Picking Up The Pieces
by Bodge
Summary: Set after S1E20. What if Shelby thought she had a good reason to suggest that she and Rachel were grateful to each other from afar?
1. Chapter 1

I had an idea for a Rachel/Shelby oneshot, but once I started writing it seemed to take on a life of its own, now I've got 10,000 words written and I'm nowhere near being finished so I thought I'd post the first part of it now to see if anyone was actually interested in reading it before I work on polishing up and finishing off the rest!

And for those of you that read my other Shelby/Rachel fics, I should have the next chapter of Building Bridges posted in the next day or two, and the next chapter of Saviour up by the end of the week.

* * *

Rachel sighed and rolled onto her back, it was nearly midnight, she'd been in bed for almost two hours but she couldn't sleep, her brain insisting on replaying her interaction with Shelby that afternoon on an endless loop. She didn't understand it, she still had so many questions, questions she knew she'd never get the answer to.

She sighed again and pushed herself to sit up, reaching over to flick on the light by her bed as she admitted defeat, the longer she laid there trying to sleep, the less ikey she was to actually fall alseep. She chewed her lip for a minute before getting out of bed and pulling on some clothes, deciding that a walk around the block might help clear her mind enough to sleep.

Rachel pushed her phone into the pocket of her jeans and pulled on a hoodie, slipping on the sneakers she wore for her morning run before leaving the house, both her fathers away meaning she didn't have to worry about anyone catching her or finding out she'd left the house at such a late hour.

She walked for a while before realising it wasn't working, her mind was still buzzing, still replaying Shelby's words over and over. It was moments like this that Rachel wished she had an off button, wished she could turn off her brain so she could sleep for a while.

Deciding to walk a little further, Rachel rounded a corner and saw the convenience store, she knew she had ten dollars in the back of her phone case for emergencies, so she decided to treat herself to a box of chamomile tea and some of her favourite vegan snacks, intending to put a movie on when she got home and hopefully relax enough to sleep.

She reached for the door handle, only for someone to pull open the door from inside at the same time, and, whatever Rachel was expecting, she never once expected to find herself catching a very drunk Shelby Corcoran as the woman almost fell into her arms.

"Mo… Shelby" Rachel frowned, correcting herself when she remembered their earlier conversation, "what are…" she took a look at the woman who was making no effort to stand back on her own two feet. She was still dressed in the same clothes as she had been that afternoon, although she was slightly more disheveled than she had been, she was clutching a bottle of cheap vodka, and the sweet smell of expensive perfume that had filled Rachel's nose when they'd hugged several hours ago was now replaced by the unmistakable smell of alcohol.

"You're so beautiful" Shelby slurred, tears filling her eyes as she clumsily reached up to put her hand on Rachel's cheek, "so, so beautiful."

Rachel dropped her gaze to the floor, "it's not enough though is it" she whispered.

"Too much" Shelby mumbled, "you, you're perfect, too perfect, my beautiful, perfect girl."

"No" Rachel shook her head, "I'm not. You don't want me to be your anything. We should be grateful for each other from afar" she whispered, standing Shelby upright again and letting go of her hold on the woman once she was sure she had her balance, "I wanted you. I wanted to get to know you, I wanted… I needed my Mom but you…" Rachel was struggling to fight back tears of her own, "you don't want me. I get it."

She didn't see Shelby slide down the wall to the ground as she turned to walk away, tea forgotten, but she did hear Shelby berating herself, "why do you always have to be so stupid? You mess everything up. She's better off without you anyway. You're fucked up, she doesn't want to be like you."

Rachel would be lying if she said she wasn't slightly concerned when Shelby had all but stumbled into her arms, but that concern only grew when she heard the venom in the woman's voice as she spoke to herself and she knew she couldn't leave her here alone. "Come on" Rachel walked back over to Shelby and held out her hand, "I'll take you home."

Shelby looked up suspiciously, clutching tightly to her bottle of vodka as she asked, "why? Why would you do that? Just leave me here."

Rachel sighed, "because no matter what you say, you're my Mom, and I care about you. Not to mention that I have a conscience, I can't just walk away and leave you here, not like this."

Shelby relented, accepting Rachel's hand, the teen supporting Shelby as she walked her home, "this isn't my house" Shelby frowned as Rachel unlocked the door to a house just a few streets from the store.

"No" Rachel flicked on a light and led Shelby over to the couch, "it's mine."

She saw a flash of panic cross Shelby's tearstained face, "no, I…"

"My Dad's aren't home." Rachel guessed the reason for Shelby's worry, "they won't be home for a few days so you don't need to worry about them."

"I…"

"I'll get you some water" Rachel whispered, gesturing to the bottle of vodka, "I think you've had enough of that for tonight."

When Rachel came back into the room Shelby had curled into herself, knees pulled into her chest as she stared blankly into space. Rachel didn't think Shelby had noticed her but Shelby's mumbled, "I'm sorry" told her otherwise, her gaze not moving from the invisible spot that she was fixated on.

"Do you…" Rachel trailed off, not even sure what she was asking.

Shelby dropped her head onto her knees, "I'm sorry" she whispered again, her voice barely audible.

"We erm, we should try and get some sleep" Rachel whispered, even though she knew the chances of getting any rest were slim to none.

"I…"

Shelby didn't know what she was saying, but Rachel wasn't sure she wanted to hear what the woman had to say anyway, "drink your water, I'll find you something more comfortable to wear" she said, not giving Shelby time to respond before she stood and made her way upstairs.

Rachel helped Shelby upstairs a while later, slightly glad that Shelby had left her stilettos on the living room floor, "Rachel I…" once again Shelby trailed off, not sure what she could possibly say to her daughter.

"I had to get you some of Daddy's clothes" Rachel held out a pair of grey sweatpants and a white tshirt, "I don't…" Rachel shrugged, "I can only dream of having a figure like yours" she whispered, "I erm…" she gestured to a half open door down the hall, "that's the guest bathroom, I've left a toothbrush on the side of the sink, the towels are clean and you can help yourself to anything…" she gestured to a second door, "that's the guest room, you should find everything you need in there."

It was almost 2am when Rachel made her way back into her bedroom, changing back into the pyjamas she'd taken off earlier that night before sending a quick message to her Daddy, '_can you call me in in the morning please? I'm not sick so don't worry, I'll explain when you call. Love you R*_'

Once the message had sent she slowly made her way down the hall to the guest room, signing in relief as she peered through the open door to find Shelby had changed into the sweats of Hiram's and fallen asleep on the bed. Debating her options for a moment, Rachel crept over to the bed to cover Shelby with a blanket, frowning slightly as, even with just the moonlight from the open curtains to light the room, she saw a large dressing stuck haphazardly to Shelby's arm with medical tape, dark patches on the gauze suggesting the wound beneath had been bleeding. She sighed, knowing there wasn't anything she could do about it now, so she simply covered Shelby with the blanket and closed the curtains, pulling the door shut behind her as she headed back to her room.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm glad so many of you liked the first chapter of this! This chapter's a little shorter but chapter 3 is Shelby and Rachel talking things through and I think that might be a pretty long one.

* * *

Rachel woke from her restless slumber just a few hours later, having forgotten to turn off her usual alarm. As she reached for her phone she saw her Daddy had replied to her text, '_Okay. But we will be talking about this Rachel, let me know when it's a good time to call. Love you xx_.'

Rachel thanked her father, glad he hadn't asked any awkward questions, and promised to speak to him later before flopping back against the cushions, not sure what she was meant to do next.

She decided to forgo her usual morning routine, she was far too tired to even think about working out, she just wanted to go back to sleep, but that wasn't an option, she wanted to talk to Shelby, she didn't want the woman to sneak out whilst she was still in bed, so instead of closing her eyes again, Rachel decided to get up, dressing casually in yoga pants and a tshirt before making her way downstairs to wait for Shelby to wake.

She poured herself a glass of water, sipping at it for a moment before thinking of the woman sleeping in the guest room, and she poured a second glass of water, taking it upstairs and retrieving a box of painkillers from her father's room, leaving them both by the bed in the guestroom, watching Shelby sleep for a moment before going back downstairs.

The creak of the door closing behind Rachel was enough to wake Shelby from her restless slumber, the woman groaning as she realised that, once again, she'd woken in an unfamiliar bed with a pounding in her head and a mouth drier than the Sahara. She rolled onto her back and forced her eyes open, grateful that the room was still cloaked in darkness. Something wasn't right though, usually in situations like this she'd wake up naked to a stranger sleeping beside her. But she was alone in the bed and she was wearing clothes, granted the clothes weren't her own, but she was still wearing something.

She rolled onto her back, groaning quietly as every inch of her body protested at the movement. She closed her eyes, not really caring where she was, she just wanted to sleep, and it almost happened. She was on the edge of sleep when she remembered Rachel, she remembered her daughter all but carrying her to bed. She quickly sat up, instantly regretting the action as the room began to spin, forcing herself from the bed, hoping she could find the bathroom in time as she felt her stomach lurch.

Rachel heard the toilet flush, heard the water running in the pipes and knew Shelby had woken, assuming the woman would be downstairs soon she began trying to think about what she wanted to say, knowing this could be her last chance, her only chance to try and get answers to the questions she had.

Shelby rinsed out her mouth once she felt able to stand, grateful for the toothbrush as she brushed her teeth, doing her best not to look in the mirror because she knew she wouldn't like what she saw.

Slowly she made her way back into the bedroom, wanting to kiss her daughter when she saw the water and painkillers that she'd not noticed earlier and she sipped at the water before swallowing two of the pills. She sat for a few minutes, trying to get herself together before changing back into her clothes from the night before, leaving the clothes she'd slept in neatly folded at the bottom of the bed.

She felt her breath catch in her throat as she made it to the top of the stairs, "come on" she mumbled quietly, "don't be so fucking pathetic." She couldn't believe she was feeling so anxious at the thought of seeing her daughter. "Just apologise, thank her and leave" she told herself, "and then you never have to see her again, she can have a better life without you in it."

It never occured to Shelby that Rachel might not let her walk away that easily, "I erm…" Rachel stood when she saw Shelby appear in the kitchen doorway, losing her train of thought when she saw the fear in Shelby's eyes, when she saw how nervous she seemed to be.

"I'm sorry" Shelby whispered, "I shouldn't have imposed on you last night, but I appreciate you taking care of me and letting me stay." She turned to leave, but was stopped by a hand on her shoulder.

"Please don't go" Rachel sounded so young, so vulnerable that it broke Shelby's heart, she wanted nothing more than to pull the teen into her arms, but she knew she had to walk away, that her staying would only lead to Rachel getting hurt eventually, "stay?".

"I can't Rachel" Shelby hoped Rachel didn't hear the quiver in her voice.

"Don't I at least get to know why?" Rachel asked, "you're my Mom, sorry, my mother" she corrected herself, "but you've decided after spending just a few hours in my company, that you don't want to know me. Am I that bad a person?"

"God no" Shelby span quickly to face Rachel, regretting it instantly when the room began to spin around her.

"Well then why? At least have the decency to tell me that before you leave." Rachel had seen Shelby stumble slightly as she turned and led her over to the kitchen table, sitting her down in one of the wooden chairs before she fell.

"Wouldn't it be easier for you just to think of me as some cold heartless bitch?" she asked bitterly.

"No" Rachel whispered as she sat down opposite Shelby, "because I think there's more to it than that, and I also think that if you're going to seek me out, orchestrate this whole plan to get me to come to you so you don't break the contract you signed when you were pregnant, just so you can tell me that it's not going to work out and you're walking away, I think the least I deserve is the truth." Shelby could hear the quiver in Rachel's voice and it only made her hate herself even more.

"Rachel, I…".

"Please" Rachel begged, "if I said something, if I've done something, just tell me, I can take it."

Shelby's head snapped up so quickly that Rachel wondered if the woman needed to be checked for whiplash. "No, no, no. Rachel, you are perfect, you're wonderful, amazing, you're everything I ever hoped you'd be and so, so much more."

"Then why can't you love me?"

Shelby closed her eyes, desperately trying to stop her tears from falling, she didn't deserve to cry, she was the one ruining everything. She was meant to be the adult here but once again, she was the one screwing everything up. "I do love you Rachel, from the moment I knew you existed I loved you, but that's why I can't be around you, I love you too much."

Rachel frowned. "I don't understand" she whispered.

Shelby's gaze dropped to the table, "it's a long story" she whispered, "it's complicated."

"Tell me" Rachel asked softly, realising that whatever reason Shelby had for wanting to walk away, it was eating her up inside and Rachel hoped getting her to open up about it would help, "I've got time."

Shelby knew Rachel wasn't going to let it drop, and maybe that was for the best, maybe if Rachel knew how screwed up she was then she'd let her leave, she'd realise she was better off without her useless excuse for a mother in her life. "I don't know where to start" Shelby said honestly.

Rachel reached across the table, gently taking Shelby's hand in her own and squeezing it slightly. "How about the beginning?"


	3. Chapter 3

This chapter is a bit longer than the rest, but I didn't want to cut it in the middle of Shelby and Rachel's chat! Just as a heads up, there's talk of mental health problems and a brief mention of a suicide attempt, so please take care if you think that may be triggering for you.

On another note, I'm thinking about writing some Shelby/Rachel oneshots because I have a few ideas in my head that I don't think I'd be able to make into longer fics, so, if you have any prompts/ideas feel free to share!

* * *

Shelby wanted to cry at the feel of Rachel's fingers against her own. She wanted nothing more than to hold her baby girl close and never let her go. She'd hugged her a little tighter and a little longer than she'd ever hugged anyone else when they'd said goodbye, but this was something else, this was contact Rachel had initiated herself, contact she didn't seem reluctant to give.

Rachel could see the pain in Shelby's eyes, she could see the fear, the doubt, and, although she knew she was only young, Rachel hoped she'd be able to help her Mom.

She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting Shelby to say, Shelby wasn't even sure how honest she wanted to be, so they were both surprised, when Shelby found herself unable to stop herself telling Rachel, "I took an overdose when you were six months old."

"I…" Rachel wasn't sure what she wanted to say but that didn't matter, now Shelby had started she wasn't sure she'd be able to stop herself.

"I felt so empty, so lonely. I'd tried so hard not to bond with you, I tried to ignore your kicks, I tried to stop myself talking to you because I, I already knew it was going to break my heart to give you up. And it did. I wasn't surprised when I was diagnosed with postnatal depression at my first check up after you were born, but nothing worked. The pills, the therapy. Nothing worked because all I wanted was you and I couldn't have you so I, I took an overdose, but my sister found me and took me to the ER. I was put on a 72 hour psych hold but then they released me and I… " a lone tear slipped down Shelby's cheek," I went home and tried again" she whispered. Trying to avoid listening to the voice in her head that was telling her she'd had two chances, that she was so useless she'd wasted both of them.

"What happened?" Rachel whispered, her grip tightening on Shelby's hand.

"My sister found me again, I hadn't had time to do anything though. I told her to go home. Told her that I was just going to keep trying so she might as well just let me do it." Shelby was sure that if she closed her eyes right now she'd be able to see just how hurt her sister was by her words. "She forced me into the car. Took me back to the psych unit and begged them to readmit me. I spent almost a year there. I just wanted it to stop. The constant noise, the emptiness, I felt like I was feeling everything and at the same time I was feeling nothing at all. I needed it to stop and there was only one way I could think of to do that. And I told them. I told them that as soon as I was released I was just going to do it again and again until I succeeded."

"Mom…" Shelby knew her words were hurting her daughter, but now she'd started, she couldn't stop herself.

"I don't know why, or when things changed but they did, I found some coping mechanisms, not all of them healthy, but they worked and I, people thought I was getting better. And maybe I was. I think for a while things did get better, and I was doing okay. I was doing okay for such a long time, and then, and then I just wasn't any more."

"Wh… What happened?" Rachel asked.

"I got ill a few years ago, there were some surgeries and then I was told that I couldn't have any more children, and knowing I'd given up the only baby I'd ever had, that I spent my whole pregnancy trying not to bond with the child growing inside me… I started… those unhealthy coping methods… And then I saw you at regionals, and you were, are, so beautiful, and I thought… I thought I might be able to pull something amazing out of the darkness but you, you're perfect Rachel and I can't get close to you, I can't get close to you because I'll ruin you and I can't do that to you Rachel, I, I feel like I'm drowning and I can't… I can't, it's just all so noisy and messy and I just want it to stop. I need to make it stop and I can't… I need you to let me walk away Rachel. If I don't leave now then I'm going to drag you under with me and I, I can't do that to you."

Shelby heard the scrape of Rachel's chair, saw her stand but kept her gaze firmly on the table, she'd expected this, expected Rachel to leave, wanted her to leave, but it still hurt, the confirmation that her daughter didn't want to know her now she knew how crazy she was was like a knife to her chest. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice Rachel walk around the table, not until she found herself with an arm full of teenager, Rachel clinging to her like she never wanted to let her go, and she didn't, Rachel was terrified that if she let her mother go now she'd never see her again. Shelby couldn't help herself, and she too clung to Rachel, almost as if the girl was the only lifeline she'd been given, and, in a way, Shelby supposed she was, if there was any reason for Shelby to keep fighting, to keep ploughing through the darkness, Rachel was it.

"I'm glad you didn't get to go through with it" Rachel finally whispered, her face buried against Shelby's shoulder. "I'm glad you're still here. You and I, we can, we can build a relationship, we can make memories, have traditions that are just ours, but we can only do that if you're still alive Mom."

"Rachel, I…"

"If I…" Rachel bit her lip, lifting her head so her teary eyes met Shelby's, Rachel reaching out to wipe at Shelby's tears as she asked her, "if I go and call my dads, will you still be here when you get back?"

"Your dad's, they…"

"They know about you coming back" Rachel told her, "they know about everything except what happened yesterday. When they speak about you, they do it with nothing but respect, you gave them something they wouldn't have had otherwise and they respect you for that, I'm sure if they knew you were struggling, if they knew you'd always been struggling, then they'd want to help. Please, just wait here while I speak to one of them."

"Do they… do they go away often?" it wasn't the question Shelby had planned on asking, the words slipping from her mouth without thought.

Rachel shook her head, "Dad does, he goes away for a few days every month or so on business, Daddy, his Mom got ill so he had to go to Cincinnati to help care for her. Dad will be back on Saturday from his trip." Shelby nodded, not sure what else to say, "will you wait?" Rachel asked, needing Shelby to agree, "will you stay here while I call them?" Shelby nodded again but Rachel needed to be sure, "promise?"

Shelby nodded, "I promise" she whispered.

Rachel bit her lip for a minute before taking the chance, kissing Shelby's cheek before heading into the living room. She didn't want to leave Shelby for long, so Rachel quickly pulled her phone from her pocket, deciding to call her Daddy first, not sure if her Dad would be busy with work, that and she knew Hiram had always been honest with her about his own fight with depression, so she hoped he would understand.

"Rachel" he sounded surprised, "is everything okay? I thought you were going to message me so I could call you.".

"Sorry, is now not a convenient time for you?" she curled up on the sofa, trying to plan what she was going to say to her father.

"I'll always have time for you Rach. Are you okay? Why did you need the day off school?"

"I'm fine" she reassured him, "it's Shelby Daddy, she really isn't okay."

"Shelby?" Hiram frowned, "I don't understand Rachel.

"I'm not sure I have the time to fully explain" she told him, "but she came to find me yesterday, she told me she was my mother not my Mom and that we should be grateful for each other from afar..."

"Oh Rachel, I'm sorry Darling, if…"

"No, Daddy please" she wanted him to hear the full story, "I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to go for a walk and I bumped into Shelby at the store, she was quite inebriated and she was saying some things, some awful things about herself so I brought her home and she spent the night in the guest room. Then this morning I demanded an explanation. I wanted to know why she went to so much trouble so she could meet me without breaking the contract only to walk away now. I made her tell me what was going on… " she took a shaky breath.

"Rachel" Hiram prompted.

"She's struggling Daddy, really struggling. She told me she tried to commit suicide twice when I was a baby, and that she feels like she's slipping back into her bad habits, she said she feels like she's sinking and she wants to walk away because she doesn't want to take me down with her. She didn't say as much but I think, had I not bumped into her last night, she might have made a third attempt at taking her own life."

Hiram was understandably shocked at what Rachel told him, glad that she'd managed to get Shelby to open up, devastated that he and Leroy weren't there to support her, to support both of them, "Rachel, where is Shelby now?"

"She's in the kitchen, I came into the living room to call you."

"Can I speak to her?"

Rachel made her way through to the kitchen, finding Shelby sat in the same seat she'd left her in, her head held in her hands, "Shelby" Rachel said softly, not wanting to startle her, "my Daddy wants to speak to you" she held out the phone before suggesting, "why don't you go and speak to him in the living room, I'll make us some tea."

Shelby just nodded, not really taking anything in as she took the phone from Rachel and allowed herself to be sent through to the living room. She was surprised at the concern in Hiram's voice when he told her what Rachel had told him, sobbing out 'yes' when he asked if it was true.

"Oh Shel" his heart broke for the woman, "you should have called us, if we'd have known, God Shelby, we'd have ripped up that contract and let you have visitation in an instant." He sighed quietly, "but we can't change that now, so, with your permission I'd like to call my own therapist, see if she can fit you in for an emergency appointment later today, or if she feels like there'd be a conflict of interests in seeing us both, I'll ask her to recommend someone else for you to see, will you let me do that?"

Shelby was surprised that the man was so willing to help her, barely managing to whisper 'yes' through her tears.

"Okay" Hiram nodded, "I'll do that as soon as we're done here" he promised, "and in the meantime, "would you like to stay with Rachel?"

Shelby sniffled quietly, "here?"

"Of course, unless you'd be more comfortable taking her to your home."

"No, I… erm, I've not got anywhere for her to stay" she said honestly, the second bedroom in her apartment set up as a study.

"Okay" Hiram's voice was as reassuring as ever, "then you're welcome to stay with us for as long as you need to, make yourself at home, Leroy will be home at the weekend and I'm hoping to be home some time next week, ask Rachel to give you our phone numbers, I'll speak to Leroy and you can call us, either of us, whenever you want Shelby, whenever you need."

"Why?" she whispered, "why are you helping me."

"Because you're the mother of our daughter Shelby, that beautiful girl, we only have her because of you and we'll always be grateful for that." He sighed, "there were so many times when we regretted making the contract so strict, times when we knew Rachel needed you more than she needed us, but we had no idea where you were or how to get hold of you. Rachel, she's amazing, she's a handful at times but she's so, so amazing and we'd like you to have the opportunity to get to know her. She's so much like you Shelby, in looks and in personality, and I think it would be a shame if the two of you missed out on getting to know one another."

"I'm scared" Shelby admitted, "that she'll end up like me."

"She would be a lucky girl if she did." Hiram told her, "but if you mean that you're worried she'll have mental health problems, well who's to say that if she does, she won't get them from me? And if she does find herself struggling, I think the fact that we're both open with her might encourage her to reach out, she knows that it's okay if she isn't okay, she knows that her mental health is just as important as her physical health. Having another person who understands that join her support system will only ever be a good thing. Having you in her life will only ever be a good thing Shelby, please don't doubt that."

"I'll try" she whispered, desperately trying to fight back her tears.

"Good, that's all you need to do Shel, just keep trying. Can I speak to Rach again please?"

"Sure" Shelby stood to find Rachel, "thank you Hiram."

"Nothing to thank me for Shel" he insisted before she handed over the phone to Rachel.

"Daddy says you're going to stay here for a while" Rachel said after she ended the call with Hiram.

Shelby nodded, "only if it's okay with you, if you'd rather I went home then…"

"No" Rachel interrupted, "I'd like you to stay, I want… I, I don't want you to be on your own. I was just going to ask if you wanted to go and pick some things up from your apartment, I could come with you if you'd like."

Shelby nodded, "that would be good" she said quietly, "I erm, do you want to walk over there or do you want me to call a cab?"

"I don't mind" Rachel shrugged.

"I erm…" Shelby thought for a minute, the fresh air would probably help with her hangover, but she's almost certain that she had heels on the night before and she wasn't sure she wanted to walk across town in her stilettos. "A cab would probably be best. My car's at my apartment."

Rachel nodded, "Okay, I'll call us a cab. If you're ready to go now…?"

Shelby nodded, "yeah, I could do with getting changed so…"

"Okay" Rachel nodded. "I'll call for a cab."


	4. Chapter 4

I've fudged the timeline here a little, there's mention of Karofsky's suicide attempt as something that happened before Rachel & Shelby sang 'Poker Face', so I hope that isn't too confusing.

And for those of you that would like a heads up, there's mention of self harm in this chapter, so please take care if you think that might be upsetting or triggering for you!

(Oh, and Boris Yeltsin, I like a lot of characters, Puck, Will, Emma, Sue, Santana, Brittany, Blaine. And it's fine to PM me oneshot ideas if you have one!)

* * *

Shelby didn't say much on the journey to her apartment, speaking only to give the driver her address, curling up on the back seat and staring out of the window.

Rachel tried to pay the cab driver once they arrived at Shelby's but the woman stopped her, shaking her head and handing some money over to the driver, telling him he could keep the change before walking towards her building, pausing just once to make sure Rachel was following her

"I'm going to get changed" Shelby said quietly once they were inside the apartment, "make yourself at home" she told Rachel, gesturing to the open plan kitchen and living area, "I won't be long."

Rachel nodded, guessing that Shelby was using the excuse of getting changed to take a few moments to gather her thoughts, Rachel could tell that the woman seemed to be constantly on the edge of tears, seemed to be walking a fine line between holding it together and falling apart.

Shelby barely managed to close her bedroom door before she fell against it, sliding down the wood and curling in a ball on the floor. She'd lost it. She'd been doing so well, granted she hadn't been coping well at all, but she'd been able to hide it, she'd been able to convince people she was doing okay, but now. She'd spilled her soul to her daughter of all people. Her daughter. She'd completely lost control of the situation, of herself, she was so stupid. So, so stupid. She clenched her hands into fists, her nails digging into her palms as she tried not to scream, tried not to cry, she needed to build her walls back up, needed to be able to convince Rachel that she was fine.

She clenched her fists tighter, feeling the sting as her nails pushed against her palm but it wasn't enough. She needed more. She needed something, anything, to make it stop. To stop her feeling like she was spiralling out of control. She absentmindedly scratched at her arm, feeling the dressing taped to her arm beneath her jacket and that's when she had the idea. Kneeling up and crawling over to her bedside cabinet she pulled open the drawer, rummaging for a second, there must be something. She felt her heartbeat steady slightly as she pulled out a pair of long forgotten nail scissors and shrugged off her jacket, opening the scissors and pressing the blade against her wrist. It was the coolness of the metal against her skin that snapped her back to reality, "she's in the other room" she scolded herself, flinging the scissors across the room. "Your daughter is in the next room you stupid, stupid bitch." She forced herself to her feet, pulling off her clothes to change, "you're not fit to be a mother" the voice in her head snarled at her as she caught sight of herself in the full length mirror, "if Hiram and Leroy had any sense, they wouldn't let you take care of a houseplant for them."

She changed into loose sweatpants and a long sleeved t-shirt and pulled her hair back into a messy bun, sitting on the edge of her bed, staring into space, trying to pull herself together, she couldn't break down in front of Rachel, not now. Not again.

Rachel on the other hand had spent a few minutes sat on the couch before standing to get a glass of water, unable to tell if she was thirsty or if she was just sad. All her life she'd wanted the chance to get to know her Mom, but never in a million years did she imagine that it would come at a time when her Mom was crumbling in front of her.

She sighed when she saw several empty wine bottles on the side but didn't think too much of it as she opened a couple of cabinets before she found the drinking glasses she was looking for, taking one over to the sink, but Rachel froze as she reached for the tap. The sink was empty save for a lone knife, the blade covered in something that looked suspiciously like dried blood, the tiny splatters of blood on the sideboard only confirming her thoughts.

She wanted to be sick, her mind instantly jumping back to the dressing she'd seen when Shelby had been asleep, her Mom's words echoing through her head, "_I found some coping mechanisms, not all of them healthy, but they worked_" Is this what she meant? Was Shelby hurting herself? Was she trying to mask the emotional hurt with physical pain? Rachel needed to know. She needed to help Shelby, but she wanted the woman to come to her in her own time, so she filled the glass with water, trying to tear her gaze from the knife laying in the sink, and made her way back to the couch, her mind made up. She definitely wanted the water because she was sad.

She looked up when she heard a door down the hall creak open. It was obvious Shelby had been crying but Rachel didn't say anything, just smiled softly as Shelby curled herself up in a ball in the armchair, resting her chin on her knees as she gazed blankly into the room, too lost in her thoughts to be able to hold a conversation with Rachel.

Unfortunately, Rachel had other ideas, "last night" Rachel wasn't sure how to bring up what she wanted to ask, but now she'd seen the knife in the sink, seen the spots of blood on the worktop, she knew she had to ask. She waited for Shelby to glance in her direction before speaking again, "last night I came in to check on you before I went to bed. You were asleep but I noticed you had a dressing on your arm, it looked like it had been bleeding… Did you…"

Shelby instinctively put her hand to her forearm, before sighing. "I told you my coping methods weren't always healthy" she whispered. "I haven't, not in a long time, I hated myself as soon as I'd done it." Rachel didn't need to ask, Shelby's words confirmed her suspicions for her.

"Can I see?" Rachel asked, "my Dad and Daddy made me take first aid classes, let me clean it for you and put a clean dressing on it."

"No, Rachel, I can't…"

Rachel reached out to take Shelby's hand, "please, I promise I won't judge you, I just want you to be okay."

"Okay" Shelby said quietly, too tired to fight any more, "do you want me to get the first aid kit?"

Rachel nodded, "I'll boil some water too so we can clean it properly."

Shelby left the room, coming back just a few minutes later with the first aid kit she kept in her bathroom. "Where do you want to…"

"Why don't you make yourself comfortable?" Rachel gestured to the couch, "I won't me a minute." True to her word, Rachel joined Shelby just a few moments later, placing a bowl of steaming water on the coffee table, "I'll let that cool a bit before I…" Rachel gestured to Shelby's arm as she sat on the other end of the sofa to her Mom.

An awkward silence filled the room, Shelby not really sure what to say to her daughter, not sure there was anything she could say to change what had happened over the past few hours, but she didn't need to say anything, Rachel was the first one to speak, her voice surprising them both. Rachel had been thinking things over since Shelby had opened up to her that morning, but she wasn't sure whether to voice her thoughts or not, but in the end she just couldn't help herself.

"A boy on the football team tried to hang himself" she said nervously. "Mr Schue, he asked us all to tell him something we were looking forward to in the future. A reason to keep living I suppose" she mused. "And I know it might be hard, but I want you to think of that too" she told Shelby, "I want you to think about the simple things, about us watching DVDs together, one pint of dairy free ice cream and two spoons. I want you to think about us having dinner together, us shopping at the mall. Think of the bigger things, think about the day you get to sit in the front row on my opening night of my first Broadway show. Think about sitting next to my Dads, watching as I win my first Tony, when I thank all three of my parents in my acceptance speech."

"Rachel…" Shelby had tears pooling in her eyes.

"We might have missed out on the past 16 years, but we've got so much more to look forward to Mom, if you stick around." Rachel turned to face Shelby, wanting the woman to know she was serious, wanting Shelby to know that she wanted her Mom in her life.

Shelby looked up, briefly meeting Rachel's gaze before letting her head drop again as she mumbled, "I'll do my best."

"And that's all I want from you" Rachel told her, "you here and having bad days sometimes is better than you not being here at all."

"I don't deserve you Rachel."

"You're my Mom" Rachel whispered, "of course you deserve me!"

Once the water had had time to cool a little, Rachel gestured to Shelby's arm, "can I…" Shelby bit her lip, almost like she was weighing up her options before slowly pushing up her sleeve and holding out her arm to her daughter.

She wanted to cry at the care and attention Rachel showed as she carefully peeled the dressing from Shelby's arm, putting on her best show face to hide her shock as she carefully cleaned the dried blood from her mother's arm.

Shelby's first aid kit was well stocked, so once she'd cleaned the wound Rachel was able to use paper stitches to hold the edges of the cut together. "Please" Rachel whispered as she gently taped another dressing over the cut to keep it clean, "please don't hurt yourself like this again" her eyes filled with tears.

"Rachel" Shelby didn't even know how she had any tears left to cry, "I, I don't want to make promises I might not be able to keep" she whispered, too tired to even try and make an excuse, to deny that she'd been the one to do this to herself, as she thought about the scars littering her thighs and her stomach.

Rachel's heart broke a little more as she kept hold of Shelby's hands, playing with her fingers like a child, "well then will you promise me that if you feel like you want to hurt yourself again, you'll call me first? Please?"

Shelby nodded, she could at least do that for her daughter, "I promise" she whispered, surprised when Rachel threw herself into her mother's lap, hugging her tightly as she whispered words of thanks.

Rachel didn't move, stayed clinging to Shelby, and Shelby was content to hold her, she knew one day that Rachel would realise she was better off anywhere but with her, she knew that, but for now, whilst she had her daughter in her arms, Shelby was going to make the most of it.

She held Rachel tightly, stroking her back, holding her close until she felt Rachel's body shift slightly against her, glancing down to find the teen had fallen asleep in her arms. She couldn't help herself and gently kissed Rachel's hair, somehow managing to pull the blanket from the back of the sofa and cover them both without waking the girl.

Shelby knew, she knew that her appetite and her sleep were the first things to go when her mood went downhill, she felt like she'd been running on nothing but caffeine and anxiety for months, sleepless nights interspersed with restless drunken slumbers, but now, now something felt different, Shelby had the weight of Rachel's body against her, and slowly but surely she could feel her eyelids getting heavy and decided not to fight it, even if she did wake up to find this was all a dream, it would be worth it if she managed to get some rest.


	5. Chapter 5

There's a brief mention of the same self harm incident as before in this chapter, so as always, please take care if you think that might be triggering for you.

* * *

Rachel frowned slightly as she woke, not entirely sure where she was, and when she realised she was sleeping against someone, she almost jumped away, but remembered where she was just in time, glad she'd not woken Shelby. She took a moment to look at her Mom, the woman sleeping on the sofa nothing like the woman Rachel had met before. Her hair was messy from not being brushed after sleeping, her makeup had either worn off or been cried away, revealing dull skin and dark bags under her eyes.

She couldn't help herself, she closed her eyes and nuzzled into her Mom, wondering if, when Shelby had asked for a hug goodbye less than 24 hours ago, she'd wanted to say goodbye permanently, and despite barely knowing the woman, Rachel was determined to do all she could to help her.

When Shelby woke she had to choke back a sob when she realised that it hadn't been a dream. Her daughter was still curled up on her lap, Rachel's head tucked into the crook of her neck, one arm draped across Shelby's stomach, the teen lost in her thoughts as she enjoyed being held by her mother.

It was the feeling of fingertips trailing up and down her spine that told Rachel Shelby had woken, "you're awake" she lifted her head to smile at her Mom.

Shelby found herself unable to resist returning the smile, "so are you."

"I had a message from my Daddy while you were sleeping" Rachel told Shelby, retrieving her phone and holding it up so Shelby could read the message, '_Rach, I don't have Shelby's number so please could you tell her my therapist will see her at 6pm. You know where the office is, if Shelby's been drinking then don't let her drive there, if she doesn't want you to drive her, then call her a cab, you know where I left the money for emergencies. Love you xx_'

"Okay" Shelby nodded, beginning to feel slightly anxious about the meeting.

"Talk to me?" Rachel asked, "I know this situation seems a little topsy-turvy, like you should be the one trying to get me to talk, but I don't mind."

Shelby closed her eyes and dropped her head, letting her forehead rest against Rachel's as she took a moment to try and calm herself a little, she could feel a panic attack looming and she wanted to do all she could to prevent it, she'd already put Rachel through enough, "you have your driving permit?" she asked, getting a nod in response, "will you, will you drive me to the appointment?"

Rachel nodded again, "of course."

"I think I'd like to go in alone, but your Daddy's right, after last night I don't think I'm fit to be driving yet" Shelby was sure the therapist would bring up things that she wasn't ready for Rachel to hear yet, but at the same time, she knew she needed someone there to make sure she actually went into the appointment and didn't lose her nerve at the last minue.

"I'd have to drive your car though" Rachel told her, "I usually drive Dad's car when he's away but with Daddy being away too,he had to drive himself to the airport this time. And obviously Daddy's car is in Cincinnati with him."

Shelby nodded, "that's fine."

"Okay, well, do you want to get some things together?" Rachel asked, "I could make us some lunch when we get back.

"I'll pack a bag" Shelby nodded, "but I'm not really hungry."

"Okay" Rachel decided not to push Shelby, "maybe later."

Shelby went to pack a bag, leaving Rachel on the couch. She stood in her room for a moment, not sure what to do, she knew Rachel wasn't going to let her change her mind about staying over but she didn't know how long she was going to be expected to stay for, just for tonight or until Leroy came home. She sighed softly and pulled a small suitcase from the shelf in her wardrobe, she'd take enough clothes for a few days, she could always come back for more if she needed to.

Rachel meanwhile sent a quick text to Hiram as she waited, '_Shelby says she isn't hungry but I think she needs to eat, do you have any suggestions? Love you R* xx_'

Luckily Hiram's reply came quickly, '_Offer her something light, toast or fruit, something like that but don't force her if she says she's not hungry. Give it an hour or two and offer her something again, let her set the pace. I love you too xx_'

'_I'll try that, thank you. R* xx_'

'_Any time. Let me know if you get time for a chat later and I'll call you xx_'

Rachel didn't have time to reply before Shelby came back into the room, a small case in her hands, "have you got everything?" Rachel asked as she slipped her phone into her pocket. Shelby said nothing but Rachel followed her gaze to a packet of cigarettes that Rachel hadn't noticed on the kitchen counter, "do you…"

"I shouldn't" she shrugged.

"You said not all your coping mechanisms are healthy ones, and whilst I agree that smoking cigarettes is a very unhealthy habit to have, I can think of several habits you could have that are much worse than that."

Shelby nodded and picked up the box, slipping it into the pocket of her sweatpants, "I won't smoke near you" she promised.

Rachel nodded, "I'd appreciate that, thank you, I don't think my father's would mind you smoking in the back yard though."

"Thank you" Shelby nodded as she picked up her keys, offering Rachel her car key, "it's in the parking garage, in the basement."

"Okay" Rachel took the key, "do you want me to get your case?"

Shelby shook her head and managed a small smile, "I'll be okay thanks."

They rode the elevator down to the garage in silence Rachel only speaking once they were stood in the parking lot, "which…"

"It's the Lexus" Shelby pointed to her car across the lot.

"Oh" Rachel's mouth dropped, "wow" she was well aware that Shelby's car had probably cost more than both her fathers cars put together and she made a mental note to be extra careful.

"We can get a cab if you'd rather" Shelby realised the girl was probably worried about driving such an expensive vehicle, but she didn't care, she'd only spent so much on the car because she didn't have anyone, or anything else to spend her money on.

"No, no, I'll be okay" Rachel flashed Shelby her best show smile, "it's not far." Shelby thanked Rachel and threw her case into the trunk before climbing into the passenger seat of her SUV, watching as Rachel adjusted the seat and took a moment to familiarise herself with the controls. "Do I need to do anything at the door?" Rachel asked, noticing the roller shutter at the exit to the parking garage.

Shelby shook her head, "it'll roll up automatically as you drive up to it."

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "let's go then" she said, slowly backing out of the spot, grateful both for the reversing camera, and the fact that many of the spaces were empty, presumably from people who were at work, she mused as she took her time, using the half empty parking garage to get used to driving the car.

Shelby was lost in her thoughts as Rachel drove them both back across town, vaguely aware that she probably should be doing more to 'supervise' her daughter, but she couldn't stop her mind wandering.

She thought back to the previous day, to trying to keep herself together as she said goodbye to her daughter, fully intending to make sure that her daughter never had to have anything to do with her again.

It was then that the voice in Shelby's head reminded her how useless she was. She was supposed to be saying goodbye and walking away. She was meant to be letting her daughter live her life without her being there to drag her down, and she'd failed spectacularly, not only had she failed at walking away, but she'd made Rachel feel like she now had to take care of her too.

She thought back to the moment she'd tried to leave, she hadn't looked back as she'd walked away, knew that she'd have crumbled if she'd taken another glance at her daughter, keeping her head high and her walls even higher until she'd reached her car. Her tears beginning to fall as she closed the door, her body shaking with sobs by the time she pulled into the parking garage at her apartment. It had been no surprise that she'd headed straight to the kitchen once she'd locked her apartment door, retrieving a bottle of wine, hoping that it would be enough to fill the gaping hole in her heart. But it wasn't. It never was.

It hadn't taken her long to finish the bottle, she didn't know why she'd even bothered with a glass, and in almost no time at all she was back in the kitchen, fighting with the corkscrew to open a second. She briefly remembered fumbling with the corkscrew, the sharp point skidding across the cork, the briefest scratch as the cool metal met her skin. And then '_it_' took over, the dark side of her mind, the part of her brain she had no control of, she didn't recall her frantic rummaging in the cutlery drawer, didn't remember anything but the sharp sting of disappointment and the blood dripping down her arm. She remembered throwing the knife into the sink, disgusted at her actions, and she vaguely remembered haphazardly sticking a dressing over the cut, pulling on her jacket and leaving the apartment, deciding that it was probably wise for her to be anywhere but there.

Rachel's hand on her thigh startled her back to reality, Shelby briefly wondering if Rachel could feel the scars hidden beneath her yoga pants, but she didn't have time to dwell on that thought as Rachel softly told her "we're back". Shelby frowned as she glanced out of the window, the drive had passed in a blur, but Rachel had apparently done well, had quickly gotten used to the unfamiliar vehicle and her own worries about driving something so expensive, and had driven across town with no problems. "_Maybe you could leave her your car when you kill yourself_" the voice in Shelby's head mused. "_Or maybe you could stay alive and take her shopping for a car of her own_" Shelby frowned again, that was new, the intrusive thoughts in her head were never usually supportive, usually only serving to remind her how stupid and useless she was. She could live with thoughts like that though, thoughts that gave her a reason to keep living.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked, her hand still on Shelby's thigh, she'd tried to get her Mom's attention three times before she'd physialy reached out, and she could tell that the woman's mind kept slipping back to places she knew she couldn't even imagine.

Rachel's voice startled Shelby back to the present again, "yeah" she lied unconvincingly, "yeah I… shall we get inside?"

"Okay" Rachel would be lying if she said she wasn't worried about Shelby, but other than making sure she was at her therapy appointment on time, Rachel wasn't sure what else she could do, "here" she handed Shelby a key, "you go let us in, I'll grab your case."

Shelby looked blankly at Rachel for a moment, her eyes briefly unfocused before she nodded, her brain processing the teen's words, "yeah" she nodded and took the key, "okay."


	6. Chapter 6

Shelby curled up in the armchair, pulling her knees into her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs, trying to make herself as small as possible. She looked up blankly when she heard Rachel's voice, her brain taking a while to process her words, to realise Rachel was telling her that she was making herself something to eat, asking if she wanted anything too, "no" Shelby's voice sounded almost foreign to her as she shook her head, "I'm okay thanks" '_liar_' the voice spat, '_you're not okay, your falling apart, and you're so stupid that the next time you fall, you'll be taking Rachel down with you_.'

Rachel watched Shelby as she sat down with the sandwich she'd made for herself. She didn't know what was going on in her Mom's head but she could tell that Shelby wasn't in the room with her, that she was busy trying to fight whatever demons she had inside her. She was worried, scared, wished there was something, anything she could do to take away some of her pain.

Shelby let her head fall onto her knees, squeezing her eyes tightly shut to try and hold back her tears. She wanted to turn her brain off, she just wanted a moments peace from the chaos in her head. She needed it to stop. She needed everything to stop. She curled her knees tighter to her chest, hand gripping tightly to her wrist, she knew what usually happened when she felt like this, she knew where her mind was going to take her and she needed to find a way to stop it before she went too far.

She was well aware that Hiram was going to make her an appointment to see his therapist, the man had asked her permission and she'd agreed, but she hadn't expected the knowledge that he'd made her an appointment to affect her so much.

It had been a while since she'd last been in therapy. She wasn't even sure why she'd stopped going, maybe she thought she was 'better', maybe she was too busy with Vocal Adrenaline, she couldn't remember. But now she was going back, she was starting from scratch all over again and that terrified her. '_You're crazy_' the voice told her, '_you tell them what you're really like and they'll lock you up, and you know what happened last time_.' She did. That was what scared her the most, she'd managed to box up the memories of her time as an inpatient and push them to a corner of her mind that she never went to. '_Your mind checked out. You didn't want help. Things are different this time. You want to get better, you need to get better, doesn't Rachel deserve a Mom who's mentally healthy as well as being physically healthy? Like it or not, you're part of her life now. She wants you here, and she deserves the best you that you can be. Tell the therapist everything. Let all the skeletons out of your closet, unpack all the boxes, work with them, let them help you. For Rachel_.' Shelby wasn't sure when, or from where this voice of reason had appeared, but she was glad it had. It made a change to feel like her mind was trying to work with her body and not against it.

"Are you okay?" Shelby didn't even realise she'd stood up until she heard Rachel's words and she frowned slightly, glancing around the room, desperately searching for a reason as to why she'd stood from the chair. She pushed her hands into her pockets and there it was, her reason.

Rachel watched as Shelby's eyes darted nervously around the room, Rachel half expecting her to run. Shelby didn't say anything, but Rachel noticed the relief in her eyes when she pushed her hands into her pockets. "Cigarettes" Shelby said quickly, "I was going outside."

Rachel nodded, not convinced but not knowing what else to do, "okay" she nodded, "you'll need to unlock the back door but the key should be in the lock."

"Thanks" Shelby nodded, not bothering with shoes as she made her way out to the back yard.

Rachel sighed, rubbing away her tears before they had chance to fall, she'd have to be stupid to not see the complete change in Shelby's mood and she had absolutely no idea what to do about it, she was out of her depth and she knew that. She just hoped that seeing the therapist would at least lift Shelby's mood to where it had been that morning, by no means ideal but a great deal better than what it was now.

Shelby briefly praised herself as she stepped outside, the chill of the rough concrete against her bare feet and the cool breeze grounding her slightly, she took a moment to cross the concrete, wriggling her toes as her bare feet hit the grass. Coming outside had definitely been a good idea, she'd have to try and remember that for the next time she couldn't catch her thoughts.

She stood on the lawn for a moment, forcing herself to take some deep breaths before walking back over to the concrete patio, letting herself slide down the wall until she was sat in the floor her back against the house. She lit the cigarette, closing her eyes as she inhaled slowly, she knew it was a bad habit, knew she was risking her voice with every drag, but she just couldn't bring herself to care.

She found herself flicking the lighter, the repetitive motion somewhat soothing, giving her something to focus on through all the thoughts swirling through her mind. '_You know_' the voice piped up again, '_you told Rachel you wouldn't cut without talking to her first, you could always…_' She threw the lighter before she could finish that thought, the plastic clattering against the concrete, wanting to rid herself of the temptation, "please" she whispered, her eyes filling with tears as she let her head fall back against the wall with a thud, "please just give me a break."

She made sure to lock the door once she was back in the house and she was washing her hands at the sink when Rachel nervously walked into the room, "I I can't pretend I understand, or that I know how you're feeling right now, but you haven't eaten yet today and I… will you let me make you something? Please?"

Rachel sounded so young, so broken and Shelby felt the guilt like a kick to the chest, she'd done this. Her daughter, her baby was hurting and it was all her fault. '_You should just have left this morning. You should have walked away last night. Look what you're doing to her, she's broken and it's all your fault. She's better off without you. All you'll ever do is hurt her._'

Shelby said nothing as she stood, he'd bowed, knuckles white from the force of her grip on the counter, desperately trying to fight back her tears as she nodded once, Rachel wanted her to eat so she'd eat, maybe she could get one thing right.

At Rachel's request, Shelby sat at the kitchen table, slightly surprised when all Rachel made her was a slice of toast and a mug of coffee. That was doable, she thought to herself. She'd been expecting a full meal, not entirely sure how she was going to manage to eat anything at all, but a single slice of toast was manageable. She could do it.

'_You're completely useless aren't you?_' the voice in her head spat, '_after everything she's done for you, you can't even do this one simple thing. She really is better off without you, but that's okay. She's not going to want to see you again when she finds out how crazy you are. Everyone will be better off when they lock you away_.' She'd managed just two bites of the toast before the knot in her stomach made her want to vomit, but the voice was right, Rachel had done so much for her over the past 24 hours, the least she could do in return was eat a slice of toast.

All Rachel could do was watch as Shelby fought with herself over the slice of toast. Rachel thought she'd done well getting Shelby to agree to eat, and she'd listened to her Daddy's advice and given her something small, but even that seemed too much.

Rachel was completely out of her depth, she knew that. This morning she'd thought she'd be okay, at least until her Dad got back from his trip but now she wasn't do sure, Shelby's mood had changed drastically and Rachel had already made the conscious decision that she wasn't going to leave Shelby alone while she was like this, and she only hoped that her Daddy would be free during Shelby's appointment so she could call him. He might not have any advice, but at least she'd be able to talk through things and try to organise her thoughts a little.

They put a movie on once Shelby had forced down the toast, but neither of them really watched it, both too caught up in their own thoughts to concentrate on the movie.

"We erm, we should be going soon, to your appointment."

Shelby nodded, suddenly feeling like she wanted to vomit, "okay" she whispered.

Rachel moved over to sit on the arm if the armchair Shelby was curled into, "it's okay to be nervous" she said quietly as she took Shelby's hand, feeling just how much she was shaking, "in fact I think I'd be more worried if you weren't, but as scary as this might seem, it's going to help you. I know you're going to see Daddy's therapist and, if it's any help at all, I know he wouldn't just go see just anyone."

Shelby nodded and gently squeezed Rachel's hand, feeling slightly grounded by her daughter's touch, "thank you" she whispered, biting her lip before asking, "do I have time for a cigarette before we go?"

Rachel nodded and glanced at her phone, "we've got about 15 minutes before we need to go."

"Okay" Shelby squeezed Rachel's hand again before slowly standing to her feet. She paused for a minute before looking at Rachel, "thank you" she said sincerely, "I… thank you."

Rachel nodded and watched as Shelby walked towards the back door, the most lucid she'd been since that morning and Rachel only hoped that the therapy appointment wouldn't send Shelby back into the headspace she'd been fighting all afternoon.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked when Shelby came back a few moments later.

Shelby nodded and gestured to the stairs, "I'll wash up and brush my teeth and then I'll be ready to go".

It didn't surprise Rachel that the journey passed in almost complete silence, but, when Rachel saw Shelby's knee bouncing out of the corner of her eye, she reached out a hand, holding Shelby's hand in her own for the remainder of the drive.

"It's the fourth floor" Rachel told Shelby as she pulled into the parking lot, "do you want me to come up with you or would you rather I waited here?" she asked, wanting Shelby to make the decision.

Shelby bit her lip, "is there a waiting area?" Rachel nodded, "you can come up" she said quietly, "if that's okay?"

"Of course" Rachel squeezed Shelby's hand, "I'll stay with you until you go in, but then I'll come back down here to call my Daddy, he likes to speak to me every evening when he's away, but I'll make sure I'm back in the waiting area before you're done" she promised.

"Okay" Shelby whispered, tears pooling in her eyes before falling into her cheeks as Rachel leaned over the centre console to hug her tightly.

"Remember what I said" she said quietly, "it's okay to be scared, but the people here are going to help you, they want to help you" she briefly tightened the hug, holding on until she felt Shelby start to pull away.

"Thank you" Shelby whispered.

Rachel swiped her thumbs under Shelby's eyes to catch her tears, "you don't need to thank me, now, are you ready?"

"Not really" Shelby sighed, "but we should go now, before I change my mind."

Rachel held Shelby's hand as they walked through the parking lot and stayed by her side as she checked herself in, flicking through a magazine as Shelby filled in the paperwork, not wanting her Mom to think she was reading over her shoulder." It'll be okay" she promised once Shelby had handed the paperwork back to the receptionist.

"Shelby Corcoran" it was three minutes before six when the therapist called Shelby's name.

"I'll be right here" Rachel promised, "but if you finish early and I'm not here, I'll be in the car okay? I'm not leaving."

Shelby nodded and allowed Rachel to hug her again, clinging briefly to her daughter, before taking a shaky breath and heading towards, what she felt like, certain doom.

Rachel pulled her cellphone from her pocket as she stepped out of the building, smiling as she saw a message from her Dad, '_I've spoken to your Daddy, he's told me about Shelby. I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm so proud of you Baby. And if you need anything at all, either of you, you know where I am. See you soon. Love you xx_'

She replied to her Dad's text, telling him she loved him and couldn't wait to see him again before sending a text to her Daddy, as she slipped into the back seat of Shelby's lexus, sliding off her shoes and curling her feet up underneath herself. '_Shelby's just gone in for her appointment, I'm free to talk if you are R* xx_'

She wasn't surprised when her Daddy's picture flashed up on her screen almost instantly, and knowing Shelby wouldn't be out for around an hour, she felt able to talk properly to her Daddy, tears streaming down her face as she told him how scared she was that she was going to lose Shelby so soon after finding her, how much she hated seeing Shelby hurting.

"You've done so much for her already Rachel" he reassured her, "and I hate that this has happened at all, but especially when your Dad and I are both away, but he'll be home early Saturday morning Darling. And if you need me to, I can come home right now, and come back to Grandma when Dad's home, she'd understand."

Rachel shook her head, "you stay with Grandma, I, I'll be okay til Dad comes home."

"It's okay if you're not though Darling, the things Shelby has told you, they can't be easy for you to process, if you need a little help, if you want to speak to someone then we can arrange that okay, just because Shelby's the one struggling, that doesn't mean it can't be hard on you too okay."

"She's… I don't even know how to explain it Daddy, it's like she disappears into her head and she isn't in the room with me any more" she whispered.

"Oh Rachel" Hiram sighed, "are you sure you don't want me to come home? I can leave right now, Grandma will be okay for two days."

"No" Rachel wiped at her eyes, "like you said, it's only two days, then Dad will be back."

"If you change your mind Rachel, then you call me okay? I don't care if its 3am, you call me and I'll drive straight home. And if you do want to see someone to talk about how this is affecting you, we'll do that."

Rachel sighed, "I don't want Shelby to feel guilty, she'll blame herself and she already feels like she's put me through enough. I don't want her worrying."

"Let us worry about that." Hiram told her, "you think about it, talk to your Dad when he gets home and if you want him to make you an appointment then he will, and he'll talk to Shelby too."

"Okay."

"Okay you want us to make you an appointment or okay you'll think about it?"

Rachel chewed her lip for a minute, she knew what she wanted to say but she was worried about Shelby, "okay I'd like you to make me an appointment with someone" she whispered.

"Okay" Hiram wished he could hold his daughter in his arms right now, "I'll get Dad to do it when he's home, but you don't need to feel guilty about looking after yourself Rachel, you never have to feel guilty about taking care of yourself."

"Thank you Daddy."

"No, you don't need to thank me Rachel, you are my daughter, you're my world and it's my job as your father to make sure you're healthy, both physically and mentally. We'll get something sorted for you okay."

"Okay."

Rachel spoke to her Daddy for a while longer before saying goodnight to him, Hiram reminding Rachel that he loved her, that he was proud of her and that she could call him whenever she needed him and he'd be there, for her and for Shelby.

Rachel glanced at her phone as she ended the call, 6.37pm, she had time. She could get herself together before going back up to meet her Mom, and she was going to hope that Shelby was doing better than she had been earlier that day.


	7. Chapter 7

Just as a heads up, I'm going away for a few days so there probaby won't be an update next week as I don't think I'll get time to write while I'm away.

* * *

Rachel was back in the waiting room when Shelby came out of the therapist's office, and, not wanting to intrude, or rush her, Rachel stayed where she was as Shelby said a final few words to the therapist before making her way over to the reception desk, presumably to make another appointment Rachel thought to herself.

"Ready to go?" Rachel asked when Shelby approached her, it was obvious that Shelby had been crying but Rachel didn't make a big deal about it, just stood to her feet when Shelby nodded and held out her hand, slightly surprised by how tightly Shelby gripped it, almost as if Rachel was the lifeline she'd been searching for, the only thing that would stop her from sinking, and in a way, Shelby thought she was.

Rachel had already made the decision, one Hiram agreed with, to not bring up the therapy session, to let Shelby talk about it in her own time. The drive home passed in almost complete silence, and Rachel was surprised when, a little less than 10 minutes before they arrived home, Shelby spoke, "I…" Shelby chewed on her lip, "could I have some time to myself when we get back?" she asked nervously, "I won't… I'm not going to hurt myself, I won't lock the door, I just… I need some time."

"Of course" Rachel nodded, "if that's what you need" she reached over to gently squeeze a Shelby's hand.

"An hour" Shelby whispered. "Give me an hour to try and get myself together a little and then, then maybe we could order takeout or something?" she suggested. She still wasn't hungry but it had been more than 24 hours since she'd last eaten anything that could be considered substantial and she knew she should at least try.

"Okay" Rachel smiled slightly as she squeezed Shelby's hand again, "I'd like that."

Rachel hugged Shelby tightly once they were home, Shelby welcoming the embrace, hugging Rachel just as tightly, "an hour" she promised as she pulled away from the hug, I'll be back down in an hour."

Shelby curled up on the bed when she made it upstairs, she didn't know what to think, her appointment had gone well, or at least it hadn't gone as badly as she'd first feared. She'd been torn between spilling everything and keeping the darkest parts of her story to herself, but in the end, she hadn't been able to stop herself, and she'd told the woman everything, some things in more detail than others, but she'd told her everything. She told her about the suragacy, the postnatal depression, she told her about the suicide attempts and the time she spent in a psych ward. She told her about her sister, the woman she hadn't seen or spoken to in almost fifteen years, a woman that, even now, she still resented some days, simply because she hadn't left her to die. Nothing was spared, once she started talking, Shelby was unable to stop, tales of self harm, of lonely nights in her apartment with nothing but a bottle of vodka and something sharp for company. And the woman had just listened, she hadn't even taken any notes which both confused Shelby and gave her an immense feeling of relief, and once Shelby had finished, she'd handed her tissues, given her time to calm down and then started talking about a 'game plan' reassuring Shelby that she wasn't beyond help, that she wasn't going to be taken anywhere, that she would get better.

Shelby had looked up at her, cheeks wet, more tears pooling in her eyes, "aren't you going to tell me I'm crazy?"

"No" the therapist had said simply, "I'll tell you that I think you're depressed and struggling with some level of anxiety, but you're not crazy."

"But, but there's a voice in my head…"

The woman nodded, "from what you've said, the 'voice' sounds more like intrusive thoughts, they aren't pleasant and they can be scary or worrying, but they aren't uncommon and we can work on coping strategies and hopefully we can stop them happening as often, or even at all."

Shelby sighed as she rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling, she didn't know what to think, didn't know how to feel. She knew one therapy session wouldn't even scratch the surface, but she'd expected to feel something. Instead she just wanted to sleep, she wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep for a month, but she knew, even if she tried, even if she could sleep for a month, her body wouldn't switch off. She just had to keep going, she had to keep dragging herself out of bed every morning, she had to keep going to her appointments with the therapist and taking her meds and,for Rachel's sake if not her own, she had to keep hoping that one day she'd start to feel better, that she'd get better at coping.

As Shelby got lost in her thoughts, Rachel curled up on the couch and flicked through the tv channels for a while, not able to settle on anything. She knew Shelby had promised she wouldn't hurt herself while she was upstairs and Rachel knew she had to trust her, but it didn't stop her from worrying.

Her phone pinged with a text from her Daddy as she was trying to find something to watch, and he managed to kill some time talking to him, the man wanting to check she was okay, that Shelby was doing okay after her appointment, and he wanted to remind her that she could call or text him at any time of the day or night and he'd be home as soon as he could.

They messaged backwards and forwards for a while before Hiram had to go and help his Mom into bed, but he promised to text Rachel again before he went to bed himself, reminding her yet again to call if she needed him.

It wasn't much longer before Rachel heard footsteps on the stairs, "hey" Shelby whispered as she made her way into the room..

Rachel smiled, "hi, are erm, are you okay?"

Shelby nodded as she sat down in the armchair "I think so" she said honestly, "I let a lot of stuff out at the appointment so everything feels a bit…" she shrugged, not sure how to explain it.

"Do you think it's going to help?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah" Shelby nodded again, "at least I hope so."

"Good" Rachel smiled, "do you still want to order takeout or…?" she didn't want to force Shelby if she wasn't up to eating.

"Yeah" Shelby curled her knees up to her chest, "I'm still not very hungry but I should try and eat something, is there anything in particular you want to order?"

"Do you like Thai?" Rachel asked, "there's a really good place we order from sometimes but Dad doesn't really like it so Daddy and I usually order it when he's away but Daddy isn't here so…"

"Thai sounds great" Shelby nodded, "do you have their number?"

"Yeah" Rachel jumped to her feet, "we've got a menu somewhere" she grinned before bounding off into the kitchen.

Shelby placed the order after Rachel found the menu, Rachel putting on a random movie channel to fill the silence, choosing something that didn't sound too 'heavy', anything that would provide some background noise for the pair.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked, noticing Shelby once again getting lost in her thoughts as they ate.

Shelby nodded as she pushed her noodles around the container, "just not looking forward to going to work tomorrow to see if I still have a job after ditching today" she sighed, "I didn't even think about work until the therapist asked what I do."

Rachel smiled sadly, "you don't have to worry" she tried to put Shelby's mind at rest, "you didn't ditch today, and you don't have to go in tomorrow either."

Shelby frowed, "what do you mean?"

Rachel bit her lip, hoping Shelby wouldn't be angry with her as she explained, "when Daddy called this morning, he asked if you'd called into work I said I didn't think so, so he offered to do it for you. I, I thought that you might not… he didn't tell them about... he's told them you have a family emergency and you'll be out the rest of the week, and he's called me out too. I hope I haven't overstepped a line and…"

"Rachel" Shelby reached out to take hold of Rachel's hand, stopping her mid ramble, "thank you. I appreciate you doing that for me, you're right, I wasn't really in the right headspace to do it for myself so I'm grateful that you thought about that, and thank your Daddy for me when you next speak to him."

"You're not mad?"

Shelby shook her head, "not at all." They sat in silence, Rachel eating her food, Shelby pushing hers around the plastic container, she'd eaten almost half her stir fry and wasn't sure she could manage any more. "I'm sorry" she kept her gaze on her food as she spoke, "for earlier, I know that I probably worried you, maybe even scared you. I didn't… sometimes I get caught up in all the thoughts in my head and I..." she sighed, "I was worried about my appointment and that made things worse, it was like my head was reminding me of all the awful things I've done in preparation for bringing them up in therapy and I couldn't turn it off."

She didn't realise Rachel had moved until she felt the arm of the chair shift as Rachel sat on it, "you did worry me" Rachel admitted, "I wasn't scared of you, but I was scared that you were going to hurt yourself" she whispered, "but you don't need to apologise, I know you can't help it, I know you don't do it on purpose and I, I just wish there was something I could do."

"You've already done enough" Shelby told her, "I should have reached out and got help months ago, it didn't even take you half an hour this morning to make sure I got that help. I've been trying to cope on my own for so long, I haven't even been here for 24 hours and I've already seen a therapist and got antidepressants. You have helped me Rachel."

"I'm glad to hear it" Rachel smiled, watching as Shelby poked at her food, "are you done with that?" she asked gently.

Shelby nodded, "I couldn't…"

"It's okay" Rachel squeezed Shelby's shoulder, "you ate something, that's all that matters, and if you get hungry later, you can help yourself whenever you want."

"Thanks" Shelby nodded before glancing at the clock, "I erm, I think I might shower and then go to bed" she told Rachel, she was exhausted, mentally and physically, and, although she knew she was unlikely to sleep, she hoped that eventually she'd be so tired her body would have no choice but to get the rest she was so desperate for.

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "there are clean towels in the bathroom, let me know if you need anything else."

Shelby nodded before glancing down at her arm, long sleeves covering the dressing Rachel had placed on her arm earlier. She briefly thought about asking Rachel if she had any more dressings but decided against it, not sure if she could face seeing the cut again tonight, she'd keep it dry in the shower and worry about it in the morning, "do you want a hand with this?" Shelby gestured to the leftovers from their meal.

Rachel shook her head, "I'll sort it" she smiled, saying goodnight to Shelby before watching her go upstairs.

She checked the doors were locked and everything was turned off before heading upstairs herself, hearing the shower running as she passed the guest bathroom. She pushed her bedroom door closed and took a deep breath as she leaned back against the wood. Her mind was buzzing and she knew she was too wired to sleep so she decided to try and tire herself out a little, changing into her workout gear and picking up her ipod as she made her way over to the elliptical in the corner of her room.

Half an hour later and Rachel was done, dropping her ipod on her desk before heading to her ensuite to take a shower of her own.

Once again Rachel found herself unable to sleep, after her shower she'd changed into pyjamas and spent a while reading in bed before settling down to try and sleep, choosing to play some white noise in the hope her brain would focus on that and not the million and one thoughts racing through her mind.

It wasn't to be though, so she slipped from her bed, promising herself she'd just check on Shelby, wanted to put her mind at rest that the woman hadn't left, that she was sleeping in the guest room down the hall. She paused as she saw the light pooling through the door that was cracked open an inch, soft murmurings suggesting that Shelby had the TV on low.

Rachel knocked gently on the door, not wanting to wake Shelby if she'd fallen asleep watching TV. "Yeah?"

She pushed the door open, "I erm… Are you okay?"

Shelby nodded and reached for the remote, "sorry, did I wake you? I didn't mean to…"

"No, no, I couldn't sleep" Rachel admitted.

"Me neither" Shelby whispered, "I don't…" she shook her head, "it doesn't matter." She looked up at the girl hovering I'm the doorway, "do you want to…" she gestured between the bed and the TV, inviting Rachel to join her.

Rachel didn't even need to think about it, didn't even walk around the bed, choosing instead to scramble over Shelby's feet to get to the empty side of the bed, smiling when she heard Shelby's chuckle. "What are you watching?" she asked innocently as she sat cross legged on the bed.

"I don't know" Shelby handed Rachel the remote, "sometimes I just want some background noise."

"I could get us a DVD if you want?"

Shelby smiled, "that would be nice, but shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"I'm not going to school in the morning and I, I'd just like to spend some time with my Mom… if that's okay?"

Shelby nodded, a small smile on her face, "I'd like that, if you're sure."

Rachel nodded enthusiastically, climbing over Shelby's feet once again, "I'll be right back" she smiled as she left the room.

She'd been gone so long that Shelby was considering going to check Rachel was okay when the door creaked open and she came back into the room, a tray in her hands, a big smile on her face and once again Shelby felt herself returning the smile, "what have you got there?"

"I made us both hot chocolate" she beamed, putting the tray on Shelby's knee, "and I brought snacks."

Shelby couldn't help but chuckle as she looked down at the tray on her lap, two mugs of hot chocolate topped with cream and marshmallows, all vegan, Rachel assured her. A bag of popcorn, chips and a stack of musicals that would see them through the night. "Wow, this is…"

"Do you want to choose a DVD?" Rachel asked, "I'll put it on for us."

Shelby nodded and looked through the movies Rachel had picked out, realising that Hiram was right, she and Rachel shared more than their looks, the movies she had to choose from were some of her favourites. She finally picked one out and handed it to Rachel, watching as she put it into the DVD player before getting back in bed, "are you not planning on sleeping tonight?" she gestured to the DVDs before placing them on the cabinet by the bed.

"My routine usually dictates that I get eight hours of sleep each night, but as I don't need to be up early for school I can sleep a little later than usual. And I thought that if you were struggling with insomnia you might like to have something better than an endless loop of infomercials to watch."

Shelby felt her heart swell at her daughter's thoughtfulness, "I appreciate that" she smiled, "thank you."

Rachel opened the popcorn, setting it between them in the bed, watching as Shelby lost herself in the movie. She took the opportunity to take a sneaky look at her mother, Rachel might be young but she wasn't stupid, she knew it was going to take more than one therapy appointment to help Shelby find her way out of the black hole she found herself in, but already she looked like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, she'd showered, and even though her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, it had been washed and blowdried. In short, the woman sat beside Rachel resembled the 'Shelby' Rachel had first met, not the broken woman she'd brought home less than 24 hours ago.

Shelby put her mug beside the DVDs once she'd finished her hot chocolate and glanced over at her daughter, "you look tired" she said softly, watching Rachel fight sleep.

"I'm okay" Rachel insisted, eyes half open as she smiled sleepily at Shelby.

Shelby reached out, her hand shaking slightly as tucked Rachel's hair behind her ear, "I might not have been your Mom for the past sixteen years, but I think I know a tired teenager when I see one. You can go back to bed if you want?"

Rachel's gaze darted from Shelby's face to the sheets pooled in her lap, "could I sleep here… with you?"

"Yeah" Shelby smiled softly, gently cupping Rachel's cheek with her hand, "if you want to stay here you can."

"You wouldn't mind?"

"Can I be honest?" Shelby asked, continuing when she saw Rachel nod, "I haven't been sleeping, I never do when things aren't great, but earlier, at my apartment, the nap I took was the first decent sleep I've had in months."

"Because of me?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "because of you. I'm absolutely terrified that I'm going to screw this up, that I'm going to pull you down with me, that you're going to make the same stupid mistakes that I've done, just because you've spent time with me. But you're the best thing in my world, and if anything gives me a reason to fight this, to try and get out of this hole, to try and better myself, it's you."

"I'm glad" Rachel yawned, moving the popcorn so she could move closer to Shelby, "I want to get to know you, I want to help you however I can."

"Lay down" Shelby ran her fingers through Rachel's hair, "get some sleep."

"And you?" Rachel asked as she shuffled down under the covers.

Shelby nodded, flicking off the small side lamp and turning down the TV, not wanting to turn it off completely in case she couldn't fall asleep, "and me" she whispered.

They laid in silence for a while, Shelby almost certain Rachel had fallen asleep, until she spoke, breaking Shelby from her thoughts, "you were wrong you know."

Shelby almost instinctively reached out, running her fingers through Rachel's hair, "about what?"

Rachel sighed happily at the feel of Shelby's fingers in her hair, "you were wrong" Rachel repeated, "you're my Mom, you'll always be my Mom."

Once again, Shelby found her eyes filling with tears, "and I'm very lucky to have you" she whispered.


	8. Chapter 8

Shelby frowned slightly as she began to stir the next morning. Something wasn't right but she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. She wasn't sure she could bring herself to care though, she was warm, she was comfortable, she was just about to let her eyes flutter shut again when it hit her. She'd woken up. She'd woken up so she must have slept, and for once she felt well rested and she didn't feel hungover, she felt like, for the first time in months she'd had a good night's sleep. And it was only as she felt something move beside her in the bed that she realised the reason for her sleep. Her daughter was curled into her side, one arm draped over Shelby's stomach as she slept peacefully and she couldn't help but smile, shuffling slightly so was more comfortable before carefully pulling Rachel closer and allowed herself to drift back to sleep.

The next time Shelby woke, it was to Rachel moving in the bed beside her, and she slowly forced her eyes open to find Rachel staring back at her, "are you okay?" she asked, her voice still thick with sleep.

"You're still here" Rachel whispered, "I was scared, I thought I'd wake up and you'd be gone".

Shelby sighed quietly, "I…" she closed her eyes briefly, "I'm not going to lie to you" she said as she took a shaky breath, "I still feel like I'm going to mess up, that you're going to pull you down, that one day you're going to wake up and realise you're better off without me but I know, I know that the things I told you yesterday weren't easy for you to hear and maybe I shouldn't have told you, I know I'm a terrible person but I'm not bad enough to dump all that on you and then leave."

"You're not a terrible person" Rachel told her, "you're my Mom, you're a woman who's been trying so hard to fight a battle on her own for so long. You're tired and you're scared and you've been carrying this for so long that I get that it might be hard for you to let go, but I'm okay with that. I'm not okay that you're struggling obviously, but you're my Mom, and I want you in my life, if I can help you then I want to help you, and if I can't help you, then I still want to get to know you."

"I don't deserve you Rachel, I don't deserve to be your Mom."

Shelby didn't even realise she was crying again until she felt Rachel brush at her tears, "you don't need to do something to 'deserve' me" Rachel told her, "you carried me and you gave birth to me, that's enough for now."

"For now?" Shelby whispered.

"For now" Rachel nodded, "things might be a bit awkward and, well, weird as we try to get used to each other, especially as we've gone from nothing to living together pretty much over night, but we'll work on it, we can start getting to know one another and building a relationship."

Shelby looked up at Rachel, "I've always regretted giving you up and signing that contract" she told her, "but I'm glad that I gave you to your fathers, I always knew they'd love you, but they've raised you into such a kind and compassionate young woman, and if anything makes me feel the tiniest bit better about giving you up, it's that you were raised so well by two men who have done nothing but love you."

"They love you too" Rachel told her, "and so do I." Shelby cried harder at the declaration of live from her daughter, clinging tightly to the teen, but Rachel didn't mind, just held her Mom close and wiped at her tears, not letting go until Shelby had calmed. "Do you feel up to breakfast?" Rachel asked once Shelby's tears has stopped.

Shelby thought for a moment, "maybe just some toast? I usually just have coffee and a cigarette" she whispered.

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "I thought that we could maybe go out for a walk or something later? Daddy said fresh air and exercise sometimes lifted his mood and it can't hurt to try right?"

"No" Shelby appreciated how much Rachel was trying to help her, "I suppose it can't."

They both got dressed and made their way downstairs, Shelby stepping outside with her cigarettes as Rachel made coffee for her Mom, tea for herself and toast for them both, "okay?" Rachel asked when Shelby came back into the kitchen, putting her cigarettes down on the side and washing her hands.

Shelby nodded, "I erm…" she wiped her hands on her thighs to dry them, "you picked up my pills last night" she said, Rachel having been the one to collect the prescription from the pharmacy whilst Shelby waited in the car.

"I did" Rachel nodded, "I'll go grab them for you" she gestured to the table, "I didn't know if you wanted milk or sugar in your coffee" she told her, "so help yourself, we only have soya milk but we can stop at the store later if you'd prefer regular milk?"

"I'm fine with it black" Shelby said as she sat down at the table, "thanks."

When Rachel returned, she was slightly relieved to see that Shelby had helped herself to a slice of toast, and, despite the fact she seemed to be staring blankly into space, she was still eating. Shelby thanked Rachel when she placed the bag on the table beside her but she didn't move to open it, Rachel didn't push her though, the fact Sheby had mentioned her medication was more than enough for now, Rachel reasoning that she wouldn't have asked for it if she wasn't planning on taking it.

Shelby forced herself to finish the slice of toast before she reached for the paper bag with shaking hands, Rachel forcing herself to keep her gaze on her own toast, not wanting Shelby to feel like she was being watched or pressured into anything. Shelby took a while to study the information leaflet that came with the pills she'd been prescribed, not that she needed to, she'd spent a vast amount of time the night before online, reading up on the dosages, the potential side effects, other people's experiences. She wasn't sure why, but she felt somehow that swallowing the first of these pills made everything 'real' somehow, she didn't understand it, the self harm, the panic attacks, the constant ache in her chest, the days where pulling herself from her bed seemed like the hardest thing in the world, days where all she could do was cry, even when there was no reason for her tears, that was real, and if she didn't take the medication, there's a chance that would always be her reality.

She knew she couldn't think about it any longer, that she needed to take the pill before she talked herself out of it, so, with a speed that startled Rachel slightly, she popped a pill from the foil packet, swallowing it dry and chasing it back with a mouthful of coffee.

"Mom" Rachel frowned.

Shelby sighed and took a smaller sip of her coffee, "sorry."

"You don't need to apologise" Rachel told her as she reached for a second slice of toast, "are you okay?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded I just… she shrugged, "I know taking these will hopefully change things for the better, but at the same time it makes everything seem so real, I can't be happy without drugs."

"Yes you can" Rachel reached for Shelby's hand, "the drugs, they just make it easier for you to be happy."

"I suppose so" Shelby sighed before gently squeezing Rachel's hand, "I'll be okay, it's just…" she shrugged, "I'm being stupid."

"Your feelings are never stupid" Rachel told Shelby.

Shelby just nodded, not sure what to say as she finished her coffee, "I'm going to go and get dressed" she said softly, "are we… do you still want to go for a walk?"

Rachel nodded, "sure, if you want to."

"We don't have to" Shelby whispered, "not if you don't want to" '_and why would she want to? You're a mess, why would anyone want to be seen with you?_' Shelby wanted to cry, she hadn't heard that voice since before her therapy appointment the day before, and she hated it, knew that this was just the beginning of her mood plummeting, but she knew the voice was right, why would Rachel, why would anyone want to be seen with her.

"Of course I do" Rachel could see Shelby slipping back into her own head, and hoped that her words and the gentle squeeze of her hand would be enough to bring her back.

Shelby looked over at Rachel, taking a moment before her eyes focused on her daugher, before her mind reminded her what it was Rachel wanted to do, "I erm, I'll get dressed then" she nodded as she stood up, "thank you for breakfast."

Rachel just watched as Shelby left the room and headed for the stairs, waiting until she heard the door to Shelby's room creak open before letting out the sigh she'd been holding in and briefly letting her head fall into her hands. She was out of her depth, she knew that, and, as much as she wanted to help Shelby, she knew that the woman needed more than she could give her. As she cleared away their mugs and plates, Rachel made a decision. She'd give Shelby until the afternoon, if, after lunch, Shelby's mood hadn't lifted, she'd call her Daddy and ask him to come home.

They walked in silence for a while, Rachel leading them towards the park, "do you, I mean, have you ever gone running?" she was the one to break the silence.

Shelby frowned slightly, the question seemingly coming out of nowhere, "I did when I was younger, I haven't in a while though. I was on the track team in high school, why?"

"I like to use my elliptical every morning, but I thought that, well, if exercise does help, then maybe we could jog together instead?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "I… I'd probably hold you back though."

"That's okay, we can go at your pace for a while, then mine, then back to yours, increase your stamina if we need to, or you might surprise yourself" Rachel smiled, surprised that Shelby had agreed so easily.

"Okay" Shelby nodded again, "I'd have to go and get something to wear from my apartment, I didn't bring anything like that with me."

Rachel nodded, "we can go whenever you want, you only brought a small bag, you'll probably need more clothes in a couple of days anyway."

Shelby pushed her hands into the pockets on her sweatpants, digging her nails into her thigh through the fabric, "I don't want to impose on you, or your fathers when they're home" she said quietly.

"I want you to stay with us" Rachel reassured her, "and Daddy was the one who suggested it, you won't be imposing."

"Okay" Shelby nodded, not wanting to argue with Rachel, "thank you." They walked in silence for a little longer and Rachel was surprised when Shelby was the one to speak first, "I used to do yoga" she offered, "I've been thinking about getting back into it for a while, finding a class or just looking up some videos online to do at home, you could… you could join me if you wanted?"

"I'd like that" Rachel smiled, "but I've never done yoga before" she admitted.

"Okay" Shelby thought for a minute, "maybe I'll try and find someone to do some private sessions with us then, I don't want you to get hurt if you're not doing it properly."

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "we can look into that."

They walked for almost an hour before heading back to the house, Rachel silently trying to gauge Shelby's mood, not sure what her next step should be, should she offer to make Shelby something to eat? Give her some time to herself?

Luckily Shelby answered the question for her without Rachel having to ask. "I think I'm going to go and lay down for a bit" She said as she slipped off her shoes, seeing the look that briefly crossed Rachel's face and instantly hated herself a tiny bit more than she already did, '_look how hurt she is. How scared you've made her. You're meant to be her Mom. You're meant to be the one looking out for her. You've really screwed up this time_.' the voice in her head reminded her. She screwed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the voice, "I'm not…" she sighed as she tried to work out how to vocalise her thoughts, "some days it feels like even simple things take all my energy" she admitted, "getting dressed, leaving the house… I doubt I'll be able to sleep but I… you could come with me if you want? If you don't have anything else to be doing? There are all those movies that you brought up last night waiting to be watched." She suggested, hoping that her offering to let Rachel join her would reassure the teen that she wasn't going to do anything stupid. She wanted to, not that she'd tell Rachel that, but she wouldn't, not while her daughter was with her.

Rachel smiled, "that would be nice" she nodded, "if you're sure?"

"Of course" Shelby forced a smile, "I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't."


	9. Chapter 9

This one's a little longer than usual because I coudn't find a good place to split it, but I think Rachel and Shelby have struggled on their own for long enough, don't you?

* * *

It was a little after 7am when Leroy arrived home from the airport on Saturday morning, grateful that his company allowed him to travel business class on long haul flights so he'd managed to get some sleep on the plane. He wasn't surprised to find the kitchen light on, Rachel always was an early riser, but the kitchen was empty and the back door had been left open a crack.

He opened the door a little and stepped out into the garden, finding Shelby sat on one of the wooden chairs on the patio, wearing a hoodie over her pyjamas, knees curled up to her chest and a cigarette smouldering away in her left hand. He watched her for a minute, the woman seemingly lost in her thoughts, before deciding to make his presence known.

"Shelby" he said softly as he walked towards her, cursing when he saw her jump, "I didn't mean to startle you, sorry."

"No, it's, no, sorry…" Shelby glanced down at the cigarette in her hand, "sorry, I…" she leant forward, intending to stub the cigarette out on the concrete, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her.

"It's okay" Leroy reassured her, "I appreciate you not smoking in the house but I don't mind you doing it in the garden."

Shelby nodded and took a drag from the cigarette, "thank you."

"Hiram told me what Rachel told him" Leroy knew he needed to approach the subject carefully, "how are you doing?"

Shelby contemplated telling Leroy she was fine, but she knew he'd be able to see straight through her lies, he and Hiram always could. "I don't know" she said honestly, "I had a good few days, I think being around Rachel was enough to… She's been amazing Leroy, she's done everything she can to help, to try and cheer me up. I… She's even been sleeping in your guest room with me to keep me company."

"I sense a but coming."

Shelby put the cigarette to her lips again, "I woke at 5, having Rachel there has helped me so much, I've actually been sleeping and I think that's down to her, but this morning I woke and I, I felt like I was suffocating."

"Anxiety?" Leroy asked.

Shelby nodded, "I needed some air and I…" she shrugged, "the last thing I wanted was for Rachel to wake up and find me in the midst of a panic attack."

"She'd have understood" Leroy said, before asking, "have you been out here since 5?"

"I've already put her through too much" Shelby sighed before nodding, "pretty much...what time is it?"

"Almost 7.30" It had been 16 years since they'd last seen each other, Leroy knew Shelby would have changed, but even after just a few minutes he realised that the woman in front of him was broken, that she was a million miles away from the confident, bubbly young woman he'd met all those years ago. "Do you want to go inside? I could make tea? Or coffee?"

Shelby stubbed out her cigarette, keeping hold of the butt to drop in the bin, "coffee would be good" she nodded, "thank you."

"Come on then" Leroy stood to his feet, "I always make vegan pancakes for Rachel when I get home from a trip, "you can keep me company."

Shelby followed Leroy inside, "I'm not sure I'll be very good company" she said honestly.

"Well then you can help me enjoy the quiet before the storm that is our wonderful daughter wakes up and starts talking a mile a minute."

"She certainly is something" Shelby smiled slightly as she washed her hands before she poured herself a glass of water, picking up a box from the top of the microwave.

"She is." Leroy flicked on the coffee machine, "what did they give you?" he gestured to the box.

"Lexapro" she showed him the box before swallowing the pill, "she wants me to take this for a week to get used to it and then start upping the dose."

"I think Hiram's used that in the past" Leroy mused, "I suppose it's too soon for you to know if it's working."

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "it's only been a couple of days, "not long enough for any benefits but apparently long enough for side effects." Shelby was surprised at how easy she felt around Leroy, it was like they'd never been apart she'd always felt comfortable around Hiram and Leroy, during her pregnancy they'd quickly began to feel almost like brothers to her.

"What side effects?" Leroy placed a mug in front of Shelby, the aroma of the strong coffee helping to clear the fog from her head slightly.

Shelby thanked him for the coffee before sighing, "just a little nausea, nothing…I can live with it."

"Have you tried ginger biscuits?" Leroy busied himself with making the pancakes, guessing Shelby would find it easier to talk if he wasn't concentrating all her attention on her, "I seem to recall them helping settle your stomach almost 17 years ago, "and peppermint tea too."

Shelby smiled as she thought back to the early days of her pregnancy, Hiram and Leroy keeping the house stocked with an almost endless supply of tea and biscuits, the only things that seemed to make her relentless morning sickness a little bit more bearable, "no, I erm, I didn't think about it."

"Well I need to go to the store later so I'll pick some up if you want?"

Shelby nodded, "I'd appreciate that, thank you, I'll give you some money and…"

"Nonsense" Leroy wouldn't hear of it, "do you mind if I go and wake Rachel."

"Sure" Shelby frowned, "you don't have to ask."

"You said she's been sleeping in with you?" Shelby nodded, "then I do have to ask, I wouldn't just walk into your room without asking. While you're here that's your space Shelby, just like when you stayed with us before Rachel was born, we'll respect your privacy, if you need us we're here, but if you need space then you'll have that too."

Shelby nodded, playing with a loose thread on her sleeve, "thank you."

Leroy smiled sadly, Shelby somehow seemed even younger than when he'd first met her almost eighteen years ago, she seemed so lost, so small, and, like Rachel, he knew he'd do anything to help Shelby find herself again, "nothing to thank me for" he smiled before heading upstairs to wake Rachel.

He woke his daughter the way he always had, kissing her cheek as he ran his hand through her hair and whispered her name, "Dad" Rachel smiled sleepily as she woke, "you're home."

"I am" Leroy brushed Rachel's hair from her face "and I made pancakes."

Rachel yawned and stretched before frowning and quickly sitting up when she realised the bed beside her was empty, "Mo… Shelby" she quickly corrected herself.

Leroy smiled, "your Mom's downstairs in the kitchen, she okay."

Rachel allowed Leroy to wrap her in his arms, "she's not okay Dad" she whispered, "she's not okay at all. She's scared and she's worried and she, she's hurting Dad"

"I know" Leroy kissed Rachel's hair, "that was a bad choice of words, I'm sorry, but she's safe, and we'll do everything we can to help her, I promise you Rach, but right now she's waiting for us in the kitchen so why don't we go down and join her?"

Rachel nodded against Leroy's shoulder, "I, I get scared when she's on her own" she whispered, "I don't want her to… I don't want her to leave or to… I just don't like her being on her own."

Leroy's heart broke for his daughter, she was usually so composed, so full of energy, but right now she was scared and frightened. He should have flown home early. He knew Hiram had offered several times to come back, and now wondered if Rachel hadn't been honest about quite how shaken she was by the things she'd had to deal with over the past few days, knowing full well that his husband wouldn't have stayed in Cincinatti if Rachel had been like this during their phone calls. "Come on then" he gently pulled her from the bed, "let's go and see her."

Shelby smiled when she saw Rachel walk into the kitchen, Leroy close behind her, "morning."

Rachel walked straight over to give her Mom a tight hug, "morning".

Shelby was only too happy to return the hug, "I'm sorry" she whispered, "if it worried you that I wasn't there when you woke." She remembered her daughter telling her that she worried about waking up to find her gone, "I woke early" she said honestly, "and I just needed to get some air, I was sat out in the garden when your Dad came back."

"It's okay" Rachel whispered as she took the seat beside Shelby, "I can't expect you to be by my side 24/7."

"No, but that doesn't mean I should just disappear without letting you know where I'm going" Shelby said honestly.

Leroy had watched the interaction as he'd cooked the pancakes, a sad smile on his face, it was obvious just how much Rachel and Shelby loved each other, but it was also obvious just how cautious they were around each other, neither wanting to say or do anything that might damage the fragile relationship they were building and he made a mental note that, when he called Rachel's therapist to schedule an appointment for the teen, he'd suggest that she saw Rachel and Shelby for some joint sessions too to see if she could help strengthen the budding relationship between mother and daughter.

There was a slightly tense atmosphere over the breakfast table no matter how much Leroy tried to engage Rachel and Shelby in conversation.

As much as she wanted to, Shelby couldn't rid herself of the feeling that she was in the way, she too felt the tension in the room and knew that this wasn't normal, was well aware that it was her presence bringing down the mood of everyone else around her.

It was for that reason that she excused herself once she'd helped clear away the dishes, mumbling something about getting dressed as she made her way out of the kitchen and back up to the guest room.

Leroy understood that Shelby might want some space, recognised that the woman was used to living alone and that it might take some time for her to adjust to living with other people so he ushered Rachel into the living room, promising he'd check on Shelby in a little while to put his daughter's mind at rest.

They spoke about Leroy's business trip, about the things Rachel had done whilst he'd been away and then he'd spent a while talking to her about Shelby, about her feelings towards Shelby and her struggles, reassuring her that her worries were valid, that it was okay for her to feel the way she felt. He held Rachel as she cried in his arms for a while before, in an attempt to take her mind off things for a while, he told her, "I'm going to the store later, why don't you help me make the shopping list?"

It was a simple request, something they'd done countless times but Leroy's heart sank at Rachel's response to his simple question about if there was anything she needed and he found himself trudging up the stairs to have a conversation with Shelby, not knowing how the woman would react to him.

He knocked twice on the guest room door, waiting for Shelby to invite him inside before stepping into the room, the look of surprise on Shelby's face giving away the fact that she'd expected Rachel and not him.

"Can I talk to you about something Rachel said to me?" Leroy asked, "can I…?" he gestured to the empty side of the bed when Shelby nodded.

"Sure" she whispered, her heart racing as she tried to work out what Leroy wanted to talk to her about.

"Please don't be angry with her" Leroy said as he sat beside Shelby on the bed, "I asked Rachel if she needed anything from the store and she asked for some erm, some medical supplies, I was worried about her but she reluctantly told me they were for you." Leroy looked up at Shelby, "she told me there was a cut on your arm that might need some more dressings… I wondered if you'd let me have a look."

Shelby's hand had instinctively gone to her arm when Leroy had mentioned it, fingers running over the edge of the dressing hidden by her long sleeves, "I erm…"

"I just want to check it's healing okay" Leroy told her, "that's all, you said yourself that you were struggling, you were trying to find a way to deal with feelings that felt overwhelming, it might not have been the best way to do that, but it's done now, we can't change that, but we can make sure it doesn't get infected, that it heals well."

"I didn't…" Shelby carefully pushed up her sleeve, "I regretted it as soon as I did it" she admitted, "especially somewhere so visible, I don't even… I don't remember picking up the knife, I just…" tears filled Shelby's eyes and she held her injured arm to her chest out of Leroy's reach, "I'm such an idiot, I should leave, you shouldn't want me around your daughter, you don't want someone as crazy as me getting close to her."

"Shelby" Leroy was almost certain that Shelby was talking to herself and not him, and he wanted to get her attention, wanted to reassure her that nobody was going to judge her. "Shelby" he reached out and gently put his hand on her shoulder, "Shelby, please look at me." She slowly lifted her gaze to meet his, "I don't think you're crazy, and Hiram and I would never stop you seeing Rachel unless we thought you were going to intentionally hurt her, and we know you wouldn't do that Shelby. I just wanted to see how the cut was healing but if you're not comfortable showing me then that's fine, I'll pick up some supplies at the store and you can take care of it yourself okay?"

Shelby looked up at Leroy, big dark eyes full of tears reminding him of Rachel when she was younger, when she'd come to him to kiss her skinned knees better, but he knew it would take more than a kiss and a cookie before Shelby was 'all better', "you can see it" she whispered, holding out her arm.

Leroy thanked Shelby and carefully removed the dressing. The cut was bigger than he'd imagined but it looked clean and seemed to be healing well, "you did a good job cleaning it up" he told her, "it's looking good."

"That was Rachel" Shelby whispered. I just stuck a dressing on it and went out to a bar. She was the one that cleaned it up and put the paper stitches on" Shelby whispered, ashamed to admit that her daughter had been the one taking care of her.

"I remember her taking the first aid classes, I came home from work one day and Hiram was laid out on the couch covered in bandages, I nearly had a heart attack until he sat up and told me it was just Rachel practicing. I thought he'd been in an accident or something" Leroy chuckled before telling Shelby, "I think this should be okay without the dressing now, it looks like it's starting to heal nicely."

Shelby nodded, "thanks" she said softly before carefully pulling her sleeve down over the wound.

"Did you mention this when you saw the therapist?" Leroy asked.

Shelby bit her lip before nodding, "yeah, and I mentioned that it wasn't the first time. I told her about…" Shelby bit her lip, not sure how much Leroy knew, "I told her about some other things too. I didn't think there was any point in me going if I wasn't going to be honest."

Leroy smiled sympathetically, "that can't have been easy, but it's a good thing to do, get everything out in the open and take it from there. Did everything go okay? I mean, do you feel comfortable with her or do you think you need to find someone else?"

"She was okay" Shelby nodded, "I'm going again next week" she told him, "she suggested weekly sessions for the first month or so and then we can assess if I feel like that's okay or if twice weekly or every other week would be better."

"Okay" Leroy nodded, "I'm…" he paused as he thought about his words. "I'm not glad that you're going, because I wish you weren't going through any of this, but it's good that you're willing to work with the therapist. It probably won't be easy for you, but you've got Hiram and I, and you've got Rachel. This isn't a battle you have to fight on your own. Not anymore."

"Thank you." A slightly awkward silence fell between the pair and Leroy was about to make his excuses and leave when Shelby spoke again, her voice little more than a whisper, her gaze fixed on the duvet. "Rachel, she erm, she's been so good to me over the past few days and I, I'd like to get her something, a sort of thank you gift, but I don't really know her, do you have any ideas for what I could get her?" she asked nervously, continuously running her hand along her arm without realising.

Leroy took hold of Shelby's hand to stop her, "why don't you change the fact you don't know her too well?" he suggested. "School vacations are coming up, and if you feel up to it, you and Rachel could go on a trip for a couple of days. Hiram and I can pay for it if you need us to."

Shelby shook her head, "money isn't an object, I just…" she lifted her head, searching Leroy face for any hint of doubt, but she saw nothing but compassion in his gaze, "you'd let me take her on a trip?"

"Shelby" Leroy squeezed the hand he was still holding, "Rachel is your daughter, of course we'll let her take a vacation with you." He sighed, "Hiram and I, we never planned on keeping her from you. The contract was my parents idea, they thought you'd get attached to her and want to keep her. They had it drawn up and we felt like the only way we'd get them off our backs was if you signed it. So many times during the pregnancy Hiram and I wanted to tear it up but I suppose my parents words worked and we both got nervous about you changing your mind. Then she was born and we got all caught up in the chaos of having a newborn with a spectacular set of lungs on her. She was 6 weeks old the first time Hiram and I spoke about offering you at least visitation with her, but we couldn't find you, you'd moved out of Ohio."

"I went to New York" Shelby told him, "I thought that would make things better, that I could have a fresh start but it didn't work, I came back after 3 months, I…" she shrugged, "I don't really remember much about that time of my life, it's all just a big blur."

"Take Rachel away, a few days in New York, a weekend in Chicago, whatever the two of you want to do. Get away from all this and get to know one another. Give yourself a break, God knows you deserve one, I've heard how brutal Coach Corcoran can be."

Shelby chuckled quietly as Leroy winked to show her he was joking, "her brutality is greatly exaggerated. I prefer to think of her as tough but fair, if the kids want to be the best then they need to put in the work."

"That sounds fair enough" Leroy laughed.

The pair spoke for a little while longer, lighter topics than before, their conversation a mixture of catching up on each other's lives and reminiscing on memories from the last time Shelby had lived with Hiram and Leroy. "I should get back to Rachel" Leroy said a while later, "she's probably wondering if we've killed each other. You know you don't need to hide away up here though" he gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "come down and join us if you want. You could even come to the store with us later if you feel up to it?"

Shelby thought for a moment before nodding, maybe getting out of the house for a while would be a good idea. "Okay. Can I grab a quick shower first?"

"Of course" Leroy nodded, "I want to shower and change too and Rachel's still in her pyjamas, there's no rush, we can go when everyone's ready" he smiled before leaving the room.

Shelby felt a little lighter after talking to Leroy, she hated burdening anyone with her problems, but she certainly felt a lot less guilty about talking to another adult than she did Rachel. She'd been unable to shake the voice in her head constantly pointing out that she was Rachel's Mom, she should be supporting and comforting her daughter, Rachel shouldn't be the one supporting her, Rachel shouldn't be worrying about her Mom's mental health as much as she so obviously was, but Shelby didn't feel quite so guilty about talking to Leroy.

She was surprised at how easy it had been to talk to Leroy, they'd been close during her pregnancy, she'd been close to both men, but several years had passed since then she'd expected things to be different now but it was almost like they'd never been apart. She'd also felt a small weight be lifted from her chest at Leroy's revelation that he and Hiram hadn't wanted to keep her from Rachel, no longer worried that they'd be angry with her for seeking the girl out. She sighed and stretched as she stood to find something to wear to the store, allowing herself to wonder for the first time in a while if things might, one day, really be okay again.


	10. Chapter 10

Spawn, thank you for mentioning Shelby's moods in regards to the vacation in your review. Leroy suggesting the vacation was one of the first things I wrote, ready to slip it in when the time came, but the rest of the fic has seen Shelby struggling a lot more than I first planned so it didn't really fit quite as well as I intended it to, but that'll be addressed in the next chapter!

* * *

"Can I drive your car to the store?" Rachel asked Shelby as they waited for Leroy to come downstairs.

Shelby nodded, "sure, but you need to ask your Dad too and make sure that it's okay with him."

"Okay" Rachel nodded, that seemed fair. They watched TV in silence until Leroy came into the room, "Da-ad".

"Yes Pumpkin?" Leroy raised an eyebrow, he could tell from the tone of Rachel's voice that she wanted something.

"Shelby said that I can drive us to the store in her car if you say it's okay."

Leroy frowned, "Shelby's car? As in the Lexus parked on our driveway?"

"Yeah."

Leroy turned his attention to Shelby, "you're okay with her driving that?"

Shelby nodded, "she takes more care when she's driving it than I do" she chuckled.

"Well if you're sure then it's fine by me."

Shelby looked at Rachel, couldn't help but smile by the hopeful look on her daughter's face, "you know where my keys are" she told her.

"Shelby" Leroy frowned when he saw Shelby open the back door of her car, "don't you…" he gestured to the passenger seat.

"There's more leg room in the front" she told him, "you need it more than me."

The car radio was the only sound in the car during the drive, but for once the lack of conversation didn't feel awkward to Shelby, she felt somewhat lighter after her conversation with Leroy, a little more content and settled than she had that morning, her anxiety lessened somewhat by their chat.

They made light conversation as they walked the aisles, Leroy pushing the cart, Rachel smiling at the thought that she was grocery shopping with her Mom and one of her Dads, something that would be completely normal for a lot of people but felt both strange, but yet somehow right to Rachel, the teen surprised by how well her Mom and Dad were getting along.

"Are you okay?" Leroy asked as Rachel went back to pick up something she'd forgotten, he'd noticed Shelby becoming more and more anxious and he wasn't sure if she was struggling with social anxiety from being in the store or if it was something more than that but he hadn't wanted to bring it up in front of Rachel.

Shelby sighed and wrapped her arms around herself protectively, glancing around to make sure Rachel really was out of earshot, "I…" she bit her lip for a second before deciding to just be honest with him. She glanced over her shoulder again, "I had… it was probably more 'disordered eating' than an eating disorder per se" she admitted quietly, "but I had some, some 'issues' with food. It was a long time ago now, but whenever things get bad my appetite is the first thing to go, and what happened back then, what my body is capable of doing to itself… I suppose it's just always in the back of my mind, this fear that, as much as I don't want to, I'm going to end up like that again."

Leroy smiled sadly and reached out, gently stroking Shelby's back, "I appreciate you telling me that" he said, Shelby hearing none of the pity she expected in the man's voice. "Do you think it would help if we got lots of little things for you? So instead of feeling like you have to force down a full plate of food, you could have a few crackers now and then in half an hour you can have some grapes or an apple, if you ate little and often instead of feeling like you have to face three big meals?"

Shelby shrugged, "maybe. I don't know."

"Do you want to try?" Leroy asked, "and maybe we could get some things to make smoothies or even some ensure or something for the days when you really don't feel like eating."

"Not… not ensure" Shelby's breath caught in her throat at the thought, she wasn't even sure she could look at a bottle of ensure, never mind force herself to drink one.

"Okay, okay" Leroy squeezed Shelby's hand, "we won't do anything you're not comfortable with, you can get whatever you want to get okay? Nobody's going to force you to do anything." Shelby nodded, not daring to speak for fear she'd burst into tears in the middle of the store, she was so used to trying to fight her demons on her own that Leroy's kindness was almost overwhelming. "Oh come here" Leroy didn't care where they were, just pulled Shelby into his arms in the middle of the aisle when he saw the tears shining in her eyes, "I meant what I said" he told her as he hugged her tightly, "you're not on your own anymore."

As much as he tried not to, Leroy found himself watching Shelby as they shopped, the man slightly relieved to see that she didn't seem to be studying the nutritional information on any of the products she placed in the cart which reassured him slightly. He didn't know the nature of Shelby's 'disordered eating' and he wasn't going to ask unless she brought it up. He did however, make a mental note to keep an eye on her and make sure she did actually eat the food they were buying.

There was a slight argument as they went to pay, Shelby taking out her credit card but Leroy refused to let her pay for anything, insisting that he was paying and that was that.

"Would you mind if we stopped at my apartment so I can get a few more things?" Shelby asked once the bags were all in the trunk of her SUV, "I can go over later though if you want to get home."

"No, I don't mind" Leroy smiled, "are you still okay for Rachel to drive?"

"Sure" Shelby nodded, "do you need directions?" she asked her daughter.

"I think I know where I'm going" Rachel remembered roughly where her Mom lived, "but I might need a little help when we get closer."

"Okay" Shelby slipped back into the back seat, "just let me know when."

Rachel made it to Shelby's apartment block with just a few directions from Shelby, "how do I…" she gestured to the shutter door again, remembering that it had let her out automatically when they left, but wasn't sure how to get in.

"Drive up to it and give it a second" Shelby told her "it'll open automatically."

"Is it magic or something?" Rachel joked as the shutter began to open.

"Not quite" Shelby laughed, "there's a sticker in the bottom right of the windshield" a quick glance from Rachel confirmed what her Mom had said, "there's a barcode sort of thing on the other side and a camera by the door that reads it."

"Oh, that's not as exciting" Rachel laughed as she carefully pulled into the same space Shelby's car had been parked in when they'd first come over.

"Do you two want to wait here" Shelby suggested, "I won't be long."

"I…" Rachel was about to protest until Leroy spoke over her.

"Of course" he nodded, "take as long as you need."

"Dad" Rachel's protested almost as soon as Shelby was out of the car, "the last time she was in her apartment alone she… you've seen her arm!"

"I know" Leroy nodded, "I know you're worried and I understand why, I'm not trying to play that down Rachel, but Shelby is an adult, and yes she might be struggling right now, but the last thing we want is to make her feel like we don't trust her, so we'll give her some time okay."

"But…"

"We can't watch over her all the time, as much as we might want to" Leroy reached out to take Rachel's hands in his, "we have to give her space sometimes. But, to put your mind at rest, we can give her half an hour" he told Rachel, "if she isn't back in thirty minutes I'll give her a call and ask if she needs help carrying her bags down to the car. The fact she's getting more things to stay with us a little longer is a good thing Rachel, try and focus on the positives." He leaned over and gently kissed her forehead, "and I'll be calling your therapist first thing on Monday to make you that appointment Pumpkin."

Rachel's mind was put at rest when Shelby came back just fifteen minutes later, throwing a holdall and a laptop bag into the trunk with the groceries before slipping back into the back seat. "Thanks".

"Get everything?" Leroy asked.

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "I erm, I needed some clothes for work and Rachel suggested we go out for a run together so I needed to get some workout gear too."

"That sounds good" Leroy nodded as Rachel backed out of the parking space, "I might tag along occasionally if you don't mind?"

"Of course not Dad, as long as you don't hold us back" Rachel teased.

"I am highly offended by that" Leroy gasped, "I might not be as fast as you but I've got more stamina" he teased.

Leroy refused help with the groceries once they were home so Shelby took her bag upstairs, sighing as she hung up the smart clothes she wore for work alongside the yoga pants and sweatshirts she'd brought with her the first time. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't nervous about going back to work but she knew she couldn't avoid it any longer, she hadn't taken a single sick day in the six years she'd worked at Carmel and now she'd taken three in the past week, she knew there'd be gossip and questions and she didn't know if she had it in her to face them.

She made her way downstairs after putting her clothes away, finding Rachel and Leroy in the kitchen. "Would you like to join us for lunch?" Leroy asked as he took a few things out to make food for himself and Rachel.

"Dad" Rachel frowned, "of course Shelby will be eating with us."

"Pumpkin" Leroy said softly, "Shelby might not be hungry yet, she might just want a snack, she might even just want to eat something different to us, that's why I'm asking her what she wants to do."

"Sorry" Rachel apologised to Leroy and Shelby, "do you want to eat lunch with us?" she asked Shelby.

"I will eat with you" Shelby nodded before turning to Leroy, "but I'll make myself something if that's okay?"

"Of course" Leroy smiled, gesturing to the space beside himself, "help yourself."

Shelby made herself a small bowl of fruit covered in natural yoghurt and sat beside Rachel and Leroy who both had a grilled cheese sandwich and salad, Leroy's sandwich made with regular cheese, Rachel's with a vegan substitute. Leroy noticed the look on Rachel's face when she saw how little Shelby had to eat but he didn't say anything, deciding to speak to Rachel in private later on if he needed to.

Leroy suggested a board game once they'd all eaten, Rachel was quick to agree but Shelby quietly admitted that the trip to the store had exhausted her, and chose to curl up in the armchair with a blanket and a book as Rachel and Leroy settled down to play scrabble on the coffee table.

Rachel was winning the game and Shelby was beginning to doze off, her book fallen against her chest, when the creak of the front door opening startled her awake again. Leroy frowned and stood quickly to his feet, "stay here" he said as he stepped into the hallway, his face lighting up when he came face to face with his husband, "what are you doing here?" he smiled, "I wasn't expecting you home today."

"I wasn't expecting to come home today" Hiram put down his bag so he could kiss his husband, "but my Mom heard me on the phone to you earlier and pretty much forced me into my car so here I am."

"Daddy" Rachel almost knocked the scrabble board over in her haste to stand up when she saw him, "you're back!"

"I am Princess, I am." He hugged Rachel tightly and kissed her hair before making his way over to Shelby, "hello Stranger" he said softly, holding out his arms, not at all surprised to find Shelby clinging to him just a second later, "it's okay" he murmured as he held her closely, "it's okay."

Shelby had been close to both Hiram and Leroy during her pregnancy, but, as the one who'd been able to work from home, she'd understandably found herself closer to Hiram than Leroy. It had been Hiram who'd sat with her when she'd been unable to sleep, talking about her dreams for the future, her fears about childbirth. It had been Hiram who'd promised her that he'd be there every step of the way, that she wouldn't be alone. And he had been. He'd been there when she felt her first contraction, rubbed her back as she'd vomited in the kitchen sink, held her hand as Rachel had come screaming into the world and stayed by her side even after Rachel had been taken away to be checked over after Shelby's doctor had uttered the dreaded words, "you're going to need stitches."

She didn't even realise she was crying as she clung to Hiram, not until he wiped at her tears, promising her over and over that everything was going to be okay. Hiram held Shelby closely as she sobbed and reached for some tissues once she began to calm, gently wiping at her eyes before holding a tissue to her nose, "blow."

His actions had the desired effect as Shelby chuckled quietly, taking the tissue from him and blowing her nose herself, "thanks".

"Nothing to thank me for" he insisted as he adjusted the cushions in the chair and tucked Shelby back in her blanket, taking her book and placing it on the coffee table. "Are you going to tell me your secret then?" he asked as he sat on the edge of the couch, smiling as Leroy and Rachel came in with drinks for everyone, Leroy shooing Rachel from the room to give Shelby some privacy when he'd noticed her tears.

Shelby frowned and thanked Rachel for the coffee she was given, "what secret?"

"Well" Hiram raised his eyebrows, "it's been over 17 years since we first met, and you don't look like you've aged a day. How have you done it."

Shelby rolled her eyes, "more caffeine than is probably healthy for a human to consume" she told him, "expensive moisturiser and a good hairdresser."

"Don't mention hair" Leroy teased, "someone's balding and its a bit of a touchy subject."

Hiram gasped, his hand flying up to cover the crown of his head, "I am not balding" he frowned, "I may be thinning a little but I am not balding!"

Rachel couldn't help but smile when she heard Shelby laugh at her Daddy's dramatics, and she could only hope that she'd get to hear her Mom laughing a lot more in the future.


	11. Chapter 11

They sat together for a while before Shelby stepped outside for a cigarette, washing her hands when she came back inside before thinking for a second, she knew she'd hardly eaten anything today so she opened a cupboard and took out a box of protein bars.

"Hey".

Shelby jumped slightly, turning to find Hiram stood by the door, "hi.".

"I didn't mean to make you jump" he walked over to her, watching as she put a bar on the side before putting the box back into the cupboard. "I wondered if we could talk" he asked.

Shelby nodded, "sure."

"Can we go upstairs?" Hiram suggested, "talk somewhere we're less likely to be disturbed?"

"Okay" Shelby nodded, leaving her protein bar on the counter as she followed Hiram upstairs, feeling sick with nerves, not sure what Hiram wanted to speak to about, what he needed to say to her that couldn't be said in the kitchen.

"Rachel said something the first time she spoke to me about you staying here" Hiram told her as they sat together on Shelby's bed, "and its been playing on my mind so I have to ask Shel." She nodded, giving him permission to continue. "She said she got the impression that if she hadn't found you when she did, you'd have attempted to take your own life again." Shelby's expression answered the question Hiram hadn't yet asked, "and do you still feel that way?" he gently prompted, much like the therapist had.

Shelby bit her lip and gave a single nod, "I won't though" she tried to reassure him, "I wouldn't, couldn't do that to Rachel."

Hiram couldn't stop himself, and he pulled Shelby into his arms at her confession, "I'm glad Rachel's given you a reason to keep going" he told her, "but I hope in time, with therapy and the right medication, if you need it, you find that life is worth living for you, and not just for your daughter."

"I don't want to feel like this any more" Shelby whispered, her tears soaking into Hiram's shirt as he held her close, "I feel so empty and so full at the same time and I just want it all to stop."

"I promise you you won't feel like this forever" Hiram promised, "it won't be easy, but with time, and the help Leroy and I will make sure you get, you'll get through this, you'll feel better, your mind will be clearer, you'll learn ways, healthy ways, to cope with the bad days. It might not work the first time, you might need to see a couple of therapists before you find one you click with. You might need to try several medications, several doses of medication before you find the one that works, but you don't have to do it alone Shel, on the good days, on the bad days, on the days where you feel you've taken fifteen steps backwards, Rachel, Leroy and I, we're all here for you, whenever you need us, whatever you need us for. You're not on your own anymore.

They sat in silence for a while, Hiram holding Shelby until her tears stopped, "sorry" she sniffled, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand, "I'm sure you weren't expecting to come home to just have me cry all over you."

"You're forgetting that I've been here" Hiram told her, "I know how terrifying it is to wake up in the morning and know that you have to spend another day fighting with your own mind. You never need to apologise for how you're feeling. Not to me." Shelby nodded but said nothing. "Leroy said you were going to take a trip with Rachel?" Hiram tried to lighten the mood.

Shelby nodded, "I wanted to do something to thank her, he suggested we went away for a few days, a sort of bonding thing. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is. You're her Mom. Do you know where you're going?"

"No, I thought I might suggest it to her later, see where she wants to go."

"New York" Hiram smiled, "I bet it won't even take her a second to decide, and by tomorrow she'll have it all planned out, schedules, charts, itineraries, you'll wonder what you've let yourself in for" he chuckled, "but the two of you will have a great time. In fact, Leroy and I might take a little vacation too" he mused, "it's been a long time since we went away just the two of us, and I know Rachel's 16 but we don't like leaving her alone. I wanted to take her to Cincinnati with me but she was worried about her attendance record."

"She took time off when I was here" Shelby frowned.

"Because you obviously mean more to her than her attendance at school." Shelby said nothing but Hiram could tell something was on her mind. "What are you thinking?" he asked her.

"When Rachel and I go away, what if I…" Shelby sighed, "what if my mood changes and I ruin things?"

Hiram thought about his words for a moment, "your mood changing whle you're away is a possibility" he agreed, "and if you're really worried about it then Leroy and I will hold off on booking anything. If, closer to the time, you're doing okay then we'll book something somewhere. If you're still worried then Leroy and I will have our vacation wherever it is you and Rachel decide to go. We'll make our own way there, stay in a different hotel and do our own thing so the two of you get your trip away, but if anything happens then we'll only be a phone call away. "

"You'd really do that?"

"Of course, we want you and Rachel to bond, but if us being in the same city reassures you enough to make that easier then that's fine, we can always go away on our own next year, or whenever you feel comfortable watching Rachel on your own" he smiled.

"Thank you"

"You don't need to thank us" Hiram told her, "Rachel is your daughter, Leroy and I will do whatever it takes to help the two of you bond" he promised.

The pair spoke for a little longer, Hiram making sure there was nothing else playing on her mind, nothing else she needed reassurance about, before they went back downstairs together. "I'll go and make some more drinks." Leroy smiled when he saw Shelby and Hiram come back into the living room.

"I'll help you" Hiram said, following his husband into the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked Shelby, watching as the woman curled herself back up into the armchair.

Shelby thought for a moment, not sure how to answer that question, "I… I'll get there" she didn't know how else to respond, she couldn't even identify how she was feeling right now, even if she wanted to. She looked up at Rachel before softly asking, "how are you? I've been so caught up in myself that I didn't even consider how you might be feeling."

"I erm…"Rachel bit her lip, "Dad's going to call my therapist on Monday, Daddy thinks that being able to talk to someone outside the family about everything would be beneficial."

Shelby's heart broke at the news that her daughter was going to therapy, '_because of you_' the voice in her head told her, "that… that's good" Shelby tried to hide the shake in her voice.

"It, it's not your fault" Rachel said quietly. "So please don't blame yourself. I'm okay."

Shelby nodded, wishing she could believe the girl's words. She didn't have time to reply before Hiram and Leroy came back into the room and for that she was grateful because she didn't know what to say, she didn't know how to hold a conversation with her daughter, another thing to add to the list of reasons why she shouldn't be a mother.

"Here you go" Leroy handed Shelby a mug of the chamomile, honey and vanilla tea she'd picked up earlier that day, rightly assuming that she might need something to help calm her down a little.

"Thank you" Shelby cradled the mug in her hands, relishing the burn of the hot china against her fingers.

"I brought this in too" he said quietly, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the protein bar that had been left on the side.

Shelby took the bar, "thank you" she said before looking down at it, "I don't think I can…" her stomach was in knots, she was sure she'd vomit if she tried to eat anything.

"Well it's there if you want it" Leroy squeezed Shelby's hand, "and you know where the kitchen is if you want anything else."

Shelby nodded, putting her mug down on the coffee table, "thank you".

Rachel watched the interaction between Shelby and Leroy with a slight frown on her face. She'd done her research, of course she had, so she knew that Shelby's depression could be causing a lack of appetite, but as she watched her Mom staring at the protein bar, as if she was silently arguing with herself over whether to eat it or not, Rachel couldn't help but wonder if there was something bigger going on.

Shelby knew she was being watched, Leroy more discrete than Rachel, but they were both watching her, probably Hiram too, and, as much as she knew she should eat the protein bar, she didn't want to do it in front of an audience, so she stood, slipping the protein bar into her pocket and picking up her mug, not saying anything as she made her way outside, picking up her cigarettes on the way.

"Dad" Rachel frowned once the back door clicked shut, "Is Shelby okay? She barely ate any of the pancakes this morning, and she didn't have much lunch, and then…" she gestured to the empty chair.

"Shelby is trying to deal with a lot of things right now Pumpkin" Leroy told her, "and sometimes, when people aren't, mentally, in a good place, they struggle to do things that seem so normal to the rest of us."

"Like eating?" Rachel asked.

"Exactly" Leroy nodded.

"But also things like, showering, leaving the house, even getting out of bed can be a struggle some days." Hiram added

Leroy nodded again, "I've suggested to Shelby that it might be easier for her to have several smaller meals or snacks each day instead of three larger meals and she's willing to try that. But I don't want you drawing attention to it okay Pumpkin. If you get worried then come and talk to me or your Daddy and if we need to, or if we're worried about Shelby's eating habits then we'll talk to her about it okay?"

Rachel nodded, "I just don't like seeing her like this, I want her to be happy, I want her to be okay."

"And she will be" Hiram promised, wrapping his arm around Rachel and holding her close, "we'll make sure of it."

Both Berry men were tired from their travels, so Hiram ordered pizza for dinner, Shelby agreeing to join them at Rachel's request. She managed just a slice and half of the pepperoni pizza she'd agreed to share with Hiram and Leroy, but she forced herself to finish the second slice too. She knew Rachel was watching her, knew her daughter was worried and wished she could manage a third slice too but she knew that she'd be sick, and knew that Rachel would probably worry even more, or jump to the wrong conclusions if she vomited after she'd eaten.

Shelby forced herself to stay until everyone else had finished eating before excusing herself, mumbling something about a shower as she made her way upstairs, deciding to spend the evening in her room, not wanting to make the family any more uncomfortable than she already felt like she had.

She took a long shower, for a reason she wasn't sure she'd ever understand, the shower seemed to be the one place her mind seemed to stop. She turned the temperature up until it was just short of scalding and concentrated on nothing but the feel of the water hitting her skin and the steam filling her lungs. She knew that as soon as she shut off the water the weight of the world would come crashing down on her again, but for now, as she stood under the water, eyes closed so she didn't have to see herself, she didn't worry about that, allowed herself the comfort that came from only focusing on the feel of the water raining down on her weary body.

Leroy and Hiram kept Rachel downstairs for a while, allowing Shelby some space and some time to herself. It was almost two hours later that Shelby heard Rachel come upstairs and she took a moment to compose herself before walking down the hall and knocking gently on her daughter's door, waiting to be called inside before stepping into the room.

"Oh, hi" Rachel was surprised to see Shelby, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "I erm, I just wondered if I could talk to you about something."

Rachel frowned a little but nodded, "sure" she gestured for Shelby to join her on the bed, "what is it?"

"I was talking to your Dad earlier" Shelby said nervously as she sat beside Rachel, "and I, I said I wanted to get you something to say thank you for everything you've done over the past few days."

"You don't have to get me anything" Rachel interrupted, but Shelby simply continued.

"I said that I feel like I don't really know you, so I asked your Dad for some suggestions, and he suggested we went away somewhere for a few days, just you and I, to give us the chance to get to know each other a little better."

Rachel's face lit up, "really? Like a vacation? Just you and me?"

"Just you and me" Shelby nodded, "but I've spoken to your Daddy, I guess I'm a little…" Shelby stopped for a minute as she tried to think of the right word, "apprehensive" she finally came up with, "about how I'd cope if we went away and my mood changed for the worse. Your Daddy said that if I'm still worried nearer the time, he and your Dad will come along but they'd make their own way there, they'd stay in a different place and if everything goes well we wouldn't see them, it would just be the two of us, but if we needed them they'd be close by."

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "that makes sense." She understood Shelby's concern and appreciated that she'd gone to the effort of trying to find a solution to the potential problem before it arose.

"If going away together something you want to do, you can choose where we go, within reason." Shelby told Rachel, "it'll probably only be for a couple of days so I don't want to spend too long traveling."

"Can I think about it?" Rachel asked, "I mean, yes, I'd love to go somewhere with you, but can I think about where?"

"Of course" Shelby nodded, "take as long as you need, but your Daddy seemed convinced you wouldn't need time to think about it, you'd say New York in an instant."

"I do love New York" Rachel agreed, "but it's the first trip we'll be taking together, I'd like to go somewhere I haven't been before."

"Okay" Shelby nodded, "just let me know when you think of somewhere and we'll start planning okay?"

Rachel nodded, "could I erm, could I give you a hug?" Shelby said nothing but held out her arms, surprised by how quickly she found Rachel's arms wrapped tightly around her. "I'm glad you're here" Rachel whispered, "that you're still here."

Shelby closed her eyes tightly to stop her tears and briefly let her head rest on Rachel's shoulder before telling her, "I'm not going anywhere Rachel. I promise."


	12. Chapter 12

I'm away from home at the moment so I'm posting this update a little early whilst I have WiFi! I hope you like it!

* * *

Shelby came downstairs late on Sunday afternoon to find Rachel sat on her own in the living room, a bottle of nail polish on the coffee table as she wiped off the polish she already had on her nails, "do erm, do you want a hand?" Shelby asked.

Rachel turned to face Shelby and smiled, "I'd like that" she nodded.

Shelby moved to sit beside Rachel, taking the nail polish remover, pouring a little bit onto a fresh cotton round before taking Rachel's hand and beginning to remove her nail polish.

"Do you just put this straight on?" Shelby asked, picking up the bottle of nail polish once she'd done.

Rachel nodded, "yeah."

"Give me a minute" Shelby said as she stood from the couch, "I'll be back" she promised. Rachel just nodded and watched as Shelby made her way back upstairs, coming down a few minutes later with another bottle in her hand, "this is a basecoat and a topcoat" she said, shaking the bottle as she sat back beside Rachel, "using it as a basecoat will stop the polish staining your nails, especially if you use darker colours, and using it as top coat will stop it chipping quite so easily" she said, gently holding Rachel's hand in her own as she applied the clear polish to her daughter's nails.

"I didn't know that" Rachel read the writing on the bottle as she held it for Shelby, "I'll have to get some."

"You can keep that one if you want" Shelby told her, "I had that bottle in with my makeup, I'm sure I've got another at home."

Rachel couldn't help her smile as Shelby asked her to swap hands, "thank you."

"It's okay. We could maybe go to a salon and get our nails done together one day if you want?" she suggested, thinking it might be a way to help her bond with her daughter.

Rachel nodded, "I'd like that" she said, the smile still on her face, "maybe before our vacation?"

"Sure" Shelby put the base coat down on the table, Rachel resting her hands on her knees as she waited for it to dry, "have you given any thought to where you want to go?"

"I've have thought of somewhere" Rachel said softly, "it's not that far but I looked at flights and they're kind of expensive so I understand if you'd rather go somewhere else and…"

"Rachel" Shelby interrupted her rambling as she reached for the pale pink nail polish, "where is it?"

"Toronto" Rachel bit her lip.

"Canada?"

Rachel nodded, "you have a passport right? I don't mind if you'd rather stay in the states though. You're right, I'll look for somewhere else."

"I didn't say no Rachel" Shelby put her hand on Rachel's shoulder, "let me talk to your Dads and look into it okay? I'm not saying no but I'm not saying yes right now either, if you want to go to Toronto then I'll see what I can do" she smiled, passing Rachel the nail polish and taking hold of her hand once again.

Hiram and Leroy joined Rachel and Shelby on the couch whilst Shelby was applying the second coat of pink polish to her daughter's nails, Hiram sitting beside Shelby, Leroy beside Rachel, forcing the two to move closer as the four of them squashed together on the couch. "Sunday night is movie night" Hiram told Shelby, "and we were hoping you'd join us."

Shelby laughed slightly as she put the cap back on the nail polish, "I don't seem to have a choice, just don't make it a horror film."

"Do you honestly think I ever get to watch anything that isn't a musical" Leroy asked as he picked up the remote.

"No" Shelby chuckled, "I guess not."

They settled on The Greatest Showman after Shelby admitted that she hadn't seen it, Shelby surprised to find Rachel cuddling into her once they finished painting her nails, Shelby having no choice but to wrap her arm around her daughter, Rachel's head against her chest, her feet in Leroy's lap as Shelby allowed herself to relax back against Hiram, thinking back to all the time she'd spent laying against one of the men whilst the other rubbed her feet during her pregnancy.

It was Rachel who was first to excuse herself after dinner and a second movie, thanking Shelby for painting her nails with a kiss to the cheek and heading upstairs to get her things ready for school.

"Rachel's decided on a destination for our trip" Shelby told Hiram and Leroy once they were alone.

"Oh" Leroy gently pulled Shelby's legs from where they were tucked under her body, encouraging her to relax a little, "where are the two of you off to?"

"She suggested Toronto."

"Toronto?" Hiram asked, "Toronto Canada?"

Shelby nodded, "is that okay? I told her I'd need to speak to you about it first, and I'd understand if you don't want me taking her out of the country I can…"

"Shelby it's fine" the two men reassured her.

"Toronto's about the same distance as New York, it's not an issue" Leroy mused, "I'm just a bit surprised that's where she chose. Did she say why?"

"She said that it's her first trip with me so she'd like to go somewhere she hasn't been before."

"Well if you're both happy with the choice then I'm sure you'll have a great time." Hiram smiled.

"I'm sure Rachel will be researching things to see and do. But I thought I might take her to see Niagara falls."

"She'd love that. We've talked about going up a couple of times when we've been in New York but we've never made it. We should make the effort next time we're up there so she can say she's seen both sides of it." Hiram suggested.

"You don't mind me taking her?"

"Of course we don't" Leroy smiled, "you're her Mom, the two of you go and have a great time. We trust you Shelby. You don't need to ask us for permission to take your daughter to new places."

"And are you two okay to come if I… if things haven't improved?"

Hiram held Shelby a little tighter, "of course we are Shel, we'll do whatever it takes to make you and Rachel happy."

Shelby stayed where she was, even after she'd finished talking to Hiram and Leroy, Hiram had begun to play with her hair as she leant back against him and Leroy had slowly moved Shelby's feet into his lap and was gently massaging them, both men knowing Shelby would be feeling apprehensive about her return to work and wanting to help her relax a little.

As she relaxed, Shelby was surprised to feel tears pricking at her eyes, unable to hold them back as they began to roll silently down her cheeks.

Hiram and Leroy didn't comment on Shelby's tears, they knew she'd been desperately trying to hold herself together for far too long now and they knew she needed to let go and they were glad she knew that they'd provide a safe place for her to do that.

Shelby didn't even try to stop her tears, just let them fall, she wasn't even sure she could stop them if she wanted to. She'd cried a lot lately, she knew that, but this felt different, when they came for no reason, her tears were usually accompanied by ugly, noisy sobs, but not this time. This time there were just tears rolling silently down her cheeks and a strange feeling in her chest, almost like something had been inside her, holding back these tears, and now it was gone, leaving behind a feeling that Shelby could only describe as one of relief.

Hiram and Leroy didn't move, just continued holding Shelby, playing with her hair and massaging her feet until her tears stopped, Shelby not sure she had anything left to cry, "feel better for that?" Hiram asked softly as Leroy reached for the box of tissues and handed them to Shelby.

"Yeah" she nodded as she wiped at her eyes, "I do actually."

"Good" Hiram smiled, "I know it's not going to fix everything, but sometimes a good cry makes things feel a bit better."

"I don't… I never used to…"

"That doesn't matter" Leroy told her, taking the used tissues from her and dropping them in the coffee table, "if you need to cry then you cry, you don't need to be strong for us Shelby."

Hiram and Leroy had expected Shelby to leave once she'd calmed, assumed she'd be embarrassed by her tears, but she didn't have the energy to move, and she felt so comfortable, so safe, with the two men that she didn't move until her bladder forced her to. She said goodnight to them both, smiling at the kisses they both placed on her still damp cheeks, before making her way upstairs, desperately hoping she'd be able to fall asleep.

"Do we need to have a conversation?" Leroy asked his husband after they'd heard the guestroom door click closed.

"About what?" Hiram asked, shuffling over to his husband.

"I know Shelby's likely to have opened up to you more than she has me" there was no judgement or jealousy in Leroy's words, just a simple statement of fact, "I know she either is, or very recently has been, suicidal. What do you think the likelihood is that she'll act on that?"

Hiram sighed, "she told me that she still thinks about ending her life. But she also told me that she wouldn't act on those thoughts, she said she couldn't do it to Rachel."

"Okay" Leroy nodded, "do we need a game plan in case that changes?" he asked, "she hasn't said much to me, but from what she has said, I think that calling 911 or taking her to hospital would make things worse, so I don't think we should do that unless we absolutely have no other choice."

"I agree" Hiram nodded, "I don't… " he sighed again, "I don't know" he said honestly.

"Rachel's worried" Leroy told him. "She's… she even went as far as to suggest that we ask Shelby to get waxes at a salon instead of shaving so she doesn't need a razor" he rolled his eyes. "I don't think we need to go that far, she needs to know that we trust her, that we believe her if she says she isn't going to harm herself."

"I agree" Hiram nodded, "as for a game plan…" he thought for a minute. "Maybe we just keep her with one of us if things get worse. One of us takes time off work, we either get her to take time off too or we take her and pick her up again, and we just… " he shrugged, "or if things are really bad, we lock her in our room with one of us? It's hard to know what we should do until we know what we're dealing with, and obviously we won't know that until it happens, which, fingers crossed, it won't."

"I hope it won't happen either" Leroy kissed the top of Hiram's head. "But I thought that, if it does, us having a rough idea of how we deal with it would help."

"I think, without being in that situation, the only thing we can decide is that if we think she's at risk, we don't let her leave our sight. And we do what we can to distract her and reassure her that the way she feels in that moment will pass."

"She's trying though" Leroy said, "so hopefully we won't ever have to find out what we'd do in that situation."

"I think the fact she sat here earlier and let herself cry was a big thing for her, for all of us, it shows she trusts us, that she feels safe enough to be vulnerable around us, and that's what she needs, as awful as it sounds, she needs to get everything out before we can start helping her build herself back up."

"I agree" Leroy nodded, "and the fact she takes her meds without being prompted, and she has another appointment with your therapist on Tuesday says a lot too, she wants to get better but I think that sometimes, all Shelby sees is the long road ahead of her and she loses sight of what's at the end of that road."

"That's why we're here" Hiram reached up and gently cupped Leroy's jaw, "to remind her that the journey might be long, but she's not alone, and we'll make sure she gets there, no matter how many setbacks and obstacles we come across. Everything you were for me, we will be for Shelby."

Leroy was still feeling a little jetlagged from his trip so they didn't spend much longer downstairs before heading up to bed themselves so he could get some sleep, Hiram popping his head around the guest room door to say goodnight to Shelby as Leroy did the same to Rachel, both mother and daughter in almost identical positions in their own beds, both curled up with a book, the two more alike than they ever realised.

They spoke for a while before they settled down to sleep, Leroy checking in with his husband, making sure that Shelby's struggles weren't affecting Hiram, feeling slightly relieved to hear his husband say he was fine, that whilst his heart was breaking for the woman he thought of almost as a younger sister, he didn't feel like he was slipping back in to his own depression, but he promised to tell Leroy if that changed, something Leroy trusted him to do.

"I'll go and speak to her" Hiram said softly, it was a little after midnight and they'd lost count of the times they'd heard footsteps in the hallway, indicating that Shelby couldn't settle. She wasn't being loud, in fact both men were certain that, any other time, they'd have slept through it, but they felt like they were hyper-alert, listening for anything different than usual, and both men were more concerned about the fact that Shelby was obviously struggling to fall asleep than they were about their own sleep. Hiram thaned Leroy when he flicked on the small side light by the bed, allowing him to make his way to the door without incident. He smiled softly when he saw Shelby leaving the bathroom, "Shel" he said quietly, not wanting her to think he was angry with her.

Shelby jumped, "sorry, I… I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay" Hiram reached for Shelby's hand, "are you okay?"

Shelby ran her hand through her hair and sighed, "I… I feel sick, just thinking about going to work tomorrow. I…" she walked into the bathroom, gesturing for Hiram to follow her, "they gave me this" she whispered, holding out a box, "to take if I need it and I, I don't know if…"

"You don't know whether to take it?" Hiram asked, glancing at the box, 'valium 5mg'. Shelby nodded, "have you ever taken this before?" Shelby shook her head. "In that case, if you can avoid taking it then that's probably for the best, especially if you're planning on going to work in the morning and you don't know how it's going to affect you."

"I can't… I…" Shelby sat on the edge of the bath and let her head fall into her hands, "I feel like there's a panic attack right here" she held her hand right in front of her face, "and it won't go away, but it won't just happen either. It won't just happen so I can get over it." Shelby had spent so long beneath her mask, hiding behind walls that had taken her years to build, but now the mask had fallen and her walls had crumbled to dust. She'd stopped hiding, stopped pretending that everything was okay and now she wasn't sure she'd ever get that back, was sure that anyone who looked at her would know just how broken she was, everyone who glanced in her direction would see that her life had fallen to pieces around her and the thought of her colleagues, her students seeing her as anything but strong and composed absolutely terrified her.

"Can we try something?" Hiram suggested, "something that helped me. And if it doesn't work then maybe try just half a pill."

Shelby nodded, right now she'd try anything. "Okay."

Hiram led Shelby back to the guest room and flicked on a small lamp, "can I use your phone?" he asked, reaching for the remote and turning on the TV. Shelby nodded and unlocked her phone before handing it to Hiram. "Make yourself comfortable" he told her, opening the YouTube app and finding what he wanted and streaming it to the smart TV.

"What…"

"It's a guided meditation designed to help you fall asleep" Hiram laid down beside Shelby, "I found it helped to keep my mind focused on something other than the thoughts racing through my head as I tried to fall asleep" he explained.

Shelby nodded, shuffling slightly to make herself comfortable as the soothing voice on the TV explained what was going to happen, closing her eyes, desperate to try anything to help her body rest without having to resort to medication.

Hiram settled down beside Shelby, planning on staying with her until she fell asleep. Through the light of the TV he was able to watch her, noticing how she seemed to struggle to get her breathing in sync with the instructions on the video, each breath seeming to catch slightly as she tried to inhale and he found himself wondering just how much tension and anxiety Shelby carried around with her every day.

It didn't take long, less than half an hour into the video, Hiram heard Shelby's breathing even out, her head lolling to the side, mouth open slightly as she finally slept peacefully. Hiram smiled to himself, lining up more videos to play after this one finished in the hope that the calming voice would help keep Shelby settled through the night. He stayed with her for a while, wanting to be sure she wouldn't wake when he moved, before standing from the bed and pulling the covers up over Shelby, "sleep well" he whispered before slipping from the room and going back to his husband.

Leroy was dozing but stirred when he heard Hiram come back into the room. "Is she okay?" he asked with a yawn.

"Feeling anxious about going back to work" Hiram said as he got back into bed, "but I put one of those guided meditation videos on for her and she fell asleep."

"Good" Leroy yawned, "fingers crossed she stays that way."

"I hope so" Hiram kissed Leroy's cheek, "sleep now, we can talk tomorrow" he promised.

Shelby woke before her alarm on Monday morning, but only by fifteen minutes, and she stayed in bed, listening to the meditation video that was still playing, trying to clear her mind. She was still dreading going back to work but if she could at least start the morning with a clear head then that was something.

She pulled herself from the bed five minutes before her alarm was due to go off, she was up a little earlier than usual but she knew it would take her longer to get to work from the Berry house and she didn't want to worsen her anxiety by worrying about being late.

Once she was dressed she expertly applied her make up, adding a little colour to her face, carefully highlighting and contouring until she was happy with the mask, until she felt like she looked more like Ms Corcoran than a woman who was falling apart.

She pulled her hair back into a neat bun, unable to find the energy to either straighten or curl it, and then she made her way downstairs. It was still early, so Shelby wasn't surprised that nobody else was up yet. She made herself a coffee before sighing, she wasn't hungry but she knew she should at least try and eat something so she made herself a bowl of apple and cinnamon oatmeal and took it outside with her coffee and cigarettes.

Shelby shivered slightly in the breeze as she sat at the patio table but she didn't mind, in fact she quite liked it, enjoyed being able to feel something normal for once. She stirred the oatmeal absentmindedly as she got lost in her thoughts, '_just make it through today_' she told herself, '_that's all you have to do_'. Once it had cooled slightly Shelby took a spoonful of the oatmeal, frowning it felt like she had a mouthful of glue and her stomach was in knots. She wanted to eat, knew she needed to eat but she felt like she physically couldn't, felt like no matter how many times she swallowed, the amount of oatmeal in her mouth only seemed to increase.

She eventually managed just three spoonfuls of the cereal with her coffee before she lit up a cigarette, closing her eyes and trying to mentally prepare herself for the day ahead.

Leroy was the next to wake, he hadn't heard Rachel get up, so when he saw the kitchen light was on he assumed Shelby was up, a quick glance out of the kitchen window told him he was right, the woman sat out on the patio, a place where she seemed to spend a lot of time.

He didn't go out, wanted to give her some space, so he set to making both breakfast and lunch for his family. "Morning" he smiled when Shelby slipped through the back door.

"Morning." Shelby avoided eye contact as she scraped her oatmeal into the bin and put her bowl and mug into the dishwasher before picking up her antidepressants.

"Did you manage to eat any of that?"

Shelby shrugged, "not really, I feel sick" she admitted.

Leroy smiled sadly as Shelby got a glass of water and swallowed the pill. "Do you want me to make you a smoothie or something?" he offered.

"No thanks" Shelby shook her head, "I don't think I'd be able to manage it."

"Okay, well this is yours" Leroy held out a large rubbermaid tub, clear with a red lid. Shelby froze, her heart stopping and bile rising in her throat, it couldn't be, she hadn't… "I was making lunch for everyone else and I thought…" Leroy saw the look on Shelby's face, wrongly assuming it was the lunch that had caused her panic, "it's not…" he opened the lid, showing Shelby the food inside, "I know it looks a lot, but other than the sandwich, it's all little bits for you to pick at, I just didn't know what you'd want so I packed a variety."

Shelby's gaze was drawn to the box as Leroy opened it, and it was only then that she remembered to breathe, it was just lunch. It was just food, 'her' box may be identical, but it wasn't this, her box was still safely in her apartment. She'd known that of course she had. She wasn't an idiot, she'd hadn't even considered bringing it with her, but she'd still panicked when she'd seen the container in Leroy's hand. "Thanks" she finally managed to whisper.

"Morning" Rachel smiled as she came into the kitchen, just ten minutes after Hiram had joined them too, "have you eaten?" she asked, getting herself a bowl of cereal whilst Shelby nursed her second coffee of the morning.

"I made some oatmeal when I got up" Shelby told her daughter, it wasn't a lie, she had made oatmeal, she just hadn't eaten it.

"Okay" Rachel smiled, "do you want anything else?"

Shelby shook her head as she finished her coffee, "I should be getting off actually." She stood, thanking Leroy when he handed her both her lunch and a travel mug filled with another strong, black coffee.

"You erm, you're coming back aren't you?" Rachel asked nervously as she walked over to Shelby.

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, placing a hand on Rachel's shoulder and squeezing gently, "I erm, I've got VA rehearsal tonight" she mentally tried to work out how long it would take her to get home after rehearsal, "I'll probably be back by six of the traffic isn't too bad."

"Okay" Rachel nodded.

"Do you… " Shelby paused for a ment, her hand still on Rachel's shoulder, absentmindedly stroking her thumb over Rachel's shirt, "I could let you know when I'm leaving Carmel if you want? So you know when to expect me?"

Rachel lifted her head to look up at Shelby, "you'd do that?"

"Yeah, if you wanted to."

Rachel nodded. "Thank you."

"It's okay. I do need to go now though so I'm not late." Rachel hugged Shelby tightly, the woman not sure why she was still surprised, she'd lost count of the number of times her daughter had hugged her over the past few days. Shelby put down her coffee and her lunch so she could return the hug," have a good day Rachel" Shelby said softly.

"Yeah" Rachel stepped away for the hug to let her Mom go to work, "you too."


	13. Chapter 13

Shelby was both mentally and physically exhausted by the time she got home. There'd been a point earlier in the day where she'd even considered canceling vocal adrenaline's rehearsal, just so she could crawl into bed instead, but she quickly decided against it. No one had asked any questions about her absence, but she was absolutely certain that they would question her cancelling VA practice.

As she promised, she sent Rachel a text as she headed out to her car, telling her she was done at school and giving her a rough estimate of how long it would take her to get home and, although simple, Rachel's reply of, '_Okay, see you soon :) R*_' was enough to put a smile on Shelby's face and make her briefly forget just how tired she felt.

Rachel greeted Shelby at the door with a bright smile and a "how was your day?" when she arrived home.

Shelby thanked Rachel as she was helped from her jacket before telling her, "long. I, I missed you". It was true, despite how awkward things felt between them a lot of the time, Shelby had missed Rachel when she'd been at work.

Rachel gave Shelby a brief hug, "I missed you too. Daddy's cooking dinner, do you want to come and sit with us in the kitchen?"

Shelby couldn't stop herself, her hand reaching out to cup Rachel's cheek gently, "I'd love to" she nodded, "but I'm going to go have a quick shower and get changed first if that's okay?"

Rachel nodded and hugged Shelby again, "okay. I'll see you when you're ready then" she smiled, happy to have her Mom home, before bounding back into the kitchen.

It was almost half an hour later when Shelby made her way back downstairs, damp curls pulled into a messy bun on top of her head, dressed in grey yoga pants and a white tank top, no longer feeling like she had to hide the healing wound on her arm from anyone in the house.

"Can I get you anything?" Hiram asked as Shelby sat beside Rachel at the kitchen table, Rachel working on some homework, "tea, coffee, juice, water?"

"Tea would be nice" she nodded, "thank you."

Hiram took Shelby's herbal tea from the cupboard as he flicked the kettle on to boil, "I'm making pasta for dinner, with roast veggies, Rachel's having tofu with hers but I'm doing chicken for Leroy and I, there's plenty if you want to join us."

Shelby thought for a moment before nodding, "that sounds good, thank you."

Hiram smiled and gently squeezed Shelby's hand as he put the tea down in front of her, "you don't need to keep thanking me" he told her before making his way back to the stove.

Shelby quickly got lost in her thoughts, despite getting off to a bad start with the oatmeal she'd eaten a protein bar during her free second period and she'd even eaten a few bites of the sandwich Leroy had made her at lunch. She'd probably have eaten more but she'd been interrupted by a student who'd exclaimed, "oh, you're eating" when she'd stepped into Shelby's office. The rational side of Shelby's brain knew the girl meant nothing by her comment, that she'd probably felt bad about interrupting her teacher's lunch, but it had been enough to see the rest of the sandwich finding a home in the bin. She had however forced herself to eat a small handful of grapes before VA practice and, whilst she knew that, in the grand scheme of things, she hadn't eaten a lot, she'd eaten something, and right now, Shelby was happy to consider that a victory.

Rachel saw Shelby get lost in her thoughts and waited until she seemed to be back with them before nervously asking, "are you busy on Thursday, after school?"

Shelby shook her head, "no, I don't think I am. Is there something you want to do?"

Rachel bit her lip slightly grateful that Hiram had gone to call Leroy to see when he'd home as she told Shelby, "we're doing original songs in Glee and I, I'd like you to hear mine" she told her quietly, "we'll be in the auditorium so you can just sit at the back and listen, you don't have to…"

"Rachel" Shelby reached out to take her hand, "I'd be honoured to come and listen."

"Great" Rachel beamed, "I'll ask Mr Schue if I can go towards the end to give you time to get over from Carmel, and then you can give me a ride home too."

Shelby chuckled slightly, "I'm sure I can manage that" she nodded.

Tuesday started the same way Monday had. With the help of the guided meditation videos Shelby had managed to get a few decent hours of sleep and she made her way downstairs, today deciding on a small bowl of fruit and yoghurt for her breakfast, taking it out onto the patio with a coffee and her cigarettes enjoying the silence and the calm that she only found at this time in a morning.

Once again Leroy was in the kitchen when she made her way back inside, and he greeted her with a cheery "good morning" before holding out his hand for her mug to pour her a second coffee.

"Morning" Shelby passed over her mug before putting her bowl in the dishwasher and pouring herself a glass of water to take her antidepressant. She wasn't sure why she'd left the box on top of the microwave but it seemed to be in a good place to remind her to take it each morning so she didn't plan on moving it.

Shelby missed Leroy's smile as she swallowed the pill, he'd noticed that she hadn't emptied her bowl into the bin today, and, although he knew this didn't mean that Shelby was 'fixed', he felt like it was a tiny step in the right direction. "I'm making lunch for Hiram and Rachel" Leroy said as he passed Shelby's coffee over, "do you want me to make you something too?"

"I erm…" Shelby didn't want Leroy to go to any trouble for her, but at the same time, she knew if she was left to her own devices she wouldn't take anything, she'd tell herself she'd get something from the cafeteria, but then, come lunch time, she knew she wouldn't bother. "If you don't mind" she nodded.

"Not at all" he smiled taking another plastic tub from the cupboard, "is there anything in particular you want or do you just want a selection like yesterday?"

"A selection would be good" Shelby took a sip of her coffee, "if that's okay."

"It's absolutely fine" Leroy smiled, "now, do you want a sandwich or leftovers from last night?" He wanted Shelby to eat but at the same time he wanted her to have some say in what she was eating.

"A sandwich please" Shelby said softly, "I'm not a fan of cold pasta and I don't know if I'll have time to go warm it up" she lied. She didn't have any plans for her lunch break other than getting through some marking, but she really didn't like cold pasta and the microwave was in the staff lounge, using it would mean she'd probably have to interact with other members of staff, and she wasn't sure she had the energy for that. A sandwich was something that, if she did eat, could be eaten in the solitude of her office, without anyone else around to watch her eat, or not as the case may be.

"One sandwich coming up" Leroy began taking things from the fridge, "Hiram made the pasta so he can take that for his lunch" Leroy chuckled.

Hiram came down a few minutes later, kissing Shelby's cheek and thanking Leroy as he was handed a mug of coffee, "Rachel's just drying her hair" he told Shelby, "she asked if you'd wait until she came down before leaving for work."

Shelby glanced at her watch before nodding, "I've got time."

"I'm glad you haven't left yet." Rachel said when she finally came downstairs, Shelby not at all surprised to find her daughter's arms wrapped around her middle, "I wanted to see you before you left."

Shelby gently returned the hug, "I have my therapy appointment tonight" she reminded the girl, "it's at four, so I should be back by five thirty, six."

Rachel looked up at Shelby, "could you text me again?" she asked, "when you're coming home."

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "I will."

"Okay" Rachel hugged Shelby a little tighter for a moment before letting go, "have a good day".

Shelby smiled as she picked up her lunch and her travel mug, "you too."

Hiram followed Shelby out onto the front porch, wanting to talk to her out of earshot of Rachel, "if you need anything" he told her, "you can call me and Leroy at any time." He knew how hard therapy could be, especially the first few sessions and he didn't want Shelby to feel like she had to do it alone, "if you need one of us to pick you up or if you just want us to keep Rachel out of the way for a while when you get home, whatever you need, we're here."

Shelby's eyes were red, her cheeks still wet with tears when she let herself into the house that evening, Rachel said nothing when she saw her Mom, but she wrapped her arms around Shelby and hugged her tightly, Shelby too saying nothing but returning the hug before heading upstairs, Rachel assuming that, like the previous week, Shelby needed time after her appointment. She needed space to process and decompress and Hiram, Leroy and Rachel would make sure she got it.

"Why is she crying?" Rachel asked Hiram as she curled into him on the couch, "I thought the therapy was meant to make her better."

Hiram pulled Rachel close and kissed her hair, "I can't speak for Shelby obviously, but sometimes crying is a way of letting things go. Therapy, sometimes it makes you face up to feelings and memories that your brain has done it's best to bury, it makes you think about things you might not want to think about but that's okay, because sometimes talking about those things makes them easier to think about, and if it doesn't, then the therapist should be able to help you find ways to process and deal with those thoughts and feelings to make them less painful."

"But she'll be okay?"

"I hope so" Hiram nodded, "I can't make any promises and it's still very early days, but she's going to her appointments and the fact she's been crying suggests that she's engaging with the therapist, right now I think I'd be more worried if she came home appointment and acted like she was absolutely fine."

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "I, I suppose you're right, the fact she's agreed to see someone, and that she's participating in her sessions is a good thing."

"As much as we all wish we could 'fix' Shelby overnight, it's going to take a while, but that's okay. There are a lot of things she'll have to deal with before she can pick herself up again, and there's probably going to be days where it seems like she's doing great and days where it feels like she's taken a huge leap backwards, and that's okay, whatever happens, your Dad and I, we'll be here for the both of you okay. It's okay for you to struggle with this too."

"I know" Rachel nodded, "and I have my own therapy appointment on Monday. It's hard seeing Shelby like this, but I'm okay Daddy, I promise."

"I know Princess" he kissed her hair again, "and I trust that you'd tell someone if you weren't."

Shelby was a little subdued when she made her way downstairs a while later. She wanted nothing more than to spend the evening curled in her bed, but she knew that would just make Rachel, and probably her fathers too, worry about her. She curled up in the armchair like she had so many times since she'd moved into the Berry's house, wrapping the blanket on the back of the chair around her body, almost like a shield, almost like the soft fabric could protect her from everything around her.

She turned down Leroy's offer of dinner but accepted Hiram's offer of tea, not particularly surprised when a banana and a protein bar were placed down beside the mug. She was struggling. She knew that. Her therapist had wanted to talk about her suicide attempts, causing Shelby to think about feelings and emotions that she hadn't felt in years, feelings and emotions that she wasn't sure she'd be able to get back into the boxes she'd kept them in for so long. It was one of the reasons why she'd forced herself to come downstairs despite wanting to stay in her room on her own, there were so many thoughts, so many emotions and feelings racing around her mind that she felt like she was sinking and she didn't trust herself to be alone. She didn't know what would happen if she was left to her own devices so she'd forced herself downstairs, forced herself to sit with Hiram, Leroy and Rachel, to stop herself doing anything stupid.

Hiram could tell that Shelby was barely holding herself together, he saw how she'd let her tea go cold, how she hadn't touched the protein bar or the banana. He saw her nervously biting at the skin around her fingernails, eyes darting around the room as she desperately tried not to fall apart, not sure what she'd do if she did, but certain it was something she'd end up regretting.

Shelby didn't even notice as Hiram helped her to her feet and she blindly followed him into the kitchen, only managing to focus on her surroundings as she was gently lowered into a chair at the kitchen table, "what…"

She watched as Hiram dropped something into a bowl and covered the bowl with a dish towel before walking over to the table and sitting beside Shelby. "I'm going to ask you something" he said, setting the bowl down between them, "and I'd like you to be honest, I'm not asking so I can judge you or think ill of you, I'm asking so I can help." Shelby nodded silently, her gaze focused on the covered bowl. "I know you promised Rachel you wouldn't hurt yourself any more, but if you hadn't made that promise, if you had the opportunity right now, would you take it?" Shelby's eyes filled with tears, hating herself as she gave a single nod. "Okay, do you trust me?" Shelby nodded again, apparently words were beyond her right now. "Give me your hand" Hiram said gently.

Shelby held out a shaking hand towards Hiram and he gently turned it over so her palm was facing upwards, keeping his right hand under hers as his left reached into the bowl, keeping the item out of her sight as he placed it on her palm and quickly curled her hand into a fist, holding it closed as tightly as he could.

Shelby gasped in shock at the bite of pain she felt, and it took her brain a moment to identify the item Hiram had forced her to hold. Ice. She was clutching an ice cube, the few seconds Hiram had taken to speak to Shelby had allowed the ice to melt enough so it wouldn't burn Shelby's skin, but ensured it was still cold enough to produce the reaction he'd got from the woman.

"Did it help?" he asked a few minutes later, opening Shelby's hand and tipping what was left of the ice back into the bowl before gently rubbing at her palm with the towel to both dry it up and warm it thought for a moment, clenching her hand into a fist, fingertips pressing against her palm, "yeah" she whispered as she flexed her fingers, "I think it did" she'd certainly found the initial sting of the ice against her skin grounding, especially as she hadn't been expecting it, "thank you."

"It's okay" Hiram smiled, "some people don't agree with techniques like this, but I think right now anything… " he paused, "any coping method that works is a good one, so long as it's not more destructive than the ones you already have."

"I haven't, not since…" she gestured to her arm, "but it's like the thought that I could, that I should, is always in the back of my mind."

"You're doing so well by fighting it Shelby, I know you don't think too highly of yourself at times, but I know it must take incredible strength to do that."

"I don't feel strong" Shelby whispered.

"You wake up every morning. You wake up, you get up, you go to work. Every single day you get up and you fight, you go to bed every night knowing what the next day holds but you keep getting up and you keep getting through every day. If that's not strength Shelby, then I don't know what is."

"I just wish it would stop" she whispered. "I just..." she sighed, "I don't know."

Hiram gently squeezed Shelby's hand, "just keep doing your best. One day at a time Shel, that's all you need to do. Hopefully the meds will start working soon and you'll start to feel better."

"She's upped my dose" Shelby admitted.

"But you were expecting that right? You knew that was going to happen?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "I did, but it's..." she shrugged, not really knowing how she felt about it.

"Even though you knew it would happen, and you know you weren't taking the 'proper' dose beforehand, upping that dose still makes you feel like things are worse somehow, like needing a higher dose of your meds means your body, your mind is even more fucked than you first thought?"

Shelby nodded, Hiram had verbalised her thoughts almost perfectly, "pretty much."

"Everyone's different Shel. And it's not necessarily a case of how 'bad' your mental health is, different bodies process drugs differently, like alcohol, what has one person feeling a little buzzed can have another person under the table. Someone may be fine on a low dose of meds, someone else may need a higher dose to feel the same benefit. And it might even be the case that this isn't the drug for you. I sincerely hope it is, but sometimes it takes a few attempts to find something that works."

"I know" Shelby nodded, "and I'm trying to be patient but everything just feels so exhausting. I don't… It's only Tuesday and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the week."

"Did you sleep last night?"

Shelby nodded, "I put one of those videos on about eleven and I, I don't recall being awake for very long and I don't remember waking."

"That's good. But if you haven't been sleeping. Your body is probably trying to catch up. Why don't I make you another cup of tea and maybe some toast?" he suggested, "then you could go upstairs, soak in the bath for a while and then try and get an early night."

Shelby nodded, it had been a long time since she'd tried to relax in the bath, but right now, she had to admit that the thought of soaking her weary muscles in the warm water did sound appealing. "That… I think I'd like that."

"Okay" Hiram smiled, standing from the table and picking up Shelby's cigarettes and lighter, "do you want to take five minutes while I make your tea and toast?"

Shelby nodded and took them from Hiram, "thank you".

Hiram pulled Shelby into a brief hug, "you don't need to thank me" he told her, slipping off his jacket and draping it around Shelby's shoulders before sending her out into the garden.

She sat in the kitchen as she ate the single slice of toast that Hiram made for her, deciding to take her tea upstairs for her, "I'm going to have a bath and go to bed" she told Rachel before heading upstairs, accepting the hug her daughter gave her, "I'm going to shut the door but I won't lock it" she said quietly, knowing Rachel worried about her and hoping that would put her mind at rest.

Rachel hugged Shelby a little tighter, "thank you."

"We erm… I'm really tired" Shelby told her, "but tomorrow, I don't have anything on after school so we could do something if you want?"

Rachel nodded, "I'd like that" she smiled, "thank you."

Shelby chanced a kiss to Rachel's forehead, completely unaware how much the simple action meant to the teen, "goodnight Rachel" Shelby pulled away to go upstairs.

"Goodnight" Rachel smiled, watching as Shelby made her way upstairs with her tea, the teen looking forward to spending some time with her Mom.


	14. Chapter 14

Shelby was surprised by how easily she seemed to have fallen into a routine at the Berry house, and if she was honest, her favourite part of the morning was the hug she got from Rachel before she left.

Wednesday morning saw Shelby promising Rachel she'd be home by four, and asking the girl if she wanted to spend some time together that evening. She got a firm, "of course I do" in response, and told Rachel that she could decide how they spent their time together.

As had also become routine, Shelby pulled her phone from her purse as she crossed the parking lot at the end of the day, sending a text to Rachel to let her know she was leaving work and that depending on the traffic she'd be home in 30-45 minutes.

It was 3.42 when she pushed open the front door, finding Rachel in the kitchen finishing the last of her homework, "hey" Shelby said quietly, slightly nervous about spending time with Rachel, as much as she wanted to bond with the girl, she was terrified of doing something that would shatter their already fragile relationship.

"Hi" Rachel smiled, "I'm almost done here, sorry, I thought I'd be done before you got back."

"Its okay" Shelby gently squeezed Rachel's shoulder, "I'm going to get a drink" she told her, "do you want anything?"

"I'd love some juice please" Rachel nodded, "tropical if we have it."

Shelby nodded and poured put two glasses of juice, taking them over to sit beside Rachel at the kitchen table, watching as she finished off the last two math problems she had.

"Did you erm, did you decide what you want to do?" Shelby asked as she sipped at her juice.

Rachel nodded, she'd thought about it a lot. "You said you wanted to get back into yoga?" Shelby nodded, "I found some beginner videos on YouTube that looked like I could follow along without too many problems so I thought we could maybe go downstairs where there's a bit more space and do one of those, if that's okay with you?"

Shelby nodded, "that sounds good to me." It really did, yoga was something she was comfortable with, and it was an activity that they could do together but without having to worry about making conversation or filling awkward silences, "I'll go and get changed" she said, noticing that Rachel had already changed into leggings and a tank top.

"Okay, I'll just put this away and then I'll be ready when you are, there's no rush."

Shelby changed into yoga pants and a tshirt and pulled her hair back into a messy bun before going back to Rachel, "I'm ready" she said, finding her daughter sat on the couch.

"Okay" Rachel almost bounced to her feet, "we can go down in the basement, there's more room down there and we won't be disturbed if my Dads come home before we're finished."

Shelby followed Rachel down into the basement, slightly surprised by the space she found herself in, unable to hold back a smile at the sight of the microphone standing on the small stage, "do you..."

"I used to put on performances for my Dads" Rachel chuckled, "but now it's good for rehearsals, the acoustics are really good down here." Shelby nodded and Rachel gestured to the video on her phone, "it's only a beginner one" she said as she streamed it to the large screen in front of them, pausing it until they were ready, "is that okay with you?"

"Fine" Shelby nodded, "it's been a while so I don't know if I'd be able to get into something more complex anyway."

The pair followed the video in silence, Rachel surprised by how easily she managed to keep up with the instructor, and she could see the appeal, enjoyed the stretch of her muscles as she found a quiet sense of calm surrounding her.

They laid together on the floor once the video had finished, Rachel planning on giving Shelby as much time as she needed before getting up. She heard Shelby take a deep breath and slowly slid her hand across the floor, letting her hand rest against Shelby's. She said nothing but couldn't help but smile when she felt Shelby's hand move slightly, just enough to link their pinkies together. Shelby took another deep breath with her eyes closed before letting her head slowly roll to the side to face Rachel, "thank you" she said softly.

"You know, if you wanted to come down here, on your own, and do some yoga or whatever, then nobody would mind, if it helps you then nobody would mind at all."

Shelby nodded, taking a few slow breaths and pushing herself to sit up before speaking, "I might do that" she nodded, briefly wondering if doing yoga in the evenings might help her sleep better at night. "I didn't realise how much I'd missed it until now. I erm, I'd like to do this again, with you though, if you want?"

Rachel smiled and sat up too, reaching out to take Shelby's hand, "I'd like that. Maybe, maybe if you're free this could be 'our' time every week?" she suggested, "My dads don't finish work until at least 5.30 on a Wednesday so we'd have the house to ourselves."

"Yeah" Shelby smiled, "I'd like that."

"I said I'd make dinner tonight. I was just thinking of doing soup. Would you like to help me?" Rachel offered as she stood, "you don't have to if you'd rather not though."

"No" Shelby smiled, accepting Rachel's hand to help her from the floor, "I'd like that."

"I was going to make vegan tomato soup, it's pretty much the same as regular tomato soup, just with a dairy free oat cream instead of regular cream."

Shelby smiled and nodded, "that sounds good."

Hiram and Leroy arrived home within ten minutes of each other, both men happy to see Shelby and Rachel making dinner together, Rachel excitedly telling her Dads how they'd done yoga together and they were going to do it again next week, Hiram gently squeezing Shelby's hand, silently thanking her for simply spending time with Rachel.

Shelby excused herself after everyone had finished eating, she'd managed to eat almost a full bowl of soup, but she'd declined bread when she'd been offered, "I've got some marking to do" she said truthfully, planning to do it in her room where she wouldn't be disturbed.

"You can use our office if you want" Hiram suggested, "Leroy and I won't be using it tonight."

"Are you sure?" Shelby asked, "I don't want to be any trouble."

"It's no trouble at all" Leroy smiled, "in fact, you'd be doing me a favour, if you're using the office too, someone" he glared at his husband, "might have an incentive to keep it tidy".

Hiram rolled his eyes, "hint taken" he looked to Shelby, "give me five minutes to tidy my stuff away and then it's all yours".

"Thank you" Shelby smiled, "I'll go grab my laptop and my papers."

"Do you think we could maybe watch a movie or something when you're done?" Rachel asked quietly before Shelby left the table.

Shelby smiled and nodded, gently squeezing Rachel's shoulder as she stood, "sure. I shouldn't be too long, maybe an hour, two at the most" she told her, knowing that would leave plenty of time for them to watch a movie together before they went to bed.

She set up her laptop on the desk once Hiram had left, opening Carmel's website and logging in to the staff portal, first marking off the students who hadn't handed in the assignment and the one student who'd asked for and been given, an extension, Shelby wasn't as harsh as people made out she was.

English assignments were sometimes difficult and tedious to mark due to the fact that sometimes they were based simply on the students' interpretation of the text they were writing about, but luckily this assignment was a comparison on two poems, both on the same subject, so the pieces of work that she had to mark weren't too long.

She was almost halfway through when there was a quiet knock on the door. "Really?" Shelby raised an eyebrow, pushing her reading glasses up onto her head as Hiram placed a mug of tea and an apple on the desk beside her laptop, she'd noticed that Leroy always made her coffee in the morning and Hiram always made her tea in the evening, her tea often coming with a snack.

"Too much of a cliche?" he asked.

Shelby rolled her eyes, "just a little."

"Want me to get you something else?"

"No" Shelby shook her head and smiled up at him, "the apple's fine, thank you."

"Okay" Hiram squeezed Shelby's shoulder, "and thank you, today has meant so much to Rachel, it's been a long time since she's been this happy, and I know it probably doesn't seem like much to you, but getting to spend time with you means the world to her" he said, squeezing Shelby's shoulder again before leaving her to finish her marking.

"I'm going to get a shower" Shelby told Rachel once she'd finished, "do you want to come up in about 20 minutes?" she asked, "and then we can watch a movie if you still want to."

"Sure" Rachel smiled happily, "I'll see you soon."

Shelby had been expecting awkward conversation as she and Rachel watched the movie, but, after a brief discussion about a couple of plot holes in the film, Rachel tucked herself into Shelby's side, her head on her Mom's shoulder as she settled down to watch the DVD they'd chosen together.

There was a quiet knock on Shelby's bedroom door a little after 11pm, and Hiram poked his head around the door when Shelby softly called for him to come in, "I just came to say goodnight" he couldn't help but smile when he saw that Rachel was asleep in Shelby's arms, "do you want me to wake her and put her in her own bed?"

Shelby smiled as she looked down at Rachel, "she erm, she can stay there, I don't mind."

"Okay" Hiram stepped into the room, "but at least let me lay her down for you so you can get comfortable."

"I'd appreciate that" Shelby nodded, she'd stopped the DVD when she'd realised Rachel was asleep and picked up her book to read for a while, and whilst she was fine with Rachel laying against her as she read, she had wondered how she was going to lay down when she wanted to try and sleep.

Hiram carefully lifted Rachel from Shelby's side to lay her down, "wha…" she stirred slightly at the movement.

"It's okay Princess, I just want to lay you down so you're more comfortable"

"Mom?" Rachel frowned, barely awake.

"I'm here" Shelby reached out to take Rachel's hand without a second thought, "your Daddy's just laying you down so we can both get some sleep."

"Kay" Rachel mumbled as she took the hint and shuffled under the duvet, making herself comfortable, "night".

"Goodnight" Shelby smiled as Hiram bent to kiss Rachel's cheek.

"Goodnight Princess" he smiled as he tucked the covers around her before looking up at Shelby, "she really loves you you know."

"I know" Shelby nodded, "I love her too."

"Get some rest" Hiram said softly, "you know where we are if you need anything."

"Thank you, goodnight."

Hiram flicked off the light by the door when he saw Shelby had turned on the lamp by the bed, "goodnight Shelby."

Shelby didn't know what it was about Rachel, but there was something about the girl's presence that she found infinitely calming. Rachel wasn't even curled into her any more, but Shelby was still grounded by her presence, and found herself drifting off to sleep within minutes of turning out the light.

She didn't wake until her alarm sounded and she was quick to reach out and silence it, not wanting to wake Rachel. The teen had moved closer to Shelby in the night, had an arm draped across her Mom's stomach, but Shelby knew she'd be able to get up without waking her. She wasn't going to get up though, not yet. For now she was going to take a few minutes to lay with her daughter before starting her day.

10 minutes after her alarm and Shelby forced herself out of bed, knowing she'd be late if she laid there any longer. She slipped a pillow under Rachel's arm to keep her comfortable and gathered up everything she needed, deciding to get ready in the bathroom so she didn't wake her daughter.

As had become routine, she ate her breakfast on the patio with her first mug of coffee and a cigarette once she was ready, before making her way inside, making casual conversation with Leroy as she had a second coffee and he made lunch for everyone.

"You're coming to glee today right?" Rachel asked as she hugged Shelby before she left.

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "I'll come straight over when I've done, I'll probably just sneak in the back when I get there and then wait in the car once I've seen your song, is that okay?"

"Yeah" Rachel nodded, "thanks."

"It's okay" Shelby smiled as Rachel broke the hug, letting Shelby pick up her lunch and her travel mug, "I'll see you later."

She sent Rachel a text when she was leaving Carmel but didn't get a response, she hadn't expected one though, she knew Rachel would be in glee practice and wouldn't be looking at her phone.

It took her about 25 minutes to drive over to McKinley and she quickly made her way into the auditorium, slipping in without being seen and taking a seat in the back row, hoping she hadn't missed Rachel's performance.

She hadn't though, she sat through two other performances before Rachel stepped out into the spotlight, a boy with a mohawk following her onto the stage, sitting on a stool in the edge of the light with his guitar, beginning to play a soft melody before Rachel began to sing '_Sometimes it's hard to speak what's on your mind, to leave your past behind, to hope that you can find a way through circumstances you could not control, a sadness deep into your soul that you cannot disregard. Sometimes it's hard_.'

Shelby felt her breath catch in her throat, she knew she'd been open with Rachel, but hearing this song she'd written, it almost felt like she could see straight through to Shelby's soul. Shelby had heard Rachel sing before, knew her daughter had inherited her voice, that she could belt out notes like nobody's business, but not this time. This time she was subdued, her voice adding to the pain of the lyrics, '_Sometimes it's hard to get through your working day and find the words to say 'everything's okay' when you know differently inside, you feel you're gonna break. Your life is full of the same mistakes and it seems to fall apart, sometimes it's hard_.'

She couldn't stop it, tears rolled silently down Shelby's cheeks. She'd been worried that she was too much, that Rachel wouldn't understand, but the song showed Shelby that she was wrong, Rachel understood what she was going through, she understood what was going on in Shelby's head, she realised just how much of a struggle it was to get through every day.

'_There is no easy answer, there is no miracle cure, clouds, they tend to cast a shadow over what is pure. Rest assured this will not last, rain that falls it has to pass and the sun, it will shine again, the sun it will shine again_.' Rachel didn't know if Shelby had made it in time to hear her song. She was nervous about her mom hearing it, but at the same time she wanted her to listen, she wanted her mom to know she understood, that Rachel knew that she was struggling, but that things would get better, that as much as Shelby might be struggling now, there'd be days in the future that wouldn't feel quite so hard.

Tears continued to roll down Shelby's cheeks as she sat in the shadows in the back row of the auditorium, she'd contemplated letting Rachel know she was there, but eventually decided against it, not wanting Rachel to feel any pressure from her presence. '_Rain oh rain please go away, come again another day, maybe we'll be a little stronger then. Sometimes it's hard to be who you know you are, to find a place to start over and stay calm and find the silver lining_.' Shelby's heart stopped as, even though she knew it was virtually impossible, knew the stage lights meant Rachel would be able to see very little, if anything of the seating, it seemed as if Rachel looked her straight in the eye as she finished the song,'_I know you're going to come through, there is strength inside of you, and yours is a beautiful heart. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's hard_.'

"Rachel" it was Will's voice after the final chords of guitar that broke Shelby from her thoughts, "that was great, it sounded like it came straight from your heart."

Rachel nodded, looking out into the seemingly empty seating as she told him, "it was. I had someone close to me in mind when I wrote it" not giving Will chance to ask any more questions as she and Noah left the stage.

Shelby stayed where she was, wiping away the tears she'd been unable to hold back. Rachel was definitely wise beyond her years and Shelby knew she was lucky to have Rachel in her life. She waited until Will had gathered the glee club together to talk about their songs before slipping quietly from the auditorium, the last thing she wanted was for New Directions to think she'd been spying on them.

She was leant against her car smoking a cigarette when she saw Will come out of the building less than fifteen minutes later, "Shelby" he frowned, "what are you doing here."

"I'm waiting for Rachel" she said as she stubbed out her cigarette, taking gum and hand sanitiser from her bag, putting a piece of gum in her mouth before rubbing the sweet scented gel on her hands.

"Oh" he frowned slightly, "do her fathers know that you're…"

Shelby rolled her eyes, "Hiram and Leroy are aware, yes."

"Right, it's just I was hoping that one of her dad's would be here, I was hoping to have a word with them but I'll just call them later."

Shelby frowned, "what is it?"

"We did original songs this week, Rachel's song… well her song worried me a little and I wanted to speak to them about it, make sure everything's okay."

"Rachel's fine…"

She didn't get time to finish her sentence before Will cut her off, "the song Rachel wrote…"

"It was about me" Shelby sighed, "it's why I'm here, she asked me if I'd come in and listen to it."

"It was… No, Shelby, it…" he shook his head, "I think I'd be better talking to her parents about it."

Shelby's heart fell, of course he did, he wanted to speak to Rachel's real parents, not her, "In that case, I believe Hiram's working 'til later but Leroy is home so he might be your best bet."

Will frowned, confused as to why Shelby knew that, "right thank you…" he gestured over to the school, "I'll go and do that now."

Luckily Rachel came out just a few minutes after Will had gone back inside, stopping Shelby from lighting up a second cigarette, "hey" she beamed.

Shelby smiled, "hey."

"Did you hear my song?" she asked as she jumped into the passenger side of Shelby's SUV and fastened her seatbelt.

"I did" Shelby forced a smile, reaching over to gently squeeze Rachel's hand, "and I really appreciated it, thank you."

Luckily Rachel was happy to chat about her day, leaving Shelby alone with her thoughts on the short drive back to the Berry house.

"I think I'm going to go and lay down for a bit" Shelby told Rachel as she pulled up and put the car into park, "I feel like I'm getting a migraine" she lied.

"Oh" Rachel nodded, "okay, can I get you anything, a glass of water or some painkillers?"

Shelby shook her head as she got out of the car, "I think I just need to lay down in the dark and maybe sleep it off a little. Thank you though." The lie slipped easily from Shelby's tongue, knowing she wouldn't be disturbed if Rachel and her Dads thought she was sleeping.

"Okay" Rachel let them in to the house, "you know where we are if you need anything."

"Well if you've spoken to Shelby then I'm not entirely sure why you felt the need to call me. If Shelby told you everything was okay then I have no reason to doubt her and neither should you." Leroy's words barely registered with Shelby as she headed upstairs, desperate to make it to the sanctuary of the guest room before she fell apart.

She crawled onto the bed, burying her face in the pillows to muffle her sobs but the tears she was expecting didn't come, she just felt empty, numb. She felt like she'd been doing okay, like things had been improving, even if only slightly, she hadn't self harmed since she'd moved in with Rachel and her Dads, hadn't touched a drop of alcohol, she'd been to see a therapist and she'd been taking her meds, she'd even had a couple of nights where she'd actually slept. But now she couldn't help but wonder if it was all just an act, Rachel was just pretending to want her around, Hiram and Leroy were putting up with her because they thought Rachel wanted her there and Shelby, well maybe she was just pretending to be doing better than she had been, she'd been walking a tightrope and so far she'd been lucky enough not to fall off. Will was right, Hiram and Leroy were Rachel's parents, she was just a stranger who'd forced her way into their family.

A single tear rolled down her cheek as she stood from the bed, her mind made up. She pulled her suitcase from the top of the wardrobe, laying it on the bed as she began packing up her things. The tears finally came when Shelby reached for the photo frame on top of her drawers, a picture of her and Rachel that Leroy had taken at the weekend, presenting it to her on Monday evening with nothing but a smile, and as she slumped to the floor, clutching the photo frame to her chest, Shelby knew that no matter what, she'd never forget these past few days. She'd never forget what it had been like to be Rachel's Mom.

* * *

Rachel's 'original' song is 'Sometimes it's hard' by Jamie Lawson


	15. Chapter 15

I have to admit that I'm a little nervous about posting this chapter. After the last chapter I had two ideas in mind of where to take it, and, believe it or not, I think I went with the least angsty option and I hope it's okay.

* * *

"Good day?" Leroy asked his daughter once he'd finished on the phone before frowning slightly, "where's Shelby? I thought she was bringing you home."

"Great day thanks" Rachel poured herself a glass of juice, "Shelby did bring me home but she said she's got a migraine and she wanted to lie down for a while."

Leroy nodded, "okay" he made a mental note to check in on her later to see if she needed anything, "your Daddy's going to be a little late home tonight so we probably won't be eating until around 7."

"Okay" Rachel nodded as she grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl to tide her over, "I'm going to go and do my homework then" she kissed Leroy's cheek, "I know" she said when he opened his mouth to speak, "I'll be quiet, I won't disturb Shelby."

Rachel grabbed her bag from where she'd left it by the door and made her way upstairs, pausing at the top before turning quickly and racing back into the kitchen. "Where's the fire?" Leroy joked before seeing the look on Rachel's face, "Rach? What is it?"

"It's Mom. She's crying, really crying and I…"

Leroy nodded, squeezing Rachel's shoulder as he passed her, "I'll go and see her."

He too could hear Shelby's sobs from the top of the stairs, he had no idea what had happened, Shelby sound absolutely devastated, but what worried Leroy more was the way he could almost hear her gasping for breath between each sob. He knocked once but got no response, he didn't knock a second time, just pushed open the door, frowning at the half full suitcase on the bed as his eyes scanned the room, finding Shelby slumped against the drawers, something clutched to her chest as she desperately tried to catch her breath.

The anxiety had come from nowhere, literally knocking the wind from her, a weight on her chest stopping her from filling her lungs with air. Her whole body felt like it was buzzing, and as the edges of her vision began to blur, she knew this was it, she was going to die. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move. She knew if she shouted for help Rachel and Leroy would be there in an instant but she couldn't do it. Her body felt like it was made of concrete, her heart drumming against her ribs like it wanted to break free of her body, there was no way she was going anywhere.

She didn't hear Leroy knock at the door, didn't hear him enter the room, and was only vaguely aware of someone trying to take the picture from her grasp, and as much as she wanted to fight, to hold onto it, she just didn't have the energy.

Leroy placed the photo on the floor beside Shelby, recognising the panic attack instantly, Hiram had had them in the past, but nothing like this, now he was beside Shelby he could see her whole body shaking, was sure he could hear her teeth chattering from the force of the tremors, "you're okay" he told her, "you're having a panic attack, I know it's scary but you're going to be okay."

Shelby recognised someone was talking to her but she couldn't make out the words, it was like her head was underwater, she was drowning, she was sinking and she didn't think anyone would be able to save her. Not this time.

"I'm going to sit you up a little bit" Leroy told her, you might be able to breathe a little easier if you're sat upright" he explained before doing just that, moving her so she could sit back against the drawers instead of being slumped into a ball, "I know it's hard but you need to try and slow your breathing down" he told her, "in and out, in and out" he slowed down his own breaths, hoping Shelby would be able to mirror him.

He wasn't sure if he was getting through to Shelby, Hiram's panic attacks had never been this extreme, but Leroy remembered something that had helped and he cautiously reached for Shelby's hand, gently but firmly beginning to rub circles on her palm with his thumb as he chatted to her about the chores and the errands he'd got done on his day off, being sure to keep his breathing steady for her.

He didn't seem to be getting through to her, felt like she was too lost in her panic to hear his words, but then he had a thought, wondered if music would get through to her, so he did the only thing he could think of and began to sing quietly to her, "_It's like a storm that cuts a path, it breaks your will, it feels like that. You think you're lost, but your not lost on your own. You're not alone, I will stand by you, I will help you through. When you've done all you can do and you can't cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight. And I won't let go_."

He heard Shelby's breath hitch slightly, but it sounded different this time, like she was trying to control her breathing instead of fighting to fill her lungs and he spent a moment taking slow, deep breaths before going back to his song, he wasn't sure if it was working or not but it certainly wasn't making things any worse so he decided to continue. "_It hurts my heart to see you cry, I know it's dark, this part of life. Oh it finds us all and we're too small to stop the rain, oh but when it rains, I will stand by you, I will help you through, when you've done all you can do and you can't cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight and I won't let you fall._"

Leroy once again spent a while taking deep breaths and quietly encouraging Shelby to do the same, he'd thought for a moment that she'd been starting to calm down but it was like a second wave of panic had hit her and all she could do was cling tightly to Leroy's hand, her nails digging into his palm as she fought the demons in her mind.

"_Don't be afraid to fall, I'm right here to catch you, I won't let you down. It won't get you down, you're gonna make it, yeah I know you can make it, 'cause I will stand by you, I will help you through. When you've done all you can do and you can't cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight And I won't let go. Oh I'm gonna hold you, and I won't let go_." Leroy finished the song and gently squeezed the hand that was clinging to his, "you're going to be okay" he told Shelby, trying to hide his own worry, Hiram's panic attacks had never lasted this long, "try and take some deep breaths, nice and steady, he held their joined hands against his chest, wondering if feeling his chest rising and falling might help Shelby to match his breathing.

For both Shelby and Leroy time seemed to stand still, and Leroy was on the verge of calling 911 when Shelby's shaky breaths finally begin to slow, and eventually she looked up at him, her cheeks damp and her eyes still filled with tears, "Oh Shelby" he held out his arms and she flew into his embrace as she began to sob again.

It didn't take long for Shelby to cry herself to sleep in his arms, and Leroy was just wondering what to do next, knowing he'd sit on the floor holding Shelby all night if he had to, when Rachel appeared in the doorway, "is she okay?" she asked nervously.

"She had a panic attack" he told her, "quite a bad one but she's fallen asleep now, could you lift that case onto the floor please so I can put her in bed?"

Rachel frowned but went to do as her dad asked, "is she leaving?"

"I don't know" Leroy said honestly, "we can talk to her when she's had some rest and calmed down." He thanked Rachel as she pulled back the covers, Leroy laying Shelby in the bed before slipping off her shoes and pulling the covers over her. He smiled as he saw Rachel lean over to kiss Shelby's tearstained cheek, "come on" he held his hand out to Rachel, "let's let her get some sleep."

Rachel took Leroy's hand and let him lead her downstairs, sitting on the couch and not looking up until her dad returned, pressing a cool glass of water into her hands, "why?" she asked, her index finger tracing a drop of condensation down the glass, "why do you always give me a glass of water when I'm sad?"

Leroy sat on the edge of the coffee table, "when you were about three or four, you told us that crying made your throat hurt, so it started from there, and sometimes we couldn't understand why you were crying, sitting you down with a glass of water gave you time to calm down and work out what had upset you. But as you got older, we thought it would give you time, if you're upset, you can sit with a glass of water, you can calm down a little, process what's going on in your head and get your thoughts in order before you act. It gives you time to decide if it's something you can just let go, something you can solve yourself or a problem you need help with."

Rachel nodded, it had never occurred to her before that her fathers always asked if she was okay once her glass was empty, reminding her they were there if she told them she was, being there to listen if she needed to talk things over. Rachel might never have understood it before today, but it was definitely a technique that worked. "Thank you" she whispered.

"You've got nothing to thank me for" Leroy squeezed Rachel's knee, "do you want me to give you some time or…?"

"I think it was my fault" she looked up at Leroy, tears shining in her eyes.

Leroy frowned, stroking Rachel's knee with his thumb, "what was."

"Shelby, I think I upset her."

Leroy was confused, couldn't think of anything Rachel could have done to cause Shelby's panic attack, "what makes you think that?"

"I asked her to come to Glee" Rachel told him, "we were doing original songs and I wanted her to hear mine, it was about her, about how it's hard sometimes but it will get easier.. I didn't tell anyone it was about her, I just…"

"Rachel" he interrupted her, suddenly understanding the concerned phone call he'd had from Will, "I don't think that was what caused Shelby's anxiety, I can't tell you what did, but I'm sure it wasn't you" he told her, "I'm lucky enough to never have experienced that for myself, and it's been a while since it happened to your Daddy, but I do remember them coming out of nowhere, he said sometimes he'd just start to feel a bit 'off' and it would build from there, other times it just came out of the blue. I don't know what happened with Shelby, but I'm sure it wasn't you."

Rachel nodded and sipped at her water, "can I go and lay with her for a while?"

"Of course, try not to wake her though" Leroy said before looking his daughter in the eye, "you called her Mom earlier" he saw the confused look on Rachel's face, "when you came into the kitchen you told me Mom was crying."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking I…" Rachel couldn't remember saying that, but she wasn't lying, she hadn't thought about her words, just knew she needed Leroy to help Shelby and she needed him to do it quickly.

"It's okay" he reassured her, "I just want you to know that, if it's okay with Shelby, then your Daddy and I don't mind if you call her Mom."

"I do sometimes" Rachel admitted, "sometimes it just slips out, but I don't want her to feel like she has to be my Mom if that's too much for her" she shrugged.

"I understand" Leroy nodded, "when she's feeling a little better maybe the two of you should try and talk about it" he suggested, "or your Daddy or I could talk to her."

"Yeah" Rachel nodded, "maybe."

"Think about it" Leroy squeezed Rachel's knee, "but for now, go and lay with her if that's what you want, I'll come and get you when dinner's ready."

Rachel stood from the sofa and wrapped her arms around Leroy, "I love you Dad."

He hugged her tightly and kissed her hair, "I love you too Rach, and she might not feel able to say it just yet, but I know Shelby loves you too, she always has."

Rachel changed into sweat pants and a tank top before slipping into Shelby's room, the woman curled on her side facing the middle of the bed. Rachel carefully laid beside her Mom, not wanting to wake her up, but she soon found simply laying in the same bed as the other woman wasn't enough and she rolled over to face her, gently wrapping her arm around Shelby and nuzzling into her, unable to hold back her tears any longer as she cried silently into her Mom.

She froze when she felt Shelby stir, hoping she hadn't woken her, but Shelby didn't seem to wake as she wrapped her arm around Rachel, pulling her closer, "'s'okay baby" she murmured in her sleep, "Momma's got you" her words only making Rachel's tears fall faster.

"Leroy" Hiram frowned when he walked into the house, just half an hour after Rachel had cried herself to sleep in her mother's arms, his final meeting of the day had been cancelled so he'd been able to leave earlier than planned. "What's wrong?" he asked, finding the man sat on the couch, head held in his hands. Hiram's concern only grew when Leroy lifted his head, his eyes filled with unshed tears, "what is it?" he dropped his bag and jacket in the armchair so he could sit beside his husband, wrapping his arm around Leroy's shoulders, Leroy had always been the stronger of the two, the one who was always calm, who always managed to hold it together, so Hiram's mind was in overdrive as he tried to work out what could have upset Leroy so much, "is Rachel okay? Has something happened to Shelby?"

Leroy sighed, "Shelby picked Rachel up from school, when Rachel came in she said Shelby was going to bed because she had a migraine. Rachel went up to do her homework but came straight back down, she seemed quite panicked and told me Shelby was crying so I went up."

Hiram frowned, "is she okay?"

"She'd started packing a bag, she was curled up on the floor clutching a picture of her and Rachel, she was…" he shook his head, "she was having a panic attack, she was shaking, she couldn't breathe, it was almost like she was choking as she tried to catch her breath, I couldn't get through to her. I thought I was going to have to call 911 but she started to calm down eventually, and she cried herself to sleep in my arms."

"Where is she now?" Hiram asked, "is Rachel with her?"

"I put Shelby in her bed. I brought Rachel down here, I don't know if she came up before when I was trying to calm Shelby down or if she only saw her asleep in my arms, but she got a little upset. Apparently she asked Shelby to pick her up because they were doing original songs in Glee and she wanted Shelby to hear hers, she said she wrote it for her, about how it was okay if you had struggles and that things would get better. She thinks her song caused Shelby's panic attack. I told her that I didn't think that was the case and calmed her down a little, but she wanted to go and lay with Shelby so that's where she is."

Hiram sighed and kissed Leroy's temple," I'm sorry you had to deal with all that on your own" he whispered, holding his husband close, "I can talk to them both later if you want."

Leroy nodded, "I told Rachel I'd get her for dinner but I'm going to let Shelby sleep she'll be exhausted, I've never seen anything like that before, she was…" he shook his head, "I could see how terrified she was and there was nothing I could do, I did the thing I used to do for you, but her hands were shaking so much, I think if we did wake her up, her anxiety would probably still be sky high, not to mention how exhausted she'd be."

Hiram nodded in agreement, "it's best to let her sleep, I might call Carmel in the morning and tell them she won't be in, and I'll try and rearrange a few things so I can work from home to be with her. And I know it's no use me telling you this now, but just in case it ever happens again, I'm sure she won't mind me telling you that Shelby's been prescribed valium to take when she feels she needs to. I hope this never happens again, but if it does, and if you can get her to take it, that would probably help."

Leroy nodded, "noted, I don't know if it would have been any good today though, by the time I think she'd have been able to take it, she'd already calmed down quite a lot, but maybe we suggest she takes one if she wakes tonight." He paused for a second before asking, "I agree with Shelby staying home tomorrow, but what about Rachel?"

Hiram sighed, "if we can, we should probably get her to go to school, I know she'll be worried about Shelby but Shelby might want to spend some time alone without Rachel fussing."

Leroy nodded, "I've just remembered, I had a phone call from Will Schuester earlier…" his face fell as he thought about the conversation he'd had with the man.

"What is it Leroy?"

"He was worried about Rachel after her original song, he said he'd spoken to Shelby, that she'd told him Rachel was fine but he wanted to call us to be sure, what if he said something? Shelby told Rachel that she was her mother not her Mom, Shelby was packing up her things, what if she thought we didn't want her here? If he said something to make her feel like she wasn't Rachel's Mom, that we didn't want her here."

Hiram sighed, "I'll speak to Shelby when she wakes, but if he did say anything, I'll be ringing him to have words. Shelby's relationship with Rachel is not his call, if Shelby told him Rachel was fine then that should have been the end of it."

"I told him that. I told him that, with our blessing, Rachel had spent more time with Shelby than with us over the past couple of days, so I'd probably have to check in with her anyway."

"Good" Hiram nodded, "Shelby and Rachel need people who are going to be supportive of them rebuilding their relationship." He thought about something for a minute, "I know Rachel's 16 now, but maybe we should talk to our lawyer, and Shelby of course, about getting her parental rights reinstated?"

Leroy nodded, "I don't know if it would be possible but I think we should definitely look into it, I think it would mean a lot to Shelby and Rachel."

"We should never have signed that contract" Hiram sighed.

"No" Leroy agreed, "we shouldn't, but what's done is done, we can't change that, we just have to do all we can to make sure Shelby and Rachel can start to build a relationship from now on… you know when Rachel came downstairs to get me she told me her Mom was crying."

Hiram smiled, "that's great, not that Shelby was crying obviously, but that Rachel called her Mom. She called her Mom last night too. She'd fallen asleep watching the movie but she was sitting up against Shelby so I moved her to lay down so Shelby could get comfortable too. She was barely awake but she just wanted to know her Mom was still there. It was adorable."

Leroy smiled, "I spoke to Rachel about it, told her that if it's okay with Shelby, then you and I don't mind her calling Shelby Mom."

"Of course we don't, God, I'd do anything for the pair of them, we knew all along that Rachel needed Shelby, but she just seemed to disappear off the face of the earth, it never occurred to me how much Shelby might have needed Rachel too."

"They've got each other now" Leroy promised, "and they've both got us, we'll get through this Hiram, we'll get through it together."

* * *

Lyrics in italics are 'I won't let go' by Rascal Flatts


	16. Chapter 16

IceK04 - I know your comment was on chapter 14, but I completely forgot to address it last time, I'm so sorry! I'll keep your suggestion in mind for the future, but right now, I don't imagine Rache is dating yet, I do have plans for her to start dating someone later in the fic, and it's not Finn so you don't need to worry!

fanipayne - I agree that sometimes it feels like Rachel and Shelby have swapped roles, and Rachel has mentioned it too. Rachel will be going to see her own therapist in a couple of chapters time, but the next chapter will see Shelby comforting Rachel a little!

I don't think I'll be posting an update next week, so this one's a little longer than usual to make up for that! I hope those of you that celebrate have a great Christmas, and I hope those of you that don't celebrate have an awesome week anyway!

* * *

Leroy ordered takeout from Rachel's favourite restaurant for dinner, the food he'd been preparing left on the hob, forgotten about in his rush to help Shelby. He didn't care though, wasn't even sure he had the energy to finish cooking. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't feeling shaken by how extreme Shelby's panic attack had been, and he wished there was something, anything, he could do to get back the woman that had joined them at the dinner table just 24 hours ago.

"Rachel Darling" it was Hiram who went to wake her, his heart breaking at the way Shelby's mascara sat under her eyes, at the tears he could see dried on Rachel's cheeks, mother and daughter clinging almost desperately to each other in sleep. Rachel groaned slightly and Hiram kissed her hair, "it's time for dinner Princess."

"Shelby" Rachel whispered.

"Let her get some rest" Hiram helped Rachel from her Mom's embrace, slipping a pillow under Shelby's arm to keep her settled, much like Shelby had done with Rachel that morning, "even if we woke her she probably wouldn't feel up to eating right now" he said as he led Rachel from the room, "her body was in a state of high anxiety earlier, and from the sounds of it she was there for a long time, she'll have used a lot of energy for that, so right now, sleeping is the best thing she can be doing, we'll make sure she eats when she wakes" he promised.

"Okay" Rachel nodded, allowing herself to be sat down at the table where her favourite dish from the Thai restaurant she loved was placed in front of her.

"Rachel" Leroy reached out when he saw Rachel was just playing with her food and not really eating it, "I know you're worried about Shelby, but she's safe. Daddy's going to take tomorrow off work and stay home with her, he'll talk to her, see if he can get to the bottom of things."

"I wish I hadn't asked her to come to glee" Rachel whispered, "I should never have…"

"Pumpkin" Leroy interrupted, "even if that was the cause, and I'm not saying it is, but even if it was, you didn't know that inviting Shelby to see you perform would have this effect. If Shelby was that worried, if she knew she'd have this reaction, she wouldn't have agreed to watch you."

"Your Dad's right Princess, I've had panic attacks before and sometimes they just creep up on you from nowhere. Please don't blame yourself."

Rachel nodded but didn't eat any more food before asking, "can I be excused please? I appreciate you buying the takeout but I just don't feel hungry."

"Of course" Leroy nodded, "you know you can help yourself if you feel hungry later."

"I know. Thank you" Rachel kissed both her fathers on the cheek before leaving the room, both men in no doubt that Rachel was heading straight for Shelby's bed.

Hiram and Leroy both checked on Shelby and Rachel over the course of the evening but neither of them woke, they were right, Rachel was, once again, curled in Shelby's arms, mother holding daughter close as they both slept. "Do you think you'd wake if Shelby or Rachel did?" Hiram asked his husband as they both got ready for bed that evening.

"Probably" Leroy nodded as he changed into his pyjamas, "why?"

"I erm, I think I might take a pill tonight."

Leroy frowned and crossed the room to stand before his husband, reaching out to take his hand. "Are you okay? You haven't needed anything to help you sleep for a while."

"I know" Hiram squeezed Leroy's hand, "and I'm okay, honestly, I just think that without it, I'm probably going to spend the night tossing and turning, not able to sleep just in case one of them wakes up, and I'm staying home with Shelby, I don't want her to notice if I haven't slept and blame herself, so if you think you'd wake, it's probably for the best that I knock myself out for the next eight hours so I can be whatever Shelby needs in the morning."

Leroy nodded and kissed Hiram gently, "you'd tell me if you were struggling wouldn't you."

"Of course" Hiram nodded, "I'm just a little worried about Shelby, and Rachel of course and I want to be sure that I get some sleep tonight."

"Okay" Leroy nodded, "and I'll wake up if they do" he promised, knowing that, like his husband, he'd probably struggle to fall asleep, his body on edge in case Rachel or Shelby needed anything.

Hiram went into the bathroom and took the sleeping pills from the cabinet, swallowing one before making his way back into the bedroom and climbing into bed beside his husband. "I don't know if Shelby might get up in the morning, and you might need to wake Rachel, I don't know if she has an alarm set on her phone, or even if her phone's in Shelby's room."

"Hiram" Leroy kissed his husband to silence him, "if Shelby wakes, I'll try and talk her into staying home, and I'll make sure Rachel's up and ready for school on time" he ran his fingers through Hiram's hair, tugging gently and kissing his husband again, "would a massage help you relax?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know you'll be asleep soon, but you need to relax Hiram, I know what's going on with Shelby isn't easy, we're all finding it tough, and I…" he sighed, "I know you want to help her, and I won't ever stop you, but I'm worried about how this is going to affect you and your mental health."

Hiram snuggled closer to Leroy, reaching up to gently stroke his cheeks with his fingertips. "You're right" he said softly, "it is tough, she was so strong and now she just seems so broken, but I promise you that I'm okay. I'm coping Leroy, yes I'm worried about Shelby, about Rachel too but I don't feel like I'm slipping back into my own depression, and I promise you, I promise that if I do feel my mood changing, that if I do feel like it's getting too much I'll tell you, and if I think I need to see the doctor or my therapist then I'll let you know."

"Thank you" Leroy laid down, Hiram still curled in his arms, "I love you."

Hiram yawned as he kissed Leroy softly, "I love you too" he whispered.

"We'll get through this" he promised, "the four of us, we'll get through it together, Shelby's family whether she wants to admit it or not, we aren't going to let her fight this alone."

Shelby didn't get up the next morning, her eyes barely opening as she turned off her alarm before falling back to sleep, not even noticing that she was cuddled up with Rachel. Leroy left Hiram and Shelby sleeping as he made sure Rachel was up on time for school, the teen forgoing her usual exercise routine and instead, spending a while cuddled into her Dad on the couch, needing his comfort, "she'll be okay" Leroy promised, "Daddy's staying home with her, she'll be safe with him."

Hiram came downstairs just before Rachel left for school, he too hugging his daughter and promising her he'd take good care of Shelby. Rachel had been disappointed that her Mom hadn't woken, but she settled for kissing her cheek and whispering that she loved her before leaving for the day.

It was a little after 9.30 when Hiram heard the creak of the floorboards above him, then a few minutes later, the flush of the toilet and the tap running as Shelby washed her hands.

He gave her ten minutes, but when she didn't come down, Hiram headed upstairs, knocking gently before pushing the door open when he heard a quiet 'yeah' from the room.

"Hey" he smiled softly as he saw Shelby cocooned in the duvet, "I heard you had a rough day yesterday" he said, taking in Shelby's appearance, the woman still in the clothes she'd worn to work the day before, her hair messy from tossing and turning in her sleep, eyes rimmed red with tears and the remains of her make up still on her face.

"Yeah" Shelby sighed, she couldn't remember much of what happened after she brought Rachel home, but from the lingering tightness in her chest and the jittery anxious feeling she was struggling to shake, she could probably guess that she'd had a panic attack.

"Do you feel up to eating anything?"

Shelby shook her head, "not really" she whispered.

"Okay" Hiram understood, he'd been there himself, "how about I get you some clean clothes out then?" he suggested, "I've called Carmel and told them you're in bed with a migraine, so why don't you get changed and we can go and sit in the garden, I know fresh air sometimes helps clear my mind when everything seems too much, we don't have to talk."

Shelby nodded, "okay" she whispered, she didn't really want to, would much rather stay in bed and hide from the world, but she knew Hiram was trying, that he wanted to help her.

"Okay" he smiled, rubbing her arm through the duvet, easily finding Shelby some clean pyjamas and placing them on the bed with underwear and socks, "you get changed, I'll be back in a minute" he told her, leaving the room to give her privacy to change.

Hiram made his way to the guest bathroom whilst Shelby was changing, looking through Shelby's belongings, hoping she wouldn't mind him snooping, he found what he wanted before going back to the guest room and knocking on the door. "What…" Shelby had changed and was sat on the edge of the bed when Hiram came in, his arms full of bottles that she recognised as her own toiletries.

"Sit back" he gestured for her to sit against the headboard of the bed, and, slightly confused, she did as he asked without question, wanting to cry when he lined up all the bottles on the bed before taking a make up wipe and gently cleaning her face of anything that was left from the previous day. He used her cleanser and toner before carefully rubbing moisturiser into her skin.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked, a tear slipping down her cheek when he asked her to sit forward a little, gently moving her into a comfortable position so that he could carefully comb through her tangled curls before tying them back in a simple ponytail with a band he'd found wrapped around the handle of the comb.

"I've been here" he told her, "I know that sometimes even the simplest things feel like they'll take more energy than you have, and that's okay, just like it's okay to let someone look after you if you don't think you can look after yourself. And I know sometimes it's the little things, like a clean pair of pyjamas or washing your face that help you to feel a tiny bit better."

"Thank you."

Hiram reached for Shelby's shaking hand and squeezed it softly, "you don't need to thank me Shel. To Leroy and I, you're family, we might not be able to change the past sixteen years, but I promise you, we will do all we can to make sure that you and Rachel get to spend the next sixteen, hell, the next sixty years together. You're family and we love you, we'll do whatever we can to help you." Shelby couldn't find the words to respond, so she squeezed the hand holding hers, hoping he knew just how grateful she was to him and Leroy. "Come on" he stood, tugging gently on Shelby's hand, "let's go and get some fresh air."

He sat her on a chair in the sun before telling Shelby he'd be back in a minute. "What's this?" Shelby asked as Hiram set a tray down on the table.

"I thought you might like a coffee" he gestured to the mugs, "and I know you said you didn't feel up to eating but it's been almost 24 hours since you last ate anything so I made you some toast, and then I brought you your meds, some water to take them with and your cigarettes."

Once again Shelby felt tears pricking at her eyes, "thank you" she whispered, her hand shaking slightly as she reached for the toast, knowing Hiram was right, she hadn't eaten since lunch the day before, and even that hadn't been much, she probably should try and eat something.

She managed just half a slice before reaching for the box of pills, her antidepressants had completely slipped her mind so she was glad Hiram had remembered for her. She swallowed the pill before reaching for her cigarettes, "here" Hiram pulled over something Shelby hadn't noticed on the tray, "ashtray."

Shelby nodded, "thank you" she smiled as she took a cigarette and her lighter from the packet, frowning when she struggled to light the cigarette, her hands shaking too much to hold the lighter in place for long enough.

"Come here" Hiram took the lighter from Shelby, handing it back once her cigarette was lit.

"Thanks" Shelby sighed as she dropped the lighter onto the table, angling herself so the smoke from her cigarette was blowing away from the man sat beside her. They were silent for a while before Shelby spoke again, "I'm surprised Rachel hasn't lectured me about how bad smoking is for my vocal chords."

Hiram chuckled, "I think that right now, she's just happy to have you here, give it time, the lectures and the diva tantrums will come."

Shelby was silent as she smoked her cigarette for a while before speaking again, "thank you. For raising her so well. I kept telling myself that she was happy, that she was loved, and I'm glad I wasn't wrong."

"She's amazing" Hiram smiled, "Leroy and I can never thank you enough for letting us raise your baby."

He heard Shelby sniffle quietly but before he could ask if she was okay she whispered, "she isn't is she? She's your baby, yours and Leroy's."

"Shelby, her DNA is half yours, you carried her, you gave birth to her, she is your daughter." Shelby dipped her head, and closed her eyes, willing her tears not to fall, "has something happened?"

Shelby shook her head, "no, nothing, it's fine."

"You know Rachel can't lie to Leroy and I either" Hiram told her, "but if you change your mind, you know you can always come to us."

Shelby said nothing, instead choosing to stub out her cigarette in the ashtray and sip at her coffee, closing her eyes when Hiram took hold of her shaking hand after he saw a single tear roll down her cheek.

"Rachel wanted me to hear a song she'd written in Glee yesterday" she finally whispered, her hand still in Hiram's, "I left after she'd finished, I didn't want anyone to see me and start asking why the coach of their biggest competition was hiding in the shadows during their rehearsal. I was waiting in the parking lot for her when Will Schuester came out. He said Rachel's song worried him and he was going to call you. I told him she was fine and that the song was about me. He told me he thought it would be best if he called her parents to talk to them about it."

"Oh Shel" Hiram squeezed her hand, "he's wrong, you are as much Rachel's parent as we are, and, if it makes any difference, Leroy told him as much when he called here last night."

"Leroy said…"

"He told Will that if you said Rachel was fine then she was fine, that we were encouraging you both to build a relationship and we'd appreciate it if he supported that."

Shelby smiled slightly, "thank you."

"I keep telling you, there's nothing for you to thank us for." he took a deep breath, "Leroy and I were talking last night too, he's going to make some phone calls and speak to some people today, we didn't want to say anything to you until we knew if it's possible or not, but if we can, and if you want, we'd like to get your parental rights reinstated. But even if that's not possible, to us, you are always, and have always been Rachel's Mom."

"She erm, she calls me Mom sometimes" Shelby whispered.

Hiram smiled, "Leroy said she called you Mom last night, when she came down to get him."

"I don't think she does it intentionally" Shelby mused, "she calls me Shelby a lot but sometimes she calls me Mom."

"We've told her" Hiram said gently, "that whether she calls you Mom or Shelby is something that's between the two of you, Leroy and I don't mind either way."

"I don't…" Shelby sighed, "I know I gave birth to her but I don't, I don't feel like her Mom."

Hiram smiled sadly, "that's because you've not really been in her life for long, the more time you spend together, the more you get to know each other, the more you'll feel like her Mom, but I know Rachel sees you as her Mom."

"You think?"

"I know" Hiram squeezed Shelby's hand, "she was over the moon when she found you, and on Wednesday, when you spent time with her, she was so happy Shelby, and she fell asleep in your arms, she hasn't fallen asleep like that with Leroy or I for years. She loves you Shelby and mental health be damned, she's so happy to have you here.

There was silence for a while before Shelby spoke again, it was something that had been on her mind for a while and she felt like she needed to say it before she burst, "I erm, I think I'm going to step down from vocal adrenaline" Shelby told Hiram, "I've been thinking about it for a while now but I think, for my own sake, I need to take a step back and, and not put so much pressure on myself any more."

"That sounds like a good idea" Hiram nodded, "have you thought about taking some time off work?"

Shelby nodded, reaching for her cigarettes, tapping the packet against the table before putting it back down again, "I did think about it, but I don't think it would help, I think I need something to keep me busy, to stop my mind dwelling on certain things."

"Okay" Hiram understood, knew sometimes he just wanted to keep himself occupied to stop his thoughts wandering, "just as long as you know that it's an option and you don't need to keep struggling along if you feel like you need to take a break." Shelby nodded but said nothing so Hiram decided to try and approach something that had been bothering him since Leroy had first mentioned it, but he wasn't entirely sure how Shelby would react, "Leroy said you were packing a case last night..."

Shelby nodded, "I, you, I felt like I don't belong here, like I'm just imposing on your family."

"Oh Shelby" Hiram took her hand again, "we wouldn't have the family we do if it wasn't for you, and I know you might not believe us, but we've wanted you to be a part of this for so long, we kept trying to track you down, trying to find you again but you just seemed to vanish, and I guess that eventually we lost hope and gave up. If we'd have known you were so close Shelby, you have to believe me, we'd have been in touch, we'd have let you in much sooner."

Shelby didn't say anything, she didn't know what to say, as much as she wished she had been in Rachel's life sooner, she knew that for quite a while when Rachel was younger, she wouldn't, mentally, have been able to be Rachel's Mom, she wasn't sure she was capable of being her Mom now either if she was honest but she knew, for Rachel's sake, she had to try.

Hiram watched as Shelby got lost in her thoughts but he didn't disturb her, trusted that she'd tell him if there was anything he could do. He was startled a few moments later when Shelby groaned in anguish and curled forward until her head was almost resting on her knees. "Shelby?" Hiram was worried, "what's wrong?"

"I feel like shit" she whispered as tears filled her eyes, she'd felt okay but suddenly felt like she'd been hit by a truck, "I just want to take the valium and try and pass out but I have an appointment I need to drive to tomorrow."

"Is it an appointment you can reschedule?"

"Most likely" Shelby whispered, "but I don't know how long it would take to reschedule it and I just want to get it over and done with."

"Okay, well, Leroy or I could drive you if…"

"No" Shelby said quickly before shaking her head, "no, I erm, I appreciate the offer but it's something I want to do alone."

"Okay" Hiram didn't push her, "why don't you try to do something to distract yourself then? Reading or maybe some yoga?"

Shelby shook her head again, "I, I don't think I'd be able to focus on anything" she said honestly.

"What if I read to you?" Hiram offered.

"You, you'd do that?"

"Yeah, if you wanted me to. We can get comfortable somewhere, I'm sure you've got a book on the go, then if you want to nap, or if you fall asleep then that's okay, but otherwise we can just relax for a while."

"I don't know if I could settle, I feel like I want to pace but at the same time I don't have any energy" she sighed, "I hate this" she whispered, "I hate feeling like I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to switch my brain off until it stops buzzing."

"Do you think an extra session with your therapist would help? I'm sure if I called her she'd fit you in as an emergency."

Shelby shrugged, "I don't..." she sighed, letting her head rest on the table, "I don't know if I want to talk about it. Not yet. I can't… I don't even know what really happened last night. I remember deciding to go home, starting to pack and then I was waking up this morning feeling like there was an elephant sat on my chest."

"Can I ask you something?" Hiram asked, "and will you answer honestly?"

"Yeah" Shelby whispered, still bent into a position Hiram was sure couldn't be comfortable.

Hiram thought about his words for a minute before speaking again, "if you had gone home last night, do you think… Would you have hurt yourself or, or tried to take your life?"

Shelby was silent as she thought about her answer, "I don't know" she said truthfully, "I hadn't really thought further than getting out of here, I'd probably have ended up with a bottle of cheap vodka and…" she sighed," I think it's quite likely that I'd have done something that, in a better mood, I'd regret."

"Thank you for being honest with me" Hiram reached out to gently stroke Shelby's back, frowning at how tense her muscles were, as he noticed the almost frantic tapping of her foot against the concrete and how her breath hitched in her chest. "What time is you appointment tomorrow and how long will it take you to get there?" he asked.

Shelby closed her eyes, willing her body to relax, wishing she could shed the tightness in her chest that made every breath a struggle, "three thirty, she finally managed to answer Hiram's questions, "and maybe half an hour or so."

"Okay" he thought for a moment, "has the therapist ever asked you to rate your anxiety from one to ten?" Shelby nodded, "where are you now?"

Shelby was silent for a while before choking out, "seven, maybe eight."

"I think maybe we should go inside and you should take one of those pills Shelby, see if it brings your anxiety down to a more bearable level. I know you're worried about driving tomorrow but you've got over 24 hours before you need to do that. And if you don't feel capable of driving then Leroy or I can take you close by where your appointment is, you can tell us to leave you a few blocks from where you need to be, or we'll get you a cab Shelby. We can worry about tomorrow tomorrow, but today I think we need to get your anxiety under control."

Shelby nodded, "can I go back to bed?"

Hiram's heart broke as he heard the tears in Shelby's voice, "of course you can Shel."

"Will, will you sit with me?" Shelby finally lifted her head to look at Hiram.

He wiped at her tears with his thumb, "of course" he promised, "always." He reached for Shelby's cigarettes and held them out towards her, "do you want another one before we go in?" Shelby shook her head, not voicing the fact that she felt like her hands were shaking too much to smoke, "okay then, just let me put this in the kitchen" he gestured to the tray and then I'll come back and help you upstairs okay?"

"Okay" Shelby nodded, grateful that Hiram had realised she'd need help just walking back into the house without her having to ask him.

Hiram didn't bother to put anything away, just dumped the tray on the worktop and walked back out into the garden, helping Shelby to her feet and keeping his arm around her as he helped her upstairs and into her bedroom. He'd seen the meds as he'd picked up her toiletries that morning, so, once he'd tucked Shelby into bed he got both the pills and a glass of water, keeping his hand around Shelby's to steady it as she raised the glass to her lips to swallow her pill. "Do you want to watch something?" Hiram gestured to the TV as he put the glass down and joined Shelby in the bed.

"I, I don't think I could concentrate on anything" Shelby said as she fiddled with the edge of the comforter, "but you can put something on if you want."

"Okay, well why don't you get comfortable" Hiram suggested, "see if you can sleep for a while once that starts to work.

"Yeah, okay" Shelby nodded as Hiram flicked on the TV and put on another guided meditation video, knowing that Shelby probably wouldn't be able to focus on the instructions but hoping it would provide some calming background noise to help relax her.

"I know you're feeling tense" Hiram said softly as he began running his fingers through Shelby's hair, putting a cushion in his lap and lifting her head to lay on it, wanting to reassure her that he wasn't leaving, "but try and slow your breaths Shelby, you sound like you're starting to hyperventilate" he told her, keeping his own breaths steady as he heard Shelby try and mimic him. "That's good" he reassured her as he continued to play with her hair, "you're doing really well."

As Shelby focused on her breathing, she began to feel the effects of the drug she'd taken, a fuzzy haze filling her brain as she felt her eyelids beginning to droop and her body and mind both begin to relax. "I feel like I'm melting" she mumbled quietly.

Hiram chuckled, "that'll be the valium. Do you feel like you're relaxing though?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded against the pillow, "I feel… have you ever smoked dope?"

"Once or twice, many moons ago, when I was in college" he admitted.

"Yeah" Shelby yawned, "me too, and now, now I feel like I've just smoked a really good joint."

"That seems like a good thing in this situation" Hiram just got a hum in response and pulled the duvet up around Shelby's shoulders, "try and get some sleep Shelby" he said softly, "I'll still be here when you wake up, I'm not going anywhere."


	17. Chapter 17

xaviorismy1andonly3512 - This fic is going to focus on Rachel, Shelby and Rachel's dads, so, other than not being adopted by Shelby, you can imagine whatever you want for Beth, I haven't realy thought about it!

dracoismyboyfriendguys - Thank you so much for your review. Without going into too much detail, some of this fic is quite personal, so to have someone say that I'm doing a good job of expressing Shelby's feelings means a lot, it's so easy to imagine the way Shelby's feeling but trying to turn those feelings into words is a completely different matter! Thank you for your review, and I hope you 'enjoy' (although I'm not sure that's the right word) what I have planned for Shelby in the future.

* * *

Rachel was quiet as she let herself into the house that afternoon. She'd been a little subdued all day, worried about Shelby, worried about the woman that had still been sleeping when she'd left the house that morning. She hung up her jacket and slipped off her shoes, dropping her bag at the bottom of the stairs to take up to her room later and walked through to the living room, smiling slightly when she saw Shelby curled up in a blanket in the armchair, a movie playing on the TV. She didn't say anything but made her way over, sitting herself down on the arm of the chair. Shelby looked up at Rachel before switching her gaze back to the TV, silently reaching out and taking hold of Rachel's hand, stroking her thumb over the back of Rachel's palm.

Hiram had been in his office working through a few things. He'd stayed with Shelby until she'd woken and, after making Shelby a mug of tea and a sandwich she didn't eat, she told him she'd be fine on her own for a while if he needed to do some work. Hiram had taken the hint, Shelby wanted some time to herself, so he'd left her watching a movie and gone into his office. He glanced at the clock, he hadn't heard Rachel come in but assumed she was home and with Shelby but went to check anyway.

He was right, as he'd expected, Rachel was with Shelby, but he hadn't expected this, he hadn't expected to find Rachel sat beside Shelby in the armchair, her legs draped over Shelby's thighs, her head on her Mom's shoulder as the two of them slept peacefully together. He walked over to the pair, picking the blanket from where it had fallen on the floor, covering them both with it, "get some rest" he whispered when he saw Shelby's eyes slowly open, "I'll wake you when it's time for dinner" he promised, flicking off the TV and leaving Shelby and Rachel to sleep.

Hiram hadn't been in the kitchen for long, had just began to get out ingredients for dinner when Leroy came home, heading straight for the kitchen. "Hey" he smiled as he dropped his things in a chair and kissed Hiram gently, "everything okay?"

"Everything's okay" Hiram nodded before asking his husband, "Have you been in the living room?"

"No" Leroy frowned, "why?"

"Go look" Hiram smiled, "just be quiet."

Leroy frowned but did as Hiram told him to, "oh" he smiled as he came back, his phone in his hand, "that is adorable."

"Did you get pictures?"

"Of course" Leroy smiled, "I'm surprised you didn't."

"I wasn't expecting it, I didn't have my phone, Shelby said she'd be okay watching a movie if I did some work in the office, I got a bit lost in things and before I knew it, it was 4.15 so I went to see if Rachel was home and they were both curled up like that. Shelby woke a little as I covered them both with the blanket, so it's probably a good job I didn't!"

"I'm going to bring it out the next time Shelby tells us she doesn't think she's a good Mom."

Hiram smiled, "Rachel shares her bed sometimes, you know what Rachel's like, I'd bet everything I have that this isn't the first time Shelby's ended up holding her like that whether she wants to or not."

"Yeah" Leroy chucked, "that's true" he pecked Hiram's lips, "have I got time to shower before dinner?"

Hiram nodded, "you've got about half an hour, but before she wakes up, I should tell you, Shelby was still really tense and anxious earlier, she put her anxiety at a seven or eight out of ten, I was worried about the possibility of her having another panic attack and she admitted to feeling awful because of her anxiety so I convinced her to take one of her valium pills. So if she's a bit spaced out or not really with it when she wakes, it's because of that, she likened the feeling to being stoned."

"Shelby's smoked…"

"She said it was in college" Hiram interrupted, worried Leroy was jumping to the wrong conclusion, "and I've got no reason to not believe her."

"No, you're right, I just…"

"You worried" Hiram said softly, "it's only natural, but that isn't something you need to worry about, I just didn't want you to worry about Shelby if she isn't completely with it later."

Leroy nodded, "thanks for telling me" he pecked his husband's lips, "I'm going to shower" he told him, "I won't be long."

Even as a child, Rachel had never been one for taking long naps and this time was no different, the teen stirring less than 30 minutes after falling asleep. She was briefly confused when she woke, much like the first time she'd fallen asleep in Shelby's arms in her apartment, but once she realised where she was, who she was with, Rachel relaxed slightly, nuzzling closer to her Mom, not wanting to let her go.

Rachel moving closer woke Shelby, and she took a moment to watch Rachel, she'd spent enough time with the girl over the past few days that she knew something wasn't right. Rachel was still curled into Shelby, loosely holding Shelby's hand in her own. "Rachel" Shelby said softly.

She didn't get chance to ask her if she was okay before Rachel's head snapped up, her eyes filled with unshed tears, "you're not going to… to do anything are you."

"Oh Rachel" Shelby put her arms around Rachel and hugged her tightly, Rachel nuzzling into Shelby, clutching at her pyjama top, "I'm not going to do anything" she promised. "I had an anxiety attack last night, it was probably just as scary for you as it was for me, and I still felt a little off earlier but I'll be okay."

"You, you won't hurt yourself?"

"No" Shelby hated how scared Rachel sounded. "When I… before, when I did those things, I felt like there was no point in me being here, I felt like I had nothing to live for. But I've got you now, and if there's anything in this world that's going to encourage me to keep fighting, if anything's going to give me a reason to keep getting out of bed, even on the worst days, it's you. And no matter how much I hate myself, hate the way I feel sometimes, I love you far too much to put you through that."

"I don't want to lose you Mom. Not when I've only just got you back."

Shelby dropped a kiss to Rachel's hair as the girl clung to her, "I'm not going anywhere Rachel, you don't need to worry about that."

"You…" Rachel chewed her lip, "you don't seem…" she didn't know how she said what she wanted to say without potentially offending her Mom, but eventually she settled on, "are you still tired?" Shelby seemed a little spaced out, her speech slower than usual and Rachel didn't know if that was something to worry about or not.

Shelby nodded, letting her head rest on Rachel's shoulder, deciding to he honest with her, "I took something earlier, a drug that I was prescribed to take alongside my antidepressants when I feel like I need it, it has helped me feel less anxious but I feel a bit…" she frowned as she searched for the right word, "dopey?" she shrugged, she wasn't sure that was the word she wanted but it would do.

Rachel nodded, "do Dad and Daddy know what you've taken?"

"Your Daddy does" Shelby nodded, her head still on Rachel's shoulder, "he was the one who encouraged me to take it, he was worried I might have another anxiety attack. You don't need to worry about me Rachel" she whispered, "I know I'm a mess right now, that I'm in a really shit place, but I'll get through it" she whispered, "I'll be okay. I'll be okay for you."

Rachel was still holding Shelby's hand, "I want you to be okay for you too Mom."

"I will be" Shelby nodded, before telling Rachel, "I like it when you call me Mom."

"Really?" Rachel's face lit up.

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "It makes me feel…" she shrugged, not knowing how to describe it, "I like it."

"Then I'll make sure I say it a lot Mom."

Shelby said nothing but nuzzled into Rachel and let her eyes close again as she simply enjoyed holding her daughter close. She knew that the effects of the valium would wear off eventually, but right now she couldn't bring herself to care.

Rachel noticed that Shelby seemed to have spaced out a little, but as she didn't seem to be worrying about anything she let her be, just kept herself tucked against her Mom, reluctant to move from her warm embrace.

"Hmm?" it took a while for Shelby to realise Rachel was talking to her, and even longer for her brain to focus on the words.

"Daddy says dinner is ready, do you want to come eat with us?"

"I, I'm not really hungry" Shelby saw Rachel's face fall, "but I'll try and eat something."

Rachel kept hold of Shelby's hand and led her through to the kitchen, "Mom's going to try and eat something" she said with a smile.

"Okay" Hiram smiled, happy not only that Shelby was going to try and eat, but that Rachel had called Shelby Mom. "We're having tacos, there's beef mince and soya mince" he smiled as he put plates out on the table before setting out all the ingredients for everyone to help themselves.

Shelby managed just one taco, but everyone was slightly relieved that she'd eaten at all. Her movements were slow, her hand shaking slightly and there were a few moments where it was almost like she forgot what she was doing in the middle of doing it. "I think… I think l…" she frowned slightly, "what do I think?" she asked once she'd finished her taco, "I..." she shrugged.

"Mom?" Rachel frowned.

"I think I need to go back to bed" she finally decided.

"Can I sleep in with you again tonight?" Rachel asked.

Shelby leaned over and kissed Rachel's hair, Leroy reaching out to grab Shelby's waist to stop her falling off her chair, "you can sleep in with me anytime you like."

"I'll come up with you" Leroy said as Shelby stood, "make sure you don't need anything." In reality, he just wanted to make sure she made it to her bedroom.

"I think I'm just going to sleep" Shelby told Leroy as he walked upstairs behind him, "I took a pill earlier and I think my brain melted."

Leroy chuckled, "I think maybe you've just forgotten what it feels like to be relaxed."

"Yeah" Shelby shrugged as she flopped down on top of the covers, "maybe."

"Come on" Leroy tugged gently on the duvet, "get in properly so Rachel can cuddle you when she comes up."

Shelby shuffled under the covers, "she likes to cuddle."

"She does" Leroy brushed Shelby's hair from her face and pulled the covers around her, "and she'll be up soon to cuddle with you." Shelby's eyes flitted closed and Leroy smiled softly, "sleep well Shelby."

Shelby fell asleep almost before Leroy made it back to the kitchen, a combination of lingering exhaustion from her anxiety attack and the pill she'd taken, helping lull her into a peaceful slumber. Her eyes fluttered open as Rachel slipped into the bed beside her several hours later, "sorry" Rachel whispered, "I didn't mean to wake you."

Shelby smiled sleepily, reaching out to lay her hand on Rachel's cheek, "you're so beautiful" she said softly, kissing Rachel's forehead before her eyes closed again, her hand still cupping Rachel's cheek.

Rachel smiled, not sure if Shelby had actually been awake or not, but she didn't really mind, she carefully took Shelby's hand from her cheek, clutching it gently in her own as she too drifted off to sleep.

They woke on opposite sides of the bed the next morning but Rachel was still loosely holding Shelby's hand in her own, "hi" Shelby smiled when she saw Rachel's eyes flutter open less than fifteen minutes after she'd woken.

"Hi" Rachel returned the smile.

"Are you okay?" Shelby reached out her free hand to brush Rachel's hair back from her face.

Rachel nodded, "I'm okay. Are you?"

"Yeah, still a little tired and my head, it still feels a bit like there are marshmallows where my brain's meant to be, but I feel a lot better than I did yesterday" she said honestly.

Rachel couldn't help but smile at Shelby saying her head felt like it was full of marshmallows, "I'm glad you're feeling better."

"Me too." Shelby paused for a minute before telling Rachel, "you don't need to worry about me Rachel, I'll be okay."

"I know you will" Rachel shuffled closer until she could wrap her arms around her Mom, "but I'll still worry about you, I worry about Daddy too when his depression is bad, I can't help it."

"I know" Shelby returned the hug, not minding at all that Rachel didn't seem in any hurry to let go. "I have to go somewhere later" She told her, "I'll be leaving here about three, I don't know how long it will take, so I can't say when I'll be back but I will come back" she promised.

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "you erm… You'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine" Shelby promised.

"I should get up" Rachel sighed, "I have to leave soon for dance class, I'll be back by lunch though."

"Okay" Shelby kissed Rachel's temple, "I'll see you before I leave then" she reached out to gently stroke her cheek, "I'll be okay" she promised, "and I meant what I said last night, if sleeping in here helps you stop worrying about me, you can sleep in here whenever you want to.

"Thank you" Rachel smiled softly, "are you staying here?"

"Yeah, I might try and sleep a little more" Shelby told her, "I still feel a little fuzzy."

"Okay" Rachel kissed Shelby's cheek as she stood from the bed, "I love you Mom".

Shelby smiled as she made herself comfortable, "I love you too Rachel.

"How are you feeling?" Hiram asked as she walked into the kitchen about half an hour after Leroy and Rachel had left for her dance class, using the recently boiled kettle to make Shelby a mug of tea, deciding without asking, not to give her caffeine.

Shelby thanked him for the tea and thought for a moment, "less anxious" she nodded, she'd probably put her anxiety at around a three or a four, but that was about where it was most days, "and I feel a lot more with it than I did after taking the valium yesterday" her mind still felt a little hazy, but nothing at all like it had the previous day.

"It seemed to help though."

Shelby nodded, "I think it did, although, if there's a next time, I think I'd like to try just taking half a pill, don't get me wrong, I was glad of the respite from the anxiety I was feeling, but the 'cloudyness' in my head and the fact I felt like I kept falling asleep for a few minutes and I couldn't do anything to stop it, that was a weird feeling."

"That's fair enough" Hiram nodded, "and you're right. Half a pill might be enough to take the edge off your anxiety without knocking you out, and you can always take the other half if you feel you need to." he nodded before asking, "are you going to be okay to drive later?"

"I think so" Shelby nodded, "but can I let you know for sure later?"

"Of course, neither Leroy or I have any plans for today, so just say if you need one of us for anything."

"Thanks. Would I be able to use your basement later to do some yoga? Rachel said it would be okay but…"

"You don't need to ask Shelby, of course you can."

"Thank you" Shelby took a sip of her tea as she sat down at the table.

Hiram smiled as he watched her, she seemed a little tense and anxious, but nothing like she had been the day before, and the fact she was thinking about doing some yoga later reassured him slightly too. "Do you want anything to eat?" he regretted the question almost as soon as he'd asked it, not wanting to upset Shelby. He didn't upset her, in fact he was pleasantly surprised when she nodded.

"Could I have some toast please?" she asked, "only if you don't mind?"

"Of course not, one slice or two?"

"Just one please. I erm, I haven't got much of an appetite."

"Okay" Hiram dropped a slice of bread into the toaster, "that's fine."

Hiram sat with Shelby as she ate breakfast, they started off making small talk, but their conversation soon turned to Rachel, Hiram only too happy to share stories of Rachel's childhood, mostly moments where the girl had done things that had instantly reminded Hiram and Leroy of Shelby.

She was pleasantly surprised when she finished the whole slice of toast, and for once it didn't feel like a lump of concrete in the pit of her stomach. She turned down Hiram's offer of a second slice with a 'maybe later' not sure she would be able to manage another, but she thanked Hiram when he stood anyway, pouring her a glass of water and handing her her antidepressants, something that, for a second day, had slipped Shelby's mind.

She sat with Hiram for a while before excusing herself, changing into a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, pulling back her hair before heading down to the basement. Hiram smiled as he saw her, letting her know he'd be working in the office if she needed anything, wanting her to know he wouldn't be disturbing her.

Like Rachel had, Shelby found a YouTube video to follow, this one more challenging than the beginner one she'd done with her daughter, and, as she hit play, she forced herself to empty her mind, to focus on nothing but her breathing and the stretch of her body as she moved from one position to the next.

She found herself crying in child's pose at the end of the video, but she didn't mind, didn't even try to stop her tears, just stayed where she was, letting go of whatever her body felt like it needed to let go of.

Shelby stretched slightly when she felt ready to finally get up, slowly climbing the stairs and going to sit in the garden with her cigarettes, letting her mind wander and getting lost in her thoughts for a while, although if anyone asked, she wouldn't be able to pinpoint what exactly she was thinking about.

Once she'd finished her cigarette she made her way back up to her bedroom, her intention being to get changed so she could spend some time with Rachel between the girl getting home from her dance class and Shelby leaving for her appointment, but her weary body had other ideas, and when Hiram checked on her a while later, he found her fast asleep on top of the duvet.

It was the slam of the front door that woke Shelby from her slumber and she yawned and stretched out on the bed, frowning slightly as she found herself covered by a blanket she didn't remember using, a blanket Hiram had covered her with when he'd checked in on her.

She laid on the bed for a while as she let herself wake a little more before forcing herself to get up, knowing she couldn't lounge in bed all day, as much as she'd like to, so she made her way into the bathroom to freshen up a little and changed into a burgandy sweater dress with thick black tights, tying her hair back in a neat ponytail before making her way downstairs.

"Mom" Rachel's face lit up when she saw her, "Daddy said you were sleeping."

She nodded, "I did some yoga after you left for your dance class, I guess it was more strenuous than I thought" she smiled softly, "how was your dance class?"

"It was good" Rachel beamed, "we're rehearsing for a show next month, there was one part of the routine I was struggling with but I think I managed to get my head around it today."

"That's great" Shelby got herself a glass of water, pouring a second for her daughter after holding out a glass and getting a nod in response.

"Do you want to see it?" Rachel asked nervously, "my dance show I mean, Dad and Daddy are coming but I could get you a ticket too if you want?"

Shelby smiled, and reached to squeeze Rachel's hand, "I'd love to see your dance show."

She knew that was the right answer when she saw Rachel's face light up. "Really?"

"Absolutely" Shelby nodded.

"I'll be sure to get you a ticket" she promised.

Shelby smiled but she could tell there was still something on Rachel's mind, "is that all you wanted to ask?" she asked softly.

Rachel bit her lip, "I erm, I have an English assignment, I, I understand what's being asked but I'm not entirely sure how to go about answering it. You don't have to, but I wondered if you'd maybe give me a few pointers."

"Of course I will" Shelby nodded, "what's the point in having an English teacher for a Mom if you can't take advantage of that now and again" she winked. She didn't know if it was the yoga, the nap or the lingering effects of the valium she'd taken, but Shelby felt a lot better than she had in a while, and if she could make the most of that by spending time with her daughter then that's what she was going to do.

Rachel couldn't help but smile, her Mom seemed to be in a much better mood than she had been recently, and although Rachel knew it wouldn't last forever, she was happy to see her Mom not looking like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Shelby excused herself to go outside for a cigarette, and when she returned she found Rachel sheepishly stood by the table where two plates of salad were waiting, "I erm, I probably should have asked" she said nervously, "but I made you lunch."

"It looks lovely" Shelby smiled as she washed her hands, "thank you." She didn't have much of an appetite right now but she'd try and eat the salad, for Rachel's sake she'd try.

Once she'd eaten as much as she could manage, Rachel got out her homework, Shelby trying to treat Rachel like she would any other student, explaining things but encouraging her to think for herself and work out the answers on her own, giving her a few pointers and telling her the sort of thing she'd be looking for if she was marking this particular assignment.

By the time Shelby had to leave for her appointment, Rachel had managed to get her head around what was being asked from her and, with Shelby's help, she'd written out a detailed essay plan and Rachel was feeling more confident, "could you read through it when I've finished? Before I hand it in?" Rachel asked as Shelby stood to leave.

Shelby gently squeezed Rachel's shoulder and kissed her hair, "of course, I'll always look through your essays before you hand them in if you want me to, even if it isn't an English essay, I can check your spelling and your grammar and things, you only have to ask."

"Thank you" Rachel gathered up her things so she could go and start working on her essay in her bedroom, "I'll see you later?"

Shelby heard the uncertainty in Rachel's voice. "You will" she nodded, "I don't know when, but I promise you I will be back later."

She said her goodbyes to Rachel and let both Hiram and Leroy know she was leaving, reassuring Hiram she was fine to drive, before pulling on boots and her leather jacket and heading out to her car.

It was almost 6pm when Shelby walked back through the front door of the house that was beginning to feel like home. She'd taken a moment to smoke a cigarette on the front porch to give herself time to gather her thoughts before heading inside.

"Hey" she found Leroy in the kitchen, "I erm, I thought I'd let you know I'm back."

"Okay" Leroy smiled, "everything okay?" he asked, "can I get you a drink or anything?"

"Some juice would be nice" she nodded, "and I'm okay. Is, is Rachel okay? I know she was..." she shrugged, not sure how to explain how their daughter had been before she left.

"She was worried about you" Leroy said as he handed Shelby a glass, "she said you were vague about where you went, I think she was worried you wouldnt come back."

He didn't say as much but Shelby knew what he meant, 'Rachel was worried you were going to hurt yourself.' "I'm sorry" she sighed.

"You don't need to apologise" Leroy said quickly, "I just wanted to give you a heads up in case she's a bit clingy later."

"I'm still sorry" Shelby ran her index finger around the rim of the glass, "she was happy, you were all happy and then I turned up and… I'm meant to be the one worrying about her, not her about me."

"She's your daughter" Leroy stated simply, "she's your daughter and she loves you, she worries about Hiram when his mood drops too."

"I don't want her to worry about me though, if I go out without her."

"Then keep coming back" Leroy shrugged, "it's silly but that might be what it takes, you telling Rachel that you'll be back and then coming back, let her know that you're serious about this, that you're not going to disappear."

Shelby nodded, "there are some things I don't want her knowing about though."

"You don't have to give her the details, just let her know you're coming back, maybe send her a text when you're on your way home. Just until she gets her head around the idea and settles down a little."

Shelby nodded, "I usually do. But I do it as I'm leaving work, I wasn't at work so it didn't occur to me to text her. I just wish she didn't worry about me."

"We all worry about you Shelby. We just want you to be okay."

"I know" she whispered. "And I'm so grateful for everything all three of you have done for me."

"You don't need to thank us. You're family Shelby. We just want to help."

Shelby nodded, resisting the urge to thank the man again, "I erm, I might go and see Rachel, let her know I'm back."

"Okay" Leroy smiled, "if she starts asking questions you don't want to answer, tell her that, tell her there are some things you're not comfortable sharing with her, she'll understand." Shelby nodded again, feeling slightly reassured by his words, not wanting to offend Rachel by keeping things from her, but at the same time, not wanting to discuss certain things with her daughter. "But just so you know" Leroy told Shelby, "if you do want to talk about anything, Hiram and I won't share anything with Rachel without your permission."

"I erm… I'd appreciate that" Shelby nodded, feeling like she needed to decompress a little, "maybe later? I'll go and talk to Rachel and I feel like I need to shower too, but later?" she asked, hoping he'd allow her to talk about what was on her mind.

"Whenever you're ready" Leroy nodded, "We'll be watching TV when you want us. And if you want one of us to leave, if you don't want to talk to us both, then that's fine."

Shelby nodded, "I appreciate that, thank you" she said as she picked up her juice and went upstairs to speak to her daughter.

"Mom" Rachel smiled after Shelby knocked on her open door, "you're back."

Shelby nodded and smiled, "I said I would be."

"Are you… are you okay?"

Shelby nodded, "can I…" she gestured into the room, stepping inside when Rachel nodded. "I'm okay" she sat in Rachel's desk chair, putting her juice down on the desk before moving the chair closer to the bed, "I'm fine" she said sincerely, "I just had an appointment to go to, it's nothing to worry about, it was just a check up."

Rachel nodded, "I'm sorry, I just…"

"You worry about me, I understand" Shelby smiled, "now, I want to have a shower and I need to talk to your Dads, but how about we watch a movie or something after that?" she suggested, wondering if spending time with her daughter would help settle the teen's mind.

"In your bed?" Rachel asked hopefully.

"Sure" Shelby smiled, "why don't you get ready for bed and I'll bring us a hot chocolate up when I've spoken to your Dads."

"With vegan marshmallows?"

Shelby smiled, "of course" she nodded. Reaching out to squeeze Rachel's hand before heading to the guest bathroom to shower.


	18. Chapter 18

Shelby decided to dress in her pyjamas after her shower she was planning on getting into bed after speaking to Hiram and Leroy, and she didn't plan on moving again once she was in bed. She felt her hands shaking as she picked up her hairdryer, not entirely sure that telling Hiram and Leroy where she'd been was a good idea.

She was torn, half expecting the men to be disgusted by what she told them, half wanting to tell them anyway, just to get it off her chest. "Get yourself together" she told herself as she met her own gaze in the mirror, reasoning with herself that the worst they could do was ask her to leave, and she could just go back to her apartment and… she shook her head as her thoughts turned to exactly what she'd do if she went back to her apartment. She hated this, hated how she always doubted herself, hated how she felt like she was constantly second guessing herself. Hiram and Leroy had never judged her before, they'd supported her not only through the highs, but the lows of her pregnancy too. Of course they'd wanted to hear about their daughter's little hiccups, wanted to feel her kicking, but they'd wanted to know about the bad things too, the constipation, the trapped wind, the backacke. "If we don't know about the bad things we can't try and make them any better" they'd told her, and she'd quickly become comfortable telling them anything and everything, and she supposed things should be the same now.

The men had been nothing but loving and caring towards her when she'd been pregnant, there had been several times in the final weeks of her pregnancy when Shelby had only been able to find comfort in the warm water of the bath tub, but her bump had made getting into and out of the tub almost impossible, so Leroy had simply lifted her in and out without judgement or question, and they'd been by her side through every second of her labour, from Leroy holding her hair back as she vomited at home, to Hiram holding her hand as she got stitches after Rachel had been taken to be checked over. The two men had seen her physically at her worst back then, and they'd shown nothing to suggest they'd be any different now, when she was mentally at her worst.

Shelby was surprised to find herself halfway down the stairs. She didn't remember leaving her room, "better just get it over and done with I suppose" she sighed, running her hands through her hair before making her way into the living room.

"Hi" Hiram smiled, knowing instantly that Shelby was beating herself up over something, "Leroy said you might want to talk to us".

Shelby nodded, sitting in the armchair as Leroy came into the room, "I don't expect any advice, and I understand if this makes you feel differently about me. About me seeing Rachel, but I feel like I need to tell someone, I need to get it off my mind and decompress a little."

"Shelby" Leroy said softly, "unless you tell us you went out to murder someone, we won't stop you seeing Rachel. And you can tell us anything, we're not going to judge you Shelby."

"I went to see my gynecologist" Shelby told the men, curling her knees up to her chest, "I…" she looked to the ceiling, trying to stop her tears. "I, I've been drinking, probably…definitely more than I should" she said honestly, "It was before I came here, but I erm, a few times, more than a few times, I hooked up with any man who seemed vaguely interested in me, I… I want to say that I wasn't thinking but I was, I knew what I was doing, I was hoping that some random stranger might fill the gaping hole in my heart, I thought sex might be enough to stop me thinking about, well, everything. I know I didn't need to worry about any unplanned pregnancies but I…" she took a shaky breath, "I wasn't always safe, so I thought I probably needed to get checked out for anything else."

The men both understood why Shelby didn't want Rachel to know the nature of her appointment, "and is everything okay?" Hiram asked, "or do you need to wait for the results."

"A few tests were instant, they came back negative, I should have the other results by the end of the week" Shelby told them, "but they said I should go back again in three to six months and get checked again just to be sure."

"I'm glad to hear that" Leroy nodded, Hiram voicing his agreement.

"Do you…" Hiram paused, gathering his thoughts, "I know you've been honest about how your coping mechanisms haven't been healthy, but do you think this might be worth bringing up in one of your therapy sessions?"

Shelby nodded, "yeah, probably, but it's…" she let her chin rest on her knees, not for the first time reminding Hiram and Leroy of how similar she and Rachel were. "I was lonely, I felt like I was all alone, I… I just wanted to feel, no matter how briefly, I wanted to feel like someone cared about me, like someone wanted me and I, I don't feel like that anymore."

"Good" Leroy smiled, "because you're not on your own, we care about you and we want you here with us, although if you're wanting… I'm not sure that's something either of us can help you with I'm afraid."

Shelby chuckled quietly, "no, I… I'm done with that. I don't… my relationship with Rachel's the most important thing."

"She's so happy to have you here." Hiram smiled, "I'm sure we all wish that it had come under better circumstances, but she's still over the moon that she's able to get to know you."

Shelby nodded, "I told her we could watch a movie together, I thought it might help her relax a little if we spent some time together."

"It will" Leroy agreed, "just knowing you're here will help a lot."

"Why don't you go up to her?" Hiram suggested, "I'll bring you both a hot chocolate up in a minute."

Shelby smiled and nodded, "I told her I'd make us one, but if you don't mind…"

"Of course not. I take it you'll be in your room?"

Shelby nodded, "yeah, Rachel asked if we could watch the movie in my bed."

"Okay, you go and get the movie started" Hiram smiled, "I'll be up in a minute with your drinks."

Rachel was combing through her wet hair after her shower when Shelby came upstairs, "do you want a hand?" she asked nervously as she stood in the doorway to Rachel's room.

Rachel met Shelby's gaze in the mirror of her dressing table, "that would be nice" she said as she offered Shelby her comb, "thank you."

Shelby stood behind Rachel, silently running the comb through her hair, "do you blowdry it or…?" she asked once all the knots were out of the girl's hair.

"No" Rachel shook her head, "if I shower at night, I usually just braid it and then wear it wavy the next day."

"Okay" Shelby nodded, carefully beginning to braid Rachel's hair for her, thanking her when she was passed a band to secure the bottom of the braid, "is that okay?"

Rachel smiled at the action. It was something that so many girls would take for granted, but having her Mom brush and braid her hair meant the world to Rachel, "it's great, thank you" she stood and wrapped her arms around Shelby, hugging her tightly.

Shelby was stunned for a moment before returning the hug, "you're welcome" she smiled, "do you want to go pick a movie? Your Daddy said he'd make our hot chocolate and bring them up."

"Okay" Rachel wasn't even thinking as she took Shelby's hand as they walked into the guest room, "can we watch Mary Poppins?"

Shelby smiled at the feel of her daughter's hand in her own and she squeezed it gently as she nodded, "of course."

It wasn't long before there was a gentle tap on the open door and Hiram walked in with a tray in his hands, "here we go" he smiled, handing them both a mug, "I made you some popcorn too" he handed over the bowl which Shelby set down between herself and her daughter, "and you missed dinner so I made you a sandwich" he told Shelby, knowing that she'd go without otherwise.

"Thank you" Shelby smiled, she wasn't really hungry, never seemed to have much of an appetite anymore but she appreciated Hiram making it for her, and she'd try to eat it, if only so Rachel didn't worry.

"It's okay" Hiram smiled. "You two enjoy your movies, you know where we are if you want anything."

Neither Hiram or Leroy were surprised when they checked in on Shelby and Rachel their own way to bed, to find they'd fallen asleep curled into one another, Shelby sleeping better with Rachel in her arms than she ever did alone. Leroy moved the bowl of popcorn from the middle of the bed as Hiram took the tray, noticing that Shelby had managed to eat half the sandwich he'd made for her.

"Do you think they're comfortable?" Leroy asked as he saw how Shelby and Rachel had curled into each other, still half sat up against the pillows.

Hiram smiled as he took in how close Shelby was holding her daughter, how Rachel had her head on Shelby's chest, holding her Mom's arm around her as if she was scared Shelby was going to leave her, Shelby's body curled around Rachel, her cheek against Rachel's hair. "They look it" he nodded, "let's not wake them" he said as he straightened the covers and kissed Rachel's cheek, turning off the TV as Leroy flicked off the light, leaving just the small side light in case Shelby or Rachel woke in the night.

"Are you okay?" Leroy asked once he and Hiram were in their bedroom.

Hiram nodded, "Shelby, she always holds Rachel so closely when she's asleep, but when she's awake, it's almost like she's scared to love her."

"I know" Leroy nodded, "I think she's still scared about letting Rachel down or hurting her in some way, but she's getting better I think, it was Shelby's idea for them to watch a movie tonight, Shelby told Rachel she can share her bed whenever she likes. She's struggling and she's been thrown this whole 'Mom' thing out of the blue, I think it's only natural that it takes her a while to learn how to balance everything, to get used to being a Mom as well as dealing with everything else."

"I suppose you're right" Hiram nodded, agreeing that Shelby was getting better at being Rachel's mom, that the time together seemed less forced than it had when he'd first seen them together, Shelby seemed to be relaxing into motherhood, but it had only been a couple of weeks and she was still finding her feet.

"Always am" Leroy smiled, "they'll get there" he promised, "we'll keep supporting them, keep encouraging them to bond. They've got a lot of time to catch up on, they're not going to bond overnight, we just have to let them both, Shelby especially, take it at their pace."

"I don't think I've ever regretted anything as much as I regret asking Shelby to sign that contract" Hiram sighed.

"You and me both" Leroy nodded, "but we can't change that, we can only make sure that they get the chance to develop their bond now and in the future, and from the way Shelby was holding Rachel just now, I think they're well on their way."

Rachel was still tucked into Shelby's chest when she woke on Sunday morning and she smiled to herself, nuzzling closer to Shelby and making herself comfortable, happy to stay where she was, at least until her Mom woke.

Shelby had barely woken when she felt it, the ball of anxiety in the pit of her stomach, the looming feeling of dread hanging over her like a black cloud, and she screwed her eyes shut, wishing she could just turn off her brain as she forced herself to take some deep breaths, there was absolutely no way she was going to let her anxiety overwhelm her, not when Rachel was right there.

"Mom?" Rachel frowned, "are you okay?" she sat up, having both felt, and heard the change in her Mom's breathing.

Shelby took another shaky breath, "when we, when I first came to stay here, we went for a walk" Rachel nodded, "you suggested we could run together?"

"Yeah, we can if you want."

"Can we, can we go out after breakfast?" Shelby asked, wondering if she'd be able to outrun her anxiety.

"Sure" Rachel nodded, "I have a 5k route around the park if you want to give that a go?"

"Yeah" Shelby held out her arms, relieved when Rachel shuffled back into her embrace, she wanted, needed to ground herself before things got out of control, and she knew having Rachel close would help with that, "don't go easy on me though" she said with a small smile, not wanting to tell her daughter that she needed to push herself, needed to feel the ache in her lungs and the burn in her muscles.

"Okay" Rachel smiled as she curled back into Shelby's side, "if that's what you want."

Shelby nodded, focusing on the lines she was tracing along Rachel's back with her fingertips as she admitted, "I'm feeling a little anxious this morning, I thought maybe the run would help."

"I hope so" Rachel nuzzled into Shelby before kissing her cheek, "do you want to go get some breakfast?"

Shelby took a deep breath and nodded, "sure." She wasn't hungry at all but she knew running 5k on an empty stomach wasn't a good idea, and probably something Rachel wouldn't let her do.

"Morning" Hiram and Leroy were already in the kitchen when Shelby and Rachel came downstairs, Shelby's hand held tightly in Rachel's.

"Good morning Dad, Daddy" Rachel kissed them both on the cheek before turning to Shelby, "what would you like to eat Mom?"

"I erm… I'll get some toast or something in a minute, I'm just going to..." she picked up her cigarettes.

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "see you in a minute."

"Rachel" Hiram heard his daughter sigh, "what's wrong?"

"Mom, she said she's feeling anxious, she just woke up like that, last night she was fine but this morning she…" Rachel gestured out of the window to where Shelby was sat on the patio, lost in her thoughts as she smoked her cigarette.

"Do you want me to try and talk to her?" Hiram asked.

Rachel shrugged, "maybe later? She asked if we could go out for a run together after breakfast."

"That's good" Hiram nodded, "but I know you're worrying about her, so why don't we go into the living room when you've got your breakfast? Then when Shelby comes in she can talk to your dad if she wants to?" he suggested, knowing Shelby sometimes opened up to Leroy in the mornings before everyone else was up.

Rachel nodded," can we watch cartoons?" she asked with a smile as she took a banana from the fruit bowl to slice onto her cereal.

"Of course we can" Hiram chuckled, it had been their Sunday morning routine when Rachel had been younger, Leroy would get up to take her to dane classes on Saturday, and Hiram would get up with her on a Sunday morning and they'd eat breakfast together and watch cartoons until Leroy woke, they hadn't done it in a while and, if he was honest, Hiram was looking forward to doing it again, "you go through and find something to watch, I'll just get another coffee and then come join you."

"Okay Daddy" Rachel poured herself a glass of orange juice before taking her cereal into the living room and leaving Hiram alone with his husband.

"Sorry" he looked up at Leroy, "I've sort of dropped you in that, do you mind…"

Leroy kissed Hiram to silence him, "it's okay, of course I don't mind talking to Shelby" he took Hiram's mug and filled it with coffee for him before getting out another mug to make Shelby a coffee, "you go get your cartoon and caffeine fix" he winked, kissing his husband again before sending him off in the direction of the living room."Only you would smoke a cigarette and then go for a run" Leroy winked as Shelby came back into the kitchen, dropping her cigarettes on the side and washing her hands. He hoped Shelby would take his joke as he meant it, that her anxiety wouldn't convince her that it was a dig.

Shelby shrugged, thanking him as she took the coffee he offered her, "maybe the run will cancel out the cigarette" she smiled weakly.

"Maybe it will" Leroy returned the smile, he could see how hard Shelby was trying, knew just how much she wanted to beat this, how much she wanted to be okay.

"I..." Shelby shook her head, "it doesn't matter".

"Are you sure?" Leroy prompted.

Shelby sighed and ran her index finger around the rim of her mug, "I know I should stop, what's the point in fighting to better my mental health if I'm just going to give myself lung cancer but I don't know if I could,it, it..."

"You're already dealing with a lot and that just feels like one thing too much?"

"Yeah" Shelby opened the breadbin and dropped a single slice of bread in the toaster, "something like that."

"Are you okay?" Leroy asked, "Rachel said you'd told her you were feeling anxious, is there anything we can do to help?"

Shelby shook her head, taking a slice of the dry toast when it popped up, not bothering with a plate, "I…" she shrugged, "it just happens sometimes, I wake up feeling like the world's going to implode and I, I just want to hide under the covers and not come out. I don't know if it's just one of those days or if I'm still on edge after the other night. Either way hiding in bed isn't really an option when Rachel's around."

"You know she'd probably just hide with you?" Leroy said with a sad smile.

"She shouldn't have to though" Shelby said as she finished her toast and moved to take her antidepressants, "I've asked her if she'll go for a run with me, either I'll be able to run it off or…"

"Or…?"

Shelby swallowed the pill with the last of her coffee, "or at least the run will make be focus on my breathing enough to keep the panic attack I can feel looming over me at bay."

"Are things this bad often?" Leroy asked as he offered to make Shelby another coffee.

She shook her head, "no, the panic attack the other night was the worst one I've ever had" she said honestly, "but I have had them before and they seem to come in batches, I can go weeks, months without one and then something will happen and I'll have three in a week, it's…" she searched for the right word for a while before shrugging again, "exhausting."

"It sounds it. But if there's ever anything Hiram or I can do…"

"I know" Shelby smiled, "thank you."

Leroy reached for Shelby's hand, "you're not on your own Shelby, whatever's going on, you're not on your own anymore".

"I know" Shelby gently squeezed Leroy's hand, "I appreciate it, I really do. I erm, I should go and get changed."

"Okay" Leroy gently squeezed Shelby's hand, "but promise me something?" Shelby nodded, not sure what Leroy wanted her to do but feeling like, after everything they'd done for her, she should do whatever he asked, "if you're going out for a run, will you promise me you'll eat something more substantial than a single slice of bread when you get back."

Shelby nodded, understanding his request. "I will" she nodded, "I promise."

"Thank you" Leroy smiled, "I'll leave you to go and get changed then".

Shelby walked into the living room, smiling slightly when she saw Rachel and Hiram watching cartoons together, "I'm going to go and get changed" she told her daughter, "there's no rush though, whenever you're ready."

Rachel smiled and jumped to her feet, "I'll come and get changed too" she said, thanking Hiram when he told her he'd take her bowl into the kitchen.

Shelby changed into running leggings and a sports bra before looking down at her arm, sighing when she saw the jagged line that ran almost the whole length of her forearm, "why are you always so stupid?" she mumbled to herself, screwing up the tank top she had in her hand and throwing it into the back of the wardrobe before taking out a long sleeved tshirt instead, quickly pulling it on so she didn't have to look at her arm any longer.

She was tying her hair back when Rachel knocked gently on her door and she invited her inside, smiling when she saw her daughter wearing a similar outfit to hers only Rachel had on a white tshirt over her leggings. "Are you ready?"

Shelby tucked the ends of her ponytail into the band to keep them off her neck, "yeah, I just need to grab my sneakers" she said, pulling them from the bottom of the wardrobe, sitting on the bed to slip them on. "Okay, I'm good."

Hiram was waiting at the bottom of the stairs when they came down, handing them both a bottle of water, "have a good run" he smiled, kissing Rachel's cheek and squeezing Shelby's arm.

They made light conversation as they walked to the park, Rachel admitting that she used the walk as the warm up for her run. "Are you ready?" she asked as they reached the park.

Shelby nodded, "yeah, and just go at your normal pace, don't feel like you need to go any slower on my account" she reminded her.

"Okay" Rachel smiled, "let's go."

At first Shelby was pleasantly surprised that she managed to keep up with Rachel, but it soon became clear that Rachel was much fitter than she was. It had been a long time since Shelby had done anything more than yoga, and her smoking habit didn't help either and they were less than 2km into their run when Shelby felt herself beginning to flag, but she continued to push herself, pushed past the burning in her lungs, continued to drag her legs along even though they felt like they were made of lead, she'd wanted it to hurt and it was hurting, she was going to keep going, she wasn't going to stop.

"Okay?" Rachel asked when she saw Shelby beginning to slow.

"Mhm" Shelby wasn't sure she could speak without vomiting, Rachel had barely broken a sweat and yet she felt like she was about to collapse and die.

"Want to slow down?"

Shelby shook her head, "keep going" she panted, "I can do it".

She collapsed on a bench at the end of the run in no doubt that it was the fastest 5k she'd run since she was in the track team in high school. "Mom?" Rachel frowned as Shelby began to cough.

Shelby shook her head and dismissively waved her hand, unscrewing her water and taking a sip, "I, I'm okay" she panted, "do you… do you time yourself?"

Rachel nodded and glanced at her watch, "28.37."

"Not bad" Shelby sipped at her water bottle as she began to find breathing slightly easier.

Rachel sat beside Shelby and drank her n water, "my pb is 27.51, I was hovering around 28 minutes and I wanted to try and get under that so I pushed myself really hard one run, I haven't done it since" she chuckled.

Shelby smiled as she caught her breath, "when I was on the track team in high school I managed 25 minutes a couple of times but I don't think I'd be able to do it now."

"Wow, that's amazing! I don't think I'd ever be able to run that fast."

Shelby smiled, "I started athletics in middle school so I'd had a lot of practice, I used to hurdle too."

"Wow, I thought you'd have been all about show choir and dance class."

"I was" Shelby smiled as she slowly straightened up a little now her lungs didn't feel like they were about to rip out of her chest, "I did gymnastics and dance in middle school, but then my gymnastics teacher stopped teaching and. I don't know, I wanted to fill the gap with something and athletics fitted in with everything else so I gave it a go and I really enjoyed it."

"We can make this a regular thing if you want?" Rachel offered, "maybe a little slower next time?"

Shelby shook her head, "I don't mind" she told Rachel, "maybe we could just run 3k though and walk the rest?"

Rachel nodded, "sounds good to me." She looked at Shelby, "are you ready to head back."

"Yeah" Shelby finished her water, "I promised your Dad I'd eat something when I got back but I definitely need to shower before I do anything."

"Okay" Rachel held out her hand to help her Mom to her feet. "Maybe grab a banana or something when we get in and then we can get something else when we've both showered."

"Yeah" Shelby smiled, noticing how Rachel hadn't let go of her hand, "that sounds good to me."


	19. Chapter 19

Aliyah01 - Shelby's eating, or lack of, is definitely something I'll be exploring further, it's mentioned briefly in this chapter but it will be talked about in more detail later on.

I've had a couple of people say they'd like to see Shelby 'mothering' or comforting Rachel, I have an idea for how I could set that up but it would involve me using Will as the 'bad guy' again, is that something you'd be okay with or would you rather I came up with something else?

* * *

Shelby flopped onto her bed after her shower, she was exhausted, wasn't sure if her legs would ever work again, could feel the muscles in her thighs twitching randomly from the exertion. She'd put her robe on after her shower so, when she heard a gentle knock on her door, she pulled the blanket up over her legs before calling for them to come in. She'd expected it to be Rachel so she was surprised to find Leroy stepping through the door, "I will eat something" she told him, "I just…"

"Shelby" he stopped her, "it's not, I believe you, I didn't come to talk to you about that.

And anyway…" he gestured to the banana skin on the bedside table, "you've already eaten something" he smiled, "but I went out when you were on your run. I got you these" he told her as he held out a bag from the pharmacy down the street. Shelby frowned and opened the bag, her frown growing when she pulled out nicotine patches and gum. "You don't have to stop immediately, you don't have to stop at all if you don't want to, and I'm sorry if you, if I've crossed a line, but I thought that if you had these then you could stop whenever you feel ready."

Shelby smiled at the thought, "I… thank you."

"Like I said, you don't have to use them, but if you feel ready to stop, well, I thought this might be easier than you quitting cold turkey."

Leroy didn't stay much longer, leaving so Shelby could get dressed, Shelby promising him she'd be down soon. She laid back down on the bed once Leroy had left, her gaze drifting to the bag on the bedside table. '_You really struggled with that run_' the voice in her head reminded her, '_you're unfit but you're not that unfit. That coughing fit you had wasn't due to a lack of fitness either. Just do it. If you can go to therapy and sort the mess in your head out for Rachel's sake then you should be able to stop smoking for her too_.'

She reached for the bag and took out the box of nicotine patches, sighing quietly as she read the back of the box before opening it up and pulling out the more detailed information leaflet. It took her a while, she read through the leaflet and then spent a while talking herself into it, she didn't know why she was so reluctant, she knew what she was doing was for the best, but for a reason she couldn't identify, she was still reluctant to stop. '_Just try it for today_' the voice in her head suggested, '_see if you can get through the rest of today without another cigarette. They're only downstairs, you can still have one if you need one_.' Eventually she just went for it, reminding herself that she still had her cigarettes, she could still go for a smoke if she wanted to, as she stuck the small square of plastic to her left thigh, quickly pulling on a pair of sweatpants, hoping that she'd forget all about it if she couldn't see it. She pulled on a sweatshirt too before opening the gum, reading through the information that came with that, pushing the paper back in the box as she snapped off a row of the pouches of gum, pushing them into her pocket before making her way downstairs.

"Mom" Rachel beamed as Shelby walked into the kitchen, "you were ages, I thought you might have needed a nap or something" she teased.

Shelby laughed, "not yet, but I'm not going to promise that I'll be awake all afternoon" she said honestly before glancing over to her daughter, "what are you making?" she asked.

"Avocado toast" Rachel gestured to the bowl where she was mashing up an avocado, "there's plenty if you want some."

Shelby bit her lip slightly before nodding, she wasn't particularly hungry but she'd promised Leroy she'd eat, and she knew Rachel would worry if she didn't, "that would be nice, thank you."

"Okay" Rachel took out the bread, "one slice or two?"

"Just one please."

Rachel dropped three slices of wholemeal bread into the toaster, topping them with the avocado once they were ready, "here you go" she handed Shelby a plate and some cutlery, "do you want tea or coffee or anything?" she offered.

Shelby shook her head, "I'll just get myself a glass of water thanks. Do you want anything?"

"Water would be good" Rachel put her plate down beside Shelby's on the table, "thanks Mom."

Shelby couldn't stop the corners of her mouth curling into a soft smile when she heard Rachel call her Mom, didn't think she'd ever get sick of hearing it, "you're welcome Rach.

They moved through to the living room once they'd eaten, finding Hiram and Leroy chatting on the couch, "hey" they both smiled when they saw Rachel and Shelby, "good run?" Hiram asked.

"Yeah" Rachel smiled as she flopped down between her fathers, "it made a nice change from my elliptical. I don't know if Mom would agree though."

There it was again, those three letters that made Shelby's heart swell with love. "She's fast" Shelby chuckled.

"Did you know Mom was on the track team in high school?" Rachel asked her fathers, both men shaking their head in response, "she hurdled and she said she ran 5k in 25 minutes a couple of times!"

"Yeah, don't think I could manage it now though" Shelby said as she crossed the room, curling herself up in the armchair and pulling the blanket around herself as she had done so many times since she'd moved in. She didn't know why she found it so comforting but she did, and it wasn't long before she lost track of the conversation going on around her and found herself slowly falling asleep.

Hiram smiled sadly when he saw Shelby had fallen asleep, briey wondering just how long she'd been running on empty, how exhausted she must be to fall asleep almost every time she sat down. He remembered from his own struggle, the seemingly endless nights of laying wide awake, mentally working out how much sleep you'd get if you fell asleep right that minute, the days when you had absolutely zero energy but had to put on a happy face and try and get on with your life, had to pretend like everything was okay when every action felt like it took everything you had. He sighed sadly, at least she was getting some rest now.

She slept for almost two hours, frowning slightly as she opened her eyes. "You fell asleep" Hiram told her softly, "you're okay."

Shelby nodded, shaking her head to try and clear her head of sleep and wake herself up a little, "where's…"

"Rachel?" Shelby nodded, "she's in her room finishing off her homework. Leroy's working in the office." Shelby nodded again, struggling to rid herself of the fatigue she felt rolling over her body, "why don't you go to bed if you're still tired?"

Shelby shook her head and stretched before tucking her limbs back under the blanket. "I struggle to fall asleep as it is anyway, if I go to bed now I'll be up all night."

"Do you want a coffee?" it was a rare offer from Hiram, he knew caffeine always worsened his anxiety when things were bad, so he usually opted to make tea for Shelby.

She nodded and pushed herself to her feet, "I'm going to go out for..." she stopped herself saying she was going out for a cigarette when she remembered she was trying to go without, "I'll make one on my way out" she nodded.

"Okay" Hiram smiled, watching as Shelby folded the blanket and placed it back over the armchair, happy that she seemed to feel at home with them.

Shelby glanced over at the side as she made her coffee, eyes falling on her cigarettes, fingers itching to pick them up and take them outside with her, '_just today_' the voice in her head encouraged her, '_try and go without today and then have one in the morning_.' She closed her eyes as she picked up her mug, caffeine and nicotine gum would have to do for now.

As always she took her seat at the patio table, putting down her mug and taking a piece of gum from her pocket, popping it from the blister pack before putting it in her mouth. She found strange comfort in the repetitive motion of chewing the gum and then using her tongue to push it between her gum and cheek, it wasn't the same as having a cigarette, but she supposed it would have to do.

She ran her hands through her hair, sighing at the amount of strands that came out between her fingers, it was the same every time she brushed or washed her hair, and she knew it probably had a lot to do with how little she'd been eating recently, knew that her poor eating habits probably contributed to her constant lack of energy too but she felt powerless to do anything about it. She knew she could talk about it, she could tell Hiram or Leroy or even her therapist, but she knew they'd ask why she wasn't eating and she didn't have an answer for that. Her appetite had been none existent for a while, but some days she managed to force herself to eat, some days all it took was one bite of food to remind her how ravenous she was, but other days, every mouthful sat like a tonne of bricks in her stomach. There was always the worry too that, if she did mention it to someone, they'd think she was doing it on purpose, that she was choosing not to eat, and she didn't want that, not after… she shook her head, she didn't want to think about that, couldn't think about it, no, she just had to keep going, had to keep forcing her body to take food it didn't particularly want. '_For Rachel_' the voice in her head reminded her, '_you're doing this for Rachel_.'

Shelby found herself so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realise how long she'd been sat outside, didn't hear the back door opening or the footsteps walking towards her. She didn't even realise how cold she was until she felt the thick blanket from the back of the armchair being draped over her shoulders and she jumped slightly before looking up to see Leroy sitting in the chair beside her, placing another mug of coffee in front of her along with a protein bar, "you've been out here for nearly an hour" he told her, "and you slept through lunch."

Shelby nodded but made no attempt to reach for either the coffee or the protein bar. "Thanks."

Leroy smiled, "I noticed your cigarettes are on the kitchen side…"

"Yeah, I…" Shelby frowned and took the gum from her mouth, she'd completely forgotten about it, chewing it for so long it was like a tiny ball of rubber. She gestured vaguely to it before dropping it into the ashtray than had found a home on the table.

"You didn't have to stop immediately" Leroy reached for Shelby's hand, rubbing it between his when he felt how cold it was, "that's not why I bought you the gum and the patches."

"I know and I…" she sighed, "I just wanted to see if I could do it, I keep telling myself that it's just for today, if I want a cigarette in the morning I can have one."

"I sense a 'but' there."

Shelby nodded, "if I get through today, no matter how much I might want one in the morning, I know I won't let myself have one."

"You know it's okay if you do" Leroy told her, "right now, it's okay if you need that crutch to get you through the day."

"And what about when it stops being okay for me to need it?"

Leroy hated how hard Shelby always seemed to be on herself and wished, not for the first time, that she was able to step outside her body, to see herself how others saw her, "it won't. Yes smoking is unhealthy, yes it has negative side effects but there are much worse vices you could have Shelby. If, right now, smoking is helping you, then that's okay, you can think about stopping when you're feeling better, when you're not struggling so much." Shelby nodded but said nothing," would you like me to fetch them for you?"

She shook her head, "I want to get through the rest of today without one."

"Okay" Leroy didn't push her, but he reached out to gently stroke her back, "why don't we go back inside hey? You're freezing, and Rachel's back downstairs, we could all watch a movie or something."

"Yeah" Shelby gave Leroy an obviously forced smile, "that would be good."

Nobody was surprised when Shelby curled herself up in the armchair on her return to the living room, and Hiram and Leroy weren't particularly surprised when Rachel moved to join her, the teen curling into Shelby's side in the large chair, what did surprise them though was the way Shelby gently tugged on Rachel's thigh, encouraging her daughter to lay her legs over her own, the way they'd been when they'd napped together a few days earlier, and they couldn't help but smile at Rachel's happy little sigh as Shelby shifted to open the blanket wrapped around her shoulders so she could tuck Rachel up with her, cradling her like an infant. "I love you Mom" Rachel murmured as her head fell onto Shelby's shoulder.

Shelby smiled and gently ghosted her lips over Rachel's forehead before whispering, "I love you too Rach."She was surprised when Rachel fell asleep in her arms less than half an hour later, "she was teasing me earlier" she said as she turned slightly towards Hiram and Leroy, "I took a while to come down after my shower and she said she thought I'd needed a nap. It turns out I'm not the only one."

"She never really naps. She never has" Hiram told her, "from being about eight or nine months old it was just several quick cat naps, like she was too scared to miss anything. The only time she'd have a good nap was if we were on a long drive and she'd nod off in the car."

"I bet that was fun."

"Not the word I'd choose" Leroy laughed, "but she was a good baby, we'll have to find out the photo albums, let you see them."

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, glancing down at the teen sleeping against her chest, "I'd like that."

"I think we've got the home videos somewhere too" Hiram added, "we'll have to get those put on DVD to show you too we've got her first dance recital, things like that, she's always been just like you."

Leroy excused himself to make a start on dinner when Rachel woke, but Rachel made no effort to move, content to stay in her Mom's arms for a while longer. In fact, Rachel only stood when Leroy announced that dinner was ready, "are you eating with us?" she asked Shelby, who'd made no attempt to move from the chair.

Shelby's initial instinct was to say no, she wasn't hungry, she really wasn't, even though she'd missed lunch she really wasn't hungry, she had no appetite, but when she saw the hopeful look in Rachel's eyes, she found herself nodding and allowing Rachel to take her hand and lead her into the kitchen.

"It's chicken with potatoes and vegetables" Leroy told Shelby, "or a butternut squash and chickpea wellington if you don't want the chicken. Is that okay?" he wasn't sure if Shelby would be joining them or not, but when he'd seen her walking into the kitchen with Rachel he'd made a split second decision to leave everything in large serving bowls, allowing everyone to help themselves so Shelby didn't feel overwhelmed by a large plateful of food.

"Yeah" she nodded, "sounds great, thanks."

As expected, she didn't eat much, just picking at a little bit of chicken and a few vegetables, but she at least ate something which reassured Hiram and Leroy, but only slightly. She insisted on clearing the table once they'd finished eating, Rachel helping her with the dishes before Shelby excused herself, picking up her cigarettes and making her way out to the back yard. She had no intention of smoking one, but she didn't want Rachel to get suspicious, didn't want her daughter knowing she was trying to quit incase she failed.

"I think I'm going to go to bed" she said once she'd spent a while outside chewing another piece of gum, it was barely 7.30, but she was exhausted, and, despite knowing sleep was unlikely, she at least wanted to try.

She wasn't at all surprised when, a little after 10pm, she felt someone slipping into bed beside her and she rolled over, smiling softly when she saw Rachel, "I didn't mean to wake you" she apologised.

"You didn't" Shelby reached out and took Rachel's hand, "I haven't managed to fall asleep yet."

"Oh" Rachel frowned, "is there anything I can do?"

Shelby shook her head, "it sounds silly, but just being here is… I, I always seem to sleep better when you're here."

"Really?"

"Yeah" Shelby gently stroked her thumb over the back of Rachel's hand, "I think, I don't know, you being here obviously relaxes me enough to let me fall asleep."

"Then I'll keep sleeping in here" Rachel told her, "until you can figure out how to fall asleep on your own then I don't mind sleeping in here."

Shelby reached out with her free hand and stroked at Rachel's cheek, "you don't need to do that."

"I know but I'd like to" Rachel said softly, "I want to help."

They spoke for a little while longer, but once they settled down, once they turned out the light, Shelby quickly found herself following Rachel into slumber.

She'd set her alarm a little earlier the next morning, and, despite knowing what she was going to do later that day, she felt strangely calm as she washed and dressed, as always, the first one downstairs. She made herself a coffee and took it outside with a yoghurt, a banana and a piece of nicotine gum, '_just go without this one, make it to a nice round 24 hours and then have a cigarette in your free period_' she told herself as she put the gum into her mouth.

"Morning" Leroy was downstairs when Shelby came back into the kitchen, "did you…"

"I had a piece of gum" Shelby handed over her mug for Leroy to refill, "and put a fresh patch on."

"Shelby…"

She shook her head, "I, I'm managing" she told him, "I, I've started now, it… I, I feel like I've lost control of a lot of things recently, but this, it's something I'm in control of."

"Okay" he handed her mug back, "but you know none of us would judge you if it was too much right now?"

"You're the only one that knows" Shelby told him, I… "

"I won't say anything" Leroy promised.

As had become usual, Rachel stood when Shelby went to leave, stepping around the table and wrapping her Mom in a tight hug that Shelby was only too happy to return. "You're seeing your therapist today right?" Shelby asked, her guilt about Rachel needing a therapist something Shelby was working through in her own therapy sessions.

"Yeah" Shelby felt Rachel nod against her chest, "Daddy's taking me, my appointment is at 9.30."

Shelby thought for a moment before telling her daughter, "I have a meeting in my free period today, but I'm free at lunch, if you want to call me and talk about it… you don't have to of course, but if you do…"

"I can call you?" Rachel lifted her head from Shelby's face to look her in the eye, "really?"

"Really" Shelby nodded, "but only if it's what you want, I'd understand if you'd rather not."

"I'll see how it goes" Rachel said, her arms still wrapped around Shelby's waist, I erm, I might just want to talk about it tonight when we're home if that's okay?"

Shelby smiled softly and nodded, "like I said, it's up to you Rach, whatever you're most comfortable with." She brushed Rachel's hair from her face so she could kiss her forehead, "I need to go so I'm not late, I'll text you later, when I'm leaving Carmel?"

Rachel nodded, letting her head fall back against Shelby's chest for a second, "I'd appreciate that, thank you."

"Okay" Shelby kissed the top of Rachel's head before Rachel eventually pulled away from the hug to let her Mom go to work. "Have a good day."

"You too, I love you Mom."

Shelby thought nothing would ever make her happier than hearing Rachel call her Mom, she was wrong. Hearing Rachel say she loved her was a million times better than that, "I love you too" Shelby smiled, gently squeezing Rachel's arm as she picked up her lunch and the travel mug of coffee Leroy always made her for the drive to Carmel, saying her goodbyes to Hiram and Leroy before making her way out to her car.


	20. Chapter 20

Spawn - Shelby's last cigarette was before Leroy gave her the patches and the gum, I'm sorry if that wasn't clear. She keeps telling herself that she can have one 'later' but when 'later' comes around she makes an excuse and decides to have one even 'later' only to put it off again when that time comes, I hope that makes sense!

* * *

The principal at Carmel frowned slightly as his computer alerted him to the fact he had an appointment in ten minutes. That in itself wasn't unusual, it happened several times a day, but what confused him was that the notification said his appointment was with Shelby Corcoran. Shelby wasn't the sort of woman who'd make an appointment, her approach was usually to walk into his office and refuse to leave until she got what she wanted.

"Ms Corcoran, take a seat please" he gestured to the chairs opposite him after a gentle knock alerted him to her presence, something else that surprised him, he didn't think she'd ever knocked before. He took a brief moment to look at the woman in front of him, frowning again as he realised that she seemed different somehow, the fact she hadn't said anything, hadn't even made eye contact since she sat down worried him slightly, "what can I do for you?"

"I…" Shelby offered him a brown envelope, "I'd like to step down as VA coach" she said, sounding smaller than he'd ever known her before.

Now the principal really was confused and he opened the envelope, scanning over the letter, noticing Shelby stated 'personal reasons' for why she wanted to step down, and mentioned that she'd be happy to stay on until another coach could be found, "is this a temporary step down or a permanent one?"

Shelby sighed, "I think it has to be permanent. I couldn't… I don't think I'd be able to tell you if, or when I'd be able to take over the post again and that isn't fair on whoever takes over."

"Can I ask why you want to step down?" he asked, "confidentially of course" he could tell something bigger was going on with the woman in front of him and wanted to know if there was anything he could do.

"I've had a few days off recently" Shelby told him, another thing that had worried the man, until recently Shelby had never taken a sick day before, "and I haven't been honest about the nature of my absences."

"What do you mean?"

Shelby kept her gaze fixed on her lap, picking at the skin around her fingernails, "I've been struggling with my mental health for a long time now, I thought I was coping but I don't think I was. I… The three days I took off a couple of weeks ago, everything just seemed to fall apart around me with no warning and I, I think I was very lucky that a relative found me when they did. And on Friday, I didn't have a migraine, I don't really remember much but I've been told I had a panic attack on Thursday evening and I was still struggling the next morning. It's selfish but I don't think I can cope with the stress of coaching VA on top of everything else. They need a coach who can give their all to their practice and I'm afraid that I can't do that right now."

Shocked was an understatement and the principal stood, walking around his desk to sit beside Shelby, "admitting that you need to step back and take care of yourself is not selfish Shelby. It takes a strong person to be able to say 'I'm struggling and I need to take a step back and focus on my own wellbeing' and I appreciate you being honest with me about your mental health. Is there anything I, as your boss, or we, as a school, can do to make things easier?"

Shelby shook her head, "I erm, I've been seeing a therapist and I'm taking medication, I don't…" she sighed and shrugged, not even sure how she planned on finishing that sentence, not even sure if she should have admitted that to the principal.

"Do you need time off for your appointments?" The man frowned, wondering how he'd missed this, how Shelby had somehow managed to completely fall apart without anyone noticing.

She shook her head, "they're after school, but thank you."

"Well if that needs to change then you just let me know." He saw Shelby nod and asked her, "do you remember I took some time off at the end of the last academic year?" Shelby nodded again, she'd heard rumours and gossip about why the vice principal had suddenly taken over his job but she didn't pay much attention to them, was never really one for gossip. "It's not common knowledge, and I'd like it to stay that way, but I took the time off to support my family, and I needed to support my family because my oldest daughter was having inpatient treatment for her mental health, she was self harming and she was bulimic. Mental illnesses aren't uncommon Shelby, and they're nothing to be ashamed of. I won't name names obviously, but off the top of my head, I can think of at least three other staff members who take medication to help with their mental health, and there are probably several more I don't know about." He paused for a moment to get his thoughts in order, "what I'm trying to say is, mental illness affects a lot of people, if not personally then because it affects someone they know or love. Don't be ashamed of asking for help if you need it. If you're struggling Shelby, try and find the strength to reach out for someone. We'll be there for you for as long as you need us to be."

Shelby made her way to her office after she'd finished talking to the principal, there were still 20 minutes before her next class but she was exhausted, it wasn't even lunchtime yet and all she wanted to do was crawl back into bed. She was trying, felt like she spent every day trying to haul her weary body up a cliff face but she wasn't getting anywhere, if anything she felt like she was falling, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop herself.

She knew she'd promised herself a cigarette during her free period, but, as much as she wanted one, she didn't have the energy to walk the short distance out to the parking lot, so she dug her gum from her bag and put a piece in her mouth, 'lunchtime' she told herself, 'you can have a cigarette at lunchtime' she said, laying her head on her desk as she chewed the gum, wishing she could spend the rest of the day asleep.

Luckily her lesson plans for the rest of the morning involved her students getting on with work they'd already started, meaning Shelby didn't have to stand up and actually 'teach' anything, she just had to make sure they were getting on with their work and help anyone who had any questions or who was struggling.

She silently cursed the boy who stayed behind to ask questions after the lunch bell rang, but did her best not to let it show, being patient and calm as she answered his queries and explained what he wanted to know, "sorry" she apologised when she heard her phone vibrate in her bag, she wasn't sorry, in fact she was grateful for the interruption. "I need to get that, so why don't you write down the rest of your questions and we can go through them next time?" she suggested.

"That's a great idea" the boy grinned, "thanks Miss C" he said as he bounded from the room.

She briefly thought about ignoring her phone once he'd left but then remembered the conversation she'd had with her daughter that morning, quickly answering the call when she saw Rachel's name flashing on the screen. "Hey Mom."

"Hi" Shelby gathered her things together, "can I call you back in a couple of minutes?"

"Oh" she could almost hear the frown in Rachel's voice, "if now isn't a good time we can just talk at home and…"

"Rachel" Shelby interrupted gently, "now is fine, but I got talking to a student after class ended and I'm still in my classroom, I just want to call you back in a couple of minutes when I'm in my office."

"Oh, okay, as long as you're sure it's okay."

"I wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't Rachel" Shelby told her, "I'll be five minutes, probably not even that. I promise."

"Okay, I love you Mom"

Shelby smiled as she picked up her bag, "I love you too Rachel" she replied before ending the call and heading towards her office. She locked the door to be sure she wouldn't be interrupted and slipped off her blazer, kicking her shoes off under her desk, making herself comfortable in her chair before she called her daughter back, Rachel answering after the second ring, "how are you doing?" she asked softly, not wanting Rachel to feel like she had to talk about her appointment but wanting her to know that it was okay if she did.

"I'm okay" Rachel nodded as she sat in the empty choir room, "my appointment went well, we spoke about a few things, schools stuff and stuff with my dads, I think I'm going to have a few more sessions with her."

"That's really good Rachel, I'm glad it went well for you."

"Me too, and I, well, I wanted you to know it was okay, I didn't want you to worry about me."

"I don't want you to worry about me either, it doesn't stop you".

Luckily Rachel recognised the playful tone to Shelby's voice, "touché, well I didn't want you worrying that it had gone badly it that I was struggling with anything, the appointment went well and I'm okay."

"I'm glad to hear it Rach, I really am."

The afternoon passed quickly and before Shelby knew it, she was preparing herself to tell her show choir that she wasn't going to be coaching them any longer, not entirely sure how they'd react. She took a breath, trying to steady her nerves, trying to summon Coach Corcoran as she stood up in front of the group of teens, "I spoke to the principal this morning" she told them, "and I wanted you to hear this from me before any rumours begin circulating through the school. I've handed in my resignation as your coach, I'll be staying until a replacement is found, but then I'll be stepping down."

There was a shocked murmur between the teens before someone finally asked, "why?"

"I have some things going on in my personal life" she told them, "and I need to take some time to work through those. I don't feel like I can give you all the time and support that you deserve, you all work so hard and you deserve a coach who puts the same amount of energy into rehearsals as you do, and right now, I can't give you that, as much as I want to, I can't be as dedicated to Vocal Adrenaline as I need to be, and that isn't fair on you."

"Will you be coming back?" one of the seniors asked, despite her reputation, the team were fond of Shelby, she might be tough in rehearsals but she was always fair, never pushed them past what she knew they were capable of, and outside of rehearsals she was always there. They'd always been able to depend on her, knew they'd always be able to turn to her if they ever needed anything.

"I don't know" she said honestly, "I think it's unlikely, and if I do return, it won't be for a while, it definitely won't be this year." There was silence from the group, "if there's no more questions then let's get something done, you know what we're working on, so get in your places."

She was exhausted by the end of rehearsal, glad that the routine they were practicing was fairly polished that she didn't need to demonstrate anything, she could just sit at the director's table and give instructions. And as she cleared her things into her bag after her students left, she briefly considered calling Hiram or Leroy, she knew she was far too tired to be driving home but she didn't want to put anyone out, she'd make herself a coffee in the staff lounge before she left and then she'd go straight to bed when she got home and hope that she felt better tomorrow.

Hiram and Leroy shared a look when they saw Shelby had fallen asleep in the chair, it wasn't the first time she'd fallen asleep after work but she usually managed to at least get changed first, today she hadn't even taken her shoes off and her bag was at the side of the chair, almost as if she'd fallen asleep as soon as she'd sat down.

Leroy looked to his husband, "what do we…"

Hiram shrugged, "get her to try and eat something when she wakes up and suggest she mentions it in her appointment tomorrow?"

"Do you think she's sleeping at night?"

Hiram shrugged again, "Rachel's spent the past couple of nights with her, she hasn't said anything."

"Maybe Rachel hasn't noticed, if she falls asleep first?"

"Maybe" Hiram nodded, "I'll talk to her when she wakes up."

"Shelby? Or Rachel."

"Shelby, and I might, I might see if I can leave work early tomorrow, give her a bit of moral support at her appointment, even if I just wait in the car, I'll be able to drive her home too."

Leroy nodded, "she's been coming back quite upset, it wouldn't be a bad thing if she wasn't driving."

"Yeah" Hiram sighed, "that's what I thought."

Rachel and her fathers had already eaten by the time Shelby woke, frowning slightly as she too realised she'd fallen asleep before taking her shoes off. She kicked off her heels and sighed, running her fingers through her hair before slowly opening her eyes, "sorry" she mumbled when she saw Leroy sat on the couch.

"You don't need to apologise Shelby, are you okay?"

She yawned, "tired apparently."

He smiled sadly, "you slept through dinner, why don't I make something for you and then you can have an early night."

"I'll make something" Shelby told him, "and I want to talk to Rachel before bed, I erm, I stepped down as Vocal Adrenaline's coach today, I want her to hear it from me."

"That makes sense" Leroy nodded, watching as Shelby pushed herself to her feet, "careful" he saw her stumble, jumping to his feet and putting his hands on her waist to steady her.

"Sorry" Shelby rubbed at her temple, briefly closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, it wasn't the first time she'd felt lightheaded, had the edges of her vision blur when she'd stood but it was the first time it had happened in front of anyone else. She knew what it was, she'd barely eaten at breakfast, and her phone call with Rachel meant that she hadn't eaten at lunch either and now she'd slept through dinner.

"Sit down" Leroy said softly, carefully guiding Shelby back into the chair, "I'll get you something to eat."

Shelby nodded, "thank you."

"We had seafood pasta, is that okay or would you prefer something else?" Shelby bit her lip. She wasn't really a fan of seafood but she didn't want to put Leroy out, "Shelby, I've lost count of the times I've made different meals for the three of us, if you don't want that then I have no problem making you something else" it was as if he'd read her mind.

"I don't really like seafood" she said honestly.

"Okay" Leroy smiled, "I'll see what I can rustle up."

Hiram looked up from the drinks he was making when Leroy came into the room. "Okay?"

Leroy nodded, "Shelby's awake, but she almost fell over when she tried to stand up so I said I'd make her something."

"Okay" Hiram nodded, "want me to warm her some leftovers?"

"She doesn't like seafood" Leroy said as he took out some bread, "I thought I'd make her some avocado toast, she seemed to enjoy it when Rachel made it the other day and it's quick and easy, and not overwhelming for her. If she's still hungry afterwards I'll make her something else."

"Okay" Hiram took out a third mug, "I'll make her some tea."

"She'll be okay Hiram" Leroy gently reached out to stroke his husband's arm, "we'll make sure of it."

"Hey" Hiram smiled softly as he handed Shelby her tea, "are you feeling better after getting some sleep?"

Shelby ran her index finger around the rim of her mug, "I wish I could say yes but I think I'm just going to speak to Rachel when I go upstairs then have a quick shower and go to bed, I feel so lethargic, I don't know if I'm coming down with something or…"

"Or… ?"

Shelby sighed, "I know I'm not eating enough, but I, I just don't have an appetite."

"That can be common with depression" Hiram told her, "but maybe you should mention it at your appointment tomorrow, or make an appointment to see your doctor to talk about it."

Shelby nodded, "I'll mention it tomorrow she promised, "I should probably make an appointment to see my doctor anyway."

"Okay" Hiram reached out to gently squeeze Shelby's hand as Leroy carried a tray into the room, "you'll let us know if there's anything we can do won't you."

"Yeah" Shelby nodded as she put down her tea, "I will."

Shelby forced herself to eat both the avocado toast and the small bowl of fruit Leroy had prepared for her before saying goodnight to the two men and making her way upstairs to speak to her daughter.

Rachel had finished her homework by the time Shelby knocked on her door, so, after speaking for a few minutes, they decided to talk in bed once Shelby had showered and changed.

"I resigned as VA coach today" Shelby said once they were both in her bed, Rachel, as always, tucked into her side, "I wanted you to hear it from me."

Rachel lifted her head to look at her Mom and frowned slightly, "what? Why would you do that? Vocal Adrenaline are a very talented group, although as their competition I have to say that some of their performances are lacking…"

"Rachel" Shelby smiled as she interrupted, "how about you let me answer your question before you start criticising the show choir that I coach?" she raised an eyebrow.

Rachel bit her lip, "sorry."

"It's okay. But I did it because, you're right, VA are very talented, but that talent comes with a lot of pressure and expectations, they're expected to do well and not only does that put a lot of pressure and stress on me, it takes an effort and an energy that I don't think I can provide right now and that's not fair to them, if they're giving it their all and I can't do the same. And I know how stressed I get around competitions, and right now, I don't know how, or even if, I'd deal with that stress, so, at least until I'm in a better place, I think it's better if I don't put myself in that situation."

Rachel nodded," that seems sensible, and I, I'm glad you aren't forcing yourself to carry on doing it, especially if you don't think it's going to be good for you."

"I think that at one point I would have, I would have felt, I guess in a way I still do feel like I'm letting them down, but I…" she took a deep breath, "things are different now, I've got you and I, I guess I'm starting to realise that I need to put myself first."

"You do" Rachel agreed, "and that's okay Mom, it's okay to put yourself first."

Shelby didn't know how to reply to that so she simply kissed Rachel's hair and asked, "how was your day?" giving Rachel the opportunity to talk about her therapy session if she wanted, but allowing her to just talk about school if she wanted to.

Rachel had been a little apprehensive about talking to her Mom about her meeting with her therapist, but once she started she couldn't stop herself, telling her Mom all about her appointment.

"I'm glad your Dads made you an appointment" Shelby said once Rachel had finished talking, "it's good for you to have someone you can unload to, someone who can help you make sense of everything" one of Shelby's biggest fears was that Rachel would end up like her, so the fact Hiram and Leroy were on the ball, that they made sure Rachel's mental health was cared for just as much as her physical health. "I know that this can't be easy for you and I, I wish we'd met under better circumstances, that you didn't have to…"

"We met" Rachel interrupted, "we're getting to know each other, that's all that matters Mom, please don't beat yourself up, I know that if you could stop all this, if you could turn off the part of your brain that makes you feel the way you do, I know you'd do it in a heartbeat, I know you don't want to feel like this, that you're doing everything you can to try and get better, and that's okay Mom. I know you wish we'd met under better circumstances but this is what we've got, and that's okay Mom, it's okay".

Shelby blinked back tears as she pulled Rachel closer, "I love you Rachel" she whispered, "I love you so much."

"I know" Rachel reached up to wipe away Shelby's tears, "I love you too Mom."


	21. Chapter 21

I've had this chapter written for a while now, but for reasons I won't bore you with, I'm a little apprehensive about sharing it, so I'd love to know what you think.

* * *

Shelby sighed as she pulled into the parking lot outside her therapist's office, running her fingers through her hair and taking a deep breath before stepping from the car. She hated this, hated baring her soul, hated being so weak, but at the same time she knew she needed it. She knew she needed help to get herself together, to build herself back up so she could be the mother Rachel deserved. She thought about a conversation she'd had with Hiram in the past and shook her head, she needed to get herself together so she could be the person she deserved to be.

"Hey" Shelby jumped slightly, so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't seen the familiar figure waiting by the door.

"Hiram" she frowned, "what…"

"I thought you might need some moral support" he reached for her hand, "this is never easy, especially at the beginning, it's okay if you aren't."

Shelby gently squeezed Hiram's hand and forced a smile, "thank you".

Hiram waited as Shelby checked herself in at the reception desk and sat beside her in the waiting room, her hand once again finding his as they sat in silence, Shelby bouncing her knee anxiously as she waited. "I'll be right here" Hiram promised when her name was called, "I'm not going anywhere"

True to his word he didn't move, looking up from the magazine he'd been flicking through when he heard the familiar creak of the door to the office opening, smiling sadly at Shelby as she left the room, her eyes rimmed red from the tears she'd cried, and he didn't say anything, simply greeted the therapist with a silent nod before wrapping his arm around Shelby and walking her back out to her car.

She took out her key, passing it to Hiram with shaking hands when he held out his hand to her, frowning but not questioning him when he opened the back door of her SUV and gestured for her to get inside. He closed the door behind her and walked around the car, getting in the other side, Shelby suddenly understanding why they were in the back when Hiram held out his arms, Shelby collapsing into him as she began to cry.

Hiram didn't say anything, understood that Shelby probably wouldn't be ready to talk yet, knew that, on the odd occasion she'd spoken to him or Leroy about her therapy, she hadn't brought it up until a few days after her appointment, so he was surprised to hear her tell him, "I thought talking about my suicide attempts was difficult, it turns out that was a walk in the park compared to talking about the subsequent hospitalisation."

He still didn't say anything, knew Shelby wasn't telling him for a response, she didn't want his opinion or recognition, it was just something she needed to do. Instead he continued to hold her close until she seemed to calm somewhat, "okay?" he asked, handing her the tissues he'd put in his pocket, assuming they'd be needed.

Shelby nodded and thanked Hiram as she dabbed at her eyes, "I usually give myself 10 minutes" she admitted. "I have 10 minutes and then I get myself together and drive home."

"I got Leroy to drop me off at work this morning and then got a cab over here" Hiram admitted, "it was another reason I thought I'd come and meet you, it occured to me that you driving home as upset as you have been, probably wasn't the safest thing, so I thought I could drive you back."

"Thank you" Shelby smiled sadly, "sometimes I wish I could turn that part of my brain off, just for the drive, and sometimes, sometimes I think about going back to my apartment to stop Rachel seeing me like this."

"You know we wouldn't stop you" Hiram said softly, "if you wanted to go home for a while, if you needed some space."

"I know" Shelby nodded, and I… as much as I want to go back and just hide from everything, there's a little part of me that worries about what I might do if I did go back."

"Okay" Hiram didn't push Shelby, he knew exactly what she meant, "that's okay, we can give you all the space you need at home, all you have to do is say and we'll make sure you get it okay?"

Shelby nodded, "thank you."

"It's not a problem Shel, you don't need to thank us. Now, are you ready to go home or do you need a little bit longer?"

"I'm ready" Shelby wiped a tissue under her eyes, grateful for her waterproof mascara. "Actually, can we stop off at my apartment on the way back?" she asked as they both moved to the front of the car, "please"

"Of course" Hiram smiled, "are you okay to give me directions or do I need to figure this out?" he joked as he gestured towards the built in navigation system.

Shelby managed a small smile, "I can direct you."

The ride to Shelby's apartment passed in silence save for her occasional directions, pointing him to her allocated parking space once they reached the garage. "Do you want me to wait here?" he offered.

Shelby shook her head, "come with me" she said quietly, her voice shaking as she told him, "there's something I want you to do for me."

Hiram nodded and followed Shelby to her apartment, beginning to worry as he noticed Shelby start to shake with nerves, Hiram almost able to feel the anxiety buzzing from Shelby's body, "Shel" he said quietly as, at her request, he followed her through the apartment and into the small ensuite off the master bedroom.

She opened the cabinet under the sink and took out a large plastic box, "I want, I need you to get rid of this for me" she told him, unable to make eye contact as she handed it over to him.

Hiram frowned as he lifted the lid from the box, his eyes widening and bile rising in his throat as he realised the box was full of pills, mainly boxes of over the counter painkillers, but with a few boxes of prescription pain meds and sleeping pills thrown in there too. "Shelby" he whispered.

Shelby felt her breath catch in her throat, knew she was on the edge of a panic attack but forced herself to tell him, "I kept it, it's, it's like a safety net. If, if things don't work out, if I screw up. If it's too much. I can, I can come back here and, and, and I could make it stop. But that… I don't want to feel like that anymore".

Hiram was still shocked, he was sure Shelby had just handed him enough medication to knock out an elephant, but he chose not to focus on that, choosing instead to focus on the fact that she'd given it to him. She'd asked him to get rid of it for her. "Okay" he put the box down and focused his attention on Shelby, "you need to take some deep breaths" he told her, "you're starting to hyperventilate, just take it nice and slowly, breathe in and out with me."

He slowed his breathing for Shelby to match and after a minute or two he heard her breaths begin to slow to a more 'normal' rate "sor…"

"Don't you dare apologise to me, you've got nothing to be sorry for" he swiped his thumbs under her eyes to catch her tears, giving them both a minute to compose themselves before he spoke again. "Thank you" he said sincerely, "for giving me this, for trusting me. I know that it can't have been easy for you to do, and I can only imagine how scary it feels for you to get rid of your safety net" Shelby just nodded, not sure what to say, "I also know that giving this up won't make the thoughts that made you get this together in the first place go away, but I promise you, if you ever, ever feel like you're in a place where you'd want to use this, please come to Leroy or I. We'll do whatever we can to help you, distract you, to keep you safe until those thoughts pass. Because they will pass Shelby, I can promise you that."

"Can I ask you something? Shelby asked nervously after a moment of silence.

"Anything" Hiram reached for Shelby's hand, stopping her scratching absentmindedly at her arm.

"Leroy said you'd taken lexapro in the past."

Hiram nodded, "I stopped taking it about a year, eighteen months ago" he told her, "touch wood I've been doing okay since then."

"Did you have any side effects?" Shelby asked.

"Like what?"

"It started off with nausea but I found that isn't so bad if I take it after I've eaten instead of before, but I…" Shelby bit her lip, "I feel like I'm getting worse, I don't know if it's the meds or if it's just a coincidence. I… I, I feel like there's this massive ball of anxiety buzzing inside me, and because of that I can't sit still, but then I feel like there's a big black cloud over my head stopping me from going anywhere. And my head… " Shelby rubbed at her temples as she thought about how to express how she was feeling, "I can't… I, I can't concentrate or focus on anything, I don't know how to explain it, it feels like my mind's constantly wading through treacle and everything's happening in slow motion." She sat on the edge of the bathtub, holding her head in her hands, feeling like every tiny bit of energy she had had just left her body, her body eventually giving in and sliding down the side of the tub to sit on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest as tears pooled in her eyes.

"I don't know if it happened with lexapro specifically" Hiram sat on the floor beside Shelby, reaching out to take her hand, "but I've tried a lot of antidepressants and I've certainly experienced all those side effects at one time or another. I'm sorry to say that there's not much you can do but wait it out, things should hopefully get better in the next couple of weeks, and if they don't, we go back and we ask your doctor to try something else. I'll be honest, the first few weeks aren't fun by any stretch of the imagination, but I promise, once you find something that works for you, it'll be worth it."

"I'll take your word for it" Shelby smiled sadly.

"With the changes to your mood" Hiram said softly, "if things get really bad, if you think you're slipping into a bad place, if you… If your suicidal thoughts become more than just fleeting thoughts, if you have any, any feeling at all like you might act on them, like you want to harm yourself in any way, please, please find a way to reach out to Leroy or I. If you can't tell us then text us, call us, wake us in the middle of the night, do anything at all to let us know so we can help you." He made a mental note to mention it to Leroy, so the two of them could keep an eye on her, could step in if they noticed anything worrying.

"I… I'll try."

"Thank you" Hiram swiped at Shelby's tears, "we want to help, we want to do whatever we can to help you through this."

"It scares me" Shelby admitted, "sometimes I wonder if anything's going to work and I'm scared that it won't, that I'm going to feel like this forever unless… that's why I had to, I had to give you that box. Keeping it makes that the easy option."

"Oh Shelby" Hiram wrapped her in his arms holding her close as she cried, "it might take a while but something will work for you Shelby, these first few weeks can be awful, but the medication is changing the chemicals in your brain, it's going to take a while to adjust to that, you're not a lost cause or whatever else you're thinking, you're struggling and that's okay, but you don't have to struggle on your own any more."

"Thank you" Shelby whispered as she let Hiram hold her, "thank you."

Hiram held Shelby until she calmed down, checking she was ready to go home before helping her down to the car, making sure to pick up the box of pills before he left, Hiram wasn't exactly sure how he was going to get rid of them, but he knew he would, he'd make sure to get rid of every last pill. The drive home passed in silence, something that didn't surprise Hiram at all, Shelby staring blankly out of the window as she desperatey tried to keep hersef together. "Do you… " He turned to her as he pulled up outside the house, not even sure what he was asking.

"I'm just going to go to bed" Shelby whispered, "I don't… I…" she could feel her eyes beginning to fill with tears again and she just wanted to shut herself away.

"You're not in the right headspace to be around other people?" Hiram finished for her.

Shelby nodded, "yeah. I just want to sleep. I don't know if I'll be able to but…" she shrugged.

"Do you want something to eat first?" Hiram asked, Shelby biting her lip, unable to look Hiram in the eye as she shook her head. "Okay" he decided he wouldn't push that right now, "would you be okay with me coming up to check on you later?"

Shelby shook her head, "I promised Rachel I wouldn't lock the door, you erm, you don't have to knock" she told him, "if I do manage to sleep"

"I won't wake you" Hiram promised.

"Thank you."

Hiram squeezed Shelby's hand, "it's okay, now let's get you inside."

Rachel raced over to the door, wrapping her arms around Shelby and hugging her tightly almost before she had time to get into the house. "I love you Mom" she whispered.

Shelby couldn't stop more tears from falling as she kissed Rachel's hair, "I love you too" she whispered as Rachel broke the hug, allowing Shelby to make her way upstairs to her room.

"What happened?" Rachel asked, her eyes wide with fear, "you were gone so long and I knew, Dad told me that you were with her but you were gone for so long, something bad must have happened."

Hiram sat down, gently pulling Rachel onto his lap, "I was with Shelby, you're right, I met her before her session and waited in the waiting room. She was upset when she came out and she had some things she wanted to talk about so we went back to her apartment so we could have a little privacy to talk them through. It was hard for Shelby to open up about the things she wanted to talk about so she's gone to bed, she probably won't come down again tonight but I'll check on her later and see how she's doing."

"Do you think she'd mind if I slept in her bed tonight?" Rachel asked nervously.

Hiram shook his head, "I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all" if anything Hiram thought Shelby would expect it, whenever Rachel was worried about Shelby she always spent the night with her, almost as if she was reassuring herself that her Mom was safe, that she hadn't left.

They ate dinner together before putting a movie on, Hiram and Leroy letting Rachel choose what they watched as she sat between her fathers, still obviously worried about her Mom. Hiram pulled his phone from his pocket when he felt it vibrate almost an hour after he and Shelby arrived home and he frowned when he saw she was the one who'd sent him a message. She'd tried to calm herself down, had been fighting with herself since she got home before just giving in and sending Hiram a message. '_I think I'm going to take the valium again, just half a pill this time but I thought you should know_.'

He didn't waste any time, making his excuses and heading upstairs with a glass of water, gently tapping on Shelby's door. "Yeah?" she'd been expecting him to come up, she'd briefly thought about going down to talk to him in person but she couldn't find the energy to walk downstairs.

"I didn't know if you'd need this" he put the water down on the bedside table.

Shelby nodded, "thank you" she whispered. Not knowing how to tell him that, whilst she might have made the decision to take the medication, she hadn't yet found the energy to drag her weary body across the hall to get her pills from the bathroom.

"Why don't you get changed?" Hiram suggested when he noticed Shelby was curled on the bed in the clothes she'd worn to work, "put your pyjamas on so you're comfortable and I'll go get your pills?"

Shelby felt her eyes fill with tears, it was like Hiram could read her mind, "thank you" she whispered, slowly pulling herself to her feet so she could change.

"Do you want me to sit with you?" Hiram offered after he'd broken one of the pills in half for Shelby.

She shook her head as she settled down under the covers, "I'm hoping that will take the edge off things enough that I can just fall asleep" she said honestly, "but if Rachel's worried and she wants to sleep in here tonight then she can."

"Thank you, she's already asked if we thought you'd mind, so I'll let her know you've said it's okay" he straightened the duvet around her, "your phone's by the bed" he said softly, "if you need anything you know what to do, even if it's the middle of the night."

"I know" Shelby whispered as Hiram flicked off the main light, leaving just a small sidelight illuminating the room for when Rachel came to bed, "thank you."

Hiram kissed Shelby's cheek, "there's nothing to thank me for" he said as he went to leave the room, "nothing at all."


	22. Chapter 22

A couple of people have asked to see Shelby being more 'motherly' towards Rachel, so I've tried to work something along those lines into this chapter, I hope you like it!

* * *

"Is Mom okay?" Hiram could see the worry in Rachel's eyes when he came back downstairs.

"She's fine" Hiram sat beside Rachel and hugged her tightly, "she's going to take half of one of her pills to try and help her anxiety, I took her up a glass of water. She's going to try and sleep now but she did tell me that you were more than welcome to sleep in her bed tonight."

"Can I go up now?" Rachel asked.

Hiram kissed Rachel's hair, "give her some time" he said softly, "give her medication some time to start working and give her some time to get settled. Why don't we finish the movie and then you can go up to bed once it's done."

Rachel nodded, staying tucked into her Daddy's side, "Okay".

As Hiram and Leroy predicted, Rachel said goodnight and headed upstairs as soon as the credits began to roll, getting ready for bed before making her way to Shelby's room and pushing the door open.

"Hi" Shelby smiled softly as the door creaked open, she hadn't managed to fall asleep but she did feel a lot calmer than she had earlier, the soft music playing from the TV and the low lighting in the room working with her medication to help relax her.

"I didn't mean to wake you" Rachel apologised as she slipped under the covers and curled into her side.

"You didn't" Shelby brushed Rachel's hair from her face, "I haven't managed to fall asleep yet. What are you…" she frowned as Rachel nuzzled closer to her, did her daughter just sniff her?

"You smell…"

"Really?" Shelby frowned, "I know I haven't showered tonight but..."

"No" Rachel's brow furrowed in thought as she tried to work out what it was that was different, but then suddenly it hit her, "have you had a cigarette today?"

Shelby shook her head, "I mentioned wanting to quit to your Dad at the weekend, he bought me some gum and some patches, I'm trying not to."

"I think that's it" Rachel nodded, "you don't smell of cigarettes anymore."

"I take it you approve?"

Rachel shrugged, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pleased that you're trying to stop, but I didn't mind the smell, I guess it was just part of you."

"Maybe I'm quitting in the hope that one day I'll be able to outrun you" Shelby teased.

"I'd like to see you try" Rachel joked before reaching out to gently stroke Shelby's cheek, "you look tired Mom"

"I am" Shelby admitted.

"Close your eyes" Rachel said quietly, "try and sleep."

Shelby nodded, "I love you Rachel" she whispered, "I know I don't say it, or probably even show it very often but I do love you."

Rachel kissed Shelby's cheek, "I know you love me Mom, you don't need to tell me or make any grand gestures, things like this, laying in bed with me, the way you hug me in a morning and tell me to have a good day before you leave for work, they all show me that you love me. And I love you too."

"Thank you."

"You've got nothing to thank me for" Rachel insisted, "try and get some sleep."

"Okay" Shelby let her eyes close, holding Rachel closely, "I love you."

As always, Rachel's presence somehow helped Shelby slip easily into sleep, and, once she was sure her Mom was asleep, it didn't take long for Rachel to drift off either.

Hiram and Leroy stayed in the living room after Rachel had gone to bed, Leroy knew there was something on his husband's mind but he didn't push him, trusted him to open up when he was ready. They'd put on a repeat of an old sitcom once Rachel had left, neither paying much attention to it, Hiram lost in his thoughts, Leroy's concentration on his husband as he held him in his arms, gently stroking patterns along his spine with his fingertips.

"Do you think Rachel's asleep?" Hiram asked about thirty minutes after she'd gone upstairs. "There's something I want to tell you but I don't want her knowing about it."

"I can go and check if you want?" Leroy offered.

"Please" Hiram nodded, "I need to get something from Shelby's car, "I'll go grab it now."

"Both fast asleep" Leroy said as he came back downstairs to find Hiram back on the couch, a plastic tub held in his hands. Leroy frowned, assuming Hiram had found out that Shelby wasn't eating, that the box of food he made her in a morning was left untouched. "Is that…"

"Shelby asked me to take her to her apartment" Hiram told his husband, "we didn't go there to talk initially we did talk but it came after."

"After what?"

"Shelby gave me this and asked me to get rid of it for her" he handed Leroy the box.

Leroy frowned, "Shelby asked you to get rid of her lun…fuck" he lifted the lid on the tub, completely taken aback by the amount of pills he found himself staring at, "Hiram…"

"She called it her safety net" Hiram told him, "she said that she told herself that if things get too much for her, or if she messes up then she has this to, in her words, 'make it stop'. And the thought of that is awful, knowing she feels that way, but she gave this to me, willingly. It was her decision to get rid of this and she asked me to get rid of it for her, so I'm trying to focus on that."

"Okay" Leroy rubbed at his temples as he mentally counted up the pills in the box, feeling sick as he noticed the dates on some of the prescribed medications, when he realised how long Shelby had been hoarding the pills, how long she'd been feeling so desperate, so low, that ending her life was an option she'd given some serious thought to.

"I told her, I told her that I knew giving us these wouldn't magically stop her feeling that way, so I've told her that she can come to us, either of us. Whenever she needs to. She can call us, text us, wake us in the night, and we'll do whatever we can to keep her safe until she's feeling a little better."

"Absolutely" Leroy nodded, "of course we will."

"She says she thinks her mental health might be getting worse" Hiram told him, "there's a chance it could just be a side effect of the meds, but I think, without being too obvious about it, we need to keep an eye on her, if things do get worse, I don't know if she'd feel able to step up and tell us how she's feeling, we might have to be the ones that reach out to her."

"We can do that" Leroy nodded, "of course we can."

"I think if she was going to do anything she'd have done it by now but I… I don't want to take any chances."

"No, no, it's better to be safe than sorry" Leroy agreed, "Rachel spent about an hour pacing the living room earlier, she was so worried about Shelby, I don't think I even want to think about what would happen to her if..." that if wasn't something Leroy even wanted to think about.

"No, neither do I. But she's fought for this long and she shows no signs of giving up."

"And she's got us now, she's not fighting on her own any more."

"I know" Hiram kissed Leroy softly, tucking himself into his husband's side. "What are we going to do with…" he gestured to the box.

Leroy sighed, "flush them away? I'll put it somewhere she, or Rachel, won't find it, and get rid of them a few at a time until they're gone."

"Okay" Hiram nodded before asking, "can we go to bed now?"

"Of course" Leroy kissed Hiram's head, "you check everything's locked up down here and I'll go put this upstairs out of the way."

Shelby sighed as she turned off her alarm the next morning, she felt more 'with it' than she had the last time she'd taken valium but she still wanted to pull the duvet up over her head and forget about all her responsibilities but she couldn't do that, she had to get up, pull herself together and get ready for another day. She rolled over, taking a nicotine patch from the box she kept in the drawer by the bed, taking that, along with her clothes for the day into the bathroom so she could get ready without worrying about waking Rachel.

She ran her hands through her hair as she looked at herself in the mirror, sighing again at the amount of hair that fell out, maybe she should just cut it all off she mused as she studied her reflection, noticing how tired, how worn down, how old she looked. She knew she hadn't showered the day before, knew she should probably have one now, she definitely had time, but she couldn't find the energy, so, with a defeated sigh, she reached for her dry shampoo, that would do for now, she'd shower tonight.

"Oh, hi" Leroy was surprised to find Shelby at the kitchen table when he came downstairs, "everything okay?"

Shelby nodded as she sipped at her coffee, "yeah, I erm" she shrugged, "yeah" she didn't really know why she hadn't felt like sitting outside that morning, she just hadn't.

"Okay" Leroy didn't push her, "are you ready for another?" he gestured to her mug.

Shelby nodded and downed the last of the coffee she'd made herself, "thanks" she said softly as she handed her mug over.

"Do you want something else?" Leroy asked after watching Shelby push something around her bowl without eating it for a few moments.

"I…" Shelby sighed before shrugging, "I want to eat but it's just not… I don't have an appetite and nothing seems appealing to me."

"What have you got?" Leroy asked as he passed her coffee over.

"Museli, with apple juice, I don't like milk."

Leroy gently squeezed her shoulder, "want me to make you a smoothie or something? See if that's any easier for you?"

"I don't want you to go to any trouble, if I can't manage it then…"

"Then at least you've tried it" he said softly before asking again, "can I?"

Shelby nodded, "thank you."

"Anything in particular you fancy?"

"No, anything's fine."

"Okay" Leroy began taking fruit from the refrigerator, "would you mind if I added some of Rachel's oat milk to thin it down a little?" he asked.

Shelby shook her head, "you can use regular milk, I don't mind it if it's in something and I can't tell it's there, I just don't like it on its own."

"Okay" Leroy nodded, pulling a blender from one of the cupboards and beginning to chop up some fruit, placing a glass full of thick red liquid on the table in front of her a few minutes later, "just have what you can" he told her, "don't force yourself."

He busied himself with making lunch for everyone once he'd given her the smoothie, not wanting her to feel like he was watching her, not wanting to add to the pressure he was sure she was piling on herself.

Luckily it wasn't long before Hiram and Rachel joined them and the awkward silence that had filled the room was replaced with happy chatter. "I'll see you tonight?" Rachel asked as Shelby said goodbye, Leroy happy that Shelby had managed almost two thirds of the smoothie he'd made for her.

"Of course" Shelby nodded, "it's Wednesday, so if you want…

"Yoga and dinner?" Rachel suggested with a small smile.

Shelby nodded and returned the smile, "yoga and dinner sounds great" she said as Rachel leaned in to hug her tightly.

"Here you go" Leroy handed over Shelby's usual lunch and travel mug once Rachel let her go, handing her a bottle too, "I made extra of that smoothie" he told her quietly, "so if you can't manage to eat anything at lunch you can at least try and drink that."

Shelby wanted to cry at his thoughtfulness, "thank you."

"You don't need to thank me for anything" he kissed her cheek, "have a good day."

Shelby nodded as she picked up her things, "I'll do my best" she said as she headed out to her car.

As it always seemed to, Shelby's day seemed to drag on for weeks, she did however manage to eat a few grapes between her morning classes, and instead of her usual coffee, she took the smoothie Leroy made her to VA practice at lunch time, managing just half of it during lunch but finishing it little by little during the afternoon, Shelby knew it wasn't a lot, knew that she should be 'eating' a lot more than she had but right now she felt like anything was better than nothing and she was greatful for anything that seemed like a 'victory' no matter how small.

"I'm back" Shelby called into the house when she let herself in, as always she'd sent Rachel a text as she'd left Carmel, letting her know when she'd be home, but unusually, Rachel hadn't replied. She didn't get a response but she didn't worry about that, assumed Rachel was upstairs doing her homework. "Rachel?" Shelby called as she walked upstairs, knocking on Rachel's door when she didn't get a response. Rachel's door opened slightly when Shelby knocked on it, allowing Shelby to hear the running of the shower running in Rachel's ensuite, "Rachel" she knocked on the door of the ensuite, planning on letting Rachel know she was home and then going to get changed herself. "Rachel" she knocked on the door again, frowning when she thought she heard something, "Rachel, are you okay?"

Shelby definitely heard Rachel sniffle again, "I'm fine" she lied, betrayed by the shake in her voice.

"Rachel"

"Please" Rachel sobbed, "just go away, please?"

Shelby sighed, "okay, I'll be in my room if you want me."

"Okay" the quiver in Rachel's voice broke Shelby's heart and she could only hope that, once she'd had time to calm down a little, Rachel would come find her and let her know what was wrong.

She changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt once she was in her room, flicking the the TV in once she was changed and sitting cross-legged against the headboard, not really paying any attention to the TV, unable to focus on anything but the fact her daughter was upset.

There was a gentle tap on the door about half an hour after Shelby got home and without waiting for a response, Rachel pushed the door open, her hair still damp and her eyes ringed red from the tears she'd cried, "Momma" she whimpered, flying onto the bed when Shelby said nothing but simply held out her arms, Rachel clinging to her mother as she began to sob again.

"Oh baby" Shelby held her close, "I've got you, I've got you." Shelby hummed softly, holding Rachel in her arms until she calmed slightly, "do you want to tell me what's happened?" she asked before kissing her daughter's hair.

"I, I don't think I can" Rachel whispered.

"Okay" Shelby was disappointed that Rachel didn't feel like she could trust her but she didn't push her, "then will you talk to your Dads when they get home please?"

"It's not you" Rachel whispered, "I mean, I…" she sighed, "if I told you I think I'd be putting you in an awkward position and I don't want to do that."

"What do you mean?" Shelby asked with a frown, "sorry?" Shelby didn't hear what Rachel mumbled into her chest.

"I don't want you to have to choose between me and Vocal Adrenaline."

"Rachel" Shelby pushed her daughter away from her slightly so she could look her in the eye, "tell me what's happened. And for the record, you are my daughter. There is no choice, you come first every single time."

Rachel sniffed and pushed her face back into Shelby's chest, "they think it's my fault you've resigned" she mumbled.

"What did they do Rachel?" Rachel shook her head against Shelby's chest, "I don't know if you think you're protecting me somehow, but Darling, if you don't tell me, I'll just make VA tell me tomorrow, I'll find out either way."

"They came to McKinley" Rachel whispered, "they threw…" Rachel's voice caught in her throat as she began to get upset again, Shelby rubbing her back slowly, "they threw eggs at me" Rachel whispered, Jesse, he, he looked me in the eye and cracked one right on my head."

"Oh Rachel" Shelby held her closer, "I'm sorry Darling, I'm so, so sorry."

"It's not your fault" Rachel whispered.

"It's not yours either, and I promise Rachel, I promise you, first thing in the morning I will he speaking to the principal at Carmel as your Mom, and then at lunch, I will be speaking to VA as their coach, I won't let them get away with this, I promise you Darling, I promise."

"I feel sick" Rachel whispered, "thinking about all those defenceless baby chickens that…" she shook her head beginning to cry again.

Shelby shifted slightly, changing her hold on Rachel so she could cradle the girl in her arms like an infant, "it wasn't your fault" she said as she held her close, Rachel clinging to her as she cried, "it wasn't your fault baby I promise." She kissed Rachel's hair as she continued to cry, "is there anything I can do?" she asked.

Rachel shook her head, "will you just hold me?"

"For as long as you need Darling, I'll hold you all night if you want me to."

"I need to make dinner" Rachel sniffled.

"How about I message your dads, ask if they're okay with takeout instead?"

Rachel nodded, "will you eat with us?"

"Yeah" Shelby kissed Rachel's hair again, "I will." Rachel clung to Shelby, she half knew she was being pathetic, that she shouldn't be clinging to her mother the way she was, but there was something so incredibly comforting about the way Shelby was holding her, the feel of the circles Shelby was stroking on her back that she just didn't want to move.

"Sorry what?" Rachel suddenly realised Shelby was talking to her.

"I said can you grab my phone please" Shelby smiled as she pointed to where she'd left it by the bed, "so I can ask your Dads if one of them can grab takeout on their way home."

"Oh" Rachel reached for the phone, "sure".

Rachel sat back as Shelby typed out a quick message in the Berry family group chat she'd been added to, '_Rachel's had a bad day, would one of you pick up something for dinner on your way home so she doesn't have to cook, I'll pay x_'

She got a reply almost instantly from Hiram, '_Sure, I'll grab Chinese on my way back if that's okay with everyone, and don't worry about the money. Is Rachel okay? x_'

'_She will be_' Shelby replied, checking Chinese was okay with Rachel and telling Hiram what they both wanted before holding her arms out again, "do you…"

Rachel nodded, curling back into Shelby almost instantly, Shelby reaching down to pull the duvet up over them both, "thank you" Rachel whispered as she let her head rest on Shelby's chest, Shelby resuming the circles she was rubbing on her daughter's back.

"What for?" Shelby asked with a frown.

"For this" Rachel nuzzled into Shelby, "I know I'm too old for all this but…"

"Rachel" Shelby said softly, "you will never be too old for me to comfort you if you need comforting, no matter what's going on in my life I will always make time for you Rachel, I will do my very best to put you first."

Rachel snuggled closer to Shelby, "I love you Mom."

Shelby knew she'd never get sick of hearing those words, would never get sick of being able to reply, "I love you too Rachel."


	23. Chapter 23

Shelby left for work earlier than usual on Thursday, wanting to speak to the principal before classes started. "Shelby" He was surprised to see her in his office again so soon, "is everything okay?"

Shelby nodded and sat in the chair he gestured to. "Actually. Everything isn't okay, but I, I'm not here as a member of staff or your employee, I'd like to speak to you as a parent. A parent of a child who was assaulted by students from Carmel last night."

"A parent… I'm sorry Shelby, I think you're going to have to explain" he frowned, Shelby had never mentioned having a child before.

"It's a long story" Shelby sighed, "to cut it short, I was a surrogate for a gay couple, my daughter was raised exclusively by her fathers for most of her life, she and I have only started to build a relationship very recently" the man nodded so Shelby continued, "she goes to McKinley and she had a brief romantic relationship with Jesse StJames when he transfered there. I got home last night to find her crying in the shower, eventually she told me that several members of VA turned up at McKinley to throw eggs at her, despite Jesse knowing that she's a very strict vegan."

"Is there any way that your daughter could identify the VA members involved?"

"She already has" Shelby told him, it had taken a little coaxing, Shelby again reminding Rachel that she'd find out one way or another, but Rachel had pointed out the people who'd attacked her from a team photo Shelby had on her phone.

Shelby gave the principal the names he wanted, believing him when he said they would be dealt with accordingly, she knew that, unlike McKinley, Carmel had a pretty tough 'no bullying' stance, and despite this incident happening off school grounds, the principal would still take it seriously. She spent a little while longer with the man, speaking to him about how she wanted to handle it as VA's coach before thanking him for his help and heading for her homeroom.

She did her best to keep calm, not letting on that anything was wrong as she taught several of the students that had attacked her daughter, waiting until lunchtime rehearsal to reveal that she was only too aware what they'd done to Rachel.

Vocal Adrenaline had expected to get straight into their rehearsal but Shelby had other ideas, instructing them to stand in a line on the stage, the tone of her voice making it quite clear that she wanted them to do it instantly and without question. She paced up and down the stage a couple of times, not saying anything, not looking up as she mused over what she was going to say. She could almost feel the tension in the air, a handful of students having an idea what was going on, the majority of the group completely confused by their Coach's actions.

"I've picked several of you up from house parties when you've been less than sober to make sure you got home safely." Shelby finally spoke, still pacing the stage in front of her students. "I've sat in the hospital with you in the middle of the night when your mom needed emergency surgery and your Dad was out of town. I've picked you up and taken you to the ER when you slipped on ice, broke your wrist and got concussion. I've, at one time or another, paid out of my own pocket to get more than one of you emergency contraception when you needed it. On separate occasions, three of you have named me as your responsible adult when you got arrested and I showed up, got you out and took you home. One of you even turned up at my apartment at 3am, I opened the door and let you sleep on my couch. I've given you lunch money, I've taken you to countless doctors appointments and auditions over the years and I did every single one of those things, and many more, without question or judgement. I've celebrated your successes and I've helped you pick up the pieces when things haven't quite gone to plan. I trusted you, I supported you, I was proud of the family we'd grown to be. And how do you choose to repay me for everything I've done for you?" Shelby asked, not giving anyone chance to answer before she answered her own question. "You thank me by intimidating and throwing eggs at my daughter. After everything I've done for you, you can't even have the decency of showing me or my daughter a little bit of respect? Because by attacking her, you've attacked me." She stopped pacing and turned to face the group seeing the guilty looks on several faces, and the looks of sheer confusion on the faces of those who hadn't been involved.

"Coa…"

"I didn't ask you to speak" Shelby snapped. "Maybe I was wasting my time with you. I thought that, as well as building the best show choir the country has to offer, I was building a group of kind, compassionate young men and women but apparently I was wrong. Apparently there are a group of you who still don't think of anyone but themselves. Who thought that bullying my daughter, that trying to break the one thing I love more than anything else in the world, would make me change my mind about stepping down as coach. Do you really think I want to spend more time with anyone who thinks that sort of behaviour is acceptable?" There was silence, "I asked you a question."

There was a murmur of "no Miss Corcoran" and Shelby resumed her pacing, wishing she had a cigarette right now.

"I respected you, and, if any of you had come to my office, had asked me politely, I would have explained why I've made the decision to stop coaching, but now, I don't think you deserve the explanation. But I will tell you that it has absolutely nothing to do with my daughter. I didn't even tell her I was stepping down until after I'd told you. And I was happy to keep coaching you until a replacement was found, but I spoke to the principal today and told him I'd changed my mind, that I wanted my resignation as your coach to start with immediate effect. I'm done. You don't disrespect me, disrespect my family the way you did and then get to carry on like nothing's happened. If you want to run your own rehearsals until a new coach is found then you can, but I'm done. What I will tell you though, is that, coach or not. If I see any single one of you so much as look in the direction of my daughter again, you'll regret it. And trust me, that isn't a threat from your coach, it's a promise from Rachel's Mom." She didn't wait for a response, simply turned and left the auditorium without another word, leaving a group of shocked teenagers stood on the stage.

Shelby headed straight for her office, closing and locking the door before sinking down the wood to the floor. Her head falling into her hands as she let out a long sigh. She pulled her phone from her pocket, texting Rachel, Hiram and Leroy, letting them all know that Vocal Adrenaline had been dealt with, that she'd dealt with them as their coach and the principal would deal with them too.

It took a while but eventually she managed to push herself to her feet, taking a few steps across her office to collapse in her chair. "Come on" she mumbled to herself as she looked at the lunch Leroy had made for her that morning, "for Rachel" she reminded herself as she picked at the salad she found in the box. She wanted to eat something, she knew she needed to eat something but, not only did she not have an appetite, her stomach felt like it was in knots after telling VA she wouldn't be coaching them any more. She managed just two mouthfuls of food before giving up, taking out the smoothie he'd made instead. As much as she wanted to eat, she knew that she was unlikely to manage much more of the salad. Drinking the smoothie wasn't ideal, but right now it was better than nothing.

A knock on the door startled her from her thoughts a while later but she just ignored it, she wasn't sure she could face anyone right now, she just wanted some peace, she wanted to be alone, at least until the bell rang for afternoon classes. There was a second knock a few minutes later that again she ignored, Shelby glad she'd locked the door when she heard someone try to open it. She rolled her eyes when there was a third knock, whoever it was had knocked twice with no answer and they knew the door was locked, why hadn't they taken the hint?

"Shelby" she ignored Jesse as she found him standing outside her office as she headed back to her classroom for the afternoon.

"It's Miss Corcoran" she told him firmly, "you lost the right to call me anything else when you cracked an egg on my daughter's head Jesse."

"I can explain…"

"No" she told him, "there is absolutely nothing you can say that will make me think your actions last night were anything but an assault on, not only my daughter but on me too. I trusted you Jesse. You told me you wouldn't hurt her and yet here we are."

"I didn't mean to…"

Shelby raised an eyebrow, "so an egg accidentally fell into your hand? You accidentally transported yourself across town to my daughter's school? Accidentally found her at the end of the day? Accidentally cracked an egg on her head? Bullshit Jesse. You knew exactly what you were doing, you knew exactly how much it would hurt Rachel, and you knew hurting her would hurt me yet you did it anyway. I'm not sure what you thought you'd gain from hurting me and my daughter, but I sincerely hope you're happy now Jesse."

"You're not really leaving Vocal Adrenaline are you?" Jesse fell into step beside Shelby.

"Yes. I am, and that decision had absolutely nothing to do with Rachel, she had no idea I was even thinking about stepping down as Coach. I only told her I was resigning after I'd done it, after I told the team."

"But why, VA is your life."

Shelby stopped outside her classroom, "not any more" she told him, "now I have a class" she gestured to her classroom, "and so do you" she turned her back on the boy before turning to face him again, "oh, and Jesse, I meant what I said. Stay away from Rachel."

As she left Carmel that afternoon Shelby found herself dialing Hiram's number, speaking briefly to him before popping a piece of nicotine gum into her mouth and beginning to drive.

"Mom" Rachel was surprised to find Shelby sat in the parking lot when she came out after glee, "what are you doing here?" she asked as she climbed into the SUV, "not that I'm not happy to see you, I was just expecting Daddy to pick me up."

"I know" Shelby said softly, waiting for Rachel to put her seatbelt on before pulling out of the parking space, smiling when she saw Rachel wave to a couple of people, "I called him as I was leaving work, we didn't really get to do anything last night so I asked if he'd mind me picking you up and, if you want to of course, taking you out for an hour or two."

"Of course I want to spend time with you" Rachel beamed, "do you have anything in mind?"

"I thought we could go to the mall, see if anything catches our eye and maybe get dinner too?"

"That would be good" Rachel smiled "but we, we don't have to get anything to eat if you don't feel up to it?" she said softly, knowing Shelby had been struggling to eat recently.

Shelby reached out, gently squeezing Rachel's hand with her own, "I want to" she told her, it wasn't a lie, she did want to, whether or not she'd be able to eat anything was a different matter all together.

They walked around the mall together for a while. As much as she didn't want to, Shelby bought herself some new clothes for work, she'd noticed her clothes getting looser for a while, but she'd truer to ignore it, tried to tell herself that she'd be okay, that she'd be able to start eating again and put on the weight she'd lost, but it seemed like that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. She didn't buy too much though, trying to cling to the hope that she'd get a grip on her mental health and her appetite would come back.

Rachel in the other hand was more enthusiastic than her Mom, and Shelby couldn't help but smile at how excited Rachel seemed to be. Shelby knew it was simple, that shopping with their daughter was something a lot of parents would take for granted, but it was the first time she'd ever been able to do it and she knew that right now, she'd buy Rachel anything she wanted.

"Have they got your size?" she asked as she saw Rachel looking at a dress, she'd yet to buy her daughter anything and wasn't going to let her leave empty handed.

"It's 60 dollars!" Rachel said as she turned to face her Mom.

"I didn't ask how much it was, I asked if they had your size" Shelby said as she began looking through the dresses.

"Yeah they, yeah… " Rachel nodded.

"Great, do you want to go try it on or…" Shelby saw the look on Rachel's face, "sorry, I shouldn't have… you were just looking, if you don't like it you don't have to get it" she was so stupid, so caught up in her own desire to feel like a 'normal' mother that she'd completely forgotten to ask if Rachel even liked the dress she'd been looking at.

"Mom, no" Rachel reached out and gently took hold of Shelby's hand, "I do like it, it's just, are you sure?"

Shelby gently squeezed Rachel's hand, the touch of her daughter helping quieten the voice in her head. "I wouldn't have brought you shopping if I wasn't willing to buy you a few things."

Rachel hugged Shelby tightly, "thank you Mom" she smiled before finding the dress in her size, "thank you."

"It's okay" Shelby returned the smile, "is there anything else you like?"

"I erm, I'm going out at the weekend, it's Tina's birthday, we're going to get food and then we're going to the movies, I was just going to wear something I already have but maybe…"

Shelby took the hint, "we can find you something to wear if you want."

With a little input from her Mom, Rachel chose a pair of jeans and a simple patterned top, Shelby picking out a wrap dress and a blazer for herself before they went to pay.

Shelby didn't bat an eyelid as she handed over her card at the counter, Rachel's eyes widening at the total. "Thank you" she hugged Shelby again as her Mom handed her the bag.

"It's okay" Shelby returned the hug, "is there anything else you want? Or any other stores you want to look in?"

Rachel shook her head, "this was more than enough Mom" she gestured to the bag, Shelby had spent almost two hundred dollars on three items of clothing for her, she couldn't expect her to pay for anything else.

"Look" Shelby sighed quietly as she took Rachel's hand, "I, I don't want you to ever think that if your Dads say no to buying you something you can just come to me and I'll go behind their backs, but I…" she sighed again, "I've never really had anyone or anything to spend my money on before, I'm not… I don't want you to think that you can have everything you want as soon as you want it, but equally, I don't want you to think I'm going to go bankrupt if I spend a couple hundred dollars on you."

"Thank you" Rachel nodded, "but you, you don't have to buy me things, I'm happy just to spend time with you."

"I know, and we won't be doing this every time we spend time together, but today, I…" she shook her head, "it doesn't matter."

"No" Rachel shook her head and reached for Shelby's hand again, seeing the look on her face, "what is it."

"You're my daughter" Shelby didn't look up at Rachel, "I'm your Mom and I, I've never bought anything for you before."

"Oh Mom" Rachel dropped Shelby's hand to pull her into a hug, it hadn't even crossed Rachel's mind that this was the first time she'd been shopping with her Mom.

"I'm sorry" Shelby whispered, "I shouldn't have pushed, if you don't want to get anything else we can just go get dinner, or we can just go home if you…"

"Dinner would be good" Rachel nodded, smiling slightly as she suggested, "and maybe we could look in the music store on the way to the food court?"

Shelby chuckled, "I'm sure we can manage that."

After Rachel picked out several pieces of sheet music, they walked to the food court together, where without asking, Shelby headed straight to the only restaurant in the mall that had more than one vegan choice on the menu, asking for a table for two. She wasn't really hungry, she never was, but she knew Rachel was beginning to worry about how little she ate, so she was determined to eat something, to try and reassure Rachel that she was okay.

Rachel and Shelby both ordered the same vegan burger, Shelby agreeing to share a portion of sweet potato fries with her daughter. "Thank you" Rachel said once the server had taken their order, "I always enjoy spending time with you, but it was nice to do something a bit different."

Shelby smiled, "if there's anything you want to do then I… I won't have VA practices anymore, and we, well, whatever you want to do, I'm sure we can make it happen."

"Another run?" Rachel teased.

"Sure" Shelby laughed, "I survived once, I'm sure I'll survive again."

"I would like to do yoga with you again" Rachel told Shelby, "I'd never done it before but I really enjoyed it."

"We can definitely do more yoga" Shelby nodded, "I'd like to try and get back into a habit of doing it more regularly, a couple of times a week at least, it would be nice for you to join me, even if only occasionally."

"I'd like that" Rachel smiled, "thank you."

They made small talk as they waited for their food, and it was only when Shelby was cutting her burger into smaller pieces that she decided to apologise, "I'm sorry" she didn't look up, "for earlier, I…"

"It's okay" Rachel said quickly.

"No" Shelby shook her head, putting her knife down when she'd cut her burger into four pieces, "it's not, but I…" she sighed as she tried to organise her thoughts so she could explain things to her daughter, "for so long the only image I had of you was of this tiny little newborn, I only saw you for a second or two but I knew I'd never forget what you looked like then, and over the years, I guess I got used to the fact that the next time I saw you again you'd be an adult, you'd have a job or you'd be in college. I know, I've always known that I was somebody's mother, but this, being able to mother you, being able to be your parent, it's a bit overwhelming sometimes, knowing that you're here, that I can spend time with you, that I get to know who you are, that I, that I can be your Mom. I feel like I'm still trying to find my feet as your Mom and it's all happened so suddenly, I feel like I'm still trying to work out how I fit into your life, but I promise" Shelby finally looked up at Rachel, "I promise you that I'll keep trying, I'll keep trying and I'll keep fighting until it gets easier."

"Thank you" Rachel said as she reached for Shelby's hand, "and I'm sorry too, it never occurred to me that this was the first time you've ever bought anything for me, and you're right, it is a little overwhelming sometimes, I've wanted to get to know you for so long that I, sometimes I want to pinch myself, I can't believe that you're really here, that I get to see you, speak to you every day. But that's okay, we can be overwhelmed and we can find our feet, figure out our relationship, we can do it all together."

Shelby smiled, "I do love you Rachel."

"I know" Rachel gently squeezed Shelby's hand, "I love you too Mom" she said before picking up her burger and taking a bite, hoping to encourage Shelby to do the same, desperate to do anything she could to help her Mom.


	24. Chapter 24

"Hey" Leroy greeted Shelby when she came up from the basement late on Saturday morning, "yoga?"

"Yeah" Shelby smiled, "is Rachel upstairs?" she asked, having gone to do some yoga in the basement while Rachel was at her dance class.

"She is" he nodded, "she asked if I'd ask you to go and see her when you were done. I don't know if she might want a hand with her makeup or her hair or whatever it is you women do when you're getting ready to go out."

"I'd better go and see what she wants then" Shelby laughed, thanking Leroy as he handed her a mug of coffee before heading upstairs, knocking gently on Rachel's half open bedroom door.

"Mom" Rachel grinned, "hey."

"Hi" Shelby smiled as she walked into the room, "your Dad said you wanted to see me."

Rachel nodded, "I just wanted to see you for a little while before I go out" she said honestly before looking up at Shelby, "would you, would you drop me off and pick me up?"

Shelby smiled, "I'll definitely drop you off" she nodded, "but depending on when you want to come home, I, I don't want to drive, especially not with you in the car, if I'm too tired, so if you're coming back really late one of your dads might have to pick you up, is that okay?"

Rachel nodded, she didn't want her Mom driving when she was too tired either, "Okay. Will you, will you help me do my hair?"

"Sure" Shelby took a sip of her coffee, "when do you need to leave? Have I got time to go get changed first?"

"Yeah" Rachel nodded, "we've got about an hour or so before I need to leave."

"Okay" Shelby took another sip of her coffee before placing the mug down on Rachel's dressing table, dropping a kiss to her daughter's damp hair before leaving the room. "So what are we doing?" Shelby asked when she came back a few minutes later dressed in jeans and an oversized sweater, standing behind Rachel and carefully combing her fingers through Rachel's hair before taking a sip from her coffee.

"I thought maybe a ponytail but with the ends curled?"

"Sounds good" Shelby reached for Rachel's comb and hairdryer so she could dry her hair before styling it. They made small talk about Rachel's friends and their plans for the rest of the day as Shelby curled her hair, and Shelby couldn't help but smile as she saw Rachel turning her head to try and get sight of the back of her hair in the mirror once she'd finished, "is it okay?" Shelby asked.

"Okay? It's great Mom, thank you!"

"You're welcome" Shelby smiled softly, watching as Rachel took out a small makeup bag, "do you want me to…" she gestured to the makeup.

Rachel's face lit up, "will you? Really?"

"Of course" Shelby set out Rachel's makeup on the vanity table, "give me a sec" she said, leaving the room, coming back a few minutes later with her own makeup bag, taking out a few items, chuckling quietly as she saw Rachel looking through her makeup. She worked in silence, concentrating on what she was doing as she applied Rachel's makeup, she knew her opinion was probably biased but Rachel had a natural beauty and Shelby did her best to enhance that, a little highlighter to show off her cheekbones, eyeshadow colours chosen to make her eyes pop, Rachel didn't need the heavy make up that Shelby wore on a daily basis, didn't really need makeup but she understood why she wanted to wear it. "All done" she said after applying a little lip gloss, allowing Rachel to turn and see herself in the mirror. "Is it… do you like it?" she asked nervously after Rachel spent a while staring silently at her reflection, "I can take it off if you don't …"

Shelby was cut off when Rachel flung herself at her Mom, wrapping her in a tight hug, "I love it Mom, I look amazing, thank you!"

"You looked amazing before" Shelby told her, "you're beautiful exactly as you are."

"You're my Mom" Rachel rolled her eyes, "you have to say that."

"I don't say things I don't mean" Shelby said sincerely before glancing at the time, "go get changed" she said softly, "if you're lucky, I might let you drive."

Rachel's eyes lit up and she hugged Shelby tightly, kissing her cheek and telling her, "you're the best Mom!" before taking her new clothes from the wardrobe and slipping into her bathroom to change.

As promised, Shelby let Rachel drive to Breadsticks, saying goodbye to Rachel in the car, not wanting to embarrass the girl in front of her friends, but she was surprised to find herself wrapped in a tight hug as she walked round the car to get into the driver's seat. She was quick to return the hug, kissing Rachel's temple, "have a good day" she told her once Rachel broke the hug, "and don't worry about me, I'll be fine okay?"

Rachel nodded l, "if you, if you're asleep when I get home, can I…"

Shelby could tell Rachel was nervous about the question she was asking and she put her index finger under the girl's chin to look her in the eye, "I've told you, you can come in any time you like. Now go enjoy yourself, I'll see you tonight."

Rachel hugged Shelby again, "I love you Mom."

"I love you too Rachel" Shelby smiled before getting into her car, giving Rachel one last wave before driving off.

Shelby tucked herself up in the armchair once she was back at the Berry's house, Leroy not at all surprised when he saw her tug the blanket from the back of the chair and wrap it around her body as she scrolled through her phone.

"You've been staring at your phone for almost half an hour" Leroy told her a while later, "is everything okay?" The two of them were alone in the living room, Hiram in the office working on some things he'd bought home from the office.

Shelby sighed, "I'm beginning to wonder if this is all too much, if this is all bigger than I think it is, I think…" she shook her head, "I know that the whole food thing is probably a bigger deal than I'm trying to make out it is and I…" she sighed again, unable to find the words, instead just handing her phone to Leroy.

Leroy wasn't sure what he was going to see, but he never expected to see the words, 'Private Residential Treatment Centre' staring up at him, the line underneath telling him that the centre was 'for women and adolescent girls with mood disorders, addictions and eating disorders.' "You think you need inpatient care?"

Shelby shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe. Probably. But then I think about last time and I know it was different then, that I was fighting against it because I didn't want to be there and that wouldn't be the case this time but I..." she shrugged, "I don't know."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Leroy asked, "about what happened last time?"

"No" Shelby whispered, her eyes filling with tears, "not really".

"Okay" Leroy didn't push it, "where is this place? he gestured to the phone.

"Just outside of Columbus."

Leroy nodded again, "if you honestly think this will benefit you, if you think that this is what you need to get you back on track, then Hiram and I will support you however we can."

"I sense a but coming."

"Have you mentioned it to your therapist? Your concerns about your appetite in particular?" he asked, "and thought about, either upping your therapy sessions, or perhaps seeing someone who specialises in eating disorders alongside your current therapist?"

"No, I...no."

"Maybe that might be worth a try before you commit to an inpatient program, especially if you're not completely sure about it."

"I don't know how I'd tell…" Shelby had no idea how to even begin to bring this up with her therapist.

"Would it help to write a few bullet points for things you want to ask your therapist?" Leroy suggested, "or Hiram or I could come in with you and bring this up on your behalf, it would be your choice whether we stayed after that or not."

Shelby sighed, letting her head fall into her hands, "I...I don't know" her head was swimming, she didn't know what to think, she just wanted a minute, wanted everything to stop for a moment, she just wanted a minute of peace, but she knew her brain wouldn't give her that.

"Is there anything I can do?" Leroy asked.

Shelby bit her lip, not sure whether to be honest or not but she couldn't find the energy to make up a lie, she knew she could tell Leroy there was nothing he could do, but instead, she found herself telling him, "I didn't eat breakfast" before she could stop herself.

"Oh Shelby" Leroy reached out to take hold of her hand, he knew she'd barely eaten anything at dinner the night before either, "did you eat anything at lunch yesterday?" Shelby's silence answered for her and he gently squeezed her hand, knowing that her breakfast the day before had been a banana, a yoghurt, two mugs of black coffee and a piece of nicotine gum. "Oh Shelby."

"I'm not doing it on purpose" she told him, "I just, I don't get hungry and I, if I force myself to eat something it feels like it just sits there, and I know it's not normal, it's not healthy but…" she shrugged.

"Would you like me to make you something?"

"I…" Shelby shrugged, "I know I should eat but I just, I…" she shrugged again.

"Would you like to try and eat something?" Leroy asked, "I'll make you something and you can eat as much or as little as you want."

"Okay" Shelby nodded, "I can't, I can't promise I'll eat a lot but I, I know I should at least try."

"That's all we ask." Leroy took a breath, "with regards to your eating in the long term…" he thought about what he was going to say as he sat on the edge of the coffee table still holding Shelby's hand, "this is just a suggestion, you can say no if you want to. But do you think it would help if Hiram and I… if we took some of that control? If we cooked for you and ate with you?"

"I don't know" Shelby whispered.

"Do you want to try it?" he asked, "we'll make you a plate, and sit with you until you've finished it. We can take as long as you need."

"I… I don't think I could manage a lot."

"Okay" Leroy was relieved that Shelby seemed willing to try, "we can start small, and right now, I think that anything you eat is a good thing" he and Hiram had both seen how little Shelby was eating, had noticed that she was starting to visibly lose weight, and he only hoped that her sitting down to eat with them would be the start of her beginning to regain 'normal' eating habits.

"I'll try" Shelby nodded, "I want to, I don't… I want to eat, I want to get better."

"I know" you do "Leroy squeezed her hand, "I…" he thought for a moment, debating whether or not to ask the question on his mind, "do you know how much you weigh Shelby?"

She shook her head, not making eye contact as she whispered, "I don't think I want to."

"It's completely your choice" Leroy told her, "but would you let me weigh you? You don't have to if you don't want to, and you don't have to look at the number if you let me weigh you."

Shelby bit her lip before giving a single nod, "I, I don't want to see it."

"Okay" Leroy helped Shelby to her feet. "let's get that done and then I'll make you a snack before dinner. He could feel Shelby shaking as she stood so he kept hold of her hand as he led her upstairs, into the ensuite off his own bedroom where they kept the scales, "I have to ask, and I'd ask anyone else in this situation, do you have anything in your pockets?"

Shelby took her phone from her pocket and placed it on the counter by the sink, "just that, but I can…" she gestured to her clothes.

Leroy shook his head, "I trust you" he told her as he set the scales in the floor and turned them on, "step on when you're ready" he told her, "you can either look at me or close your eyes, whatever you're most comfortable with." Shelby nodded and took a deep breath and focused on the ceiling as she slowly stepped onto the scales, closing her eyes when she heard them beep. "Okay" Leroy tried to hide his shock, Shelby weighed less than Rachel had at her last check up six months ago and Rachel had always been petite, had always fallen at the smaller end of the average range on her doctor's growth charts. "All done" he dropped a towel on the display of the scale so Shelby wouldn't see it.

"Is it bad?" Shelby whispered as Leroy held onto her hands as she stepped from the scale.

"It's not great" he said honestly, "but it's not terrible, "I can't give you exact numbers off the top of my head, but if we went by your BMI, which isn't always the most accurate way to decide if someone is a healthy weight or not, I'd say you'd definitely be underweight but I think it would probably take less than ten pounds to get you back to a healthy BMI, obviously it would be better for you to be closer to the middle of the 'healthy' range but that's okay, we can work our way towards that."

"If I give you a number" Shelby said softly as they headed downstairs, "can you tell me if it's higher or lower? I don't want to know the exact number but…"

Leroy nodded, "if that's what you want then I can do that, and if you ever change your mind and want to know your weight I'll tell you. You just have to ask"

Shelby nodded, "I don't, right now but… "

"What's the number?" Leroy asked.

"95" Shelby whispered.

"The number on the scale was higher than 95" Leroy told her as he cut up some fruit for her, hoping more than anything that the number Shelby had given him wasn't a previous weight, unless it was what she'd weighed as a child.

"Okay" Shelby nodded, "thank you." Silence fell between them as Leroy placed a small bowl of fruit in front of Shelby and sat beside her at the table, "I know you want to ask" she whispered as she stabbed at a piece of melon with her fork, "about the number I gave you."

"I do" Leroy agreed, "but I also know that you know I won't push you, if you want to tell me about it you can, if you don't then that's okay."

Shelby sighed, lifting the fork to her mouth and chewing slowly, "when you first came back from your trip" she poked at the fruit again, "in the store, I told you I'd had some issues with food in the past?" Leroy nodded, not wanting to interrupt, he stayed silent as Shelby ate a piece of pineapple, letting her talk to him in his own time. "It wasn't… I didn't just decide to stop eating but I, I wanted…" she sighed again before telling him, "I got down to 95 pounds before…"

"Before?" Leroy gently prompted.

"It was when I was in the hospital" she didn't lift her gaze from the bowl of fruit, "I didn't… it wasn't just food, I wasn't engaging with anything, I didn't eat, didn't take my meds, wouldn't go to therapy, I just wanted to stay in bed all day, I wanted them to let me go home so I could finish what I'd started." Leroy sighed quietly and put his hand on Shelby's back, knowing exactly what she meant, she wanted to go home and end her life, "I wasn't there voluntarily" Shelby continued with her story, not bothering to wipe away the single tear that rolled down her cheek, "so I didn't really get a choice, I hadn't really been eating properly since Rachel was born, I'd already lost weight before I was admitted, and when I got to 95 pounds, that's when I…" she shook her head, "I don't want to talk about what happened next."

"Okay" Leroy nodded, he didn't need Shelby to continue, he could imagine what the hospital's next step would have been to treat a severely underweight woman who was refusing to eat, "you don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with Shelby. Not just about this, but about anything. But I will tell you, your weight isn't that low yet, you're only a few pounds away from having a healthy BMI and Hiram and I, we'll work with you, work with your therapist, your doctor to get you back there" he gently stroked Shelby's back.

Shelby nodded, still pushing the fruit around the bowl. "thank you."

"You don't need to thank me" Leroy told her before asking, "do you think you can eat a little more?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, picking up another piece of melon, "I...yeah."

"We're going to help you Shelby" Leroy promised, "whatever it takes, Hiram and I, we're not going to let you fight it alone."

Shelby nodded and ate another piece of fruit. "I worry sometimes that this, that it's all too much for Rachel, that she's somehow going to pick up on my crazy."

"You're not crazy Shelby. And Rachel hasn't 'caught' Hiram's depression, she won't 'catch it from you. Rachel already has a therapist. And she was seeing her before she found out about your depression so you can't blame yourself for that, and she's open, if Rachel is struggling then she'll tell us, and we'll get her help just like we got Hiram help, just like we're getting you the help you need."

"It all feels so overwhelming sometimes" she admitted, "being able to be Rachel's Mom, having her here and I, I don't want to let her down Leroy, I really don't want to let her down."

"You won't" he told her, "you're a good Mom Shelby, I know it's difficult but you need to try and ignore your anxieties and try and listen to your instincts."

"I…"

"Rachel loves spending time with you, even if you're just watching a movie together in bed, you don't need to do anything to 'impress' her. You don't need to put yourself out, just keep loving her. That's all you need to do."

"I don't think I could stop loving her even if I tried."

"Then you'll be just fine Shelby. I'm sure of it."


	25. Chapter 25

Just as a heads up for anyone that may find it triggering, this chapter contains brief mention of binge eating.

* * *

"I spoke to my therapist today, about my eating habits" Shelby told Rachel as they laid together in bed on Tuesday evening, "because I know that's something that worries you."

"I didn't…"

"It's okay" Shelby reassured her, "I know this isn't easy for you. My therapist said that lack of appetite is common with depression, and that the meds she's prescribed can alter my appetite too. She's asked me to keep a food diary for the next week, and she said that if the diary worries her, or if my appetite doesn't improve as my moods start to stabalize and my body gets used to the meds, then she'll refer me to a dietician, and the doctor changed the dosage of my medication, she wants me to try it for two weeks and if I'm still not feeling any benefit then she'll change it to something else."

"Thank you for doing that" Rachel said quietly. "I appreciate you bringing it up, and telling me about it, I don't want you to think I'm getting over protective or that I'm prying into things…"

"You're my daughter" Shelby told her, "and for now we're living in the same house, you're going to notice things like how much I eat, or don't as the case may be. That's not a private thing. And I appreciate your concern, I just wish you didn't have to worry about me."

"It's okay" Rachel reassured her, "I'm just glad that you're here for me to worry about."

Shelby was trying, she was eating dinner with Rachel and her fathers, allowing Hiram and Leroy to put food on her plate and doing her best to eat everything they gave her. Unfortunately that meant that most days she skipped lunch to give her a better chance of being able to eat dinner with the family, and, as much as she hated herself for it, some mornings she found herself unable to eat breakfast either. Luckily for Shelby, Leroy seemed on the ball, seemed to know without her saying anything when she was struggling, presenting her with a smoothie when he knew she couldn't face eating anything.

"Hir" Leroy mumbled, rubbing at his eyes when he was woken by his husband getting out of bed, early in the hours of Saturday morning, "what's wrong?"

"Someone went downstairs almost thirty minutes ago, I think it was Shelby, she hasn't come back up yet, I'm going to see if she's okay."

"Okay" he sat up too, "I'll come down with you."

"Shelby?" the only light they could see was that from the cooker hood, but even so, as they stepped into the kitchen, Hiram and Leroy could still make out the tears rolling down Shelby's cheeks as she sat at the table forcing herself to eat a protein bar she obviously didn't want to be eating, the amount of food wrappers scattered over the tabletop worrying both men, neither sure what was going on. "Shelby" Hiram sat beside her, gently putting his hand on hers, stopping her taking another bite, "Shelby, stop this."

She shook her head, fighting against his grip, the glazed look in her eyes telling him she wasn't really there, and for the first time, Hiram could truly say that he was scared by Shelby's behaviour, "I need to eat it."

Leroy leaned back against the side, letting Hiram speak to Shelby but staying close enough to step in of there was anything he could do to help, "why?" he asked softly.

"Because… because…" Shelby had no words so she forced herself to her feet with such force that Hiram had to grab the chair to stop it tumbling over. Her fingers fumbled with the knot in the belt of her robe but she eventually managed to untie it, pushing the thin fabric off her shoulders so she was stood before the men in just her underwear. Any other time she'd never have done anything like that, would have been too self conscious of the scars that littered her stomach and thighs. Any other time she'd have been only too aware that it was only the positioning of the fabric of her boyshorts across her hips that kept her biggest secret just that. Any other time she'd know that one wrong move could expose the one thing she'd vowed never to speak about again. But not tonight. "Look at me" she gestured to herself, to the outline of her ribcage, her clavicles protruding like they were about to snap through her skin, "it's horrible, I'm disgusting and I, I need to eat" she reached, almost robotically for the protein bar.

"No Shelby" Hiram gently took hold of her arm, even in the semi darkness he could make out, not only the bones that had disgusted Shelby, but her scars, the physical reminders of her mental anguish. "You're not disgusting, you're struggling, and that's okay" he told her, not noticing Leroy slip from the room, "and I think you and I both know this isn't the way to eat more Shelby, this isn't healthy."

She said nothing but broke down, huge sobs taking over her body as she fell into Hiram's open arms, "I'm sorry" she clung to him like he was the only thing keeping her afloat, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Hiram nodded in thanks as Leroy returned with the blanket from the armchair, unfolding it and draping it around Shelby's shoulders, noting how he could make out most of her vertebrae, it was obvious that Shelby's issues with food had been going on for a while, "you've got nothing to be sorry for Shelby, "nothing at all."

"Shelby" Leroy sat in the chair beside his husband, "I know it might be a tough question for you to answer but how much have you eaten?"

"All of it. And the leftovers from the fridge and… and… and."

"It's okay" Leroy put his hand on her back, "it's okay, you don't need to tell me anymore" he did a quick calculation in his head, including the leftovers but not including whatever it was that Shelby didn't manage to tell them about, she'd eaten more calories in the last hour than she usually did in two or three days.

"I'm sorry" Shelby sobbed, "I'll replace it all, I didn't… I just want it to stop" she cried. "I want to be okay. I just want to be okay."

Leroy heard Shelby heave as she sobbed, his reflexes quick, knocking the lid off the trash can and holding it out just in time for Shelby to vomit into it,the force of her cries along with her unusually full stomach too much for her tired body to handle, "you're okay" Leroy reassured her, holding back her hair as she continued to heave over the trash can, "it's okay." He waited until Shelby stopped heaving before getting her a glass of water, "just sip it slowly" he said as he lifted the glass to her lips.

"I think we should call your therapist when the office opens" Hiram said softly once Shelby's sobs had calmed to quiet whimpers, "see if we can see about changing your meds and getting you some more help sooner rather than later because this obviously aren't working for you is it?"

Shelby shook her head, "I just want to be okay" she whispered.

Hiram wiped at Shelby's tears as Leroy rubbed circles on her back, "you will be" he promised, "you're doing so well Shelby" he heard her scoff, "you are. If you'd have been in your apartment tonight and you'd felt this way, what would you have done?" Shelby's silence answered for her, "and you didn't do that did you?" Shelby shook her head, "and that takes strength Shelby. I promise, you'll get through this, we'll make sure of it."

"I'm so tired" Shelby whispered.

"I can imagine" Hiram nodded, he knew how exhausting it was to spend every day fighting with your own mind, and Shelby seemed to be fighting something much bigger than he'd ever struggled with so he could only imagine how desperate she was for both physical and mental respite from her demons. "Why don't we go and lay on the couch, we'll be comfier than we are here and you might be able to doze off for a little while."

She nodded, "yeah" she whispered, "okay."

"Shelby" Leroy spoke gently, "do you want me to go and get you something to wear?"

She nodded again and sniffled quietly, "my pyjamas are in the bathroom" she told him.

"Okay" Leroy quickly gathered up the food wrappers and pushed them into the trash can, "I'll go get them for you. Do you… do you think you might need to take a pill."

"I, I don't…" Shelby knew it was probably a sensible thing to do but she hated how it made her feel after she'd taken it.

"Why don't you just take half?" Hiram suggested, "like you did the other evening, it made you feel a little better but without as many as the side effects, you felt well enough to go to work the morning after it." Shelby said nothing but nodded against Hiram's chest, giving Leroy her permission.

"Okay, I'll bring it down for you" Leroy gently rubbed Shelby's back a final time before heading back upstairs.

Hiram continued rocking Shelby in his arms as Leroy went to get her pyjamas, kissing her hair and rubbing her back as she sobbed into his chest, Hiram desperately trying to calm her down before she had a panic attack. "I, I don't like being sick" Shelby sobbed as she felt her stomach churn again. "not since…"

"Not since what?" Hiram prompted gently.

Shelby shook her head, realising she'd said too much, "doesn't matter" she clung to Hiram as more tears fell, her frail body trembling in his arms.

"I think it does matter" Hiram said gently as he wiped at her tears, "but I won't force you if you're not ready to talk about it."

Leroy helped Shelby back into her pyjamas once he came downstairs and, once she'd taken her medication he easily lifted her into his arms, carrying her through to the living room and sitting her on the couch where she, almost instantly, curled back into Hiram as she cried, her body eventually going limp in his arms as she cried herself to sleep.

Hiram said nothing but looked up at Leroy, closing his eyes when he felt his husband place a gentle kiss to his head. "I…"

"She's been looking at inpatient treatment" Leroy sighed, "she showed me a place she'd been looking at last week."

"What did you say?"

"I told her that whatever decision she made we'd support her, but I also suggested she mentioned it to her therapist before she made a firm decision, especially as she seems to still be struggling with her feelings from the last time she was hospitalised."

"I've got an emergency contact number for the therapist, I'll wait until a more decent hour and then call her, and hope she doesn't suggest taking Shelby to the hospital."

"Do you…" Leroy sighed, "do you think she's going to hurt herself?"

"I hope not" honestly, Hiram wasn't sure anymore, "I think that if she did want to do anything like that, she had every opportunity to do it tonight, it was obvious that she'd been downstairs for a while before we got there, and maybe what she was doing was a form of self harm but…" he sighed, "it could have been worse. God, how bad is that? We're grateful that she didn't hurt herself 'worse' than she did. I wish there was something I could do."

"You're there for her Hir, whenever she needs you, you're there, you hold her and you comfort her and you make sure she's getting the help and support that she needs."

"It's not enough though is it Leroy, she's still…" he gestured to the woman sleeping against him.

"This isn't your fault Hiram, it's not my fault and it's not Shelby's fault either. Just like if Shelby had a physical illness, that wouldn't be our fault either. Yes this is more than we can deal with alone, but we're not doing it alone, Shelby's getting professional help, she has a doctor and a therapist and they will help her get through this, and we'll do all we can to help her too. I suggested that she sees a dietician or a nutritionist so that might be something to bring up when she sees her therapist."

"I suppose so" Hiram sighed, "I guess I just wish I could take this all from her."

"Do you need to see someone?" Leroy asked, "if you're struggling with this then we can get you some help too."

Hiram shook his head, "I think I…" he sighed, "seeing her like that shocked me a little, I've never, this was the first time I've ever been scared by her behaviour."

Leroy sat beside Hiram and put his arm around him, pulling him in and kissing him softly as he ran his fingers through Hiram's hair. "I know, but hopefully this is just a blip, that seeing her therapist and maybe changing her meds will help get her back on track, she's been doing well, this is just a temporary setback, you know you had them too."

"I know" Hiram sighed, "I know, I'm just glad she's here, that we heard her, that she wasn't at home on her own, wasn't sat down here all night forcing herself to eat until she was sick."

"Me too, and I'm glad Rachel didn't find her."

Hiram nodded, "she erm, Shelby she told me she doesn't like being sick, so I don't know what would have happened if she'd been on her own. She said she didn't like being sick since something happened but she wouldn't tell me what."

"If she doesn't want to talk about it with us then maybe you could suggest that she talks about it to her therapist."

"Yeah" Hiram gently stroked Shelby's back as he felt her stir slightly, reminded of all the times he'd settled Rachel when she'd been younger, "I think there's so much she's trying to keep bottled up that it's somewhat inevitable that that bottle is going to overflow eventually." He saw the way Leroy was looking at him, "what?"

"Will you make an appointment to see someone?" he asked, "I'm worried about how this is affecting you, and please don't tell me you're okay, if you really were okay about all of this I'd be even more worried about you Hiram."

Hiram nodded, "I feel like I'm managing right now but if it makes you happy I'll make an appointment on Monday, Shelby's seeing my therapist so I'll see someone else in the office, I don't want there to be a conflict of interests or for Shelby to worry that her therapist's going to break her confidence when she's speaking to me."

"Okay" Leroy kissed Hiram softly, "thank you."

"What about you?" Hiram carefully shifted his hold on Shelby so he had a hand free to take hold of Leroy's, "how are you holding up?"

"It's hard seeing her like this, seeing how it's affecting you and Rachel but I'm coping, I just wish there was more I could do."

"I know" Hiram said softly, "I know and I'm sure Shelby knows too, that you're doing everything you can, and that if you could do more, you'd do it in a heartbeat."

"She knows the same about you Hir, she knows we're all doing the best we can for her."

Hiram leaned up to kiss Leroy, "why don't you go back to bed?" he suggested, "she'll know something's wrong, but I'd still like Rachel to go to dance in the morning if she will. You need some rest."

"Let me take Shelby upstairs" Leroy said softly, "you need rest too if you're going to be driving Shelby to her therapist, I'll put her in our bed and you can stay with her, I'll sleep in Rachel's room."

Hiram nodded, "I'd appreciate that, thank you" he wasn't sure he'd sleep but he knew that he and Shelby would both be more comfortable in a bed.

Once again, Leroy lifted Shelby into his arms, the woman so exhausted she didn't even stir as she was moved. "There we go" he laid her on his own side of the bed and pulled the covers over her. "Get some rest" he told Hiram, "and if you, or Shelby need anything at all I'll be in Rachel's room."

Hiram nodded and allowed himself to be embraced tightly by his husband. "I love you".

"I love you too, and we'll get through this, all of us, we'll get through it I promise."


	26. Chapter 26

"Dad" Rachel panicked when she came downstairs and found Leroy was alone. "Where's Mom? She wasn't in bed and…"

Leroy gently guided Rachel into a chair at the table and sat down beside her, "your Mom had a rough night" he told her, "she's in our room with your Daddy, I slept on your bed. When he wakes, Daddy's going to call your Mom's therapist and see if she can see someone today."

"But she's okay?"

"She's safe" Leroy reassured her, "she's with your Daddy."

"Did she… did she hurt herself?"

"She didn't cut herself."

Rachel frowned, "did she hurt herself some other way?"

"I don't want to lie to you Rachel, but I don't know how much your Mom would be comfortable with you knowing, but, as far as I'm aware, Shelby didn't come to any physical harm last night."

"Do you think she'll talk to me about it?" Rachel asked quietly.

"I'm sure she will" Leroy nodded, "but don't push her, let her come to you in her own time."

"I will" Rachel leaned over to hug her Dad.

"We're going to get her the help she needs Rachel, I promise you, your Daddy and I will do everything we can to help Shelby get better." Leroy told her as he carefully pulled his daughter to sit on his lap, holding her tightly.

Rachel was still cradled in Leroy's arms when Hiram came downstairs, "where's Mom?" Rachel asked. "Is she okay?"

"She's still sleeping Princess" Hiram kissed her hair, "why don't you go up and see her for five minutes before breakfast, try not to wake her though."

Rachel nodded and almost ran from the room, "how did you sleep?" Leroy gently pulled Hiram down to take Rachel's place on his lap.

Hiram sighed as he let his head rest on Leroy's shoulder, "up and down" he said honestly, "Shelby slept right through but I feel like I woke everytime she moved."

"If you want to take an ambien tonight and knock yourself out then I'll keep an ear open for Rachel or Shelby."

Hiram nodded, "I might take a nap when I get back later, see how I feel after that."

"Okay, are you going to call the therapist's office or…"

"I did it before I came down" Hiram told him, "I spoke to her therapist and she said that if I can get Shelby there for about 10.30, she'll be there and there'll be a doctor there who can talk to Shelby about her medication. And I'll make myself an appointment to see someone while I'm there" he added before Leroy could say anything.

"Thank you" Leroy kissed Hiram's temple.

"Did you sleep?" Hiram asked.

"Yeah, I fell asleep quite quickly after we went back upstairs and woke about half an hour ago. You could sleep in Shelby's room tonight, or I'll sleep in with Shelby if she wants to be with one of us so you can get some rest."

"I'll bear that in mind." Hiram nodded, "I'll see if I manage to nap later and we can talk to Shelby too, to see if she wants one of us to stay with her."

"Okay" Leroy smiled, "are you ready for breakfast?"

"Yeah" Hiram nodded, "want me to…"

"You go get Rachel" Leroy kissed his temple again, "I'll make pancakes for her."

"Thank you" Hiram smiled as he stood up and made his way upstairs. He found Rachel curled on her side facing Shelby, singing quietly under her breath as she held Shelby's hand, watching Shelby sleep. "Dad's making pancakes" he said after watching her for a moment. "I'm going to take your Mom to see her therapist later, so if you want to go to your dance class then you should, your Mom will be safe while you're gone and having a distraction might be good for you."

Rachel nodded as she stood from the bed, walking into Hiram's open arms, "Mom said she'd come to my show, so maybe I should go, so I can practice and be the best I can be at my show."

"That sounds like a good plan" Hiram smiled, "let's go downstairs for breakfast."

"But Mom…"

"We'll hear her if she wakes. And I'm sure Dad will make enough pancakes for her to have some later if she wants them."

"Okay" Rachel pulled away from Hiram, walking back over to Shelby and gently kissing her forehead and whispering, "I love you Mom" before letting Hiram lead her downstairs.

They ate breakfast in silence and, once they'd finished, Rachel went to get ready for her dance class and Hiram went to wake Shelby. "Wha…" Shelby felt slightly groggy as she woke, "I…" she cursed under her breath, her head felt fuzzy and she'd woken in a bed she didn't recognise. She hated herself, she'd promised herself she'd never do this again.

"Hey."

Shelby's eyes snapped open, "Hiram." suddenly it all came flooding back to her, sobbing in his arms in the kitchen, being in her underwear, taking the valium…

"Yeah, are you okay?"

Shelby glanced around the room, "I… I'm in your bed?"

"Yeah" he nodded, "you fell asleep downstairs, Leroy carried you up here and I stayed with you, he slept in Rachel's bed."

"Oh, okay".

"I've spoken to your therapist" Hiram told her, "we need to leave in about 45 minutes, she'll be there to talk to you and there'll be a doctor in that can talk to you about changing your meds if that's what you want."

Shelby nodded, "will you, will you come with me?"

"Of course" Hiram took her hand, "I had no intention of letting you go alone. Now, why don't you get ready and I'll get you some breakfast, do you think you can manage something?"

Shelby's mind flashed back to the moment she'd vomited into the trash can and she felt her stomach lurch again, "not really" she sighed, "but I'll try."

"Thank you" Hiram gently squeezed Shelby's hand, "I'll see you downstairs when you're ready."

When Shelby walked into the kitchen, Leroy greeted her with a smile and a plate, he hadn't given her much, just one pancake and a small serving of fruit, "just eat what you can" he told her, "don't force yourself."

He and Hiram shared a look as they watched Shelby fighting a silent battle with herself. Her eyes were focused on her plate but she wasn't eating, was simply cutting her food into smaller and smaller pieces as she pushed it around the plate.

"Do you want me to put that in the dishwasher?" Leroy asked after watching Shelby push the food around the plate for a few more minutes.

"No" Shelby snapped, clutching at her plate, "no, I need to eat it" she began frantically shovelling the food into her mouth barely chewing each mouthful before she swallowed.

"Shelby" Hiram tried to take the plate, "please don't do this."

"No" Shelby repeated, "I need to eat it."

"Not like this" he said softly, "we can get you something else."

Shelby shook her head, "no. I need to eat it." The plate of food was gone within seconds, Shelby feeling uncomfortably full as she stood to put her, now empty, plate in the dishwasher. She didn't make it though, quickly dropped the plate onto the counter as her stomach lurched and she managed to make it to the sink, fingers curling around the worktop as she vomited up the food she'd just eaten.

Leroy saw Shelby's legs give way as she began to sob noisily and managed to catch her before she fell, sitting her on the floor as Hiram poured her a glass of water, "can you slow your breathing down for me Shelby?" he slowed his own breathing, "take some sips of the water, that will help."

Hiram looked to Leroy when they heard footsteps on the stairs, "take Rachel to dance" he insisted, "I'll look after Shelby."

Leroy managed to stop Rachel before she made it into the kitchen, and, despite Rachel's insistence that she wanted to say bye to her Mom, Leroy told Rachel that Shelby was a little upset and managed to convince her to leave Hiram and Shelby alone.

Hiram sat with Shelby until she calmed down a little, but she was still crying and shaking when he helped her out to the car. As much as he wanted to tuck her back in bed and let her try and sleep like he knew she wanted to, he also knew that she needed more help than he could give her so he needed to take her to her appointment.

Shelby was still shaking when Hiram helped her from the car, his arm around her waist as they made their way up to the therapist's office. Luckily Shelby's therapist was waiting for them and invited Shelby straight back into her room so she didn't have to sit in the waiting area, despite there only being two other people waiting.

The therapist stayed calm when she saw Shelby, taking her through to her office and sitting with her, using tried and tested techniques to help her calm down from the impending panic attack she was sure was going to consume her. Once Shelby was calmer, her therapist asked if Shelby thought some background music would help her relax a little. She got the slightest of nods and turned to her filing cabinet, taking out a stack of CDs and handing them to Shelby. Shelby picked out some soft jazz and the therapist complimented her in her choice, "why don't you make yourself comfortable while I put this on and then we can talk" she suggested, not wanting Shelby to feel like she had to sit in the chair she usually favoured. She saw Shelby glance nervously around the room, "wherever you feel comfortable Shelby" she reassured her, "wherever you feel safe." Shelby still didn't look sure, "it's not my place to judge. I've spent sessions laid on the floor, sat by the door, there was one time where I spent the first twenty minutes of the hour talking to someone who was curled in a ball under my desk. Whatever works for you."

That was how Shelby found herself curled on her side on the couch, knees pulled up to her chest, her whole body still trembling as she clutched a throw pillow in her arms, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks as she did her best to engage with her therapist, to stop her mind wandering to places she didn't want it to go.

As Shelby spoke to her therapist, and then saw a doctor about her medication, Hiram made himself an appointment to see someone before settling down in the waiting area, he'd promised Shelby he wouldn't go anywhere so he didn't.

Shelby had lost all perspective of time, she had no idea how long she'd been laid on the couch, it could have been minutes or it could have been days, she really couldn't tell, and she knew that she probably should be worried about that but she really couldn't bring herself to care. Hiram on the other hand knew exactly how long Shelby had been gone, knew she'd gone well over the usual hour she spent with her therapist, but he trusted the woman, trusted her to do what was best for Shelby and knew she wouldn't send Shelby out until she was sure she'd be okay, at least until her next session.

Shelby looked completely exhausted when she stepped back into the waiting area, "ready to go home?" Hiram asked as he walked over to her.

"Yeah" Shelby whispered, "I just want to sleep. I, I need to pick up a prescription on the way home."

"Okay" Hiram nodded, "we can do that, do you want us to keep Rachel out of the way when we're home so you can sleep?"

Shelby shook her head and sighed as she got into Hiram's car, "I'll talk to her first, I don't want her to worry."

"Do you want some time before we go home?" Hiram asked, Shelby seemed a lot calmer and more coherent than she had been before her session and Hiram was grateful for that, "we can take as long as you need."

"I think I'm okay" Shelby whispered, "she's erm, the doctor's given me a prescription for new meds and more valium, she wants me to take the original dose every day until I go back to see her in two weeks, but she says I can take half in the morning and half in the evening if that makes me feel better. The therapist, she erm, she gave me details of a dietician that she thinks I should speak to, and she talked about upping my sessions to twice a week and maybe trying CBT. I, I said I wanted to look into it a little more but I agreed to the second session, at least for now."

"That's good" Hiram nodded, "I think the second session will help, and I don't really think you've got anything to lose by trying a new medication. Did you ask the doctor about switching the valium?" It was something they'd spoken about, Shelby bringing up the side effects that the medication gave her when she took the full dose she'd been prescribed and asking if there was an alternative.

"I mentioned it" Shelby nodded, "but she said that, if I can, she wants me to stick with it for a while, it's why she suggested I take half a dose twice a day. She said that, because it works, even if it gives me side effects, she's reluctant to change it at the same time as my antidepressants in case whatever she gives me instead doesn't work. She said once we've got an antidepressant that's working well then she'll look into giving me something else for my anxiety when I need it."

"Okay" Hiram nodded, "that makes sense."

"She signed me off work too" Shelby whispered, "for two weeks. She said we can talk about if I need longer when I go back."

Hiram nodded again, "how do you feel about that?"

Shelby shrugged, "I don't know, its not what I wanted to do but if it's what the doctor thinks is best…"

"Maybe a break is what you need".

"Yeah" Shelby sighed as she turned to look out of the window, silently telling Hiram the conversation was over, "maybe."

"Mom" Rachel almost flew into Shelby's arms when she stepped into the house.

Shelby returned the hug, "hey" she smiled tiredly.

"Are you okay?"

"I… I think so" Shelby nodded, still holding Rachel tightly. "I know you've probably got a lot of questions, that you're probably worrying about a lot of things so erm, how about you let me make some coffee and then we can go upstairs and talk about it. Unless you'd rather talk about it with your dad's there too?" she was exhausted, just wanted to curl up and sleep for the next month but she didn't want Rachel to worry about her, needed to put her daughter's mind at rest first.

Rachel shook her head," we can go upstairs. Would you like me to make your coffee?"

Shelby nodded, "that would be nice, thank you. I'm going to get changed, you don't have to knock, just come in."

"Okay" Rachel stretched onto tiptoes to kiss Shelby's cheek, "see you in a minute."

Shelby was laid on the bed when Rachel came upstairs, changed from the sweatpants she'd worn to the therapist's, into clean pyjamas, not planning on doing anything but sleep for the rest of the day.

"You look tired" Rachel said softly as she sat beside her Mom in the bed and held out the coffee.

"I didn't get much sleep" Shelby said honestly as she pushed herself to sit up, taking the mug from her daughter, "I erm, I'll probably try and sleep for a while but I want to talk to you first. I don't want you worrying about me."

Rachel smiled softly, "if you're going to try and sleep would you rather I made you some tea?"

Shelby shook her head and sipped at her coffee, "I'll be okay thanks." She put down her mug and held her arms out, Rachel shuffling into her embrace, settling with her head against her Mom's chest. "I can't tell you what happened last night" Shelby said quietly, finding it easier to talk when she couldn't look Rachel in the eye, "not because I don't want to or I'm trying to hide from you, but because I don't really know. I feel like I lost control and I, I don't remember much until I was crying in your Daddy's arms."

Rachel twisted to look up at Shelby, "did you hurt yourself?"

"No" Shelby pushed up both her sleeves, showing Rachel there were no cuts on her arms, "I think…" she sighed, "I think there was probably a part of me that wanted to but I didn't do it."

"I'm glad you didn't" Rachel's arms tightened around Shelby's middle as she laid her head back on her chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart.

"I… Daddy took me to the therapist's office and I, I spoke to a doctor and my therapist, they've changed my medication. A common side effect of the new one is increased appetite, which is one of the reasons we're trying it. And it can also cause drowsiness, so I have to take this one in the evening not the morning, so hopefully it will help me sleep."

"That would be good" Rachel nodded against Shelby's chest, "if it helps you sleep and if it makes you hungry, but, can I… "

"Can you what?" Shelby asked when Rachel stopped mid sentence.

"If the new medication makes you sleep better, can I still sleep in here sometimes?"

"Whenever you want" Shelby told her, "you can sleep on here whenever you want."

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me." Shelby briefly closed her eyes, "there's something else you should know, it's nothing to worry about, I just want you to be aware. Do you remember the day I took that pill to help with my anxiety after the panic attack I had?" Rachel nodded, "the doctor I spoke to today suggested I take a small dose of that every morning and every evening for the next week or two while my body gets used to the new medication. It's a smaller dose than I took that time so it shouldn't effect me as harshly as it did then, but I just wanted to tell you, just in case."

"I appreciate you telling me Mom, I really do."

"I erm, I'm going to take some time off work too, hopefully not long, just a week or two but I… I thought that going to work, that keeping myself busy might help, but maybe what I really need is a break from everything."

"I think maybe that would be beneficial" Rachel agreed, "even if all you do is rest, taking some time for yourself will be good for you."

"I hope so".

"Why don't you start now?" Rachel suggested, "you've reassured me that you're okay so why don't you lay down and try and get some sleep?"

"Are you…" Shelby wasn't sure what she was asking.

"Do you want me to stay?" Rachel asked, gesturing for Shelby to crawl under the covers.

"You don't have to" Shelby whispered, Rachel seeing the exhaustion in her Mom's eyes as the woman gazed up at her.

"No, but I will" Rachel said softly as she laid down beside her Mom, reaching out and letting her hand rest on Shelby's cheek as Shelby gazed up at her.

"I love you so much Rachel" Shelby gently placed her hand on top of Rachel's.

"I love you too Mom" Rachel stroked Shelby's cheek with her thumb, "close your eyes and get some sleep" Rachel watched as Shelby closed her eyes, her hand still resting on Rachel's on her cheek. She watched her Mom for a few minutes, noticed how she seemed to be struggling to relax, so she did the only thing she could do, "_You feel like you're falling backwards, like you're slippin' through the cracks, like no one would even notice if you left this town and never came back. You walk outside and all you see is rain, you look inside and all you feel is pain and you can't see it now_." She heard Shelby's breath catch in her throat but she didn't open her eyes so Rachel continued to sing,"_but down the road the sun is shining, in every cloud there's a silver lining, just keep holding on. Every heartache makes you stronger and it won't be much longer, you'll find love, you'll find peace and the you you're meant to be, I know right now that's not the way you feel but one day you will_."

Rachel continued singing quietly long after she'd felt Shelby's grip loosen on her hand, wanting to be sure the woman wouldn't wake when Rachel carefully stood from the bed and pulled the covers straight around her Mom, "I love you" Rachel whispered, kissing her hair before leaving her to sleep.

"Everything okay?" Leroy asked as Rachel walked into the living room.

She nodded silently but made her way to sit between her fathers, both men happy to hold her, "we talked for a little while and then I, I laid with her until she fell asleep."

"I'm sure Shelby appreciated that" Leroy smiled before asking, "and how are you doing?"

Rachel shrugged, "I… I want Mom to get better" she whispered, "and although I hate that she's really not okay, I'm glad that she's here with us and that she isn't on her own, that she isn't hurting herself."

"So are we" Hiram kissed Rachel's hair, "and she's welcome to stay with us for ad long as she wants to Rach, even if these meds work and she starts doing better, we're not going to kick her out."

"And we'll still support her even when she does go back home" Leroy added, smiling as Rachel nodded, "okay" Leroy gently squeezed her hand, "so how about we let your Mom rest and go make dinner.

"Yeah" Rachel nodded again, "okay."

* * *

The song Rachel sang to Shelby was 'One Day You Will' by Lady Antebellum


	27. Chapter 27

I'm going to add a disclaimer here that I live in the UK where I am lucky to have access to the wonderful NHS when I need it, so I know very little about how the American health insurance system works. I tried to do some research but some things seemed to contradict one another and I just ended up becoming even more confused, so I just made it work the way I needed it to for the story I have planned, so please forgive me if it's not at all accurate!

* * *

"Is something wrong?" Hiram asked, noticing Rachel didn't really seem herselfas they ate lunch, and he wondered if there was something more than her worries about her Mom on her mind.

Rachel sighed, "I was meant to go over to Kurt's this afternoon to work on a project but I, I don't want to leave Mom."

Hiram reached out and gently squeezed Rachel's shoulder, "you should go" he told her, "your Mom's sleeping and your Dad and I will be here and I'm sure your Mom wouldn't want to feel like you were missing out on both, school work, and spending time with your friends, because of her."

Rachel nodded, "I…"

"Your Mom will be fine Sunshine" Leroy reassured her, "she'll sleep for a while, and, like Daddy said, we'll be here for her if she wakes."

"Okay, will you try and get her to eat something when she wakes?"

"Of course" Leroy nodded.

"And her gum, she might want her gum…"

Leroy made a mental note to ask Shelby if she needed to change her nicotine patch as Hiram reassured Rachel, "we'll make sure she has everything she needs, or wants, to be comfortable."

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "I, I'll go to Kurt's."

Shelby reached for her phone once she woken eough to focus, and she tried to convince herself that it was the valium she'd taken after her appointment making her hands shake as she scrolled through her phone until she found the principal's cell phone number, quickly hitting dial before she changed her mind. "Hello" he answered the call after the third ring.

"It's erm, it's Shelby, I'm sorry to disturb your weekend but…"

"No, no, the man excused himself from his family, shutting himself in the kitchen for a little privacy, "I gave you my number so you could call me whenever you needed to, is everything okay?"

"I, I don't really know anymore" she said honestly, the man concerned by how broken Shelby sounded. "I erm, I don't really want to go into details but something happened last night and I, I've seen a doctor and my therapist this morning and the doctor erm, she, she wants me to take some time off work".

"Okay."

"She's given me a note, just for two weeks and then I…"

"Shelby, you take as long as you need to get back on your feet, and don't worry about anything, I'll make sure it's all sorted."

"Thank you, I, I didn't want to call you over the weekend but I didn't want to drop it on you first thing Monday morning."

'No, no, it's fine. Honestly Shelby, don't worry about it. "

"Thank you."

"Are you…" he thought about his words, worried for Shelby's wellbeing as he asked, "whatever happened, do you, is someone with you? Are you alone?"

"No" Shelby said honestly, "I, I'm staying with my daughter and her fathers."

"That's good" he was glad Shelby bad people supporting her, "take it easy Shelby, look after yourself yeah? And call me if there's anything I can do."

"Yeah" Shelby smiled slightly, "thank you."

She ended the call and flopped back against the cushions, letting her phone fall from her hand, only seeing the message notification as her phone hit the mattress. It took her a second to be able to focus on the screen once she'd picked her phone up again, a mixture of exhaustion and medication making her feel like her brain was only working at half the speed it usually did. She recognised the text was from her daughter but she had to read the short message several times before the words made sense, '_At Kurt's working on a project. I love you Mom R*_' She smiled, silently thanking whoever invented autocorrect as she prodded at her screen with clumsy fingers, '_Have a good time, I love you too xx_'

Shelby didn't move, wasn't sure she had the energy. She dropped her phone back onto the bedside cabinet and laid back down again, curling herself into the foetal position and closing her eyes, desperately hoping that she'd be able to fall back to sleep for another week or so. She didn't though, was still desperately hoping for sleep to come when she heard the creak of her bedroom door opening, and she slowly forced her eyes open to find Hiram's head poking round the door.

"I didn't mean to wake you" he said softly as he stepped into the room.

"You didn't" Shelby didn't move, "I woke a while ago I just…" she trailed off, not sure how she intended to finish her sentence.

"How are you feeling?" Hiram moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Like shit" Shelby sighed, "like I want to sleep for the next month but like my brain is constantly whirring, I couldn't even tell you what's going on but it just won't stop."

"Do you want to come downstairs for a bit?" Hiram asked, "Rachel's at Kurt's and…"

"I know" Shelby whispered, "I, I had a text from her when I woke up."

Hiram smiled, "before she left she asked us to try and get you to eat something when you woke, and to make sure you had your gum if you wanted it. We won't force you to eat if you don't want to, but I did bring this up" Hiram held out the gum, "and Leroy said I should ask if you're still using the patches and if you are, if you need to change it."

Shelby thanked Hiram and put the gum in her mouth chewing on it for a moment before nodding, "I, I'll…" she sighed, "I haven't got the energy to move".

"I know I don't have to tell you this, but the lack of energy is probably because you haven't been eating Shelby."

"I know" she whispered, "and I want to but" she wiped at the tears she felt pooling in her eyes.

Hiram smiled sadly and took Shelby's hand, "why don't we do this one step at a time?" he suggested, "you need a new patch?" Shelby nodded, "can I get one out for you?" She nodded again and gestured to the drawer in the bedside cabinet, answering his next question before he answered it. He glanced over the instructions on the box as he took out a patch, "it's on your hip right?" he remembered seeing it when Shelby had undressed in the kitchen. Another nod. "Can I take it off?" Shelby didn't answer but tried to pull down the waistband of her pyjamas. Hiram carefully removed the patch from Shelby's skin before asking where she wanted the new patch placing, settling for her upper arm when she just shrugged.

"Thank you" she whispered.

"You've got nothing to thank me for, now, why don't we go downstairs? We can get you something to eat if you want it."

"Okay."

"Do you want to use the bathroom or anything first?" Shelby nodded and Hiram helped her to her feet, Shelby feeling like Bambi on ice as Hiram helped her walk across the hall to the bathroom, "are you okay?" he asked once Shelby was leaning against the sink.

"Yeah" she nodded, "but I…" Shelby wasn't sure how to admit that she didn't think she'd be able to make it downstairs.

She didn't need to though, as he always seemed to do, Hiram knew exactly what Shelby wanted to say, "I'll wait outside the door, shout me when you're done."

After a soft "I'm done", Hiram practically carried Shelby downstairs, sitting her in the armchair and tucking the blanket around her, "I'm sorry" she whispered as she curled herself up, "you shouldn't have to deal with this, I can go back to my apartment and…"

"We want you here Shelby" Hiram told her, "we want to help you, we don't want you to feel like you have to fight this on your own, we love you Shelby and we're happy for you to stay with us, good or bad, for as long as you want to okay."

"He's right" Leroy had heard Shelby and Hiram coming downstairs and had taken it upon himself to make tea and a single slice of toast for Shelby, "whether you like it or not Shelby, we see you as family, you're here because we want you here."

"Okay" Shelby nodded, still not convinced that she wasn't being a burden," thank you." Silence fell as Shelby picked at the tost, Hiram and Leroy trying not to watch her as she slowly ate the toast, surprising herself as she managed to finish it all, "could I… could I have something else?" she asked nervously.

"Of course" Leroy stood and took the plate from Shelby, "what would you like?"

Shelby thought for a moment, she didn't want anything big and she wasn't sure she could manage anything that wasn't bland, "a banana?"

"One banana coming up" Leroy smiled, pausing to gently kiss Shelby's hair, "you might not believe it but I am so, so proud of you." he told her before heading into the kitchen.

Hiram went upstairs a little while later, napping for a while as Shelby drifted in and out of sleep in the armchair, never sleeping for long but never stirring for more than a few minutes at a time either. Leroy sat watching Shelby sleep, his heart broke for the woman who had once been so confident, so sure of herself. She was doing everything right, she was going to therapy, taking her medication, she was opening up and letting people in but it just wasn't working for her and Leroy could only hope that she'd catch a break soon.

Rachel text Hiram almost an hour after he'd woken, asking if he could pick her up from Kurt's, "do you want me to go?" Leroy asked as the pair sat at the kitchen table where they'd been drinking tea and talking about how they could help Shelby.

Hiram shook his head as he stood, texting Rachel back to say he was on his way, "she asked me if I'd go so I'll go, just in case she wants to talk about anything."

"Okay" Leroy kissed him softly, "drive safely, I'll see you soon." Leroy finished his tea before heading back into the living room, smiling when he saw Shelby was awake, "hey" he smiled, "how are you doing?"

Shelby rubbed at her eyes, reminding Leroy of Rachel when she'd been younger, "I, I'm okay I think."

"Good" Leroy moved to sit on the arm of the chair l, thinking over his words for a moment before telling Shelby, "Hiram and I have been talking." He glanced at Shelby and noticed she seemed to be waiting for him to continue so he did. "We want you to know that we've been here before, we know what it's like, and well, we just want you to know that if there's anything you think you need that your insurance doesn't cover, or that it won't pay for, let us know. Let us know and we'll either help you fight them on their decision or we'll help you pay out of pocket for whatever it is you need."

"Thank you" Shelby whispered, "I, they've been okay so far" she began to fiddle with the edge of the blanket, "I've looked before and I think they'll only cover one therapy session a week so I'll have to pay for the second but I can cover that. I'm…" she sighed, she'd been thinking this over almost every time she'd woken, never sure if she was making the right decision, "I think I'm going to lay off calling the dietician for a couple of weeks, hopefully these new meds should increase my appetite but if nothing changes in the next week or two I'll call them, but I think I'll have to cover that too, I had a look before, when you mentioned it, the wording's a bit vague so I'll call the company to check but I think I might need an ED diagnosis for it to be covered."

Leroy nodded and took Shelby's shaking hand, "has your therapist mentioned the possibility of an 'other specified feeding or eating disorder' to you?"

Shelby shook her head, "no, and I don't think I want her to." Shelby's therapist might not have mentioned it but it was something she'd given a lot of thought to herself. "I know my relationship with food isn't 'normal' and that my lack of appetite has somehow spiralled into something much bigger than I ever wanted it to be, that it's not just something I can brush off anymore" she used the hand Leroy wasn't holding to wipe at her eyes, "and I know that a diagnosis won't change anything, that it would just be giving a name to the thing that I live with every day, but I, I I've tried to convince myself for so long that it's fine, that my appetite will come back and I'll be okay that I don't know how, or even if I'd cope with someone else confirming that it's not nothing anymore" she said honestly.

"Okay" Leroy gently squeezed her hand, "that's understandable. And I think giving your new meds time to work is sensible too, you can keep eating with us in the meantime."

"Thank you" Shelby said softly, her shaking hand reaching up to wipe at the tears she couldn't stop falling, clinging to Leroy hand as she whispered, "I'm scared."

She sounded so young, so broken and Leroy couldn't stop himself pulling her into his arms as he wiped at her tears, "what are you scared of?"

The word stuck in Shelby's throat, "myself." She closed her eyes, feeling Leroy hand between her shoulder blades, the simple touch grounding her, keeping her focused as she tried to explain, "last night, I didn't… I don't even remember waking up. Rachel came up to bed, I remember that, and then the next thing that's really clear is crying in Hiram's arms in my underwear." She looked up at Leroy, voice shaking as she asked him, "what if it happens again? But what if next time I do something else?"

Leroy sighed and held Shelby a little tighter, "I don't know" he said honestly. "If you don't remember it happening then it's no use me reminding you that you can wake us if you need to. I wish I had a solution for you Shelby, I wish I could say or do something to make this better, but all I can do is promise you that you're not alone, whatever happens, you're not on your own."

"Maybe I should go back to my apartment" she whispered. "After last night I feel that it's inevitable, that I'm going to do something and I, it would be better if Rachel, if nobody else had to deal with the fall out from that."

"If you want to go back to your apartment then we won't stop you, but I think you know that you hurting yourself when you're alone wouldn't make any of us feel any better, at least if you're here we can try to help you." Leroy would be lying if he said the defeated tone of Shelby's voice wasn't worrying him, "would it help if Hiram or I made sure that one of us was always with you?"

"What?" Shelby asked, "like a suicide watch?"

Leroy raised his eyebrows, "is that something you think we need to do?" he asked seriously, prompting her when she answered with silence, "Shelby?"

"I want to say no" she whispered.

"But?"

"But if you'd have asked me yesterday if I was going to force myself to eat until I threw up in the middle of the night I'd have said no to that too."

"Okay" Leroy whispered, holding Shelby close as she began to sob, "it's okay, I've got you, you'll be okay, I promise you'll be okay." Leroy wasn't at all surprised when, just like she had in the night, Shelby cried herself to sleep in his arms, but he didn't mind, not only was she exhausted and desperate for rest, at least he knew that, whilst she was sleeping, she wasn't hurting, either mentally or physically. He held her for a while until he was sure she wasn't going to wake before he carefully lifted her into his arms and laid her down in the couch so she'd be comfortable, covering her with the blanket and leaving her to sleep.


	28. Chapter 28

To the guest that gave me the info on health insurance, thank you. I did wonder if it was something I'd only be able to find out about if I had it, but I'm about 95% sure that the last chapter will be the only time it'll be mentioned, so I have to admit that I didn't really look too hard!

Just to give you all a little heads up, I'm going to do my best to keep updating but I might have to take a break from weekly updates for a while. My own mental health has taken a bit of a dive recently and I have pretty much no motivation and the attention span of something with a very short attention span, but I'll do my best

* * *

Leroy was quick to stand when he heard the front door open a while later, making his way into the hallway, "where's Mom?" Rachel asked as soon as she saw him, "is she okay? Has something happened?"

"She's okay" Leroy reassured her, "she's asleep on the couch, I was just coming to tell you to try and be quiet."

"How long has she been asleep?" Hiram asked as he hung up his jacket.

"Maybe twenty minutes or so" Leroy waited until Rachel had gone through to the living room, desperate to see her Mom, "we had a bit of a chat and she cried herself to sleep in my arms. Later, when Rachel isn't around, I think we need to talk about what she said to me."

"Is she okay?" Hiram asked, slightly concerned.

"She wants to be" Leroy sighed, "I just don't know if she's there yet."

Hiram reached out to hug his husband, "do you need anything?"

Leroy shook his head, "not unless you've got a way of making everything okay for Shelby."

"I wish I did" Hiram sighed, trailing his fingers up and down Leroy's spine, "would tea help?"

"I don't know if it would help, but it certainly wouldn't hurt, but I'll make it, you go make sure Rachel's okay."

Hiram nodded and pecked Leroy's lips, "I love you, and we'll get through this, I promise you, all of us, we'll get through this."

"I know" Leroy squeezed Hiram's hand before pulling away to go and make the tea, "I know."

Hiram walked into the living room and sighed when he saw Rachel knelt by the couch, her hand over Shelby's as she watched her sleep. "Rachel" he said softly.

Rachel shook her head, "she isn't okay is she?"

"No" Hiram said honestly, "but she's trying Rachel, she's trying so hard."

Rachel didn't look away from Shelby as she asked him, "what happens if she gets tired of trying?"

"Oh Rachel" he moved to sit on the floor beside her, "I think that no matter how tired she gets, I think she'll always keep trying, and she'll keep trying for you because she loves you Rachel and I know that no matter how hard she's finding all this, I know she'll keep fighting because she loves you and she wants to be around for you."

Rachel nodded, "I hope her new medication works."

"I think we all do" Hiram smiled sadly, "but we know that the valium helps her because she's taken that before and I think she'll keep taking that until she knows if the new medication is working or not, and if it isn't then I'm sure her doctor will have her try something else, I don't know much about what goes on with her doctor and her therapist but she tells me she's honest with them about how she's feeling so they'll be helping her too, she might have secrets from us but she says she's honest with the people who matter."

Rachel nodded, "I hope so."

Hiram and Leroy eventually stopped asking Rachel to sit with them as it became clear that she didn't want to move from Shelby's side. She settled on the floor, sitting with her back against the couch to watch the movie her Daddy put on. They'd been watching for almost an hour when Rachel's head snapped back at the feel of fingers gently combing through her hair, "Mom" she couldn't help but smile, "you're awake!"

Shelby forced herself to return the smile, "I am. What are you doing down there?" she asked, her voice thick with sleep.

"I just wanted to be near you" Rachel whispered.

Shelby said nothing but rolled onto her side, her back against the back of the couch, "here" she gestured to the space she'd made, "you can…" Rachel didn't waste a second as she moved to lay on the couch, signing happily as Shelby draped the blanket over her before letting her arm fall around Rachel's stomach. "Okay?" Shelby yawned before pressing a kiss to Rachel's hair.

Rachel nodded and placed her hands over Shelby's, "yeah, yeah I am."

"And she thinks she isn't a good Mom" Hiram whispered to Leroy as the pair sat, cuddled together, in the armchair.

"I know" Leroy smiled, "and I bet Rachel falls asleep with her too."

"I certainly wouldn't bet against you" Hiram agreed.

They were right, Shelby dozed off again just a few minutes later and Rachel wasn't far behind her, Hiram and Leroy silently watching with amused smiles as Rachel tried her best to fight it, her eyelids fluttering closed only to be forced open again a few moments later until eventually she gave in and her eyes closed for a final time as she allowed herself to sleep.

Surprisingly Shelby was the first to wake, sleeping for less than half n hour before she woke, "she's asleep" Hiram said softly when he saw Shelby trying to look at Rachel.

"Oh" she yawned as she laid back down, "okay."

"Do you want me to move her for you?" Leroy asked, not sure if Shelby wanted to get up or not.

She shook her head and nuzzled against Rachel's back, "no, she's okay".

Hiram smiled softly as he watched. "Can I get you anything?"

Shelby's instinct was to say no, to tell him she was fine but she fought that instinct to ask, "I erm, could you get me a piece of my gum please?"

"Of course" Hiram stood to his feet, "I'll get it for you now."

"I'm going to make a start on dinner soon" Leroy spoke as Hiram left the room, "is there anything in particular you'd like?" he knew better than to ask if she wanted anything, knew she'd say no, didn't ask if she wanted to join them, just asked what she wanted to eat.

"I…" again, Shelby's instinct was to say she didn't want anything, "I don't…" she closed her eyes and took a shaky breath, "I don't want to be sick again" she whispered, "could I have something plain?"

"Of course" Leroy understood, she wanted to stick to bland foods until she was sure her stomach was settled, "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you" Shelby smiled, tilting her head back slightly when Hiram knelt by the end of the sofa.

"I bought you some juice" he told her, "I haven't seen you drink anything but two mugs of coffee today."

"That's because I haven't" she admitted, accepting the straw Hiram offered her so Shelby could drink without disturbing Rachel.

Hiram kept hold of the glass until Shelby was finished, "let me know if you want some more" he said as he handed Shelby her gum.

Shelby was watching the movie, still holding Rachel closely when the teen woke with a jump, startling Shelby slightly, "Rach?" she frowned. Somehow Rachel managed to roll over without falling off the couch, clinging to her Mom as she began to sob. "Rachel?" Shelby shared a concerned look with Hiram and Leroy, "what's wrong?" Rachel shook her head as she cried against Shelby's chest, not wanting to tell her Mom about the dream she'd just had. "Okay" Shelby kissed Rachel's hair, "Okay."

"Mom?" Rachel whispered, feeling Shelby's breath hitch in her chest.

"I'm okay" Shelby tried to reassure her, despite the tears she felt pricking at her eyes, unable to ignore the guilt pooling in her stomach or the voice in her head that was telling her that, whatever this was, it was her fault.

"You're not though are you, you're not okay."

Shelby sighed quietly, "no, I'm not, but I will be Rachel. I don't know when but I will be."

"You won't leave will you?"

"No" Shelby promised, "I will go back to my apartment at some point but I will never, ever leave you. Even when I go home, you'll be welcome there whenever you want."

Rachel let Shelby wipe at her tears, "I love you Mom."

Shelby kissed Rachel's forehead, "I love you too Rachel, so, so much."

The pair stayed cuddled together as Leroy went to make dinner, Rachel still tucked against Shelby's chest, Shelby's fingers trailing gentle patterns up and down Rachel's spine until Leroy came to tell them that the food was ready. "Are you going to eat with us?" Rachel asked as she stood carefully from the couch.

"Yeah" Shelby sat up and took a sip of the juice Hiram had left by the couch before standing and taking hold of the hand Rachel was offering her, "I am."

"I made chicken, or tofu, in a tomato and basil sauce with potatoes and vegetables" Leroy told Shelby, "but I cooked a little of the chicken without the sauce in case you wanted it plain."

"The erm, I think I'll be okay with the sauce" Shelby nodded as she sat beside Rachel at the table.

Shelby tried but her stomach was still in knots and she only managed a couple of mouthfuls until she was full, and, as much as she wanted to eat more wanted to clear her plate of the small amount of food Leroy had given her, she didn't want to vomit again so she didn't force herself to eat any more.

Rachel headed upstairs to shower after dinner and, once Hiram had loaded the dishwasher, he joined Leroy and Shelby in the living room, finding Leroy on the couch and Shelby, as always, curled up in the armchair. "Can we talk while Rachel's not here?" Leroy asked softly, "about something you said earlier?" Shelby nodded, not sure what Leroy wanted to talk about but not feeling like she had a choice but to say yes. "Can I tell Hiram what we spoke about when he was out bringing Rachel home?" Shelby nodded again, curling her knees to her chest and hiding her face in the blanket she'd tucked around her body, knowing what was coming. "Shelby doesn't remember much about last night, and she's worried that if she has another episode of, I don't know what to call it, disassociation?" he mused, not sure of the correct word to describe what Shelby had experienced, "Shelby's worried that she might do something more, more self destructive than she did last night. I asked if she thought it would help if one of us stayed with her and she asked if I meant like a suicide watch. I asked her if she thought she needed that" Leroy paused, Hiram moving to sit on the arm of the chair, pulling Shelby into his arms when they heard her sob, "can I tell him what you said?" Leroy asked, waiting for Shelby to nod before telling Hiram, "she said she wanted to say no but if we'd have asked her yesterday if she'd force herself to eat until she vomited in the middle of the night she'd have told us no to that too."

"Oh Shelby" Hiram pulled her closer, "okay, okay, I've got you, I've got you."

"I'm sorry" Shelby whispered, "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise" he rocked her in his arms, "you don't need to apologise for anything, I'll go into work on Monday and see if I can work from home for a while, at least for the next week or so until you get settled on your new meds."

"I don't want to put you to any trouble" Shelby's breath caught in her throat between each word, "you shouldn't have to to babysit me."

"I won't be babysitting you" Hiram told her, "I'll be working in the office while you're doing whatever it is you want to do. I worked from home when Rachel was ill with laryngitis, this is no different." Shelby said nothing but nodded against Hiram's chest as she tried to catch her breath,"you're okay" Hiram rubbed Shelby's back, "sit up a little" he encouraged, sitting her back in the chair, "try and slow your breathing" he did the same for Shelby to match him, "that's it, you've got it."

"Do you think you'll be okay with Rachel in with you tonight or would you rather one of us shared with you?" Leroy asked once Shelby was calmer.

"I, I'll share with Rachel" Shelby whispered, "I don't want her worrying any more than she already is."

"Okay" Leroy nodded, "you know you can wake us though, if you need anything we won't mind at all."

"Thank you"

"Have you taken your meds yet Shelby?" Hiram asked, seeing that it was getting late, "do you want me to get them for you?" he asked her when she shook her head.

"Yes please" she whispered.

"I'll go" Leroy stood, allowing Hiram to stay with Shelby, "do you think you'd be able to manage a protein bar or a smoothie or something too?" he asked, knowing she'd barely eaten at dinner.

Shelby wanted to say no, she wasn't hungry, was sure she'd vomit the second she ate anything but instead she nodded, "I'll try, I don't think I could manage a lot though."

"Okay" Leroy nodded, "just something small" he promised.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Hiram asked, not giving Shelby chance to answer before telling her, "if you wake in the night, you can wake us. Knock on the door, come in, whatever you have to do, please, wake us."

Shelby nodded, "I, I can't promise that I…" she sighed, "sometimes it's like I, I know what I should do, and I know it's okay for me to do that but there's just something…" she gestured to her head, "something that won't let me do whatever it is."

"I think that something is probably your anxiety Shel, but that's okay, I don't know if it will help but Leroy and I, we'll leave the door open to try and reassure that doubt that it's okay for you to come in, hell, just get in bed with us if that's what you need to do."

Shelby chuckled quietly, "Rachel's already having therapy, I wouldn't want to traumatise the poor girl when she wakes up in the morning and finds the three of us in bed together."

"True" Hiram laughed, "Leroy can sleep on the couch then" he winked to show her he was joking, "but I mean it" he promised, "you can always wake us up, even if you just want someone to sit with you until you fall asleep again."

Shelby nodded and yawned as she let her head rest against Hiram's chest, "thank you."

"You've got nothing to thank us for" Hiram told her. "Now, come on. Let's get you your snack and meds and get you up to bed before you fall asleep down here and Rachel wonders what we've done with you."


	29. Chapter 29

Shelby had offered to take Rachel to and from school whilst she wasn't at work, and she came downstairs about half an hour before they had to leave on Monday morning, her hair pulled back into a neat ponytail, dressed casually in jeans and a thin grey and white striped sweater.

"Coffee?" Leroy asked once everyone had greeted her.

Shelby bit her lip, "could I have tea instead please?" She was feeling a little better after then weekend, she wasn't sure if it was her new medication working already or if she'd just reached a point where she couldn't get any lower, but she'd decided she was going to do whatever she could to help herself, she'd already given up smoking and, now she wouldn't be working, she'd decided that she would try and give up caffeine too.

"Of course" Leroy smiled as he took the mug that had become Shelby's from the cupboard and reached for her herbal tea, "do you want anything to eat or are you going to wait til later?"

"I'll get some cereal" Shelby nodded as she took a bowl from the cupboard and poured out a small portion of cheerios, adding just a splash of Rachel's oat milk before moving to sit beside her daughter at the table.

"You can use more milk than that if you want" Rachel told Shelby as she ate her own cereal, "I don't mind."

"I'm okay" Shelby smiled softly at her daughter, "I can't… I'm not really a fan of milk, I'm okay if it's mixed into something like oatmeal or a sauce or something, but as it is…" she pulled a face and shook her head.

"What about ice cream?" Rachel asked inquisitively, "do you eat that? Because that's just like frozen milk."

"Sometimes" Shelby shrugged, "not very often and it, it's a bit of a texture thing for me, so as soon as it starts to melt then I'm done."

"But you eat yoghurts and other things that are a similar texture to milk?" Rachel was curious about her Mom's aversion to milk.

"Yoghurts are thicker than milk, and I prefer them with bits in. It's the texture combined with the fact I know it's milk, it…" Shelby pushed her cheerios around the bowl, "I just don't like milk."

"Okay" Rachel decided to drop the subject, "I didn't mean to push, sorry I just…"

"It's okay" Shelby reached out to gently squeeze Rachel's hand, "don't worry about it."

Rachel went upstairs to finish getting ready after she'd eaten her breakfast, giving Hiram and Leroy a chance to check in with Shelby, the woman reassuring them that she was fine, that she'd slept relatively well and, knowing she was taking Rachel to school, she wouldn't be taking her valium until she got back.

Shelby said nothing as Rachel came downstairs ready to leave, she smiled at her daughter and held out her car keys. Rachel's face lit up, "really?"

"Yeah" Shelby smiled, "if you want to."

Rachel nodded and hugged Shelby tightly before taking the keys from her, "thanks Mom."

"You're welcome Darling" Shelby smiled, waiting for Rachel to say goodbye to her fathers before stepping outside and getting into the passenger side of her car.

The drive to school passed without incident and Rachel leaned over to hug Shelby tightly once she'd pulled into a parking space, "are you picking me up this afternoon?"

Shelby nodded, "if you want me to" her hand found Rachel's and she squeezed it gently, "I know you have your therapy appointment after school, so if you'd rather your Daddy took you then I'll understand."

Rachel shook her head, "I don't mind you taking me to my appointment."

"Okay" Shelby smiled, "then I'll be here."

"Thank you." Rachel leaned over to hug Shelby tightly.

"It's okay" Shelby kissed Rachel's hair as she returned the hug, "have a good day."

"You too Mom" Rachel hugged her a little tighter before letting go and stepping from the car, grabbing her bag from the back seat, pausing briefly to turn and wave to her Mom as she crossed the parking lot.

"Shelby" Will frowned as he saw her walking around her car to get in the driver's seat, "what are you doing here?"

Shelby crossed her arms over her chest and gestured to Rachel walking towards the school building, "I brought Rachel in."

Will's frown grew, "look, I have to ask, what exactly are your intentions with Rachel?"

"My intentions?" Shelby raised an eyebrow, "she's my daughter Will, I'm not marrying her."

"You know what I mean Shelby, I meant what I said, Rachel, she isn't tough like you" he glared at Shelby when he heard her scoff at his words, "if you're just leading her on only to break her heart and sabotage our chances at…"

"Woah!" Shelby held up her hands to stop him, "first of all, I do not play dirty, if VA win at regionals, they win on talent and talent alone. Secondly, I'm not even coaching VA anymore, and thirdly, you really don't need to tell me what a terrible mother I am Will, I am already more than aware".

"Shelby…"

"Do you want to know the truth Will?" she finally snapped, "I know Rachel would be better off without me in her life. I know all I'm going to do is bring her down, that she deserves a better mother than I can ever be and I tried to walk away, I told her, I told her we should just be grateful for each other from afar and I walked away. I walked away and I… Fuck Will" she ran her hand over her hair, "do you want me to tell you how Rachel happened to bump into me in the store the night I planned on trying to kill myself?" Now she'd started she couldn't stop herself. "Do you need me to tell you how I've been living with Rachel and her Dads since that night? Do you want me to tell you how she sleeps in bed with me every night because she's scared I'm going to do something, how she worries if I leave the house without her." She shook her head, "so if you're planning on telling me how awful I am, on how Rachel deserves better than me then save your breath Will because I already know. But despite all that, for a reason only she knows, Rachel still wants me in her life."

"Shelby, I had no idea, I mean you're always so strong and…"

"Yeah" Shelby wiped at her eyes, desperate not to cry, "looks like that acting degree wasn't the waste of time and money I used to think it was."

"I mean this with the greatest of respect Shelby, but don't you think you should be seeing a therapist instead of putting all this on your teenage daughter?"

"I've got a therapist Will, and I'm taking medication, but, as much as I wish they were, neither of those are a miracle cure. I'm doing what I can Will. If I could, if she'd let me then I'd walk away, I wouldn't put Rachel through any of this, God, I didn't even want to put myself through it, but that isn't what she wants, every time I try to push her away, she pulls me closer, so all I can do is wait for the day when she realises I'm far too screwed up and realises she's better off without me in her life. Now if you don't mind… " she stepped around Will to get into her car but he stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"I'm sorry Shelby, I, I didn't…"

She sighed, "it doesn't matter Will, it is what it is, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm sure you have things you need to be doing" she said as she got into her car and started the engine. She knew Will was still stood in front of her car, could almost feel his eyes on her but she didn't look at him, instead reaching into the pocket in her door for the strip of nicotine gum she'd left there, popping a piece into her mouth as she waited for Will to get the hint and leave.

It took a minute or two but eventually Will reluctantly headed inside, allowing Shelby to leave the parking lot. She drove for a while, was almost back at the Berry's when she decided that she couldn't really face sitting home on her own, so, despite having nothing but her keys and her phone, she decided to head to the park instead.

"Everything okay?" Hiram asked when Shelby came home after taking a walk around the park, "you were gone a while."

"Yeah" Shelby nodded as she took off her shoes, "I didn't realise you'd be home so soon, sorry." Hiram had gone into work that morning to sort out a few things and get what he'd need to work from home but he'd promised Shelby he'd be home by lunch time.

"You're on sick leave Shelby, not house arrest." Hiram told her, "you don't have to apologise for being out of the house. As long as you're okay that's all that matters."

Shelby nodded, "I went for a walk in the park, I didn't know what I'd do if I came home so…" she quickly shook her head when she saw the look of worry on Hiram's face, "no, no, I didn't mean like that" she corrected herself "I, I meant that I didn't know how I'd occupy my time, I didn't just want to be sat on the couch watching TV for hours."

"Oh" Hiram had to admit he was slightly relieved, "well why don't you try doing some yoga? Or take a long soak in the bath? Then we can go out for lunch if you'd like."

Shelby thought for a minute before nodding, "I think I'll do some yoga. Am I okay to…"

"You don't have to ask Shel" Hiram interrupted, "you can do it wherever you like, I'll be in the office if you want anything. Shall we say about 12 for lunch? We don't have to go out if you don't feel up to it, we can just eat in the back yard or something,whatever you want, think about it" he smiled before kissing her cheek and heading into the home office to do some work.

Shelby headed upstairs, changing into yoga pants and a tank top and taking her valium before heading down to the basement, her head seemed to feel the 'fuzziest' right after taking it so she'd consciously decided to wait until she came back from taking Rachel to school before taking it. As she had done before, she found a yoga video online, losing herself in the routine for almost an hour, forcing herself to concentrate on nothing but the rhythm of her breathing and the movement of body as she followed along with the instructor.

She spent a while laid on the floor once she'd finished, trying to embrace the feeling of calm that yoga always gave her, her hand on her stomach, feeling it rise and fall with each breath she took, wondering briefly if Hiram and Leroy would mind her bringing her yoga mats and blocks over from her apartment so she could make this a more regular thing, at least until she went back to work.

Eventually she pulled herself to her feet and made her way back upstairs, there was still over an hour before she said she'd have lunch with Hiram so she decided that a soak in the tub did sound like a very good idea indeed.

She added a copious amount of bubble bath to the warm water, shutting the door but, out of habit, not locking it. She'd promised Rachel once that she wouldn't lock the bathroom door so she didn't, even though Rachel wasn't home, she kept her promise. As she slipped into the water she couldn't hold back the sigh that fell from her lips. She knew she was tense, that the weight of her anxiety was almost suffocating at times, and she knew that it was only the valium she'd taken that was giving her a respite from that but right now, she couldn't bring herself to care.

She found her fingers trailing over her body, hating how she could feel each of her ribs beneath her fingers, that she could no longer feel the dip of her waist or the swell of her hips, the slight curve of her stomach had gone. It had been a long time since she'd had anything resembling abs, but now there was nothing there at all, just a hollow where her stomach used to be. When her fingers ghosted over her navel she knew she had to stop, any lower and she knew her fingers would find 'it', the patch of skin that felt unmistakably different to the rest. The one thing she couldn't leave behind. A physical reminder of the one thing Shelby had vowed never to speak of again, not to Hiram or Leroy, not to her therapist, not even to herself. She shook her head and forced herself to reach for her shampoo to stop her mind wandering. No. It had taken her long enough to box up those feelings, those memories, she wasn't going to risk ever unboxing them again.

Only when the water began to cool did Shelby pull herself from the tub, drying off without looking at her body before pulling on her robe and making her way back to her room. She thought briefly about her options, she was a little reluctant to go out to eat, to be in a situation where, no matter how much she told herself they weren't, she'd feel like everyone was watching her. But at the same time she knew just how easy it would be to let her anxiety take over, to find herself in a position where she was only comfortable when she was shut away in the house, so, as she pulled her sweater back over her head, she decided to take Hiram up on his offer, she'd go out for lunch with him, and no matter how little appetite she had, she'd do her best to eat something.

"There's a nice sandwich shop not far from here, I thought we could go there" Hiram told her as he found her in the living room waiting for him, "it's about a ten, fifteen minute walk but I can drive if you…"

Shelby shook her head, "a walk sounds good."

Hiram linked arms with Shelby as they walked down the street, "is it too soon to ask how you're feeling?" he asked.

Shelby shrugged, "I don't know if I feel anything, but that's probably the valium" she said honestly. "I don't know if the new meds are making a difference or not."

"How do you feel about not feeling anything?"

"Have you ever thought about retraining as a therapist?"

Hiram chuckled, "sorry, you can tell me to back off if you want."

Shelby shook her head, "I don't know how I feel" she said honestly, "I suppose it's better than how things were but…" she shrugged, "I'm a little bit worried about the issues surrounding taking the valium more regularly too and not just if or when I need it."

"I know there's a risk of addiction and your body getting used to it, but you're only taking a small amount, and I'm sure the doctor wouldn't have told you to do it if they didn't think the benefits were bigger than the risks. Did the doctor say how long they wanted you to take it for?"

"Not exactly, just 'while I get used to the new antidepressants' I'm going back at the end of next week so maybe she'll mention it then" Shelby shrugged, "the note she gave me for work only covers me for two weeks too."

"Do you think you'll go back?" Hiram asked.

"I want to" Shelby nodded, "but I guess we'll see. I thought, at first I thought keeping busy was the best thing to do but maybe the break will be good for me."

"I think it will" Hiram agreed, "you've been running on empty for far too long now, take some time for yourself, get some rest, do nothing all day if that's what you want, recharge your batteries and put yourself first."

Shelby nodded, "it is nice to not have to worry about work, especially Vocal Adrenaline. It could just be the valium but I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders."

"That's good" Hiram smiled, "sometimes you need to take a break from things and that's okay, it's okay to put yourself first."

"Thank you" Shelby nodded, she wasn't sure how but Hiram always seemed to know what to say, always seemed to know exactly what she was thinking, even when she didn't know how to voice the thoughts running through her mind.

"You don't need to thank me Shel" Hiram told her as they reached the sandwich shop, "do you want to eat in or get a takeout and eat in the park, or even at home?" he asked as he held the door open for her.

Shelby glanced around the seating area as she stepped inside, seeing there was only one other couple eating. "We can eat here" she said softly, "if that's okay?"

"Of course" Hiram led her over to the counter, "now" he smiled, "what do you fancy? The honey wheat bagels are to die for" he grinned, and Shelby couldn't help but smile.

"Seeing as you seem to be the expert, why don't you choose for me?" she suggested.

"Okay" Hiram nodded, pleased that Shelby seemed happy to eat something, "go sit down, I'll bring it over."


	30. Chapter 30

Shelby ate a little more than half her sandwich before pushing it away, and, although he didn't draw attention to the fact, it was more than Hiram had expected her to eat. She finished her orange juice and shared a pot of fruit with Hiram before they walked back to the house, Hiram's arm once again linked with hers.

"Do you have any plans for this afternoon?" Hiram asked once they'd walked in silence for a while.

Shelby shook her head, "I'd like to say that I had something exciting planned but I think I'm just going to put a movie on and probably take a nap."

Hiram nodded, "there's nothing wrong with that" he smiled, "if you need to nap then that's what you need, and if you want me to pick Rachel up then…"

Shelby shook her head, "she asked if I'd take her to her appointment this afternoon, I told her I would and I don't want to let her down."

"Okay" Hiram nodded, "but I'm sure she'd understand."

"I know but I…" Shelby slipped off her shoes as they arrived back home, "I'll see how I feel" she finally compromised.

"Thank you" Hiram kissed Shelby's cheek, "I'll be in the office if you need anything, and I'm not doing anything urgent so don't worry about disturbing me."

"Okay" Shelby nodded, "thank you."

She made her way into the living room as Hiram went back to work in the office. She grabbed the blanket from the armchair but, instead of settling in the chair, decided to lay down on the couch instead. She set an alarm on her phone to wake her in time to collect Rachel from school before reaching for the remote and finding a movie. It didn't take her long to doze off, Hiram poked his head into the room just fifteen minutes later on his way to get a glass of water to find her already asleep.

Shelby didn't wake until her alarm sounded and she clumsily reached for her phone, silencing the alarm and dropping it back onto the coffee table, settling back down on the couch and letting her eyes close again before sitting quickly and forcing her eyes open when she realised she was meant to be collecting Rachel from school.

She sat for a while, trying to force herself to wake a little more. Eventually she pushed herself to her feet and headed upstairs, using the bathroom, splashing her face with cold water and tidying her hair a little. It was as she walked back downstairs that she admitted defeat and, instead of picking up her keys and heading out to her car, she knocked gently on the open door to the office.

"You don't have to knock" Hiram smiled as he turned to face her. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I mean no, I mean…" Shelby sighed and shook her head, trying to wake herself up a little, "I still feel quite drowsy" she admitted, "I wondered if you could drive to the school."

"Of course" Hiram stood to his feet, "just let me grab my keys, are you coming too?"

Shelby nodded, "if that's okay? I said I'd take her to her appointment and I don't want to let her down but I, I don't like driving with her in the car when I'm this tired."

Hiram ignored the implication that Shelby would drive herself when she was exhausted and reached for her hand, squeezing it gently, "Leroy and I will always drive you wherever you need to go, whether you're tired or not."

"I know" Shelby nodded, "thank you."

Shelby dozed as Hiram drove to McKinley, the man glad that she'd asked for his help, that she hadn't tried to drive herself, "Shel" he whispered, squeezing her knee gently, "Rachel's coming" he said when he saw their daughter walking towards the car with a frown on her face and he knew Shelby would want to try and reassure her.

"Daddy?" Rachel frowned as she got into the backseat, "Mom, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Shelby nodded and reached into the back seat, smiling when Rachel reached out and took her hand, "I'm okay, I had a nap after lunch and I, I felt like I couldn't wake up properly so I asked your Daddy to drive."

"But you're okay?" Rachel asked.

Shelby twisted in her seat so she could look Rachel in the eye, "I'm okay" she told her, "just a little sleepy, I did some yoga and had a bath this morning and then your Daddy and I went out for lunch and I had a nap when we got back."

"Did Daddy take you to the sandwich shop? The one with the bagels?"

"Am I that predictable?" Hiram chuckled.

"Apparently so" Shelby laughed before confirming to Rachel, "we had bagels."

"Next time you go, try the hummus and falafel, it's all homemade there, it's amazing."

Shelby smiled and nodded, "maybe you and I could go one day?"

"Yeah" Rachel smiled softly, "I'd like that."

Hiram raised an eyebrow and caught Rachel's eye in the mirror, "you'd better be planning on bringing me takeout if you and your Mom are going without me."

"I'm sure we can manage that" Shelby nodded.

Rachel's therapist was a little further out of town than Shelby's but it didn't seem like long before Hiram was pulling into the parking lot, although Shelby couldn't be sure that she hadn't fallen back to sleep for a while. "I'll wait here" he told them both, "let your Mom go in with you."

"Thank you" Rachel leaned forward to kiss Hiram's cheek once she'd taken off her seatbelt.

"It's okay" he smiled, "see you both in an hour." He gently squeezed Shelby's hand, "call me if you need me to come in" he told her once Rachel was out of the car, "there's no shame in asking for help."

"I will" Shelby promised, "thank you".

Hiram couldn't help but smile as he saw Rachel reach for Shelby's hand as they crossed the parking lot, Shelby not hesitating to link her fingers with her daughter's. "Mom" Rachel was slightly nervous, not sure how her Mom would react to what she wanted to ask.

"Yeah?" Shelby squeezed Rachel's hand, sending her nerves, "are you okay?"

"I erm, I was wondering if one day, it doesn't have to be today, it doesn't have to be any day, you can say no…"

"Rachel" Shelby came to a halt outside the building, putting her hand on Rachel's chin and waiting until her daughter met her gaze, "please just ask me whatever it is that's on your mind, the worst I will do is say no."

"One day, would you sit in one of my sessions with me? Sort of like a joint session?"

Shelby felt her heart stop, suddenly wanting to vomit, her own sessions were hard enough, she couldn't think of anything worse than being that open, that vulnerable in front of her daughter, but she knew that Rachel's mental health was just as important as her own, she couldn't deny her daughter whatever she needed to be healthy, mentally or physically. "Of course" she nodded.

"Really?" Rachel's face lit up as they finally stepped through the doors.

"Really" Shelby nodded again, "and if you want it to be today then, as long as it's okay with you and your therapist then it's okay with me."

It wasn't, Shelby couldn't think of anything she'd rather do less, but she just had to keep reminding herself that she was doing it for Rachel, she was trying to be the best person she could be for her daughter's sake, and if that meant making herself uncomfortable in the process then so be it.

"Really?" Rachel's voice broke Shelby from her thoughts.

"Yeah" Shelby squeezed Rachel's hand as they walked into the waiting area, "whenever you want, even if I'm back at work, if you want me to sit in on one of your sessions then you just have to let me know and I'll make sure I'm here."

Shelby encouraged Rachel to go into her session alone when her name was called, "but…" she began to protest.

"I'm not going anywhere" Shelby promised, "go and talk things through first and then, if it's what you want, I'll come in in a little while."

Rachel thought for a moment before nodding and hugging Shelby tightly, "I love you Mom" she kissed her cheek.

Shelby smiled, and kissed Rachel's temple, "I love you too Rachel."

Shelby's suggestion that Rachel went into her appointment alone hadn't been entirely selfless, she'd needed a minute to get herself together, to prepare herself. She kept reminding herself that she was doing it for Rachel, that her own therapy appointment was less than 24 hours away and she'd be able to decompress if things went badly. That was her biggest fear that she'd say or do something to upset or worry her daughter, that she'd make things worse not better for the teen.

"Are you Rachel's Mom?" Shelby was so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't heard the door open, hadn't noticed the man walking towards her until he was right in front of her.

She nodded, taking a moment to find her voice, "Shelby Corcoran" she stood and held out a shaking hand.

"Dave Walker" he shook her hand, "there's no need to be nervous" he tried to reassure you, "Rachel said she'd like you to join us for a while." Shelby nodded, "before we go in, I want to tell you that, this might be Rachel's session but you have a say too, if she asks something, wants to talk about something you're not comfortable with her knowing, you can tell her that okay?"

Shelby nodded, "okay" she took a deep breath before following the man back into his office.

"Mom" Rachel smiled when she saw Shelby walk into the room. She knew her Mom had said she'd join her, but Rachel had still wondered if she'd change her mind.

"Take a seat" Dave gestured at the multiple seating options in the room, not at all surprised when she chose to sit on the loveseat beside Rachel, Rachel tucking herself right into Shelby's side as soon as she sat down.

Dave watched the pair for a moment before picking up his notebook and pen, "do you want to tell your Mom what you've told me?" Dave asked Rachel, "or would you rather I…"

"I'm scared" Rachel tipped her head to look at her Mom, "I'm scared that one day…" a tear rolled down her cheek, "that one day you're going to do something and I… I've only just found you Mom, I can't lose you, not now, not ever."

Shelby took a shaky breath, pulling Rachel close and kissing her hair, "I…" she closed her eyes, "I wouldn't do that to you" she whispered, "I can't, I don't know if I can find the words to say this the way I want to, but even on my worst days I love you more than I hate myself and I" she sighed, deciding to be honest, "some days there's a voice in my head that tells me you'd be better off without me but I, I'm trying so hard to ignore that, to fight it, to tell it it wrong. I want to be here, I want to be here for you" she gently cupped Rachel's face in her hands, "you are perfect, amazing, and I know you have so much potential inside of you, and I, I want to be here, I want to get to know you better, I want to see you grow into the young woman you're becoming and I, I want to be there to cheer you on, to celebrate as you reach your dreams and your goals, I want to be there to support you and comfort you if things don't go to plan. If there is anything in this world that's going to keep me going, even on the days where I can't pull myself out of bed, it's you Rachel."

Hiram said nothing when Shelby joined Rachel in the back of the car for the drive home, it was obvious that both his daughter and her mother had been crying and he could only assume that Rachel had finally asked Shelby to join her for her appointment, something she'd mused about doing for a while.

Shelby held Rachel's hand in her own as she gazed silently out of the window, trying to ignore the guilt pooling in her stomach, the voice in her head telling her what a terrible mother she was, she knew Rachel worried about her, but hearing her voice those worries, holding her daughter as she'd cried over her fears of losing her Mom only served to remind Shelby that Rachel would be much better off if she hadn't been so weak, if she'd walked away the morning after Rachel found her at the store.

As she stepped from the car once they were home, Shelby made up her mind, she needed to get herself together, needed to build her walls back up the way she had before, she'd become an expert in hiding how she really felt over the past few years, developed the perfect poker face, she just needed to work on getting that back. "Fake it til you make it" she silently told herself, even though she knew she was unlikely to ever 'make it', she could certainly fake it though. She'd make everyone believe she was doing better, that she was coping, and then she'd go back to her apartment and let Rachel and her dads go back to their life without her. She could do it, she had to do it, she had to do it. For Rachel.


	31. Chapter 31

Shelby's hands shook as she looked down at her phone, wishing she had the courage to hit send on the message she typed out. She was meant to be getting herself together, meant to be picking herself up and moving on, but in reality she was anything but. She let her phone fall to the table and growled in frustration, running her fingers through her hair and tugging gently on her locks. She wanted to do it, she'd said she would, but some things were easier said than done. She picked up her phone again and took a shaky breath, hitting send before she had chance to over think any longer.

She knew she had to be realistic, it was the middle of the night. She couldn't expect an instant reply, but at the same time she almost needed one, wasn't sure what she'd do if she didn't get one.

The response didn't come straight to her phone, the vibration of his phone had woken Hiram and, worried by Shelby's words, had left his bed straight away, '_Where are you?_' he text her when he looked through the open door of the guestroom to find Rachel sleeping alone in the bed.

'_Kitchen_' he let out a sigh of relief that she was still in the house, quickly making his way downstairs.

Just like she said, Hiram found Shelby sat in the kitchen, elbows on the table top, chin in her hands as she stared into space. It was only when he followed her gaze that he realised her attention was focused on the knife block on the counter. "Shelby" he said softly, slipping into the seat opposite her to block her sightline. "Talk to me."

"I don't know what to say" she whispered.

"Why don't we talk about this?" he slid his phone across the table to her, her initial text open on his screen, '_I wish I still had that box_', "is there anything in particular that's made you feel this way tonight?"

Shelby shrugged, moving her hands to dig her nails into her thigh under the table, "I, it's been a while since I l struggled to fall asleep, Rachel, I don't know why but having her there usually helps me fall asleep but tonight…"

"Tonight?"

Shelby sighed, "I just feel so heavy, like I'm made of concrete and I, I couldn't turn my brain off, I couldn't stop thinking and I, I just want to make it stop."

"Did you take your meds before you went to bed?" Hiram asked, glancing at the antidepressants on the microwave as if he'd be able to tell just from looking at them.

Shelby nodded, "it feels like I can feel them working. That the meds want to make me sleep but my brain's fighting it, I, it's hard." she whispered.

"Okay" Hiram thought for a moment, glancing at what Shelby was wearing before standing and holding out his hand, "come with me" he said when he saw she was wearing sweatpants and a tank top.

Shelby said nothing but let Hiram lead her through the house, "what…" she was slightly confused as he handed her her sneakers and a jacket.

"We're going for a walk" Hiram told her as he slipped on his own shoes, "sometimes just a change of scenery helps, getting you away from a situation makes you see things differently."

"Okay" Shelby didn't know if a walk would help but right now she'd try anything.

Hiram took Shelby's hand as they left the house, leading her to a small, dimly lit children's playground in a park a few blocks from the house, sitting down on the swingset and gesturing for Shelby to sit beside him. "Okay?" he asked softly as she sat on the other swing.

Shelby didn't answer as she began to swing slightly, thinking about whether or not she wanted to tell Hiram what she was thinking about, but eventually she decided to just tell him, "I, I did something before I text you" she said, unable to lift her gaze from the ground.

Hiram's heart stopped for a moment, "can I ask what you did?" Shelby took out her phone from her pocket, showing Hiram her call history, the man frowning slightly at the 47 minute call she'd made to a 1-800 number, the time of the call about an hour before he got her text. It took him a moment to work out why he knew the number she was showing him but then it hit him, "you called a suicide helpline?" Shelby bit her lip, tears pooling in her eyes as she nodded, "Oh Shelby."

"I don't want to die" she whispered, "but I, I don't know how long I can keep going like this." She rocked backwards and forwards on the swing slightly, heels pressed into the dirt, "I feel trapped. I know there's only one way to stop myself feeling this way but I, I couldn't do that to Rachel."

"However you're feeling Shelby, you did an incredibly brave thing tonight, both in making that phone call and in texting me, and I'm glad that you trusted me enough to reach out to me, to tell me how you're feeling. And I'm relieved to hear you don't want to act on your thoughts, I will do anything, everything I can to help you through this Shelby. Even if you and I sit here all night. Whatever I can do to help you through this then I'll do it."

"I erm, I was sick after dinner" Shelby admitted, now she'd started talking it almost felt like she couldn't stop. "I didn't want to be, I didn't do it on purpose…"

"But?" Hiram prompted after she was silent for a while.

"Rachel asked me to join her for her therapy session" Shelby finally admitted, "she…" Shelby screwed her eyes shut to hold back her tears, "she's so broken and it's all my fault, I'm her Mom, I'm meant to be supporting her not the other way round, I shouldn't be making her feel like she does, I should just have walked away that morning. You and Leroy made the right decision to keep me away from her, I should never have broken the contract, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Shelby" Hiram stood and crouched in front of her, taking her hands, forcing her to focus on him as he tried to help her back down from the looming panic attack. "You don't need to apologise at all." Shelby didn't respond so he made a quick decision, "come on" he gently pulled her to her feet, "let's walk."

Shelby said nothing but allowed Hiram to tug her to her feet, forced her heavy legs to move as she walked beside him. She didn't realise that Hiram had been slowly speeding up their walk until she found herself jogging beside him as they made their way around the park. Hiram jogged for a while before sitting down on a bench, gesturing for Shelby to sit beside him, "better?" he asked.

Shelby nodded, "I…" she was slightly confused as to why Hiram had made her run, but she had to admit that the feeling of overwhelming anxiety had lessened somewhat, it no longer felt like it was just seconds away from overwhelming her.

"I had a panic attack in a therapist's office a few years ago" Hiram explained, "not the therapist you see, the one I saw before her, anyway, he made me do star jumps until it had passed, the exercise means your body releases endorphins which help, but it forces your body to regulate your breathing too."

Shelby nodded, "thank you."

"Do you want to talk about what you said earlier?" Hiram asked, "or do you just want to go home?"

"Home please" Shelby whispered, "I, I'm a little cold but I…" she shook her head, "you should be in bed, it doesn't matter."

Hiram took Shelby's hand, noticing that her fingers were a little chilly, "we can talk when we get home if that's what you want" he said as they began walking, "I don't mind."

Shelby told Hiram that she just wanted to go to bed when they got home and he didn't push her, didn't force her to talk, he could tell that she was starting to get sleepy and he didn't want to make her fight that to talk to him.

"Do you want me to ask Leroy to take Rachel to school in the morning?" he asked as he took off his shoes.

Shelby shook her head, "Rachel will worry if you do and I, I can't do that to her anymore, she'll drive to school and I, I'll be okay getting home." She'd driven herself to and from Carmel on little to no sleep more times than she could count in the past, she was sure she could make the fifteen minute drive back from McKinley without much trouble.

"Okay" he didn't want to argue with her, "but let me know if you change your mind."

Shelby nodded, "thank you" she whispered, "for everything."

Hiram reached for her hand and squeezed it gently as they walked up the stairs together, "you've got nothing to thank me for."

Rachel stirred slightly as Shelby climbed back into bed, "Mom?" she frowned.

"It's okay" Shelby reassured her as she laid down beside her, "I just went to the bathroom" she lied, "go back to sleep.

"Kay" Rachel mumbled as she snuggled into Shelby, "you're cold."

Shelby kissed Rachel's hair, "well then it's a good job you're here to act like my own personal hot water bottle isn't it?" she gently stroked Rachel's back as she settled against her, the teen giving her Mom no choice but to hold her close.

"Mmm" Rachel hummed as she fell easily back to sleep, "love you Mom."

"I love you too" Shelby kissed Rachel's forehead, "so much more than you'll ever know."


	32. Chapter 32

Shelby stirred the next morning when Rachel placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, "morning" she yawned as she stretched slightly under the covers.

"Morning" Rachel smiled, "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay" Shelby reassured her, reaching out to gently squeeze her hand, "go get ready" she told her, "I'll be down in a little while."

"Okay" Rachel leaned over to kiss Shelby's cheek again, "see you soon."

As much as she wanted to, Shelby refused to let herself fall back to sleep once Rachel left the room, knowing that, if she did, she probably wouldn't wake in time to take her daughter to school. Instead she pulled some clothes from the dresser and made her way across the hall to the bathroom, hoping a shower would help wake her up a little more.

She frowned slightly as she walked downstairs once she was dressed, rubbing at her stomach as she felt something she hadn't felt in a while and it took her a moment to identify it as hunger. For the first time in longer than she could remember, Shelby was actually hungry.

Hiram and Leroy silently shared a look when, after greeting them both, Shelby dropped two slices of bread into the toaster instead of her usual one, the woman oblivious to everyone's surprise. She thanked Leroy when he handed her a mug of tea, she'd briefly considered asking him for a coffee when she'd seen him take her tea from the cupboard but instead had decided to stick to the promise she'd made herself and avoid caffeine, taking her tea and toast over to the table when it was ready.

Rachel and her fathers were surprised when, not only did Shelby finish both slices of her toast, but grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl on her way out after already telling Rachel she could drive herself to school. Nobody mentioned it though, they didn't want to draw attention to how much Shelby had eaten in case their comments made her self conscious, they just hoped that, if it was the medication increasing Shelby's appetite, that it would soon start improving her mood too.

"Remember your Dad's going to pick you up tonight" Shelby told Rachel as they sat in the car in the McKinley parking lot, "Daddy and I will be at my therapy session."

"Okay" Rachel nodded, "I'll see you tonight then?"

"Yeah" Shelby smiled and nodded, "you will."

As she had the day before, Rachel pulled her Mom into a tight hug as Shelby moved to the driver's seat of her car, "I love you Mom" she told her as she held her close.

"I know" Shelby returned the hug, "I love you too."

Leroy left for work not long after Rachel and Shelby left and Hiram moved into the office to start his own day's work. He lost himself in what he was doing for a while and, before he knew it, the clock above his desk was showing it was almost 11am and Hiram became concerned that he hadn't heard Shelby come home. He checked the basement first in case she was doing yoga, but as soon as he opened the door he was greeted with darkness so he knew she wasn't there. Her bedroom and the bathroom were empty and Hiram began to worry that something had happened to her on the drive back from McKinley, he knew she was exhausted and he should have insisted on Leroy dropping Rachel off at school.

It was only as he walked downstairs, contemplating calling either Leroy or the police to report Shelby as missing when he saw her, fast asleep on the couch. He heaved a sigh of relief when he realised she was safe and, from the fact that Shelby's valium was on the coffee table, alongside an apple core and an almost empty glass of water, Hiram could only assume that he'd been so caught up in his work that he simply hadn't heard her come home.

As much as he wanted to trust Shelby, her behaviour over the past few days, and her admission in the early hours meant that he couldn't stop himself reaching out and checking the pills but he saw nothing that indicated she'd taken anything more than the prescribed dose.

Once Hiram had put Sheby's medication back in the kitchen where she kept it and thrown her apple core in the bin, he covered her with a blanket and decided to take a leaf from her book, he had nothing too pressing to work on, so he decided to make his way upstairs to get his own head down for a couple of hours before lunch.

It was almost 1pm when Hiram woke, feeling a lot more rested than he had that morning. He made himself something to eat before heading back into his office to check his emails as he ate.

He glanced at his watch a little after 2.30 and shut down his computer, going through to the living room to find Shelby still asleep on the couch. He knew she needed to rest, but at the same time he knew she needed to eat something before they left for her appointment. "Shelby" he said softly as he gently shook her shoulder, "Shelby, you need to wake up."

She groaned quietly and rolled onto her back, "what…"

"It's 2.30" He told her, we need to leave in less than an hour for your appointment.

"My…" Shelby frowned, her head felt fuzzy and she wasn't really sure what was happening.

"Your therapy appointment… are you okay Shelby?"

"I…" she took a deep breath and let her eyes close momentarily before forcing them open again, "I took my valium and I…" she shrugged, unable to finish her train of thought.

"Do you want something to eat before we go?" Hiram asked her as she laid on the couch, unable to focus on anything, "I had soup, I can warm you some up too if you want?"

Shelby shook her head and Hiram's heart sank a little, she'd eaten breakfast and she'd had an apple when she came back from taking Rachel to school, he was hoping it was the beginning of things changing but he was obviously mistaken. "I don't think soup is a good idea" she told him with a lazy smile as she held out her shaking hands.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"It's the valium. It happens sometimes. But I, I…" she frowned, "did you ask me something?"

Hiram smiled slightly, "what do you want for lunch?"

"Don't tell Rachel."

"Don't tell Rachel what?"

Shelby looked blankly at Hiram as if she'd already forgotten what she said, it took a moment but then her eyes opened wide, darting around the room like she was checking Rachel wasn't there before rolling onto her side so she was closer to Hiram, whispering loudly to tell him, "I want to eat eggs."

"Okay" Hiram chuckled, "I won't tell Rachel, what would you like? Poached? Fried? Scrambled? Or I could make you an omelette?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, as she tried to force herself to sit up, "yeah, that."

"An Omelette?" Hiram asked as he reached out and helped Shelby to sit up, passing her the glass of water on the coffee table and steadying her hands so she could drink from it.

Shelby nodded, "yes please."

"Okay" Hiram put the glass back on the coffee table, "are you coming through?"

Shelby nodded again, grateful for Hiram's arm around her waist, helping keep her steady as they walked through to the kitchen. "You can't tell Rachel" Shelby almost pleaded with him as she sat at the kitchen table, watching as Hiram took the eggs from the refrigerator.

"I won't" Hiram promised as he flicked on the kettle to make her some tea, "it will be our little secret, I promise."

"Good" Shelby nodded as she sat back in her chair, "she can't ever know."

Hiram made Shelby's omelette and sat beside her with his own mug of tea as she ate, her movements slow and clumsy. "Can I ask you something?" Shelby nodded and Hiram continued, "I, when you took your valium earlier. Did you just take one pill?"

"Yeah" Shelby sounded disappointed, "yeah, I, I wouldn't… I just took one."

"I believe you" Hiram said sincerely, "it just seems to have hit you a bit harder today than the past couple of days, but maybe it's just because you were tired."

"I, I just want to sleep."

"I know" Hiram smiled sadly, "but you need to go to your therapy appointment and then you can sleep again when we get home."

"I want to…" Shelby poked at the omelette with her fork before taking a bite and looking up at Hiram, "what do I want?"

"I don't know" Hiram said softly, "I said you could sleep again when we get home from your therapy appointment" he told her, wondering if that would prompt her memory.

"Home" Shelby mumbled, "home, I…" she frowned and shook her head, "I don't know."

"That's okay" Hiram reassured her, "it'll come back to you."

"Yeah" Shelby nodded before taking another bite of the omelette, "this is good" she told him, offering him a bite, "want some."

Hiram smiled and shook his head, "I had soup earlier, you eat it."

"You know" Shelby didn't speak until she'd eaten everything on her plate, "some days I wish I hadn't stopped smoking."

"Yeah?" Hiram reached out to swipe a crumb from the corner of Shelby's mouth, "why's that then?"

"It was nice" she gestured to the window, "to just sit out there sometimes."

Hiram moved to put Shelby's plate in the dishwasher, "you don't have to smoke to sit outside" he told her, "you can go out whenever you want to."

Shelby looked at Hiram like this was completely new information to her, "then I will" she smiled dopily at him.

"Good".

Shelby dozed a little on the drive to her appointment and she seemed slightly more 'with it' when she got out of the car, her gaze a little more focused, her speech a little more coherent but even so, Hiram was sure to keep his arm around her for support as they walked through the parking lot towards the building.

For the first time since he'd been accompanying her to her therapy sessions, Hiram noted that, when she came back into the waiting area, Shelby didn't look like she'd spent the whole hour in tears. "Okay?" he asked as he put down the travel magazine he'd been flicking through.

"Okay" Shelby nodded, confirming her next appointment before heading for the elevator, Hiram following close behind.

"Do you want to…" Hiram gestured to the back of his car, not sure if Shelby needed to take a moment.

She shook her head, "could we go to my apartment though?" she asked, "I erm, I'd like to pick up my yoga mat and things, if that's okay?"

"Absolutely" Hiram smiled, "you can bring whatever you want over."

"She said she was proud of me" Shelby didn't speak until Hiram had pulled into her parking space at the apartment building.

Hiram put the car into park and turned off the engine before twisting in his seat to look at Shelby, "your therapist?"

Shelby nodded, her gaze fixed straight ahead as she explained, "I told her about last night and she, she said she was proud of me."

"So am I".

"What?" Shelby frowned, turning to face Hiram, "why? I'm, it's…" she couldn't find the words to express her confusion at the fact anyone would be proud of the lack of progress she felt like she was making.

Hiram gently took Shelby's hand, "correct me if I'm wrong but the thoughts and feelings you had last night, they aren't new are they?" Shelby shook her head, "but the way you dealt with them was."

"What do you mean?" Shelby frowned.

"Think of how you dealt with how you were feeling last night. And then think about how you'd have dealt with those same feelings three months ago. Last night, you didn't hit that self destruct button, you didn't lash out and hurt yourself. You acknowledged that those thoughts and feelings were too big for you to deal with on your own and you reached out for help, first by calling that helpline, and when that wasn't enough, by reaching out to me. You weren't afraid to wake me up and tell me you were struggling and that, that is a huge step in the right direction Shelby. You might not have reached a point where those thoughts and feelings have stopped but you are learning, and engaging in healthier ways of coping with them and that is absolutely something you should be proud of."

"I, I hadn't thought of it like that" Shelby said honestly. Hiram was right, a few months ago, hell, even just a few weeks ago, a night like that would probably have seen her at least reaching for a bottle of whatever she could to try and numb the pain, she'd never have reached out to tell anyone how she was feeling.

"You're doing well" Hiram gently squeezed Shelby's hand, "I know this isn't easy for you, but I know you're doing everything you can to help yourself, we all know that, and I think that any progress, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem, is something worth celebrating."

"Thank you." Shelby smiled.

Hiram returned the smile, "you're the one doing all the hard work, you've got nothing to thank me for, now, do you need a hand carrying anything or do you want me to wait here?"

Usually, when she got home after therapy, Shelby would take herself up into her bedroom to take some time to process and decompress, but today she decided to head down to the basement to do some yoga, able to stretch into some more complex positions now she had her blocks and yoga straps.

Leroy headed down to the basement almost two hours later to tell Shelby dinner was almost ready. He stopped halfway down the staircase when he saw Shelby laid on her yoga mat, eyes closed as one of the guided meditation videos Hiram had used in the past played on the TV, the rise and fall of Shelby's chest so slow that Leroy assumed she'd fallen asleep.

He froze when his foot hit a creaky floorboard as he made his way into the basement, "I'm awake" Shelby murmured quietly without opening her eyes.

Leroy smiled and made his way over, sitting cross legged on the floor beside her, "dinner's almost ready" he told her quietly, Shelby seemed so relaxed he didn't want to change that.

"Okay" Shelby took a deep breath before opening her eyes and slowly pushing herself to sit up.

"Hi" Leroy smiled.

Shelby yawned and rubbed her eyes, "hi."

"Are you okay?" Leroy asked.

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "just tired, I don't know if Hiram's told you but I had a bit of a rough night last night."

"He said he sat with you for a while, he didn't give me any details, and you don't need to either, not if you don't want to."

Shelby nodded, "maybe later, I just… I

just want to go to bed."

"Okay, do you want to try and eat something first?" Leroy asked, smiling when he got a nod in response, "come on then" he pushed himself to stand before holding out his hand to help Shelby up too, not letting go as he flicked off the TV and led her upstairs into the kitchen.

"Mom" Rachel grinned when she saw Shelby, "are you okay?" she asked, hugging her tightly.

Shelby returned the hug and kissed Rachel's hair, "I'm okay" she nodded, "a little tired so I'm probably going to go up to bed after dinner but I'm okay."

"Leroy and I have got something for the both of you" Hiram told Shelby and Rachel as Leroy served up the food.

"What is it Daddy?" Rachel asked.

Hiram handed a sheet of folded paper across the table, "we thought the two of you might like this" he said as Shelby unfolded the paper to find that she and Rachel had been booked in for a facial and a manipedi at a nearby spa that weekend.

"You… I…" Shelby was speechless.

"Oh wow" Rachel beamed as she realised what it was, "that's great!"

"You'll get lunch too and you can use the pool and the hot tubs and things if you want" Hiram explained.

"Thank you" Shelby smiled, "thank you."

Rachel looked up at Shelby, "do you want to go?" she asked, "I won't mind if you'd rather…"

Shelby kissed Rachel's forehead and cut her off, "of course I do Darling, we're going to have a great time."


	33. Chapter 33

Friday saw Shelby attending her second therapy appointment of the week, this one first thing in the morning so Hiram sat in the back seat of Shelby's car as Rachel drove herself to school, slipping into the driver's seat once Rachel had said her goodbyes, nobody noticing as Will watched on with a confused frown on his face.

Just like she had earlier in the week, Shelby said she didn't want to talk after her appointment was over and she spent the journey home staring out of the window in silence.

"Are you okay?" Hiram asked softly, Shelby seemingly in a daze, not realising they were home.

Shelby frowned slightly and blinked a few times before looking at Hiram, "sorry?"

"Are you okay?" he repeated, reaching for her hand.

Shelby nodded, "I erm, I think I'm going to take my valium and go lay down for a while."

"Okay" Hiram squeezed her hand gently, "I'll be in the office, just yell if you need anything.

"I will" Shelby promised, "thank you."

She flicked on the kettle as she walked into her kitchen, taking her medication as she waited for it to boil. She found her mind beginning to wander, her therapist had asked about her family today, specifically about the sister who'd saved her when she didn't want saving, the woman she hadn't spoken to in fifteen years.

Once she'd made herself a mug of chamomile tea she made her way up to her bedroom, changing into sweatpants so she could get comfortable in bed, losing herself in her thoughts as she drank her tea.

Hiram worked until lunch time when he headed upstairs to see if Shelby was awake and wanted to eat. "Hey" he smiled softly as he poked his head around the door seeing her curled up under the covers, duvet pulled up to her chin as she smiled sleepily at him, obviously having not been awake long.

"Hi" Shelby yawned before rubbing at her eyes.

"It's just gone one" he told her, "I wondered if you were ready for lunch?"

"Yeah" Shelby nodded but made no effort to move. "Can we… I've just woken up, can we wait a little while?"

"Sure" Hiram nodded, "how about I go and make us something and you come down when you're ready?"

"Will you…?" Shelby reached out and pulled back the covers slightly, "just for a little while."

"Sure" Hiram crossed the room and sat in the bed, pulling the covers over his lap, "are you okay?" he asked when Shelby shuffled closer to rest her head on his lap.

"Tired" Shelby sighed happily when she felt Hiram begin to gently massage her scalp. As always Hiram didn't push, he knew Shelby would open up to him when she was ready and his patience eventually paid off as she told him, "we spoke about my sister today. In therapy" she clarified even though it was obvious.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" Shelby sighed, "she was the one that found me both times I tried to… I haven't seen or spoken to her since I was admitted to the hospital."

"Was that your choice or hers?" Hiram asked gently.

"She used to come to visitation every week but I, I refused to see her. One of the support workers suggested she had some therapy sessions with me but I said no. Eventually she started only coming every other visitation, then once a month, then… then she just stopped and I, realistically I know that she stopped coming because I never wanted to see her, but there was still a part of me that saw it as her disowning me, she'd dumped me in that place, I never asked for her help, she forced me into a place I hated and then she just abandoned me."

Hiram continued running his fingers through Shelby's curls, assuming she'd let them down from the ponytail she'd had earlier before her nap, "have you ever thought about maybe finding her again?"

"I do think about her sometimes" Shelby admitted, "where she is and what she's doing but…"

"But?" Hiram gently promoted.

Shelby sighed, "it's been a long time and I'm still, I still feel angry, that she forced me into a place I didn't want to he in and then she, I know I was difficult, that it was probably hard for her but it feels like she dropped me off at that place and then just walked away to live her life. She didn't hang around to see if I was okay, to see if I made it out of there, it feels like she dropped me off and then I wasn't her problem anymore."

"Okay" Hiram continued to run his fingers through Shelby's hair but decided not to push, decided to let Shelby decide what she wanted to do in her own time, "if you did decide you wanted to find her, Leroy and I would help you, but if you'd rather move on and forget about it then that's okay too."

"What would you do?" Shelby asked quietly, "if it was you, what would you do?"

Hiram thought for a minute, "I think I'd probably try and speak to her, even if only to get closure on everything before I moved on with my life. But that's me, you have to do what's right for you."

"Okay." Shelby nodded as she thought for a moment before asking, "can we have lunch now?"

"Of course" Hiram smiled, "is there anything in particular that you want?"

"I don't know" Shelby yawned and rolled away from Hiram, stretching under the covers before sitting up and rubbing at her eyes, "I am a little hungry though" she admitted.

"Okay" Hiram stood from the bed and held out his hand, "why don't we go see what we've got and see if anything takes your fancy."

Shelby worked with Hiram to make a simple pasta dish for lunch, he and Leroy had both agreed that they wouldn't bring up Shelby's eating habits, the last thing they wanted to do was make her self conscious over how much she'd been eating over the past couple of days, they were just happy that she was eating more than she had been.

"Have you got any plans for this afternoon?" Hiram asked as they ate.

Shelby shook her head as she stabbed at some pasta," I might sit in the garden for a while, I've been… I've been writing music" she admitted, "I don't…" she shrugged, "it keeps my mind busy."

"Hey, no, that's a great thing Shelby, you don't need to be embarrassed."

"I can sort of hear it in my head, I won't really know if it's any good though until I play it though."

"You know there's a piano in the basement right?" Shelby shook her head, "It's probably in the storage room actually, it's just a basic upright, nothing fancy and it'll need tuning but we can get that done if you want?"

Shelby shook her head, "I don't want to put you out, you don't… I've got an electric piano at home…"

"Is it portable or…"

"It fits in the trunk of my car" Shelby nodded, "why?"

"You could bring it over if you wanted and…"

"I couldn't do that, I've already…"

Hiram took Shelby's hand, stopping her mid sentence. "Leroy and I were talking about this just last night" he told her, "we rarely use the basement. Rachel sometimes goes down if she has a dance or glee performance she wants to work on but we soundproofed her room before we converted the basement so more often than not she goes up there to practice."

"I don't…" Shelby didn't understand why Hiram was telling her this.

"We want you to have the basement" he told her, "as I said, we rarely use it, and we want you to have your own space other than your room that you can use if you want some time to yourself or with Rachel. There's a TV and couch down there if you and Rachel want to watch a movie together, there's space for you to do your yoga, we can get our piano tuned or bring yours over and we'll get a desk so when you go back to work you've got somewhere to mark assignments or whatever you have to do."

"I…"

Hiram gently squeezed Shelby's hand, "that's not us saying that we don't want you spending time with us. You will always be welcome to curl up in the armchair and nap through a movie, you can work in the office, do your yoga in the backyard, on the dining table, we just thought that if you had your own space, other than your bedroom then you might feel less like a guest and more like the family member we see you as." He reached up to wipe away a tear that had fallen onto Shelby's cheek, "I didn't mean to upset you"

"You haven't upset me" Shelby leaned towards him and Hiram wrapped her in a hug, "I, you and Leroy have done so much for me and I, I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you."

"You don't need to repay us Shelby, not for anything. We just want you to be happy and healthy, mentally and physically."

"I don't know what I'd have done if it wasn't for you and Leroy these past few weeks." Shelby paused for a moment, "actually, I think I know exactly what I'd have done if I was on my own and I" she shook her head, "I think that's worse."

"You're not on your own though" Hiram reassured her, "you will never be on your own, you'll always have us."

Hiram made sure Shelby was going to be okay on her own once they'd finished eating and she promised him she'd be fine, and that she knew where to find him if she wasn't. She flicked on the kettle once Hiram had gone back to the office, going upstairs to get what she needed as she waited for it to boil.

She kicked off her shoes once she was settled at the table in the back yard, curling her feet underneath herself as she popped a piece of nicotine gum from the packet as she waited for her tea to cool, mindlessly doodling on a sheet of paper as she let her mind wander.

Hiram worked for a little while before deciding to make himself some tea, and, seeing Shelby still sat out in the backyard, he made her another mug of chamomile tea and decided to go and sit with her for five minutes before going back to work.

"What have you got there?" Hiram asked as he placed the mugs down and sat beside Shelby, noticing the pen in her hand and the sheet of paper with a few lines of her neat script in front of her that didn't look like music.

"Something my therapist suggested", she pushed the paper closer to him, giving him permission to read, "a list of positive things I've either stopped or started doing lately, so when I'm having a bad day I can show myself how many things have actually changed."

"That sounds like a good idea" Hiram glanced down at the page, seeing Shelby had split it in half and made two lists, one under the heading 'stopped' the other under the heading 'started.' He smiled a little as he read the two lists she'd made.

_Stopped_

_Smoking.  
__Drinking alcohol.  
__Drinking coffee.  
__Self harming.  
__One night stands._

_Started _

_Therapy.  
__Medication.  
__Yoga.  
__Sleeping.  
__Trying to eat healthily._

"Can I suggest some additions?" he asked as he handed the paper back to Shelby, "you don't need to add them if you'd rather not."

"Okay" Shelby nodded.

"You've started letting people help you" he told her, "and being honest about your feelings, you reach out to Leroy and I when you need to, you've stopped bottling things up as much as you used to." Shelby nodded and added Hiram's suggestions to her list, "you've started to realise that it's okay to have limits and it's okay to accept when you've reached that. You knew VA was a big cause of stress and anxiety for you so you took a step back from that. You accepted that you needed to take a break from work and took some time off. You might not believe it but you really are doing well Shelby, you might not feel like there have been any drastic improvements but you're definitely heading in the right direction."

Shelby nodded and smiled slightly, "I hope so."

Leroy had a meeting that afternoon, it wasn't far from McKinley and he'd be finishing around the time school ended so he said he'd bring Rachel home that afternoon, it seemed silly for Shelby to make a journey he was already making.

"I'm going to go say hi to Mom" Rachel told him once they were home, they'd headed into the kitchen together and Rachel had instantly spotted her Mom in the back yard.

"Okay, tell her I'm making a drink if she wants one."

"I will" Rachel nodded, "will you make me tea please? Peach if we've got it, green if we haven't."

"Of course" Leroy nodded, taking Rachel's mug from the cupboard as she slipped out of the back door. "Does she want anything?" he asked when Rachel came back a few moments later with two empty mugs.

"She erm, she's asleep" Rachel frowned, "should I wake her or… her hand felt a little cold."

"I'll go see her" Leroy nodded, "bring her inside." Rachel nodded and Leroy made his way over to Shelby, smiling slightly as he realised Rachel was right, she was fast asleep in the chair, "Shelby" he sat down beside her and reached out to gently squeeze her knee, "Shelby it's time to wake up."

"What…" Shelby frowned as she woke, "Leroy…" she glanced around, "I'm in the garden?"

"Yeah, you fell asleep out here and it's starting to get a little cool, why don't you come inside? You can lay down on the couch or in your chair until dinner's ready."

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, uncurling her feet and slipping her shoes back on before frowning again, "Rachel. I didn't…"

"It's okay" Leroy took Shelby's hand, feeling just how cold she was, "I said I'd pick her up tonight, you didn't forget Shel, it's okay. She's in the kitchen waiting to see you."

"Okay" Shelby nodded, "thank you." She pushed her papers, the music she'd been writing and the list she'd made for her therapist, into a folder before standing and stretching, her legs a little stiff from how long they'd been curled up.

"I'll make you some tea" Leroy smiled once they were in the house, "try and warm you up a little."

"Thank you" Shelby barely had time to put her folder down before she found herself engulfed in one of her daughter's hugs, "hi."

"Hi" Rachel sighed happily as she held her Mom tightly.

Shelby ran her hand gently over Rachel's hair, "do you, do you watch a movie or something before dinner?"

"I'd love to" Shelby couldn't help but smile when she saw Rachel's face lit up.

"Okay, go choose something then".

"I'll bring your tea through in a minute" Leroy told Shelby, "you go get comfy with your baby."

Shelby settled in the armchair as Rachel put on the dvd she'd chosen, wrapping the blanket around herself. She saw a brief look of disappointment cross Rachel's face when she turned and saw her Mom wasn't on the couch assuming she couldn't sit with her, but Shelby had other ideas, "Rach" she said softly, holding the blanket open, Rachel once again unable to hold back her smile as she curled up with her Mom and allowed Shelby to wrap the blanket around them both, dropping a kiss to Rachel's hair as she felt the girl snuggle into her.

"Are you going in?" Hiram's voice made Leroy jump as he came up behind him, puzzled as to why his husband was standing in the doorway to the living room with a mug in each hand.

"Yeah, I was… Shelby fell asleep sat outside. I woke her and brought her in and she asked Rachel if she wanted to watch a movie" he nodded his head into the room and Hiram couldn't help but smile. Rachel was engrossed in whatever was playing on the TV but Shelby's attention was firmly on her daughter, Shelby twisting a strand of Rachel's hair around her fingers, the corners of her mouth lifting every time Rachel laughed at a scene in the movie.

Hiram understood why Leroy felt reluctant to interrupt, "Shelby might not always see it, but she's come a long way since she first moved in."

"Yeah" Leroy nodded as he stepped into the room to give Shelby and Rachel their tea, "she certainly has."


	34. Chapter 34

"I'm worried about Shelby" Hiram said quietly as he sat with Leroy that evening.

"Yeah?" Leroy took hold of his husband's hand, "anything specific or just generally?"

"She had a nap when we got back from therapy, then she fell asleep in the garden, and now, well she was in bed before 9."

"I don't think that's necessarily anything to worry about, the valium makes her sleepy and she's taking it regularly now, and she's taking new antidepressants, I know some of the meds you tried made you sleepy. In fact, I think the reason Shelby takes this one at night is because it might make her sleepy."

Hiram nodded, "I suppose you're right, I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens when she comes off the valium and she's used to the new antidepressants."

"It's probably the reason her doctor suggested she took some time off work too, but I'm going to take them to the spa on Sunday, Shelby's too tired to be driving and I don't know if I'm comfortable with Rachel driving that far."

"Thank you" Hiram smiled, "that puts my mind at rest."

"I thought we could find somewhere near the spa, a restaurant or a movie theatre or something, if we say we're going that way anyway, Shelby will probably be less likely to protest, and we get a date night out of it too" he winked.

Hiram laughed and pecked Leroy's lips before taking his phone from his pocket, "I'll start looking for somewhere now."

Leroy had taken Rachel to her dance class when Shelby came downstairs on Saturday morning. She'd woken when Rachel had and spent a while talking with her daughter, but, once Rachel had gotten up, Shelby had drifted back off to sleep. "Morning" Hiram smiled, "did you sleep well?"

"I did thanks" Shelby smiled as she flicked on the kettle and took a yoghurt out of the refrigerator. She walked over to the microwave and picked up her valium, holding the box for a moment before putting it back down and turning to Hiram, "could I ask you a favour?"

"Of course, what is it?"

"Could you drive me over to my apartment later?" she asked, "don't worry if you have other plans though, I can go after breakfast and take this when I get back" she gestured to her medication.

"No, no, of course I'll take you over. I'll take you over any time you want".

"Thank you" Shelby took out a pill and swallowed it with the water she'd poured herself, "I don't know if Rachel's going to want to use the pool at the spa tomorrow so I need to get some swimwear just in case."

"Okay" Hiram smiled, watching as Shelby made herself a mug of chamomile, honey and vanilla tea, the flavour that seemed to be her favourite. "Yes please" he nodded, when she asked if he wanted another mug of tea. "We could bring your piano over if you want?"

Shelby sat at the table opposite him with a yoghurt and a banana, "are you sure? I don't want to put you out and…"

"You'll be using a room in our house we rarely use, you won't be putting anyone out Shelby. If you don't want to bring your things over then that's fine, but, if you do want to use the space then you are more than welcome to it. Leroy's gone grocery shopping while Rachel's at her dance class, he's going to pick up a desk for you while he's out too, but if you don't want to use it then that's fine. It's completely your decision Shelby."

"I erm, I'd like to bring it over" Shelby nodded, "if you're sure that's okay?"

"Absolutely" Hiram nodded, "you can bring over anything you want."

Hitam and Shelby hadn't been gone long when Leroy arrived home with Rachel, "your Daddy sent me a text" he told her as she helped him carry groceries inside, "he's taken your Mom to get some things from her apartment, he didn't want you to worry about her not being here."

"Okay" Rachel nodded as she began putting things away, "she, I mean, do you think she's starting to do better? She doesn't seem… I

I don't know, I know she's sleeping a lot, but when she's awake, I don't feel quite so worried about her doing anything to hurt herself."

Leroy smiled as he too began unpacking the groceries," I think the break from work is probably helping, as is the valium, hopefully her new antidepressants will be working too and they'll help stabilise her mood."

Rachel nodded as she turned to place the bananas in the fruit bowl, "I hope so."

"Do you want me to wait here for you?" Hiram asked as he parked Shelby's lexus in the parking spot under her building

"You can come in" Shelby told him, "I can't offer you a drink or anything but…"

"It's okay" Hiram squeezed Shelby's hand, "I know you haven't been living here, I don't expect you to have anything in."

They rode the elevator up to Shelby's apartment in silence and Hiram made himself comfortable on the couch as Shelby headed to her bedroom to find swimwear.

"C'mon" Shelby mumbled to herself, "think." The scars on her stomach were easy, the vest from the tankini she'd thrown in her bed would cover those easily but the scars on her thighs were a little harder. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been to a pool, couldn't remember what she'd worn to hide the jagged scars that littered the tops of her legs. "You've got to have something" she began rummaging through her closet. She found some old running shorts but she doubted they'd be long enough to cover everything and she was pretty sure they'd be too big with all the weight she'd lost recently, but she threw them on the bed anyway as a back up.

She pulled out a pair of cropped yoga leggings and looked at them for a moment before shaking her head, "you'll look an idiot in those" she told herself but she threw them on the bed to take with her anyway. "Aha!" she let out a sigh of relief when she found a pair of cycling shorts she didn't know she owned, they'd work, they looked as if they'd come to the middle of her thighs and the stretchy nature of the fabric meant that they would still fit her.

"Everything okay?" Hiram asked when Shelby came back out of her bedroom.

"Yeah" she nodded, putting down the bag of clothes she'd packed, "it's been a while since I last needed a swimsuit, I wasn't sure where it was" she lied, she'd found a swimsuit straight away, it was finding something to cover her scars that had been the issue.

Hiram nodded, "we could just have gone to the mall" he chuckled before asking, "piano?"

"In the office" Shelby gestured down the hall, "do you want to…"

"Sure" Hiram followed Shelby into her office, "wow" he gasped when he saw the electric piano on a stand in the corner of the room. It wasn't what he'd expected, it looked more like a keyboard than a piano but it obviously had more features than a keyboard would have, "I was going to offer to help" he told her, "but I think I'll leave that to you he chuckled when he saw the cables were all neatly grouped together with cable ties.

Shelby chucked and pointed to a tall cabinet in the corner of the room, "between the cupboard and the wall" she told him, "there's the case for this, it's a black thing with wheels" she shook her head, "it's the only thing down there."

Hiram pulled out the bag, "there you go."

"Thank you, will you stick it in the hall? There isn't really enough room for it in here."

"Sure" Hiram set the bag down in the hall by the door to Shelby's office and opened it up, "is there anything else I can do?"

Shelby began taking the cables from the back of the piano, wrapping them carefully, "you could put it in the bag for me if you want?"

It didn't take long for her to gather everything she needed, including a pad of blank manuscript paper and a notebook that had been laying open on her desk, the open pages full of Shelby's neat script.

With Hiram's help, they easily carried everything including the piano, it's stand and the stool out to the car, "is there anywhere else you'd like to go while we're out?" Hiram asked as he slipped into the driver's seat of Shelby's car completely understanding why Rachel often asked to drive her Mom's car.

Shelby shook her head, "no thanks, I…" she sighed, "I'm starting to feel a little sleepy".

"You know that's probably just the valium though don't you?"

Shelby nodded as Hiram drove out of the parking lot, "yeah, and I don't feel as anxious as I used to, it's just…" she shrugged, "I'm seeing the doctor again on Friday, I'm hoping she'll say I can stop taking it every day, but at the same time, I…" she sighed, "I want to go back to work and I can't do that if I can't stay awake for more than a few hours at a time, but at the same time, I like not feeling like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack."

"That's understandable" Hiram nodded, "and whilst I don't have any suggestions, I'm sure your doctor will if you tell her that."

"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "I'll see what she says."

"Are you okay?" Hiram asked after driving in silence for a while, noticing that Shelby seemed to be lost in her thoughts.

"Hmm?" she turned to look at him, shaking her head slightly, "sorry, what did you say?"

"Are you okay?" he repeated.

"Yeah" she nodded, "just thinking."

"Can I ask what about?"

Shelby sighed, fiddling with her fingers before telling him, "my sister. Whether I should try and make contact with her or not."

Hiram decided not to push Shelby so he asked, "is it just the two of you?"

"No" she shook her head, "we've got a brother too, I'm the youngest, he's in the middle. Sam's four years older than me, Sarah's six years older. It was never explicitly said but I think my parents were happy with a son and a daughter, I don't think a third baby was ever in their plans. Don't get me wrong, they were great parents and I know they did their best but I… I don't know, it just didn't feel right if you know what I mean?"

"Yeah" Shelby had never really spoken about her family, not even when she'd been living with them before Rachel was born, "I know what you mean. "What about your brother? Have you ever thought about contacting him?"

Shelby shook her head, "I don't even know where I'd start, he went backpacking after he graduated high school and never seemed to settle down, we'd get the odd postcard every now and again but he wasn't great at keeping in touch and he never seemed to stick anywhere, he'd stay somewhere for a couple of weeks and then move on, I don't even know if he came back to the states, if he's settled somewhere else or if he's still just exploring the world."

"Sounds like an interesting life."

"Yeah, I don't know if I could do it, especially not just living with what I could carry, but he seemed to be enjoying himself."

"What about your parents? You don't have to tell me about them if you don't want to though" he said, not wanting her to feel like she had to talk if she wasn't comfortable.

Shelby sighed again, "my Mom died when I was 14, breast cancer, and my Dad, he did his best but I was the only one left at home and, well, you've been a Dad to a 14 year old it's…"

"Rough" Hiram finished, "you want to help her through what she's going through but she assumes you won't understand, and although you hate to admit it, she's probably right."

Shelby nodded, "my sister tried, but she was busy with college and then she got a boyfriend and…" she shrugged, "I know my Dad would have done anything for me but I, I knew he'd struggle to pay for me to move to New York, never mind put me through college so I started looking for a job, I thought I'd work for a year and save up enough to move, I was thinking more an office job or something, but then I saw your advert in the paper and, well, you know the rest. "

"If you do manage to find your sister and you're worried about calling her, why don't you ask your therapist if you could make the call in one of your appointments?" Hiram suggested after thinking for a moment. "She could act as mediator if you need it and if not, you'll have someone there to decompress or process things with."

Shelby nodded, still not sure if she wanted to speak to her sister or not, "yeah, maybe."

"Whatever you choose to do" Hiram reached over to gently squeeze Shelby's hand as he stopped at a red light, "Leroy and I will support you Shelby, no matter what happens, you'll always have us."


End file.
